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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband’s in high demand to do freebie work for others

140 replies

DBML · 29/07/2020 23:17

My husband is very handy. Great at practical jobs; painting and decorating; tiling; flooring siliconing; and overall a bit of a perfectionist. It’s wonderful having such a talented husband as our home is lovely and we don’t have to pay anyone for the luxury of that.

However, his work does not go un-noticed and family and friends are starting to ask for dh to go and do for for them on his days off.

For instance, his brother needs his bathroom tiled, grouted and siliconed and asked for DH’s help...which translates to DH doing it. He obviously does it for free, but doesn’t even get a bottle of beer as a thank you. It’s just expected.

DH’s friend also needs ‘help’ with tiling his house with brick slips. So not small jobs.

DH is so good natured and happy to help, he just does it. But it means that on days we have off together, I’m sat at home on my own. Yes, I could go out and do stuff by myself, but damn-it, I like spending time with my husband and don’t appreciate him coming home tired; filthy and with an aching back.

He’s off to another relative tomorrow and I’m pissed off, so I’ve told him that I’d like to do something tomorrow. He’s already agreed to help, so doesn’t want to let the person down. He doesn’t understand why I’m so annoyed.

AIBU?

OP posts:
OneMoreForExtra · 30/07/2020 19:45

sounds like you nailed it OP!

CigarettesAndNoAlcohol · 30/07/2020 20:37

Soooo... His friend was out earning money to increase his income while expecting your DH to give up his leisure time from work... For free?

Wtf.

OldCow1 · 30/07/2020 20:38

No way are you heartless.

WinnieLowCo · 30/07/2020 20:39

Can't believe he went !! He just wanted to get home to the job done. Wow.

BitOfFun · 30/07/2020 20:40

So pleased to read your update! Excellent.

Thehop · 30/07/2020 21:09

Excellent update OP

EasyPeasyHappyCheesy · 30/07/2020 21:13

I love your husband! I think this is testament to the strength of your relationship even though I don't know you. Clearly he listens and values you

Letseatgrandma · 30/07/2020 21:23

Is your DH a tradesman? Does the wife think he was being paid?

MulticolourMophead · 30/07/2020 21:38

@CigarettesAndNoAlcohol

Soooo... His friend was out earning money to increase his income while expecting your DH to give up his leisure time from work... For free?

Wtf.

It looks that way, doesn't it. Proof that people were taking advantage of DH, and now he's seen it for himself.
Original poster
DBML · 30/07/2020 23:22

Thank you all. I was replaying things in my mind and you know how it is, sometimes you think ‘have we done the right thing?’ Reading your messages I can see we did.

DH isn’t a tradesman, far from, he’s just a very practical guy. So no confusion about whether he was being paid.

I haven’t said to DH that this person is taking advantage...or that anyone else does. I just said that I wanted to spend time with him too. He can see for himself and make his own mind up about that.

Thank you again all! Gave me the courage to be a bit more assertive myself today too. Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
DBML · 30/07/2020 23:31

@EasyPeasyHappyCheesy

That’s really kind thank you.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 31/07/2020 09:39

Great update OP.

Frazzled193736 · 31/07/2020 09:42

I can sympathise as my FIL has a similar situation. He has always been a mechanic and he's very good natured. People would ask him to take a look at their cars and fix them. He was retired at this point but ended up doing this the same hours as a full time job but for FREE!!
They live in the middle of a large housing estate and word got round and basically everyone started asking him and he wouldnt say no! He ended up having a heart attack! Finally, MIL stepped in and told people he wasn't doing any more due to ill health.
You have to be blunt with people. Either allow him to so the odd job but expect at least some payment for it. Or explain to people that it's eating in to your private time too much so he's stopping!! If they want to strip about it, let them!

Letseatgrandma · 31/07/2020 09:49

She replied that wasn’t DH going to do x, y, z?

Having read your subsequent message clarifying he’s not a tradesman, I would have stepped in and spoken myself at this point with a jovial-‘ha ha, he’s not a tradesman, you know-and this is our day off together/ holiday!’

Your DH needs to stop agreeing to doing everyone’s odd jobs though. Is there a history of people taking him for granted?

The fact you said these same people would run a mile if you asked them to babysit, is very telling!

incognitomum · 31/07/2020 11:14

Am so pleased with the update. Cfer she sounds so entitled. I wouldn't even dare!!

incognitomum · 31/07/2020 11:15

Actually dh could say he's not insured to do jobs. And also his back is sore. They'll soon give up.

Shortfeet · 31/07/2020 11:35

I have a husband like this.
His friends and family offer payment but he always refuses !Grin
I have got used to it and view it as a lovely character trait

Aglet · 31/07/2020 18:15

My sister's marriage broke up for that very reason.

Devora13 · 31/07/2020 18:23

Your DH is being kind but also being taken advantage of. It's great to be group minded, but he perhaps needs a gentle reminder that his own direct family are the priority group.
Also, other people should be prepared to be group minded too. If they're prepared to work with him to learn, that's great, otherwise it'll just lead to repeat requests.
I like the idea of booking time with him for your family, which takes priority.
But also, why not work out a non monetary value system, and tell the friends and family because DH is spending so much of his time helping out, you've both decided to have a bartering type system?
So if someone needs a day's work (let's say 8 hours) you say, of course, and that will be two evenings babysitting in exchange. We'll book one in advance as we've not had much time for ourselves lately.'
If they are all for it, then you know they're prepared to play fair. If they raise objections, then you could say 'So sorry but we need time for ourselves. Perhaps when you have time to help out, let us know and we'll see what we can do.'
Maybe sit with him when he's having these conversations to help him be assertive 😉

SurroundedByIdiotsEverywhere · 31/07/2020 19:04

Your DH sounds like a nice guy and too kind/embarrassed to say anything about it.
if you want things to change you will have to play the tough/bad guy and so 'no' on his behalf or just say you have plans if that is easier,,,

VK456 · 31/07/2020 19:06

What a cheek! The closest I ever got to a handy relative was an ex boyfriend of my daughter. He fitted my kitchen and I paid him. Mates rates, admittedly. I would never expect even the closest relative to graft for nothing.

Langpants · 31/07/2020 19:16

How are people getting bee keeping from the word “freebie”?! 🙄😂

OP - you have every right to be annoyed but you just need to have a little chat with him about limiting the free help he’s giving out. Definitely point out the lack of appreciation from others - especially his brother.

Lucky you having a wonderfully kind and talented man by your side. No wonder you want him all to yourself. 😁 Hope you work it out - go give him a big hug and kiss and tell him he’s wonderful. x

pollymere · 31/07/2020 19:41

I stopped singing professionally because of this type of problem. People who would pay tens of thousands for their wedding but expect me to sing for free. It came to a head when I didn't even get a thank you when everyone else including readers got expensive thank you gifts. Your DH needs to realise that his good nature is being abused; that people are taking advantage of his good nature. It's the lack of any thanks that's so appalling I think, not the being kind. Your DH feels he doesn't mind doing nice things for people, but they should at least be saying thank you, even if it's a meal or a crate of beer. I think he should say he's not doing it anymore due to the lack of gratitude and the general expectancy of your husband as some sort of slave.

FelicisNox · 31/07/2020 20:03

YABU for the simple fact that you should have communicated your concerns long before now.

You certainly can't tell him the night before.

I'm in a similar situation with my DH and he messaged me at work today to say he was off to his friend's to do work for him tomorrow and I had to say no because we're getting ready to go away for the week next week and I'm sick of being left to do everything myself.

Before now I would have said nothing and fumed silently but I'm an adult and I've had to learn to communicate.

JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 31/07/2020 20:17

Yes, she does have a say. It's beginning to impact on OP and their home life, so she can be pissed off about it if she wants.

Did you miss the bit where I said that was a separate issue and needs a discussion?

It’s not a separate issue because the entire reason she can’t spend time with him is his free time is eaten up running around after all his CF friends and family. It is directly causing the issue.

I do think your husband needs to grow a backbone though and learn to say no to people.