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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed DH hugged his dad.

626 replies

gentlerock · 29/07/2020 18:13

We've spent months being careful, we have a 5 month old baby and I'm vulnerable having mild asthma.

Last week DH Gran passed away suddenly.

Today DH called to see his Dad and told me they hugged as they were both really upset.

Now I completely sympathise with this, really I do, but bare in mind DH grandma spent 3 days in hospital before passing.

DH dad was there every day and the hospital announced yesterday there had been an outbreak on one of their wards affecting 4 staff and 3 patients(although it didn't state which ward so we don't know if was the one DH grandma was on)

I suffer with anxiety already and I'm petrified DD could end up ill or be left without parents.

I really do feel so annoyed with him. AIBU?!

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 29/07/2020 18:39

I hope you are joking about the spare room.

You can see from the replies that you are being extreme expecting people who have been bereaved not to comfort one another.

DappledThings · 29/07/2020 18:39

I'm genuinely shocked at how many people think this is all down to anxiety.
I know it must be hard but could you take the pretty much unanimous responses here as a sign that just maybe your anxiety is making you act in an unreasonable manner and you should address it?

Theneverendingcleaningcycle · 29/07/2020 18:39

OP I say this with all due respect. But do you think you need to get some help with anxiety?
There is help available. It's not good for you or baby to live in fear like this. By all means be sensible and cautious but being so worried about your DH hugging his grieving father is not right.

pasturesgreen · 29/07/2020 18:39

I feel sorry for your DH.

YABU. It seems from your posts that your mental health has been suffering from this prolonged isolation, please consider seeking help for your anxiety.

ikus84 · 29/07/2020 18:40

Sorry OP, but your anxiety has gotten way out of hand.

It's extremely unlikely that your child will be orphaned because your DH hugged his bereaved father.

What would you have done if your DH was a doctor or worked in a hospital, a supermarket, or in another place in contact with people? Asked him to stay home for 3 months? My DH works in an A&E dept. Neither of us have had covid.

MockingJay27 · 29/07/2020 18:40

You could ask him to do a test if that would help ease your worries ?

HugeAckmansWife · 29/07/2020 18:41

So you've posted asking if you're bei g unreasonable. Pretty much everyone says yes but you won't listen. Why bother then? Life is full of risk. You could slip down the stairs, get electrocuted from faulty wiring, all in the, safety of your own home.

Shimy · 29/07/2020 18:41

OP you are not in the vulnerable category. Only people with severe asthma are classed as vulnerable.

WorraLiberty · 29/07/2020 18:41

@gentlerock

I'm genuinely shocked at how many people think this is all down to anxiety.

I think it was irresponsible of him.

I feel like he's put us at potential risk.

I haven't said any of this to him, of course I haven't.

But I can't help the way I feel!!

I'm considering shoving him in the spare room for a few weeks!!

Well I'd rather think it was down to anxiety than to think the alternative, which would be that you're incredibly cold-hearted and don't have an empathetic bone in your body.

If you tried to 'shove' me in the spare room for a few weeks because I had the audacity to hug my dad after my mum died, I'd tell you to get to fuck.

Aragog · 29/07/2020 18:41

I say this gentle OP - but maybe it's time to try to get on top of your anxiety a little bit. Your baby is at low risk and mild asthma is pretty low risk too - I don't think mild asthma is even on the vulnerable list now, let alone shielding.

You can't lock yourself and baby away for ever. You need to starting making moves to move out of your isolation and start living again, for your sake and for your baby's sake. A vaccine may not come or may take years. How long would you be willing to lock yourselves away for?

And you do know that there will now be a funeral? If you are still locking yourself down will you feel able to attend to support your Dh?

Maybe a little more research or even a chat with your GP may put your mind at rest. A chat with my consultant certainly helped me - I'm Clinically vulnerable (not shielding though) due to an autoimmune health condition plus medication that affects my immunity too.

Stellakent · 29/07/2020 18:42

I'm quite shocked reading this post. Please don't say anything to him, don't be unkind. Your risk is minimal and he and his dad have lost a much loved family member.

BilboBercow · 29/07/2020 18:43

You are wildly unreasonable. You are also not in the vulnerable category either.

TheLegendOfZelda · 29/07/2020 18:44

It must be really hard to have a newborn during this pandemic. You sound like you have lost touch with reality. I'm not surprised, it can't be easy being isolated for so long, plus hormones all over the place with a newborn. Your health visitor or GP would be a good place to start with this conversation around risk and anxiety.

DomDoesWotHeWants · 29/07/2020 18:44

Utterly unreasonable, as everyone says.

Please calm down and think rationally. Your behaviour is verging on bizarre.

titchy · 29/07/2020 18:45

But I can't help the way I feel!!

Well if your anxiety is that bad then, yes you can help how you feel - you can be responsible and get some medication for it.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/07/2020 18:45

@KitKatastrophe it is what the regulations say, I wouldn't blame new parents for sticking to hear the govt are telling them to do

@gentlerock if you and have dh haven't left the house since lockdown/baby was born and you're not going to suddenly drip feed baby was prem, came home on O2 with CLD etc then it is anxiety. There is no need for you to effectively shield because you have MILD asthma and there's no need to effectively shield a baby

Original poster
gentlerock · 29/07/2020 18:46

@DappledThings

I'm genuinely shocked at how many people think this is all down to anxiety. I know it must be hard but could you take the pretty much unanimous responses here as a sign that just maybe your anxiety is making you act in an unreasonable manner and you should address it?
Yes! Absolutely.

I posted as I genuinely didn't think I was being unreasonable.

Obviously my anxiety is worse than I care to believe. 😔

OP posts:
cameocat · 29/07/2020 18:46

I don't know when you gave birth but I wonder if this over anxiety / extreme shielding etc is also related to your hormones having given birth - not exactly post natal depression but something similar.

I also think as you have been isolating this has given you unnecessary fear and it would be good for you to get out and about. You don't have to start with crowded places but a nice walk or something. I would worry that this would turn into something bigger such as a fear of leaving the house or bigger mental health issues. Please seek medical help OP.

InFiveMins · 29/07/2020 18:47

Of course YABU.

ivfdreaming · 29/07/2020 18:47

You have MILD asthma

You ARENT on the vulnerable list

You ARE being unreasonable, ridiculous and selfish

If i was your DH and knew this was how you'd reacted I'd leave you

bethg21 · 29/07/2020 18:47

you need to get a grip !

Original poster
gentlerock · 29/07/2020 18:48

@Aragog

I say this gentle OP - but maybe it's time to try to get on top of your anxiety a little bit. Your baby is at low risk and mild asthma is pretty low risk too - I don't think mild asthma is even on the vulnerable list now, let alone shielding.

You can't lock yourself and baby away for ever. You need to starting making moves to move out of your isolation and start living again, for your sake and for your baby's sake. A vaccine may not come or may take years. How long would you be willing to lock yourselves away for?

And you do know that there will now be a funeral? If you are still locking yourself down will you feel able to attend to support your Dh?

Maybe a little more research or even a chat with your GP may put your mind at rest. A chat with my consultant certainly helped me - I'm Clinically vulnerable (not shielding though) due to an autoimmune health condition plus medication that affects my immunity too.

I've already made decision not to go to the funeral.

There's only 16 people allowed.

I don't want to take DD and I can't leave her with anyone so what choice do I have.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 29/07/2020 18:48

@gentlerock

I'm genuinely shocked at how many people think this is all down to anxiety.

I think it was irresponsible of him.

I feel like he's put us at potential risk.

I haven't said any of this to him, of course I haven't.

But I can't help the way I feel!!

I'm considering shoving him in the spare room for a few weeks!!

If I was shoved in the spare room days after my grandmother had died for grieving i Would be taking myself to another house permanently.
gnushoes · 29/07/2020 18:48

OP, I was brought up by a mother whose anxiety was extreme. It was pretty awful. Please seek help.

howfarwevecome · 29/07/2020 18:49

OP: AIBU?

Everyone: Yes, YABVU.

OP: Digs in even more and suggests her DH will be sleeping in the spare room for several weeks.

Everyone: Shock

You are completely overreacting, OP. Completely.

I imagine you'd have wanted your sole surviving parent to be able to hug you if you needed one had they lost their lifetime partner.

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