To be annoyed DH hugged his dad.

[gentlerock]

We've spent months being careful, we have a 5 month old baby and I'm vulnerable having mild asthma.

Last week DH Gran passed away suddenly.

Today DH called to see his Dad and told me they hugged as they were both really upset.

Now I completely sympathise with this, really I do, but bare in mind DH grandma spent 3 days in hospital before passing.

DH dad was there every day and the hospital announced yesterday there had been an outbreak on one of their wards affecting 4 staff and 3 patients(although it didn't state which ward so we don't know if was the one DH grandma was on)

I suffer with anxiety already and I'm petrified DD could end up ill or be left without parents.

I really do feel so annoyed with him. AIBU?!

Christ, your poor husband.

I can't believe you've not let his parents hold their granddaughter either! That's shocking, sorry.

Your anxiety is at an excessive and irrational level op, you need to chat to your GP about it

Why are people so outraged that we haven't allowed anyone to hold DD?!

The advice is to social distance, even for babies?!

Yabvu. I attended my grandmother and my mother's funeral one week apart. In May. Mother died in hospital from Covid.

My aunt - mothers sister - and I hugged. Neither of us have hugged anyone outside our households before or since but on that day we both desperately needed that hug.

If your gmil had been on an affected ward then fil would surely have been contacted by now?

However, anxiety is not a nice thing to have and it is this which is colouring your views here and nothing else. I assume you are seeking help for the anxiety before it affects you and the rest of your family too much. Vent on here about it and not to your dh.

I agree YABU, but not as passionately as others , as I do understand where you are coming from. But yes please don’t let your OH know how you feel, if possible, as it’s done now and he must be in a bad place at the moment.

the hospital announced yesterday there had been an outbreak on one of their wards affecting 4 staff and 3 patients

Where did the hospital announce this? I've never heard of that.

If the outbreak was on his grandma’s ward your FILwould have been contacted by test and trace people.

Yes. There is no way the hospital wouldn't have told your FIL if there'd been any contact at all with COVID-19. He was not at risk and he is no risk to your child.

I afraid YABU.

I'm clinically vulnerable myself but we've now lost three close family members during lockdown. And yes, I hugged MIL, and my nieces following FIL's death. Obviously DH hugged his mum - and his dad just before and after his death.
I've hugged my parents following two grandparents dying in recent weeks. Teen Dd has too. My mum was with my nana before she died in hospital - my nana also tested positive for Covid at one point during her time in hospital. But visitors were in masks, gloves and aprons plus washed fully after leaving.

It's natural to need to hug a close relative in such times and it would be awful to not do so for many. I decided that it was a risk I was willing to take. I needed those hugs as much as the people I was hugging did.

Is this a reverse? No one is this unkind IRL surely

OP look at this from the outside.Of course your DH hugged his DF. The chance of COVID being in the mix is minescule. Mild asthma doesn't make you vulnerable and babies don't tend to be vulnerable either so I would try very hard not to worry. Wash your hands and social distance like mad but some things in life are more important than taking tiny risks .

@vanillandhoney

Christ, your poor husband.

I can't believe you've not let his parents hold their granddaughter either! That's shocking, sorry.

More common than you think. There was a thread recently (2 weeks ago maybe?) Asking whether people had let others hold their babies. At least half said no. Grandparents have been allowed to see baby through a window, or hug older grandchildren with a hoodie on backwards. A grandmother was absolutely slated on here for being "so entitled" for wanting to hold her grandchild. I believe one of the quotes was "no wonder so many people go NC with with parents".

OP have a read up on viral load. I can understand anxiety but this is not reasonable levels and not fair on your DH or you

If you had posted this back in April or May everybody would have agreed with you and called your DH a murderer.

I wouldn't have. FIL died at the start of April after some time in hospital before moving to a hospice briefly.
My nana died in early June.
My other nana died a few days ago.

My stance on this hasn't changed since that first death.

I honestly don't think you can blame your lack of empathy on anxiety here OP.

It's like when MNetters blame 'hormones' for their truly awful behaviour.

Both anxiety and being hormonal can cause issues for the sufferer but you can't blame everything on them.

Have a heart and think about this poor man having just lost his wife and your poor DH, having just lost his mum rather than thinking about your mild asthma.

@EarringsandLipstick

the hospital announced yesterday there had been an outbreak on one of their wards affecting 4 staff and 3 patients

Where did the hospital announce this? I've never heard of that.

It's in 3 local papers!

Have you been completely isolating because of your asthma or the baby? Because if you haven't been completely isolating, then you have no right to accuse your dh of putting you and dad at risk for hugging his dad who had just lost his mom

They seem to have concluded that being overweight and/or having diabetes and/or heart disease and or BAME represent greater risks than asthma.

I think you would find it helpful to talk to you health visitor or GP about your fears.

In your DH's position, I would do the same.

gentkerock Have you changed your viewpoint due to the replies?

@SleepingStandingUp

Have you been completely isolating because of your asthma or the baby? Because if you haven't been completely isolating, then you have no right to accuse your dh of putting you and dad at risk for hugging his dad who had just lost his mom

Both! And I have been completely isolating.

I'm not in the shielding list but that's my choice to isolate.

In the last two weeks we've allowed family to cover in the garden but have always maintained 2m distance!!

I haven't even been to a supermarket!

I am sorry OP but I think you are being unreasonable by blowing this out of proportion.

Please have a think about whether you need some help with your anxiety.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/anxiety-and-panic-attacks/self-care-for-anxiety/

Have a read of ^^ OP, there is more info out there.

I'm genuinely shocked at how many people think this is all down to anxiety.

I think it was irresponsible of him.

I feel like he's put us at potential risk.

I haven't said any of this to him, of course I haven't.

But I can't help the way I feel!!

I'm considering shoving him in the spare room for a few weeks!!

the hospital announced yesterday there had been an outbreak on one of their wards affecting 4 staff and 3 patients*

Where did the hospital announce this? I've never heard of that.

Sounds similar to Pinderfields in Wakefield, West Yorkshire. Been on the local news and everything.

Op, I can understand how you feel and that it's worrying, especially as you have a baby, but yabu. They've lost a close family member and it's natural to hug. It probably happened without them even thinking about it.

I honestly find it so unbelievably depressing that we live in a world where hugging your dad after he has lost his mum could even remotely be considered an unreasonable thing to do.

With mild asthma you aren't even vulnerable.

My DH has mild asthma and he hasn't had a day off sick in over 5 years. He's been around my symptoms for a long time and he's been fine. So the conclusion for me is that he isn't vulnerable and has very likely had it without symptoms.

I've actually been ill and so has DD2 (8). We've coped, we've had to.