Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed DH hugged his dad.

626 replies

gentlerock · 29/07/2020 18:13

We've spent months being careful, we have a 5 month old baby and I'm vulnerable having mild asthma.

Last week DH Gran passed away suddenly.

Today DH called to see his Dad and told me they hugged as they were both really upset.

Now I completely sympathise with this, really I do, but bare in mind DH grandma spent 3 days in hospital before passing.

DH dad was there every day and the hospital announced yesterday there had been an outbreak on one of their wards affecting 4 staff and 3 patients(although it didn't state which ward so we don't know if was the one DH grandma was on)

I suffer with anxiety already and I'm petrified DD could end up ill or be left without parents.

I really do feel so annoyed with him. AIBU?!

OP posts:
Sirzy · 29/07/2020 18:55

You need to learn to balance the risk though.

The chances of your daughter catching it are minute. The chances of her passing it to you are even slimmer and the chances are that then killing you are negligible.

Realistically your going to be much more at risk of getting ran over while out on a walk, and I’m sure you know that that is unlikely in the grand scheme of things.

raspberryk · 29/07/2020 18:55

I don't want DD to be anxious but we're in a pandemic. How can I not be worried about that?!

Really op most people I know aren't actually worried about "being in a pandemic". Please seek help for your anxiety.

You seem to be getting more and more unreasonable.

Original poster
gentlerock · 29/07/2020 18:56

@Nicknacky

gentlerock Don’t get arsey, you didn’t say there was 16 going. Just that 16 were allowed.
My reply was not arsey!!

16 people are "allowed" I think it's pretty obvious really that it will be at full capacity.

The lady was 88 she knew way more than the 16 people limit. 😔

OP posts:
ekidmxcl · 29/07/2020 18:56

I can understand that you are frightened and that is probably quite appropriate given there is a pandemic. However, we have to try and live carefully rather than locking ourselves up too much.

I imagine that they were not exhaling droplets directly into eachother's faces whilst hugging so I think that I'd just let this go.

amber763 · 29/07/2020 18:56

I think you need to speak with your GP about your anxiety for your child's sake.

PatriciaHolm · 29/07/2020 18:57

I don't want DD to be anxious but we're in a pandemic. How can I not be worried about that?!

By trying to calmly understand that the actual risk, to her and to you, is miniscule. Locking yourselves down to the extent you have, and continue to do, is more considerably more likely to result in ongoing mental health issues than anything else.

Nicknacky · 29/07/2020 18:57

She might have known more than 16 people but family take priority at a funeral. Think carefully before you don’t attend.

EarringsandLipstick · 29/07/2020 18:59

I think 'anxiety' is a smokescreen for OP being pretty unkind and unsupportive to her DH.

Many people have anxiety but it doesn't cause them to act like an arse.

Original poster
gentlerock · 29/07/2020 19:00

@Nicknacky

She might have known more than 16 people but family take priority at a funeral. Think carefully before you don’t attend.
But what am I supposed to do with DD.

She's breastfed for a start, never been away from me.

I don't feel comfortable having anyone in my house right now and I don't feel comfortable leaving DD.

So I take her and risk her potentially being restless / crying during the service at which point I'd have to walk out.

I've read all sorry of stories of people contracting Covid in churches too. 😕

OP posts:
ElephantLover · 29/07/2020 19:00

@gentlerock I don't think your fears are unfounded. I'd feel the same. But instead of being anxious or angry I'd ask DH to isolate within the house from now until the funeral & 10 days after. Might be physically difficult but worth it.

EarringsandLipstick · 29/07/2020 19:00

Regarding the hospital Covid outbreak, if it's at the stage of being reported in local media, contact tracing will have been fully completed.

If DH's father hadn't been contacted, he's not at risk.

Surely that's obvious OP?

Original poster
gentlerock · 29/07/2020 19:02

@EarringsandLipstick

I think 'anxiety' is a smokescreen for OP being pretty unkind and unsupportive to her DH.

Many people have anxiety but it doesn't cause them to act like an arse.

I hugged my husband whilst he sobbed this afternoon. He told me he'd been to see his dad and they were both upset and hugged.

I didn't once say a single thing to him!!!

I am not unkind nor heartless.

I came on here to "vent" my feelings and haven't expressed them to my husband at all.

OP posts:
Aragog · 29/07/2020 19:03

I've already made decision not to go to the funeral.

Is your Dh happy with that decision?
Does he not want/need you there as his support following his mum's death?
I can't imagine not being there for Dh following his dad's death in April - and as said already, I am actually in the vulnerable category (I was one point of shielding in my area)

NotIncandescentWithRage · 29/07/2020 19:03

I've read all sorry of stories of people contracting Covid in churches too

Really? Where have you read these stories?

Original poster
gentlerock · 29/07/2020 19:03

[quote ElephantLover]@gentlerock I don't think your fears are unfounded. I'd feel the same. But instead of being anxious or angry I'd ask DH to isolate within the house from now until the funeral & 10 days after. Might be physically difficult but worth it.[/quote]
Well this is why I was thinking of asking him to go into the spare room but others on here are telling me this is unreasonable.

I literally don't know what is the best thing to do anymore to be honest.

OP posts:
wingingit987 · 29/07/2020 19:03

Not to be rude but we all feel this way about protecting our children through a pandemic but what if you have to go out to work to put food on the table my lo is back at nursery, I have to work and my job can't be done from home. My job also ranks in the top 5 jobs most likely to contract COVID 19.... great! We all want to protect our children but self isolating yourself and child is not doing you any favors. Stick to the rules and they have relaxed a lot more than you have. My anxiety peaked after my lo he was around 7 months when I was diagnosed with PND i wasn't depressed I was just anxious speaking to the GP helped so much I would advise that you do the same.

I also lost my grandad during Lockdown cancer not covid but it was devastating it's been far worse than any bereavement I've had before and unfortunately there has been a few in my family in the last few years. I really feel for your husband and his family but you right now need to support your husband. He will forever remember when he lost his nan and his wife was no comfort instead she caused more stress for him.

Nicknacky · 29/07/2020 19:04

Take her with you. If you have to leave during the service then that’s ok. But think about how your H might want the support.

Just don’t use the baby as your excuse for not going when it’s your anxiety talking.

Original poster
gentlerock · 29/07/2020 19:04

@Aragog

I've already made decision not to go to the funeral.

Is your Dh happy with that decision?
Does he not want/need you there as his support following his mum's death?
I can't imagine not being there for Dh following his dad's death in April - and as said already, I am actually in the vulnerable category (I was one point of shielding in my area)

It wasn't his mum, it was his grandmother who passed.

He understands that leaving DD with someone isn't really a practical option.
She's never been left. She's breastfed and what if she won't settle without us?!

OP posts:
alreadytaken · 29/07/2020 19:05

You would have done better to post this in chat, rather than AIBU.

Many new mothers are over anxious about their babies - I know I was really upset the first time mine projectile vomited all over me. It's amazing how much mess one baby can make. However the best way to deal with anxiety is to research the real risks. Babies have very little risk of getting ill with Covid-19 even if they catch it. Mild asthma is not a risk, the main risk factors are age and sex - so the Dad your husband hugged was at risk but your risk, since you are young enough to have a 5 month old baby, is very low.

Aragog · 29/07/2020 19:05

Sorry not his mum - his grandma

saraclara · 29/07/2020 19:05

The risk to your mental health and the happiness of your husband and child is far greater than your risk of covid right now.

There are 280,000 people in my local authority. We are not one of the lowest risk authorities at all. But we have had NO confirmed cases of covid for the last week.

Do you seriously think that your DH or FIL are likely to have it, given those odds? And if they did, do you think a quick hug is enough to pass it on? And if they did pass it on that you and your child would be among the tiny minority of that tiny minority who will die?

You really do need some professional help.

ScissorsBike · 29/07/2020 19:05

Just take the baby to the funeral. It will do you good.

Please seek urgent help for your mental health - you owe it to your family.

Mwnci123 · 29/07/2020 19:06

YABU.
It's a balance, deciding which risks to take. This one was worth it.

letmethinkaboutitfornow · 29/07/2020 19:06

YABU - very! 😔

MakyJo · 29/07/2020 19:06

Absolutely YABU

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.