To be annoyed DH hugged his dad.

[gentlerock]

We've spent months being careful, we have a 5 month old baby and I'm vulnerable having mild asthma.

Last week DH Gran passed away suddenly.

Today DH called to see his Dad and told me they hugged as they were both really upset.

Now I completely sympathise with this, really I do, but bare in mind DH grandma spent 3 days in hospital before passing.

DH dad was there every day and the hospital announced yesterday there had been an outbreak on one of their wards affecting 4 staff and 3 patients(although it didn't state which ward so we don't know if was the one DH grandma was on)

I suffer with anxiety already and I'm petrified DD could end up ill or be left without parents.

I really do feel so annoyed with him. AIBU?!

I'm glad it is helping you, OP.

I hope you can start to relax more now. Get out more. Stop quarantining post and shopping. Or washing takeaways down first. And buy DH a medal.

@Jayne35

If my Grandma died during this pandemic I would absolutely hug my Mum, without a doubt, whatever the 'government guidelines' say. So yes OP YABVU to be annoyed with your DH, whether or not you said anything. I just hope you didn't pull away from hugging him when he told you he hugged his Dad.

No of course I didn't. He was really upset.

@Topseyt

I'm glad it is helping you, OP.

I hope you can start to relax more now. Get out more. Stop quarantining post and shopping. Or washing takeaways down first. And buy DH a medal.

@Topseyt he certainly deserves one!!!!

@gentlerock I posted last night to say YABU to be annoyed with your husband, but this morning I've been thinking back to when we were intially put into lockdown. My anxiety about Covid was very high (I'm not normally an anxious person) I was on the verge of tears alot of the time (although that could be where my Grandad had recently died) was wiping our shopping, spraying the post, takeaways were taken out of the packaging, put onto plates and kitchen sides washed down and repeated handwashing and I was quite scared to go anywhere. It was while wiping down the shopping, I began to really overthink it and realised that the shopping was never really "clean" as one hand will be used to pick up the "contaminated" item, the other used to wipe it down and then the hand that picked it up out of the bag "contaminated" the item again - unless you're full on washing it in soapy water which you can't do for lost stuff as you'll make it soggy. That was when I realised I was driving myself crazy with it. Now we just wash hands and wear masks. Technically against the rules as not single adult household but we've formed a "bubble" with PIL as one of my children is ASD and they look after him 1 day a week for both his and my mental health. You'll get through this - focus on one thing at a time. What gives you the most anxiety and what gives you the least?

Government guidance on this is frequently irrational at best and sometimes just unwise. I'm not going into pubs because I live with someone who is not clinically vulnerable but would be if the government really followed the science. So we take no stupid risks but have never washed the shopping either. When virus levels were high - and if they become high again - post was left for a day before opening or opened wearing gloves. We eat takeaways but when virus levels are high food gets microwaved for 60 seconds.

We went out for walks at quiet times from the beginning and are not going to visit crowded places just because the government now wants the economy revived.

We do that because our risk is high - yours is not, your babies is not. Your biggest risk is a child growing up with excessive anxiety, afraid to have a life. In your place I would be seeing friends outside. I'd be shopping, but wearing a mask and wearing it properly so it covered my nose as well as my mouth. I'd take it off from the sides, not the front and I'd sanitise my hands afterwards. I'd stay away from elderly people if I could because they have a lot more reason to feel worried than I would.

I'd have been taking my child to the park, to the zoo, to gardens as soon as they opened.

Not really sure where to start but all I can do is explain and hope she doesn't think I'm completely insane.

I do worry she's doing to think I'm an unfit mum or be concerned that I haven't called her sooner.

You sound like a very good mother from the limited things you’ve said. If you’re honest with her about how you’re struggling then hopefully the focus will be how you can move forward. It may be worth opening up to your other mum friends too; I don’t think anyone will be judging you for being anxious in the circumstance. (Of everyone who has commented here, only a handful have been unnecessarily rude, I’d say most people have come across as caring and wanting to help.)

@TomorrowAlways

OP don’t beat yourself up over this. I know lots of people in real life quarantining food for three days, wiping foods down etc...it was recommended by doctors so why wouldn’t we do everything we can to avoid the virus?

Not everything you think and feel has been wrong. Responses on Mumsnet have always been skewered a certain way, no matter what the topic...you could ask a different audience and they would tell you the opposite.

Do you really think that your post is helping the OP with her anxiety? OP I don’t know anyone in real life who’s putting their food in quarantine for 3 days.

I don’t know anyone in real life who’s putting their food in quarantine for 3 days

I don't even know anyone who's still wiping it down, never mind quarantining their shopping! What do they do about stuff that needs refrigerating for goodness' sake! That's a new one on me.

With so many people telling me the risk was small and I'm over reacting, it's making me believe now that I really am.

Believe me it's very hard to accept this.

When you're living a certain way you start to believe it's the right way.

It's hard. I know DH doesn't like the way we live. He's a lot more relaxed than me.

I just think I've been doing all these things to protect us, but in hindsight it's made my poor DH fed up, I feel exhausted with it all and now incredibly guilty that I could be infact damaging DD and not protecting her.

I posted in the YABU camp yesterday. But I want to say this after you posted the comment above: well done for taking steps to get better and speaking to HV. You've had some tough realisations, and I hope you feel less anxious in time. Good luck to you.

Sorry, I meant to bold the entire comment from OP.

YABVVVVVVVU

@gentlerock I've actually read a lot of things from other posters on here! Just reading what others do.Washing clothes. Quarantining Mail, spraying shoes.I thought that was what a lot of people were doing and I've just been doing the same.The issue is I've done all off these things for months now so it's going to be hard to just suddenly stop

Literally doing none of these. Same with takeaways etc - as others have said, just deal with as normal and wash hands after - I often don't even do that!

My view may be clouded though as I am a nurse and was redeployed to the front line from my education post for a while. DP also a front line nurse. We both have health conditions which you would call "vulnerable". I am also quite overweight (although working on that!).
We have made no changes to our lives apart from those that were official such as social distancing, only going out for essentials, handwashing etc. Started wearing masks when that was required (in Scotland). We have two DC and a shielding parent. None of us have been ill or had covid symptoms.

Despite the initial hysteria - which is understandable given the uncertainty, this virus is highly infectious but not really contagious. This means it is spread by an infectious agent ( the Sars-2 corona virus) rather than by contact (contagious).

It is not the bubonic plague! You need to actually be exposed to the infectious agent - with this virus, through close contact with an infected person (with a high viral load) for around at least 10 minutes. the chance of contamination from surfaces is almost insignificant unless you are literally licking up the saliva of someone who has a huge viral load immediately after them spitting on it - sorry that sounds gross but that is the reality. You cannot get infected simply by hugging a person who is well.

Not really sure where to start but all I can do is explain and hope she doesn't think I'm completely insane.

I always try and think of an opening sentence so that I know what I am going to say to start the conversation off.

Maybe you could think of something like 'I have been feeling anxious recently and I am not sure if it is too much. For example my DH hugged his father the other day after a bereavement and I am so worried about catching covid that I was thinking he should sleep in another room'. Then stop and let them ask more questions.

YABU. Very

[quote Hangingwithmygnomies]@gentlerock I posted last night to say YABU to be annoyed with your husband, but this morning I've been thinking back to when we were intially put into lockdown. My anxiety about Covid was very high (I'm not normally an anxious person) I was on the verge of tears alot of the time (although that could be where my Grandad had recently died) was wiping our shopping, spraying the post, takeaways were taken out of the packaging, put onto plates and kitchen sides washed down and repeated handwashing and I was quite scared to go anywhere. It was while wiping down the shopping, I began to really overthink it and realised that the shopping was never really "clean" as one hand will be used to pick up the "contaminated" item, the other used to wipe it down and then the hand that picked it up out of the bag "contaminated" the item again - unless you're full on washing it in soapy water which you can't do for lost stuff as you'll make it soggy. That was when I realised I was driving myself crazy with it. Now we just wash hands and wear masks. Technically against the rules as not single adult household but we've formed a "bubble" with PIL as one of my children is ASD and they look after him 1 day a week for both his and my mental health. You'll get through this - focus on one thing at a time. What gives you the most anxiety and what gives you the least?[/quote]
@Hangingwithmygnomies

What gives you the most anxiety and what gives you the least.

Something happening to DD 😔 or something happening to me and leaving her without a mum.

To be totally honest now I'm thinking about it I can't really think what makes me feel least anxious as I think on reflection I'm quite anxious about a lot of things right now. 😢

@Doggybiccys

You cannot get infected simply by hugging a person who is well.*

Hmmm but this is half of my battle. We don't know who is well or not. Do we?

If people are asymptomatic then they're technically not well but could infect others.
Or perhaps some is in the incubation period, which I'd read means they are still infectious.

@ButterMeCrumpets

Not really sure where to start but all I can do is explain and hope she doesn't think I'm completely insane.

I always try and think of an opening sentence so that I know what I am going to say to start the conversation off.

Maybe you could think of something like 'I have been feeling anxious recently and I am not sure if it is too much. For example my DH hugged his father the other day after a bereavement and I am so worried about catching covid that I was thinking he should sleep in another room'. Then stop and let them ask more questions.

@ButterMeCrumpets

Thank you. I will start with this.

[quote gentlerock]@Doggybiccys

You cannot get infected simply by hugging a person who is well.*

Hmmm but this is half of my battle. We don't know who is well or not. Do we?

If people are asymptomatic then they're technically not well but could infect others.
Or perhaps some is in the incubation period, which I'd read means they are still infectious. [/quote]
Try and rationalise it a bit though. Virus numbers in the population are now low. It’s really quite unlikely that his dad has got it to pass on.

@gentlerock

Something happening to DDor something happening to me and leaving her without a mum

I think this is a pretty normal worry to have as a parent, maybe not quite to the level that your anxiety is right now but I then I haven't got a baby born in the middle of a pandemic. Start with small steps - maybe not spraying the post or shoes to start with and build from there. Hopefully your HV can arrange some CBT to help too. You'll get through this. Also maybe stay away from social media and the news for a while. I got obessessed with following it for updates and it really, really didn't help me. As soon as I stopped doing that my anxiety levels got much lower. As I say, I'm not normally an anxious person so I can imagine it's much harder for someone who is so for you

She wont think you're a bad mum!!!! I promise, they're there to help you and they understand exactly how hard it is to reach out and ask for help. Just explain to her that your anxiety is eating you and you're exhausted. I bet you'll find you feel much better even just after your phonecall this afternoon - you should be really proud of yourself for reaching out

Let us know how you get on x

gentlerock

If anything was going to trigger anxiety it would be having a baby in the middle of a pandemic. It’s ok... you’re doing the right things. I’m very happy to read your updates. I think the people still piling on still just haven’t read the thread. It’s ok to ask for help... when I had my baby I worked in child protection and every night for 9 months I had dreams that I’d killed her in the bed. I went to the Dr and really didn’t think they’d help me but I got therapy which stopped the dreams. Sometimes we need extra help and it is available. This is an extra ordinary set of circumstances and you won’t be the only person struggling. Good luck.

If anything was going to trigger anxiety it would be having a baby in the middle of a pandemic

Yes. Especially a first baby. Your hormones and thoughts are all over the place.

But as time goes on everything settles down and you can rationalise things much better. I remember being worried every time my husband went out in case he had a car accident and left me on my own with a days-old baby.

I've hugged my mum and she saw my uncle and his wife last week and I bet she hugged them. The risks are tiny unless you live in an area with high numbers and then you wouldn't be seeing relatives anyway.

You just have to suck this up OP. When humans are upset they reach out to those they love to gain support. If you have both being careful I am sure your DH will have came home and showered. He will be upset don't make him feel guilty too.

I hope all goes well gentlerock and the HV can put your mind at rest with regards your baby. Do you have an asthma doctor who could talk to you about how your asthma could be impacted by Covid.

@caringcarer

You just have to suck this up OP. When humans are upset they reach out to those they love to gain support. If you have both being careful I am sure your DH will have came home and showered. He will be upset don't make him feel guilty too.

@caringcarer not straight away he didn't.

He wfh so he went into his office and worked for a few hours.

He finished work, had a shower and then we spoke and told me about the hug.

I wanted to ask him why he didn't shower as soon as he came home, but given the circumstances, I didn't.