To be annoyed DH hugged his dad.

[gentlerock]

We've spent months being careful, we have a 5 month old baby and I'm vulnerable having mild asthma.

Last week DH Gran passed away suddenly.

Today DH called to see his Dad and told me they hugged as they were both really upset.

Now I completely sympathise with this, really I do, but bare in mind DH grandma spent 3 days in hospital before passing.

DH dad was there every day and the hospital announced yesterday there had been an outbreak on one of their wards affecting 4 staff and 3 patients(although it didn't state which ward so we don't know if was the one DH grandma was on)

I suffer with anxiety already and I'm petrified DD could end up ill or be left without parents.

I really do feel so annoyed with him. AIBU?!

@OverTheRainbow88

I feel like this thread should come to an end now.

I’m sure OP realises she was unreasonable, even if her intentions were to protect her dd.

This is just going around in circles!!

I don’t think it should come to an end at all. It’s helping gentlerock realise that she needs to get some help. Hopefully it’s making other people realise that their anxiety is irrational and encouraging them to seek help too. The state of fear some people have experienced for the last few weeks is causing more damage than the disease.

Just reread your status and it is mild asthma. 😮 Even more reason that YABU.

@gingerbeerandlemonade

Just reread your status and it is mild asthma. 😮 Even more reason that YABU.

I am medicated!! I say mild in that it's not serious enough to shield!

I don't think you're vulnerable having mild asthma.

Wakefield is not a hot spot and cases are low despite the outbreak at Pinders, the Urban hostel etc.

My husband had been shielding as he's classed as extremely vulnerable but we still live a semi normal life these days and he hugged family members when we had a death in the family despite one working at the hospital.

We are generally ultra cautious but you seriously need to consider help as you are so far beyond us it's worrying. I'm not trying to be unkind, but please seek help.

I don't know anyone why quarantined post, washed down shopping, sprayed shoes and washed takeaway food containers before bringing them into the house. Nor who washed their clothes immediately after every outing.

I did see some posts on here about it but I know nobody at all in real life who did it. Nobody. I personally felt that that way lay insanity.

Shopping is simply put away in the fridge, freezer and cupboards when I get it home. I'm buggered if I am doing anything else to it.

Clothes go in the washing basket at the end of the day as usual and the next wash is nearly always ready to go on the next day. Nothing special or out of the ordinary needed.

We've had a few takeaways. We like a good curry. I don't washing the containers down before bringing them into the house. I just plate the food up, bung the containers into the recycling bin, wash my hands and then nuke the plated up food in the microwave for about 90 seconds, by which time it is sizzling hot and no risk at all.

You are imagining risks where there are none, and you need help to stop doing that.

You are now in danger of applying the same paranoid and rigid thinking to your DH because he hugged his Dad. I do hope you didn't quarantine him in the spare room as if he were a leper.

This is why you really need medical help.

@Alsohuman

I don’t think it should come to an end at all. It’s helping gentlerock realise that she needs to get some help. Hopefully it’s making other people realise that their anxiety is irrational and encouraging them to seek help too. The state of fear some people have experienced for the last few weeks is causing more damage than the disease.

I agree!! I genuinely thought the replies would be so different to this.

Not that I thought anyone would think hugging relatives is wrong or bad - I know this isn't.

But I thought more people would've agreed with me on the risks.

With so many people telling me the risk was small and I'm over reacting, it's making me believe now that I really am.

Believe me it's very hard to accept this.

When you're living a certain way you start to believe it's the right way.

It's hard. I know DH doesn't like the way we live. He's a lot more relaxed than me.

I just think I've been doing all these things to protect us, but in hindsight it's made my poor DH fed up, I feel exhausted with it all and now incredibly guilty that I could be infact damaging DD and not protecting her. 😢

@gentlerock, today is a new day, darling. You’ve taken that all important first step in acknowledging that this isn’t normal and messaging your HV. This is huge. Hats off to you.

Try not to feel guilty. Your daughter’s tiny, she won’t remember. Give her lots of lovely tomorrows, take her dad’s lead and you can all have a life where your anxiety is reduced and you can all be happy.

[quote Alsohuman]@gentlerock, today is a new day, darling. You’ve taken that all important first step in acknowledging that this isn’t normal and messaging your HV. This is huge. Hats off to you.

Try not to feel guilty. Your daughter’s tiny, she won’t remember. Give her lots of lovely tomorrows, take her dad’s lead and you can all have a life where your anxiety is reduced and you can all be happy.[/quote]
@Alsohuman Thank you 🥰

Very unreasonable

YABVU, you are also very anxious. The risk of serious illness due to COVID for children is minuscule. I was surprised that people with diabetes are seeing worser outcomes then people with asthma.

At work we have been risk assessed and mild to moderate asthma is deemed as low risk.

Try to ground yourself with facts, this usually helps me when I get anxious.

@gentlerock oh sweetheart, don’t beat yourself up. You have reached out for advice, taken it on board and have displayed enormous courage to keep on reading this thread, as some posters appear to have had an empathy by-pass.
Becoming a parent heightens all sorts of emotions and to do that during a pandemic must have been really hard, without access to the sort of network often available to new mothers, such as post natal meet-ups and the like.
You’ve done really well to challenge yourself, seek help and review things. I hope you begin to feel far less anxious over time.

YABU. Wow that's a little bit heartless

[quote Timetospare]@gentlerock oh sweetheart, don’t beat yourself up. You have reached out for advice, taken it on board and have displayed enormous courage to keep on reading this thread, as some posters appear to have had an empathy by-pass.
Becoming a parent heightens all sorts of emotions and to do that during a pandemic must have been really hard, without access to the sort of network often available to new mothers, such as post natal meet-ups and the like.
You’ve done really well to challenge yourself, seek help and review things. I hope you begin to feel far less anxious over time.[/quote]
@Timetospare I've found it hard. It's not the parenting that's been difficult, more the lack of support. Particularly form HV's.
The routine checks we were supposed to have were all cancelled.

I want to get better. Really I do.

I have a beautiful baby and I know I'm incredibly lucky for that.
I owe it to her to get better but I just honestly haven't recognised that what I've been doing is an issue. It's felt tough, exhausting, worrying. But I just assumed we were all in the same boat.

OP don’t beat yourself up over this. I know lots of people in real life quarantining food for three days, wiping foods down etc...it was recommended by doctors so why wouldn’t we do everything we can to avoid the virus?

Not everything you think and feel has been wrong. Responses on Mumsnet have always been skewered a certain way, no matter what the topic...you could ask a different audience and they would tell you the opposite.

I remember at the start of the pandemic seeing a post on here which said to treat everyone you know / meet (outside of your household) as if they have Covid.

I've been doing this for months and I think this is probably where my issues have started.

Well done, OP. It's a big deal to admit things aren't okay and to seek help. I hope your health visitor is supportive and that you can start to move forward in a better way.

OP I'm so glad to see that you've messaged your HV for some support! I actually checked back just to see if you had or contacted a GP etc. That's a massive step in the right direction and you should feel really good about that.

@MrsKin90

OP I'm so glad to see that you've messaged your HV for some support! I actually checked back just to see if you had or contacted a GP etc. That's a massive step in the right direction and you should feel really good about that.

I've had a reply back! She's going to call me at 1pm.

Not really sure where to start but all I can do is explain and hope she doesn't think I'm completely insane.

I do worry she's doing to think I'm an unfit mum or be concerned that I haven't called her sooner. 😕

GinLimeandLemonade

We've had two family members die since March. None of us have hugged anyone else in our family, we've all stuck to just our own households. It's been horrible but it's what's recommended so we've just got on with it.“

Sincere condolences, *GinLimeandLemonade”

Unfortunately, it seems that many people have extremely short memories. *

I've actually read a lot of things from other posters on here! Just reading what others do.
Washing clothes. Quarantining Mail, spraying shoes.

See, this is what worries me about Mumsnet. It seems to attract people at the extremes and make their views seem normal.

If you believe MN, lots of women don't allow anyone to see or hold their newborn for months or more. Because it's those people who are most vocal when there's a thread about family visiting after a birth.

If you believe MN everyone's quarantining their mail for three days and their teenagers haven't left the house for five months. Because they are the most vocal posters.
We could make a whole thread about the things that Mumsnet posters make sound 'normal' when it's really not!

I don't know a single person who's washing their shopping. Not even my daughter who has anxiety. She's being very cautious, but not to that level. Everyone I know is leaving the house to go to shops or parks. Even the most tentative or vulnerable. And universally, we've all shared how much better we felt for realising that actually it isn't scary out there after all.

I'm really glad you've contacted your HV. People seem to think you're not listening, but you clearly are, and you're recognising what's been going on in your mind. So good luck, and seriously, get out into the world. You won't regret it.

Yay! I'm so glad you HV is getting back to you soon. And she really won't think the less of you! She'll be impressed that you've sought her help, if anything.

So do be honest with her (I'm sure you will) and let her talk you through the measures that will keep you all safe, but enable you to enjoy life again and support each other.

@Aragog

I really do think it would be worth talking to your gp about your anxiety. As I said I found a chat with my consultant really useful.

I AM clinically vulnerable.
I wash my hands regularly and use a mask and anti bac.

I don't quarantine or wash shopping and mail.
We don't wash clothes after each outdoor wear.
We have met friends and family with some SDing but have allowed them to come in, since rules changed, and to use out toilet.
I've hugged my closer relatives (following family deaths)
I've eaten out.
I've been into work - a school - a bit.

In September I will be working in school, teaching 270 children plus staff with no SD or protection. Staying isolated and locked away isn't an option for me as even clinically vulnerable children and staff have to return in 4 weeks time.

Similar here

Clinically vulnerable

Wash hands (number one method of infection control)
I have shopping delivered but visit shops occasionally wearing a mask
I socially distance as much as possible but can’t always guarantee two metres

Other than that I am just living my life. I’ve been to restaurants that I know have good Covid procedures in place but will walk away from anywhere that looks crowded where social distancing is not possible. I have sat in a pub beer garden. I have been to the hairdressers wearing a mask and with them wearing masks and face shields.
I have taken a train to the dentist at a quiet time of day wearing a mask.

I would not have done any of the above during lockdown but all of the above are now in accordance with government guidelines.

If my Grandma died during this pandemic I would absolutely hug my Mum, without a doubt, whatever the 'government guidelines' say. So yes OP YABVU to be annoyed with your DH, whether or not you said anything. I just hope you didn't pull away from hugging him when he told you he hugged his Dad.

Really pleased you are going to talk to the HV.
I honestly think a lot of people are feeling like you do- it’s one of those unintended consequences of lockdown.
Hope she is helpful.