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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to leave 8 & 10 year alone to go out to dinner?

430 replies

BereftOfInk · 29/07/2020 13:21

DH has suggested we go out to dinner together and leave the DC home alone. His parents often did this once he turned 10. I don't know if I'm being over protective as I was never left alone as a child. We live in a block of flats and would let our direct neighbours know they were alone, DC know them and could go and knock if they needed help for any reason. They offered to do this a while ago, but we thought the DC were too young so didn't. Neighbour suggested it as it's what her parents did when she was young (she wouldn't want to sit in our flat with them).

Get them ready for bed, stick a film on and let them go to bed when tired/fall asleep on the sofa. Acceptable or not?

OP posts:

Hippocampe · 29/07/2020 13:49

I think if the youngest was the 10 year old it wouldn't be so risky, but you're effectively leaving a 10 year old to babysit a younger child, and that just seems like a huge amount of responsibility for a child that age. If they were 12 & 10 MAYBE it wouldn't seem so bad as the older one wouldn't need to care for or worry about the younger one so much. I still wouldn't though, I think any age below teenage shouldn't be left alone, especially on an evening for any length of time. Would you really enjoy your meal out worrying of all the possibilities that could be happening at home? Would your children even be okay with this? Being left on an evening in the dark while you're out for an extended period of time is going to feel completely different to an hour in the day time while you're at the shops.

MamaDane · 29/07/2020 13:49

I'd say it's too early, OP. I recon 12-13 is the age where you can leave them unattended at home for some time but 10 is too young in my view, especially considering there's an 8 year old as well.

Get a teenager to watch them. Give them money for pizza and have them watch a movie.

IncrediblySadToo · 29/07/2020 13:50

No, they're too young.

I allow lots of things/freedoms that many in MN would not. But even I'm saying 'no' to this.

Why is he so keen to go out to dinner without the kids anyway?

You could give the kids dinner early, set them up with a movie in the bedroom & cook/get a delivery later on if you really want to have a 'romantic' dinner?

Personally I'd rather just have dinner as a family & watch a film together. Plenty of time alone when they're asleep.

Tlollj · 29/07/2020 13:50

I think I remember that programme too @Milssofadoesntreallyfit was it American? Any way I agree with pp much too young to be left alone at home. Get a takeaway. Or a proper babysitter.
I don’t know what school your dcs attend where they are encouraged to walk home alone at 5 either.

chellochello · 29/07/2020 13:51

Too young in my opinion - my kids are the exact same age and I have left the eldest alone for 5 mins when I went to the shop but wouldn't dream of leaving the 8 year old with him or of going out for longer

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 29/07/2020 13:51

It's a no from me. My 12 year old is home alone for short periods/after school sometimes but I wouldn't go out for the evening. 10 is far too you to be responsible for an 8 year old.

katy1213 · 29/07/2020 13:51

Well, I would. Maybe get the neighbour to look in on them at 9-ish and don't be too late back.

mellowgreenspring · 29/07/2020 13:51

I'm leaving my DC alone overnight for the first time and they are 16&13 and even I'm bricking it! We are only staying 15 minutes away.

We will pop to the pub or the shops daytimes for an hour or two with them at that age as well.

But at 10&8 I wouldn't of leaf them for an evening without a sitter.

Undies1990 · 29/07/2020 13:52

So that's around 40 responses saying YABU but you sound like you're going to do it anyway...

I wouldn't do it as I could not forgive myself if something happened while I was out. Sounds selfish really. If you can afford to go out for dinner, you can afford a babysitter to look after your precious children.

Iwalkinmyclothing · 29/07/2020 13:53

People do things they 'know they're not allowed to' every day, so assuming your dc will be some miraculous exception to human nature and never do anything they've been told they shouldn't is not the best course of action.

They're 10 and 8. They're too young to be left for an extended period of time. It's too much to ask of them (and I don't care whether anyone else was expected to be running a house from the age of 5 and had their kids walking to and from nursery alone as soon as they could toddle and how well that went for them) and it's not good parenting. It's piss poor parenting to take a totally unnecessary risk because you want to go out for a meal, as a very well known case recently back in the news should make clear to everyone.

If I were your neighbour and you told me you were off out for a jolly and had left your 10 and 8 year old alone and could I keep an ear out I would a) ask what the fuck you were at and b) report my concerns to social services; if you did go out and leave them alone as you have described I would be on the phone to the EDT as soon as I had confirmed you had done it.

Griselda1 · 29/07/2020 13:54

Your outing is hardly crucial, you don't have to go for a meal. Your neighbour, as another poster highlighted, may tell others or make it obvious that the children are alone. I'd seriously question your neighbours judgement for agreeing to this arrangement and also notice that she's putting strict parameters on what she's prepared to do. If she forgets about them or doesn't respond to an emergency it's not going to be her fault.

Gogogadgetarms · 29/07/2020 13:55

@BereftOfInk

South of Germany. And when they went back in May, parents were forbidden from school grounds. We know all the neighbours in our block and would certainly leave the DC with them all in an emergency. They all independently offered at one point or another as they know I've no family nearby.

Sorry still don’t believe this. 5 year olds were instructed by the school to walk home alone? And the parents complied? Bullshit.

PurpleDaisies · 29/07/2020 13:55

So that's around 40 responses saying YABU but you sound like you're going to do it anyway...

I agree with this.

They’re still in primary school. Get a babysitter.

Original poster

BereftOfInk · 29/07/2020 13:56

It's not bullshit. It's normal.

OP posts:

KeepingPlain · 29/07/2020 13:57

Fabulous. Some people cant have kids for reasons that can't be fixed, and end up adopting kids from parents like these who don't give a crap. Great world isn't it?

Love51 · 29/07/2020 13:58

10 is just about borderline ok but 8 is too young imo.

I wouldn't worry about the choking risk so much as about sending a message to the children that you would rather have a meal than make sure they are cared for properly.

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 29/07/2020 13:58

Gogogadget. It could be true - friends of mine live in Switzerland so not far from south Germany and said it is quite normal for kids to walk home from kindy alone, including for lunch which most go home for.

Whenwillow · 29/07/2020 13:59

No, you shouldn't do it. They would probably be fine but that's not the point - what if something did go wrong? You'd never forgive yourself, and you'd also be in hauled up for neglect.
I assume neighbour doesn't want to babysit due to covid concerns? Not sure what babysitting rules are in South Germany but ime if that is the problem you and your husband need to suck it up like everybody else.

PurpleDaisies · 29/07/2020 14:00

Some people cant have kids for reasons that can't be fixed, and end up adopting kids from parents like these who don't give a crap.

Please don’t use people’s infertility as a stick to beat other posters with. Challenge the op for her views by all means but don’t bring not being able to have kids into it. It’s totally irrelevant here.

missyB1 · 29/07/2020 14:00

I don’t care if you think 5 year olds walking home from school alone is normal (my teacher friend in Munich would beg to differ by the way).
But you wanting to leave your kids alone at night so the two of you can have a night on the town is just downright selfish and reckless. Pay a babysitter stop being so penny pinching!

heartsonacake · 29/07/2020 14:01

@BereftOfInk

It's not bullshit. It's normal.

I hope you don’t think you’re responsible parents, OP, because you’re not.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/07/2020 14:01

No, too young whether day or night and I would be a reportable safeguarding issue.

If you don’t want to pay for a sitter, then stay home or take them with you. Did you not expect to have to look after them when you chose to become parents?

Love51 · 29/07/2020 14:02

@KeepingPlain you've missed a lot of steps there, even if social care were rang. You have to be really very neglectful to end up with kids removed, not just go out for dinner. The process takes years, by which time the kids are 10 and 12. With the exception of step parents adoption, kids very rarely get adopted at that age.

Estraya · 29/07/2020 14:04

I'm a bit surprised by these responses. How many of you have children that you allow to play out? I think it's a lot safer to be home than out playing in the street/park and lots of children of those ages are allowed to play out.

Since lockdown started I have been leaving my children (8 and 10) home alone while I do the shopping. I decided that the risk to them was lower at home than potentially exposing them to Covid-19. (I only managed to get one home delivery in 3 months so I did have to shop.) They have access to a phone, a list of numbers to call if needed and know which neighbours they should go to for help in an emergency, though as my neighbours are vulnerable they couldn't be left to babysit. I was worried about it at first and phoned them while I was out to check up on them, but they've actually been really sensible and are proud of themselves for being so grown-up.

I've been considering leaving them for an hour or two in the early evening in order to have a socially distanced meet up with friends, but not yet done it.

I'm trained as a designated safeguarding lead and will ask about this at my next training, but I honestly don't think it would be considered an issue as long as the children in question were generally well behaved, well cared for, sensible children who were not being left for long periods/every day.

Smokeandapancake234 · 29/07/2020 14:05

Not a chance, and I'd be appalled if anyone I knew IRL did this.

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