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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to leave 8 & 10 year alone to go out to dinner?

430 replies

BereftOfInk · 29/07/2020 13:21

DH has suggested we go out to dinner together and leave the DC home alone. His parents often did this once he turned 10. I don't know if I'm being over protective as I was never left alone as a child. We live in a block of flats and would let our direct neighbours know they were alone, DC know them and could go and knock if they needed help for any reason. They offered to do this a while ago, but we thought the DC were too young so didn't. Neighbour suggested it as it's what her parents did when she was young (she wouldn't want to sit in our flat with them).

Get them ready for bed, stick a film on and let them go to bed when tired/fall asleep on the sofa. Acceptable or not?

OP posts:
missyB1 · 29/07/2020 13:38

You really want to do this don’t you OP? And I suspect you will. But honestly it’s not fair on the older one (why the hell should a 10 year old take the responsibility for an 8 year old for that length of time?). And the consequences if anything goes wrong could be really serious - including social services on your back. Don’t put the kids or yourselves in this situation.

Original poster
BereftOfInk · 29/07/2020 13:38

No I haven't actually, but I'm 99% certain it's what DH will answer when I will object the next time he suggests it!

OP posts:
ScrapThatThen · 29/07/2020 13:38

I also think telling neighbours they are home alone adds risk - they may carelessly mention it to others. It's a small risk but one not worth taking.

heartsonacake · 29/07/2020 13:39

Of course it’s not acceptable. They’re children; you’re their parents. You need to look after them or find someone to look after them if you’re not going to be there.

You can‘t just leave them at that age 🤦‍♀️

Spied · 29/07/2020 13:39

Yes, yabvvvvu

WorraLiberty · 29/07/2020 13:40

No, they said they would be there and listen out for the DC, maybe check on them once but not babysit properly.

If they couldn't be arsed to sit in your flat for a couple of hours (and that's literally all it would be), I wouldn't have much faith in them at all where your children are concerned.

Binkalater · 29/07/2020 13:40

What?! They "know" they're not allowed to, so they definitely won't? That's insane. What if the neighbour is in the shower or something when they knock because their sibling is CHOKING? Jesus wept just get a takeaway. Or an actual babysitter.

Fireplaceoffire · 29/07/2020 13:41

From Government website and NSPCC

The law does not say an age when you can leave a child on their own, but it’s an offence to leave a child alone if it places them at risk. Use your judgement on how mature your child is before you decide to leave them alone, for example at home or in a car

The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC) says: children under 12 are rarely mature enough to be left alone for a long period of time, children under 16 should not be left alone overnight, babies, toddlers and very young children should never be left alone

WillowB · 29/07/2020 13:42

Absolutely not.
I'm a primary teacher and if a child disclosed to me that their parents were leaving them alone like this I'd be reporting it to the safeguarding team who would pass it to SS.

TimeWastingButFun · 29/07/2020 13:42

We started leaving them at that age for half hour here and there, but during the day - we still get a sitter if we go out for the eve (12 and 10). I'd worry about a power cut or just them feeling generally less secure alone when it's dark.

NC4Now · 29/07/2020 13:43

I’m pretty laid back, but it’s a no from me.
The most likely thing to happen is that they get silly and someone gets hurt or something gets broken. Or they fight and it goes too far without an adult to step in.
I wouldn’t be telling all the neighbours my kids were home alone. How well do you know them? It’s unlikely they would harm them but there is a small risk.
To be honest, the biggest risks are things you haven’t thought about and there will always be those.
It’s not an emergency. It’s a dinner date. Get a babysitter and enjoy your evening.

Divorcedatlast · 29/07/2020 13:43

It would definitely be deemed as neglect

FatherBrownsBicycle · 29/07/2020 13:43

@BereftOfInk

Mine are currently younger but our primary school only allows them to walk home alone at age 10 Mine were expected to walk home alone from age 5! They can be trusted to be home for an hour during the day whilst I do the weekly shop, but never left them when they're tired/in evening before. ( I wouldn't have done if it hadn't been for covid but as they weren't allowed in the shop, we had to try.)
What country do you live in that a 5 year old walks home from school alone?

No school I know lets a 5 year old out of the door unless they can see a parent/guardian.

BobbieDraper · 29/07/2020 13:43

If one of your kids chokes on something, by the time the other one has gone out to get the neighbour and returned then its going to be too late.

People can choke at any age of course, but when they're young children, a parent should be in the home with them to step in and help right away. If you're leaving them alone, dont bother trying to pretend you've removed the risk because they can knock on the door of a neigbour. You havent. You are taking a risk. End of.

Do you leave them home alone to go shopping every week? For an hour? Why?

When they are 10 and 12, then yes. But not with an 8 year old. Kids can be taught to be independent without leaving them in a situation which can then dangerous.

TimeWastingButFun · 29/07/2020 13:44

Mine were expected to walk home alone from age 5!
5!!???

Milssofadoesntreallyfit · 29/07/2020 13:45

There was a programme on TV a while back, based in a park. The presenter would talk to the parents about the kids walking off with strangers, all of them had said they had had the talk with the children about strangers etc. They asked permission from the parents to test to see if the kids had understood, so with the parent watching the presenter sent another person to engage with the kids, guess what? most of the kids were prepared to walk off with the stranger, the parents were gobsmacked that despite having given the kids the chat the kids were still went.

OP yes you need to give them rules, but this shows that despite this many young kids dont fully understand these rules enough to be trusted on their own, they still need a lot of supervision.

YABVVVVU to even consider it.

I just wish I could remember what the programme was so I could link it in.

BobbieDraper · 29/07/2020 13:45

Oh and telling us that the school told you that your children are expected to wall home alone from 5? Yeah.. that's a lie. That just didnt happen.

It doesnt make your idea sound better. It just makes you sound like someone who lies to justify their actions.

ScatteredMama82 · 29/07/2020 13:45

No way would I leave them at that age! Pay for a babysitter for heaven's sake. My eldest DS is 10, I would leave him alone for 30 mins at most, and certainly not in charge of his younger sibling. Just because your parents or your DH's parents did it doesn't mean it's a good idea.

bloodywhitecat · 29/07/2020 13:46

@BereftOfInk

they try to cook and set a fire, they know they're not allowed to. they let someone in who knocks they know they're not allowed to answer the door bell (my neighbour would knock to check on them rather than ring) one could be sick or choke and the other doesnt know what to do knock next door for help.
You're naive then, kids do all manner of things they know they are "not allowed" to do when a supervising adult isn't around.
Apolloanddaphne · 29/07/2020 13:46

Absolutely not. I am a retired social worker. If this was reported to us it would be followed up and you would be under close scrutiny for being neglectful and negligent in your responsibilities to your children.

TheLastDynasty · 29/07/2020 13:46

It sounds like you’re fairly set on doing it regardless of the advice. If so, it would be worth taking some precautions like buying a video monitor. Though if you’re going to do that, you would be as well just paying for a baby sitter or going somewhere where the children can join you.

Original poster
BereftOfInk · 29/07/2020 13:47

South of Germany. And when they went back in May, parents were forbidden from school grounds.
We know all the neighbours in our block and would certainly leave the DC with them all in an emergency. They all independently offered at one point or another as they know I've no family nearby.

OP posts:
Buddyelf · 29/07/2020 13:48

Might be outing but to try and change your mind my 9 year old choked a few days ago. Her airway was totally blocked, I had 999 dialled but managed to get it up. There is no way in hell she would have been able to get help from a neighbour and her younger sibling wouldn’t have known what to do. If I hadn’t have been here she would have died.
You are risking the safety of your children so you can go for a meal! Disgraceful.

PerpendicularVincent · 29/07/2020 13:48

If a child is choking, the other one knocking on the neighbour's door isn't an ideal solution at all. The risk is small, but these things sometimes happen.

Why not just pay a babysitter?

SwedishK · 29/07/2020 13:49

Depends on the kids but I think it's fine as long as you are nearby and they have a phone so they can call you and you can check in on them. I wouldn't be out till past their bedtime though. I'd just have an early dinner and be home by 8 or 9pm.

I have a similar age gap with my kids as you do and they were definitely home alone at that age occasionally. Although never late at night. We lived in a terrace and always checked someone next door was home in just in case. When they were 11 and 13 or 12 and 14 we left them home alone without checking with the neighbour but for maybe 2-3 hours tops.

Growing up I was home alone from the age of 7 after school every day and then home alone sometimes in the evenings with my older brother from when I was about 8 and he was 11. This was when my parents were out at restaurants and bars etc and it was before anyone had a mobile phone. We just went to bed when we got tired and then the parents came home around midnight or so. Wasn't a big deal at all.