To leave DH over lack of pension

[Champagneforeveryone]

So long story short, DH has been self employed for most of his life, and recently sprung it on me that he has zero pension provision aside from his state pension.

He's 68 now and still working 3 days a week, insists he will "work till he drops". However this will simply not be possible, for one thing his employer is unlikely to pay for him to renew his professional qualifications when they expire, and the work is physically fairly demanding.

He was furloughed during lockdown and loved every moment of it, lamenting about having to return a few weeks ago. Prior to returning to work he's always in a bad mood and complains endlessly about being tired afterwards. I know he's resentful as we live in a fairly well off area where all our older friends and neighbours are retired and living happy and financially comfortable lives.

Today he was telling me about how he has refused to do a job that he was asked, I don't know the ins and outs but by his telling it sounded like he spoke quite rudely to the secretary. He then said that it would be better if they sent him home. This is not the first time it has happened.

It's suddenly occurred to me that if he was sacked then he would have no choice but to "retire", much against my wishes.

With his state pension and my wages we could get by, but it would be a much diminished life and I am resentful that I will be picking up the slack. I think I would feel happier with where we are if he acknowledged it was in any way his fault or attempted to come up with ways to make the situation easier. Predictably he doesn't.

I'm not a gold digger and I don't have extravagant tastes, but I feel increasingly resentful that I will be working harder for a worse quality of life, while DH's poor choices will have little effect on him. I have in the past considered leaving and now wonder whether IABU?

Sounds like he thinks he has married his pension plan. If you love him, that's not a problem. If you don't, it is.

Speak to a solicitor about your pension and if you have to give him a portion when you retire as that may influence your decision.
Get him to find a part time job. I have 70 year old relatives who do eg night duty at a local shopping area, gardening, Dog walking. There is bound to be something he can do part time - van driver?
He can't sit at home all day, if he has no savings his options eg golf will be limited, he needs to work.

So shallow!
This lifestyle that you don't want to give up was partly made possible because he wasn't paying into a pension so I assume you'd also complain if he had paid into one as it would have had an impact on your lifestyle

I think this can be summed up by the old proverb.

When money worries come in the door, love goes out the window.

I don't understand this at ALL!

Why has he not been claiming his pension already?

If he is 68 @Champagneforeveryone, he would have been eligible for his state pension at either 65 or 66. We are slightly younger than him, but are both eligible at 66, which is soon for DH.

The pension dept has been in touch with him/ us quite regularly in the lead up to this with letters giving the date when the first payment will be made.

I have over the last few years looked at my state pension forecast - I've over 35 years' in work so will get the full pension and I started claiming my occupational pension at 60.

Why has he not done any of this?

@Iwalkinmyclothing

I however will miss out from the vantage point of having worked full time shifts in a stressful job, DH will miss out because he didn't put away money in a pension.

Do you feel your DH has not worked enough? That you have worked harder and experienced more stress?

What do you actually want? What do you think your DH should do? What do you believe would be fair and right?

It's not that he's not worked enough, as I said previously he's worked all his life but not made provision for retirement (while wanting to retire) That will have ramifications for me which, while trying not to sound like a petulant toddler, are not fair.

What I want is DH to acknowledge the problem, not to either shrug his shoulders or maintain that he will carry on working (while making our lives a misery into the process because he needs to carry on working) If he could come up with some solutions or suggestions for the future as well that would be great, but I am not that naive.

I can totally understand your frustration. It sounds like he is ready to retire, and really doesn’t have much more to give in terms of his job.

Retiring means you carry the family, if your son goes to university you are facing into some very expensive years.

He should have planned better for his golden years - but you both should have. This should have come up long before now, especially as you have a child together.

But, do you love him? Do you want to be with him and continue to raise your child together? They are the key questions. The money socks, but it’s just money.

A cynical person would say he knew he was getting a pension cushion marrying someone 20 years younger.

They might also say OP saw an early retirement for herself by marrying someone older, who she presumed had a healthy pension. Alarms bells should have rang for both that neither owned a property though.

Also, there is nothing your husband can do now to resolve the situation.

He will go onto a very low income. He can’t realistically increase it. Apologising for this won’t change things.

Some men think differently. I have paid into my pension since age 25 and whilst not wonderful will have some semblance of retirement income

I was horrified when DH told me he “didn’t believe in pensions”. This would be ok if he had planned something else eg a buy to let but he hadn’t. Huge chunk of savings went to his first wife.

He is older than me so I have spent the last five years effectively trying to sort his retirement out!

So I guess you maybe should have discussed this before now but equally I can understand why you didnt

Is another option a part time job which pays enough to live off? My dad is 76 and does this

@Champagneforeveryone

Thank you for all your comments. To answer a few of the questions you have asked.. I am in my late 40's and have reasonable pension provision, though I will not be cruising the Caribbean for extended periods. We rent our house so downsizing and releasing equity not a possibility. We have been together 14 years. I was extremely naive in the beginning regarding finances and have only really got my act together over the past 3-4 years. I also (again naively) didn't think that I should be checking his retirement pot. For this the blame lies solely with me.

Many people live quite happily on the state pension, your DH is evidently quite happy to do that.

You have a salary and reasonable pension provision, so what exactly is your problem here? If your joint income doesn't cover where you live, you'll have to move.

Your DH is not your meal ticket, why on earth would you be checking his retirement pot? unless of course you are a gold digger.

You are being massively unreasonable.

They are renting sert
How on earth can they live on a state pension?

@Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow glad your DH has finally seen sense early enough to do anything about it. PP who doesn’t trust pension plans I do hope you have some alternative provision in place and you aren’t just burying your head in the sand?

OP I’m truly staggered you’ve never had a conversation about pensions before. Really I am. I can think of at least three colleagues plans for retirement after very brief and casual conversations with them Because something came up on the news/someone retired etc. None of us work in finance so I just presumed it was a normal topic of conversation . I’m not talking the ins and outs but just vague plans - two specifically mentioning their partners plans too.

Like pp, I'm also surprised this was never discussed when you decided to get married, especially considering the large age gap.

If he lived as a single person in a rented property with no private pensions or assets, he would get housing benefit and Pension Credit.

He won't get pension credit now because you are below pension age. Google it

Definitely seek legal advice so that you can make an informed choice about how to proceed

It's not that he's not worked enough, as I said previously he's worked all his life but not made provision for retirement (while wanting to retire) That will have ramifications for me which, while trying not to sound like a petulant toddler, are not fair.

Why are they not fair?

What I want is DH to acknowledge the problem, not to either shrug his shoulders or maintain that he will carry on working (while making our lives a misery into the process because he needs to carry on working) If he could come up with some solutions or suggestions for the future as well that would be great, but I am not that naive.

So if he agrees with you that he is at fault, you will be OK with the situation, but otherwise, you won't? I suspect that even if he does just that, says he has messed up and that his financial future is gloomy, you will continue to resent him. I can't see a simple agreement with you being enough to counter the anger coming through in your posts and the position you have taken that this is unfair on you.

You've been together fourteen years and admit it's only recently that you started to think about your DH's post employment income. Seeing as you are the one who really cares about this, surely your lack of timely concern is as much the fault as your DH's?

@MrsKeats

They are renting sert How on earth can they live on a state pension?

If their income is low enough they can claim HB.

I'd love to know who has earned what proportion of the family income over the past fourteen years.

Has it been 50/50? You seem to resent the fact that he could now be sitting at home while you are at work. Would you be ok with it if he had a pension or would you still think it's unfair?

Can't he claim his state pension now and drop to only two days a week at work? Maybe that wont be so difficult to manage.

@victorisnera

A cynical person would say he knew he was getting a pension cushion marrying someone 20 years younger.

They might also say OP saw an early retirement for herself by marrying someone older, who she presumed had a healthy pension. Alarms bells should have rang for both that neither owned a property though.

From what i read, the OP doesnt want to stop working, but she also doesn't want to have to work harder to live the life they are living together.

She wants him to have taken some responsibility for this - which is very reasonable.

If the sexes were reversed here I suspect we would see some radically different answers

OP you haven't acknowledged this link which was posted earlier in the thread:

www.pensionsadvisoryservice.org.uk/about-pensions/when-things-change/when-relationships-end/individual-agreement/divorce-help?_ga=2.39732643.1228172530.1596022430-1306752768.1596022430

You can make an appointment with this service to discuss your situation over the phone, that's what I did in a much more complicated pension splitting scenario. If you were to walk away now, and IF he decided to go after your pension, he could end up with half its current value. Your remaining half will continue to earn for your retirement. As his son is under 18, in theory he'd be expected to continue to pay towards his upkeep but you definitely need legal advice I reckon he could even end up retiring from his job and then claiming maintenance from you as well as a share of pension!

You have to get advice - even if you are going to live happily ever after.

I feel for you OP but at the same time I am absolutely flabbergasted at how in 14 years you have not had a single conversation about how the future of your lives would be funded (or even spent). Especially with a child in the mix and considering the 2 decades age gap. This is beyond naive.

mulberry my husband earns good money now so I’m making him stick a reasonable amount in a pension (enough to get the tax benefit) and we have also got a B2L. Trying to get another B2L for him. So a real mix. This has caused me nights of worry as when he was 50 he had no retirement income at all and, to be honest, still wouldn’t if I hadn’t done something about it.

If he keeps earning this way until 60 he will end up with a better pension than me which is ironic and highly indicative of how much being a part time woman/various mat leaves screws your pension !

Don’t suppose you can recommend anyone for pension advice? I’m trying to decide whether to transfer some of my old defined benefit out!

Hi @DishingOutDone, unfortunately if it goes to court the husband could end up with more than half the pension. It depends on the needs of both parties, the ability to earn which for the Op is greater and longer at her age and her ongoing income versus his state pension if he were to just retire, which at his age is a reasonable decision. My partner has very recent experience of this and the actuarial figures were very complicated, not just a 50/50 split.

@MrsKeats

They are renting sert How on earth can they live on a state pension?

I know people who do. They don't have children together, it's not up to him to provide for her.

he's just going to have to find himself a more suitable job - maybe one he can do from home?
Now that more people and businesses have become aware that a lot more 'location based' jobs can be done from home, he can have a 'career change'!

He's deliberately not spoke with you re finances and has just assumed that you will pick up the 'shortfall'.
You don't have to!

He has to start taking responsibility NOW and sorting out what he will do when he's 'retired' that will bring in some income.
If he refuses, then i'd be rethinking my future with him.