Page 8 | To leave DH over lack of pension

TheStuffedPenguin · 29/07/2020 13:16

@notapizzaeater

My mum and dad divorced, she was pension age he wasn't, his pension pot was split and she got the lions share and she had immediate access to her chunk. My dad is still working and adding to his pension.

Yes this is how it works .

dotoallasyouwouldbedoneby · 29/07/2020 13:16

@Hamm87

He can't claim his pension until you are at that age too

Not true. He can claim state retirement pension, when he reaches the state retirement age for someone born in the year he was born. www.gov.uk/state-pension-age

TheStuffedPenguin · 29/07/2020 13:17

We need to remember this thread the next time there is a "does age matter in a relationship matter?" thread ......

dotoallasyouwouldbedoneby · 29/07/2020 13:18

If he hasn't made enough contributions over the years, check whether he can get Pension Credit: www.gov.uk/pension-credit

SoloMummy · 29/07/2020 13:19

@Champagneforeveryone

So long story short, DH has been self employed for most of his life, and recently sprung it on me that he has zero pension provision aside from his state pension.

He's 68 now and still working 3 days a week, insists he will "work till he drops". However this will simply not be possible, for one thing his employer is unlikely to pay for him to renew his professional qualifications when they expire, and the work is physically fairly demanding.

He was furloughed during lockdown and loved every moment of it, lamenting about having to return a few weeks ago. Prior to returning to work he's always in a bad mood and complains endlessly about being tired afterwards. I know he's resentful as we live in a fairly well off area where all our older friends and neighbours are retired and living happy and financially comfortable lives.

Today he was telling me about how he has refused to do a job that he was asked, I don't know the ins and outs but by his telling it sounded like he spoke quite rudely to the secretary. He then said that it would be better if they sent him home. This is not the first time it has happened.

It's suddenly occurred to me that if he was sacked then he would have no choice but to "retire", much against my wishes.

With his state pension and my wages we could get by, but it would be a much diminished life and I am resentful that I will be picking up the slack. I think I would feel happier with where we are if he acknowledged it was in any way his fault or attempted to come up with ways to make the situation easier. Predictably he doesn't.

I'm not a gold digger and I don't have extravagant tastes, but I feel increasingly resentful that I will be working harder for a worse quality of life, while DH's poor choices will have little effect on him. I have in the past considered leaving and now wonder whether IABU?

And what about all these years he has worked and paid for everything you currently have, presumably with minimal financial contributions from you?

If you'd been so concerned then you should have been paying or encouraging him to pay into something.
If such a low pension then he maybe eligible for pension credit as well.
How old are you?.
How long married?
Why not just downsize or relocate to cheaper area?

And you do sound like a gold digger.

Original poster

Champagneforeveryone · 29/07/2020 13:20

Well the thread moved on a bit while I was out!

I see a range of responses here, some kinder than others

Firstly it is untrue that DH has been payrolling our lavish lifestyle (hah!) solely. This has been jointly done and hardly lavish.

PP's also talk about "my" son, whereas he is in fact "our" son. Also made me chuckle to see myself described as a young single mother looking for someone to raise her child - I'd never pictured myself like that funnily enough.

I think the big issue for me is if, for example we want to go out for a meal and cannot afford to we will both miss out. I however will miss out from the vantage point of having worked full time shifts in a stressful job, DH will miss out because he didn't put away money in a pension. I don't think it's hard to see why I would be unhappy with this?

OP posts:

IceCreamSummer20 · 29/07/2020 13:20

That is the trouble with older men who have not been responsible!

I guess it’s up to you OP. But married your pension may be given partly to him when divorced. Does he bring you joy? Do you love him?

FlamedToACrisp · 29/07/2020 13:21

Is there a hope that either of you might inherit some money to top up the pot? Would you be able to take in a lodger?

SoloMummy · 29/07/2020 13:21

@Champagneforeveryone

you should not be seeing your dh as your meal ticket The problem is I feel that's how I'm viewed, as the one who will continue to provide while he sits at home. I could reconcile myself to the situation if he acknowledged what he has done (or not done) and took some ownership of it, but he will not.

But that's always going to be part of the situation with a 20 years age gap. Be it meal ticket for money or meal ticket for free nursing.

PollyPelargonium52 · 29/07/2020 13:21

The state pension number is 0800 731 7898 and all he needs to tell them is his national insurance number and give bank account details and they will sort it. A friend did it over the phone and it was v easy (I helped them by sitting in the room while he rang them up). I am often amazed how little people know about their state pension!

justasking111 · 29/07/2020 13:21

Well you got together with a 54 year old which was fine, now he is 68 and you are in your late 40s so were in your 30s when you hooked up. He deserves to retire, you are now the breadwinner, so you have to decide to stay and support him financially or move on.

Eddielzzard · 29/07/2020 13:22

He has provided for his retirement - YOU.

I would get legal advice and then have a really hard think about what you want for the rest of your life. Are you happy to support him from now on, and potentially be his carer?

Yes, you were naive, but you're not anymore. Decision time.

TheStuffedPenguin · 29/07/2020 13:23

@Champagneforeveryone

Well the thread moved on a bit while I was out!

I see a range of responses here, some kinder than others

Firstly it is untrue that DH has been payrolling our lavish lifestyle (hah!) solely. This has been jointly done and hardly lavish.

PP's also talk about "my" son, whereas he is in fact "our" son. Also made me chuckle to see myself described as a young single mother looking for someone to raise her child - I'd never pictured myself like that funnily enough.

I think the big issue for me is if, for example we want to go out for a meal and cannot afford to we will both miss out. I however will miss out from the vantage point of having worked full time shifts in a stressful job, DH will miss out because he didn't put away money in a pension. I don't think it's hard to see why I would be unhappy with this?

You will miss out even more when you are the sole payer of utilities ( it doesn't matter how many people are sitting under a light bulb ) and your rent and you lose a chunk of your pension . I'm not saying don't leave but your posts show lack of knowledge about what divorce would do to you .

SoloMummy · 29/07/2020 13:23

@Champagneforeveryone

Well the thread moved on a bit while I was out!

I see a range of responses here, some kinder than others

Firstly it is untrue that DH has been payrolling our lavish lifestyle (hah!) solely. This has been jointly done and hardly lavish.

PP's also talk about "my" son, whereas he is in fact "our" son. Also made me chuckle to see myself described as a young single mother looking for someone to raise her child - I'd never pictured myself like that funnily enough.

I think the big issue for me is if, for example we want to go out for a meal and cannot afford to we will both miss out. I however will miss out from the vantage point of having worked full time shifts in a stressful job, DH will miss out because he didn't put away money in a pension. I don't think it's hard to see why I would be unhappy with this?

You're supposed to be a team, partnership.

All this blame is unhealthy.

He took on your child. No doubt has paid towards their upbringing.

SoloMummy · 29/07/2020 13:24

It almost comes across as you've bled him dry. Realised there won't be anymore and so throw him out!

Tappering · 29/07/2020 13:24

What @FizzyGreenWater said.

If your relationship is rocky anyway, then I would bite the bullet now and file for divorce. Yes you will almost certainly have to give him a % of your existing pension pot, but you have another 20-odd years of work in front of you so an opportunity to save more. And by getting divorced he would not be entitled to any of your future (as yet unsaved) pension funds, assuming that you have a clean financial break (which you definitely should).

However if you stay married to him, he will be receiving your pension pot anyway, because by sitting at home he will be completely dependent on your earnings for the rest of his life - which will include the as-yet-unsaved pension funds that you still want to put away.

If you don't want to stay in the relationship then file for divorce now, because whatever you end up sharing out of your pension pot for the financial settlement, will almost certainly be cheaper than having to support him for the rest of his life.

nitsandwormsdodger · 29/07/2020 13:25

If he is a builder or similar can you buy a do it up flat and do it up and have that as an investment/ pension
This should have been done decades ago but better late than never ?
Marriage guidance as well as financial advice is urgently needed

ButterMeCrumpets · 29/07/2020 13:25

It sounds like you both need to get a grip on finances.

He has never planned for retirement in terms of additional pension provision.

You don't understand that marriage is a financial contract and your pension and any other assets will be thrown into the pot on divorce.

And both of you should have understood each other's financial position. DH and I plan for retirement and we know each other pensions, investments and savings. We also discuss plans such as anticipated retirement age etc.

ExpectTheWorst · 29/07/2020 13:26

I think some people aren’t reading the op’s posts: there is no property, no savings, no assets. They live in a rented house.

jessstan2 · 29/07/2020 13:26

Once again, how much do you love your husband?

At your age, op, if you earn reasonably well and your employment is stable you could invest in buying a small property, maybe a flat, to let, which will give you a guaranteed income and go up in value. Plenty of people do that.

jessstan2 · 29/07/2020 13:27

@nitsandwormsdodger

If he is a builder or similar can you buy a do it up flat and do it up and have that as an investment/ pension This should have been done decades ago but better late than never ? Marriage guidance as well as financial advice is urgently needed

That.

2020wasShocking · 29/07/2020 13:27

Well I assume what will happen is he will get top ups from the government, although they’ll take in to account your finances too.

I agree you won’t have enough to be cruising around the world and living your best life but I’m sure you won’t be destitute.

I think the fact he’s worked most of his life is a testament that he works hard. It’s just he hasn’t set up provisions for his elderly life, which was obviously foolish.

lockdownalli · 29/07/2020 13:27

Thanks @vangoghsdogthat is interesting.

@goosefoot I would have thought the advice would be exactly the same if sexes were reversed - it makes no difference.

I don't think anyone, male or female, should stay in an unhappy relationship or marriage. OP and her DH appear to have made some piss poor financial decisions but will have to deal with that now.

If they are going to split up, they will each have to fund their own homes, and their son will have to decide where he wants to live. As PP have said, this may mean that either parents also has to pay child support for DS until he completes full time education.

An old colleague of mine went through a similar divorce and her DH was so head in the sand about money, he refused to even hire his own solicitor, so you can imagine how that panned out for him

Many people split but do not divorce......lots of options here but life is too short to spend it unhappily and possibly both parties here would be better off alone.

Iwalkinmyclothing · 29/07/2020 13:28

I however will miss out from the vantage point of having worked full time shifts in a stressful job, DH will miss out because he didn't put away money in a pension.

Do you feel your DH has not worked enough? That you have worked harder and experienced more stress?

What do you actually want? What do you think your DH should do? What do you believe would be fair and right?

MrsNoah2020 · 29/07/2020 13:30

Unfortunately, you are going to end up financing him either way: through your salary if you stay together, through your pension if you don't. But it still may be to your advantage to divorce him now, so that any future assets you acquire do not become part of a communal pot. You have 20 years to earn more pension.

The nightmare scenario for you from a financial point of view is that your DH has to retire soon because of ill-health, but then lives for another 30 years, with you supporting him. You then end up with a diminished old age because you haven't been able to save.

Speak to a financial advisor and a solicitor ASAP.