To leave DH over lack of pension

[Champagneforeveryone]

So long story short, DH has been self employed for most of his life, and recently sprung it on me that he has zero pension provision aside from his state pension.

He's 68 now and still working 3 days a week, insists he will "work till he drops". However this will simply not be possible, for one thing his employer is unlikely to pay for him to renew his professional qualifications when they expire, and the work is physically fairly demanding.

He was furloughed during lockdown and loved every moment of it, lamenting about having to return a few weeks ago. Prior to returning to work he's always in a bad mood and complains endlessly about being tired afterwards. I know he's resentful as we live in a fairly well off area where all our older friends and neighbours are retired and living happy and financially comfortable lives.

Today he was telling me about how he has refused to do a job that he was asked, I don't know the ins and outs but by his telling it sounded like he spoke quite rudely to the secretary. He then said that it would be better if they sent him home. This is not the first time it has happened.

It's suddenly occurred to me that if he was sacked then he would have no choice but to "retire", much against my wishes.

With his state pension and my wages we could get by, but it would be a much diminished life and I am resentful that I will be picking up the slack. I think I would feel happier with where we are if he acknowledged it was in any way his fault or attempted to come up with ways to make the situation easier. Predictably he doesn't.

I'm not a gold digger and I don't have extravagant tastes, but I feel increasingly resentful that I will be working harder for a worse quality of life, while DH's poor choices will have little effect on him. I have in the past considered leaving and now wonder whether IABU?

Quite honestly I get your problem OP.
I had a totally irresponsible husband as well for 20 years, no savings, no pension, always in debt, soooo blasé about being in work. Didn't care if I was exhausted from over work to cover his lack of work.
After 20 years I found it utterly exhausting and worried that he was going to drag me down with him.
We got divorced for a number of reasons but this was one of my big issues and it is such a relief to be shot of all that. Now I can concentrate of getting my own finances back up on track.
He didn't go for half of my pension in the divorce, typical him he just said what do I need a pension for?
I have a 30 year NHS pension so I won't starve.
They drag you down bit by bit with this behaviour.

@JinglingHellsBells

He can't claim his pension until you are at that age too

@Hamm87 Anyone can claim their pension when they reach pension age. How could this man possibly wait until his wife was 67? he'll most likely be dead then.

He will be given it as a pension credit and it will have to be invested to provide him with income .

@Bufferingkisses I think you are confused.

My DH will get his state pension in a few months. He's had all the paperwork.

I am s/e and still working and submitting self assessment returns.

I think you need to see a solicitor pronto before your quality of life is dragged down by his poor decisions.

@TheStuffedPenguin No that is incorrect. DH gets his state pension soon and I am still employed. He's had all the paperwork.

We are both currently receiving occupational pensions and have a financial advisor, so we know what is due in terms of pensions.

The only ASSET in your relationship is YOUR PENSION !!!

Neither of you have houses or savings ?!? When you get divorced he will likely get half your pension pot . ....

He's an elderly man with literally nowhere to live shortly while your younger than me !

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@TheStuffedPenguin No that is incorrect. DH gets his state pension soon and I am still employed. He's had all the paperwork.

We are both currently receiving occupational pensions and have a financial advisor, so we know what is due in terms of pensions.[/quote]
but you are married ?

Hi Op, there are two issues here really. If you were to divorce now he would be entitled to a share of your pension . It's probably the most valuable asset in your long marriage and a court would try to leave you in an equal position income wise and of course your husband would be able to access his share immediately. At your age you would be able to build up your pension again which would be taken into account. An actuary would be able to crunch the numbers.

The other issue is the difference in age between you. It's inevitable one of you would be working a long time past the other's retirement which can create huge resentment particularly if one hasn't made adequate financial plans whilst the other one has to continue to work.

The decision is really about your ability to reconcile your feelings with the situation. Do you want to carry on with the status quo or do something about it?

Having met others with a similar age gap I know they have gone through a phase of adjustment where the older partner wants to slow down and the younger partner wants things to stay as it is. So I think its pretty normal.

I Wonder if you could get some sound financial advice together or maybe see a good marriage counsellor.

He does sound like he’s been naive to assume he would just keep working at the same pace forever, and I would be surprised and hurt too as I would see it as a lack of honesty even if he does not see it that way.

Are you sure he just expects you to contribute more than him, or does he have another plan? If he’s always been self employed he must know a thing or two about problem solving and managing finances. Well thats what I would have expected anyway so I can see why you just assumed he had it under control.

Neither of you have houses or savings ?!?

She hasn't said that actually.

He's an elderly man with literally nowhere to live shortly while your younger than me !

Your age is irrelevant. She's also younger than me. So what?
He does have somewhere to live, he can continue to live in the house he currently lives in. The op can move out, can't she?

So he is 20 years older than you self employed but working for an employer, and you've waited until he was 68 before sorting this out?
Wow, it's not the retirement that's the problem here, have you two ever communicated?
neither me nor dh have pensions, as also self employed. Seen too many people lose the lot in private pensions, and many end up with half of hat they expected, or company going bust.

If he's employed now why hasn't he been enrolled into a pension?

@JinglingHellsBells

He won't necessarily have a claim on her occupational pension. It's not as cut and dried as that.

The value of her pension will be taken into account at the time of the divorce. The value could be offset by her getting a bigger sum of any other assets like savings OR if they owned a house by a bigger lump sum from the equity.

Read the thread - there is no property .

If they divorce, if the DS is still in full time education, the DH will have to pay child support.......

My mum and dad divorced, she was pension age he wasn't, his pension pot was split and she got the lions share and she had immediate access to her chunk. My dad is still working and adding to his pension.

OP,
I think the replies are very harsh.

I think you need to get advice asap.

His decision to never take out a pension and subsequently go part time is extraordinary.

At 68, he is indeed at an age that slowing down is desirable.

The only provision he was made it appears is marrying a working woman, 20 years his junior.

If he has any reasonable level of intelligence, it appears wilfully self sabotaging to NOT take out a pension.

I think you need to protect your son and yourself first.

As you rent, do you have any assets or did you just split costs.

If you have split costs over the past 14 years, then you have some very tough decisions ahead.

I can understand your upset.

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@TheStuffedPenguin No that is incorrect. DH gets his state pension soon and I am still employed. He's had all the paperwork.

We are both currently receiving occupational pensions and have a financial advisor, so we know what is due in terms of pensions.[/quote]
That is correct as we are not talking about a married couple here.

We are talking about what happens when people divorce ! I know for a fact that that is what happens as I got 50 % of my husband's pension as a "pension credit" and it is now invested .

How can he pay for the house if she moves out

Your Husband may be happier without you !

insists he will "work till he drops".

This head-in-the-sand approach would be my concern - ignoring a problem rather than acknowledging it. Obviously not everyone can work till they drop (or be employable until they drop), so even if you hope to work until the day you die (!) you need to acknowledge it may prove impossible and talk about what the backup plan is. Even if the backup plan is unappetising - surviving off your earnings for example - it would be better if he could be honest about it so you can discuss it properly and think if there are any better options.

I get very frustrated by people putting their heads in the sand about ageing. Often their denial ends up putting more pressure on other people to solve the entirely predictable problems that crop up.

Your pension pot would be taken into account and yes, when you retire it is possible that a portion of that would be payable to him. However, given the considerable age gap he may be dead by then.

Well, luckily for him, that's not how it works at all. He would get a chunk of her pension pot to move to a pension in his own name on divorce and as he is past the age where he can draw a pension, he could draw from it immediately. The op cannot as she is still too young.
This has just happened to my sister, she is older than her ex husband and she has got lump sums from three pensions of his moved into her name and she can draw on them whenever she wants to. He can't yet as he is under 55.

@LaurieFairyCake

How can he pay for the house if she moves out

Course he can, he will get housing benefit and help towards bills from the BA.

None of us know this man. He obviously has made some unwise decisions in life but they may have had a really good life together. Surely that counts for something? They aren't going to be destitute.

(I get there is no property to be sold btw)

@LaurieFairyCake

How can he pay for the house if she moves out

With his salary, pension and whatever benefits he may be entitled to.

We don't know their full financial circumstances, it's a bit odd to assume he won't be able to afford the rent on his own.

Where he lives is a totally irrelevant issue to the question anyway, that's his problem.

While the OP may have been naive in assuming her husband has plans for a pension or retirement income, it's also the case that he may have assumed that she understood his position, having been self-employed for so long. When people don't talk about this stuff, that's what tends to happen.

Not paying in currently was unwise but then, people used to get different advice about pensions and he may not have thought it was worth it for so short a time. It doesn't sound like either party in the marriage was looking for financial advice.

It also can't have been a surprise to the OP that with a significantly older husband she would likely be the main support and carer and maybe even breadwinner at some point. Why would her husband think she wasn't ok with that? Yes, at some point she was likely to need to work harder and the money coming in wouldn't be as good. That is a common pattern for people who retire.

I wonder a bit what the responses would be if the sexes in this scenario were reversed.

Sorry didn't read the 3 days a week. He can claim his state pension and still work. Can he reduce to two days instead at all? He needs to ring or apply online for his state pension but he has to proact as it doesn't just automatically start.