To leave DH over lack of pension

[Champagneforeveryone]

So long story short, DH has been self employed for most of his life, and recently sprung it on me that he has zero pension provision aside from his state pension.

He's 68 now and still working 3 days a week, insists he will "work till he drops". However this will simply not be possible, for one thing his employer is unlikely to pay for him to renew his professional qualifications when they expire, and the work is physically fairly demanding.

He was furloughed during lockdown and loved every moment of it, lamenting about having to return a few weeks ago. Prior to returning to work he's always in a bad mood and complains endlessly about being tired afterwards. I know he's resentful as we live in a fairly well off area where all our older friends and neighbours are retired and living happy and financially comfortable lives.

Today he was telling me about how he has refused to do a job that he was asked, I don't know the ins and outs but by his telling it sounded like he spoke quite rudely to the secretary. He then said that it would be better if they sent him home. This is not the first time it has happened.

It's suddenly occurred to me that if he was sacked then he would have no choice but to "retire", much against my wishes.

With his state pension and my wages we could get by, but it would be a much diminished life and I am resentful that I will be picking up the slack. I think I would feel happier with where we are if he acknowledged it was in any way his fault or attempted to come up with ways to make the situation easier. Predictably he doesn't.

I'm not a gold digger and I don't have extravagant tastes, but I feel increasingly resentful that I will be working harder for a worse quality of life, while DH's poor choices will have little effect on him. I have in the past considered leaving and now wonder whether IABU?

@damnthatanxiety

Out of interest, what happens to people who don't qualify for a state pension and have no savings? What do they live on? Genuine question.

Everyone gets some pension. But then they would get pension credit on top.

The problem is I feel that's how I'm viewed, as the one who will continue to provide while he sits at home.

But he's a lot older than you and has worked many more years than you have. I really don't understand your comment - do you expect him to continue to work forever?

My advice would be to LTB. Poverty in old age is not fun.

Do you love him? Do you enjoy his company? Do you want to share your life with him?

he obviously has a job now as an employee. Is he putting as much as possible into a pension there?

I'm not a financial advisor, but just thinking of ideas.

@PercyKirke

My advice would be to LTB. Poverty in old age is not fun.

Why do you think they will have 'poverty in old age'? The op is not anywhere near old and earning. Her husband is past retiring age but still working and may do so part time for a few more years, if he keeps well. He'll have his state pension. By the time the op retires he may no longer be around anyway.

They have time to make some good investments - to buy a flat to let would be a good one, it would provide income and rise in value.

You don't leave a spouse just because their income drops, surely? Their on may have something to say about that! You marry for richer or poorer; I know my husband and I would have been prepared to support each other financially and make the best of it, whatever the circumstances.

However this thread is a lesson to everyone to make sure you provide for your old age so situations like this (which is not too bad really) do not arise.

Their 'son' may have something to say, not 'on'.

I'm at odds with your post OP. I'm a tad older than you, my Hubby also in his 60's and I can see he needs to retire from his work...

Neither of us have much superannuation for several reasons, one being we both met later in life and as I wasn't expecting a virgin, he had gone through a messy separation which left him with little assets, so had to rebuild his life again.

I, on the other hand, had more assets but little superannuation, even less after having our child.

So I see this as our decision together as to how we make it work and sat down with the pension data to see how far it would stretch compared to our outgoings such as mortgage.

From that, we have come up with some income-generating alternatives that are achievable without being hugely physically demanding on Hubby as his current work is. It's not a perfect alternative, and there is a Plan C.

So my advice would be to make an appointment with an independent financial advisor, perhaps your local budgeting service would be able to recommend someone as well? Whoever you see, there may be alternatives neither of you are considering which would be financially beneficial to you both.

I guess if money is more important than your husband go for it. However if you love him I am surprised it even crossed your mind to be honest.

Why are so many posters acting as if this man has bankrolled the OP for the past 14 years?? At no point has she said that this was ever the case

Clearly, the lifestyle the op now leads is one she’s happy with and one she’s concerned about losing when he retires. So clearly he’s been contributing to that lifestyle, if it’s going to change following a drop in his income.

What expat101 said.

Not sure why you are getting so much grief @Champagneforeveryone. You don’t sound like a gold digger at all. It doesn’t sound like you’ve used all his money up as suggested you’ve stated you had a joint effort up to this point with your finances BOTH funding your current lifestyle.

He is obviously a good man and adopted your son. Which means to whatever poster previously said he isn’t responsible for your son it means he is actually responsible for him legally. You are still providing for that child!

I understand your frustration that he is blasé towards it all and now he is probably realising how hard it is to be working at his age it’s all a little too late. Married or not he has a responsibility to sort this out although these discussions as you have realised are a bit late in the day!

He needs to at least provide you with the pension info from the state pension, sit down together and work out how things look. He deserves a retirement but he can’t just up and do it, he should have a plan of action and at least wake up and be pro active. Have you explained how low on money you will be or is it all head in the sand.

I can see there have been many responses to this thread, and I'm sure plenty are far from complimentary without knowing OP's true circumstances. As ever on YABU there's the usual shrieks of "LTB", for whom that seems the standard response. One wonders what goes on in their own lives?

Anyway, I digress. I hope OP is still returning to this thread to read the responses. I am a divorce lawyer.

On divorce OP should expect to have to give half her pension pot to her husband. Unless there are some unusual factors to this case then in my experience such a division is nailed on.

It was always inevitable that with a 20yr + age gap that husband would retire long before OP. She should be careful what she wishes for. That financial independence will come at a cost.

It's not that he's not worked enough, as I said previously he's worked all his life but not made provision for retirement (while wanting to retire)

He did though. The issue is YOU are his provision and its only now dawned on you.

Is it possible that he’s being awkward at work so that he is asked to leave ?
Could this change in his personality be the start of dementia - are there any other signs ?
With you being so young is it worth thinking about buying a house to give you security when you reach retirement age ?
I guess in your situation I would put the same into the shared pot as he does, and keep the rest in my own account for myself.

Thanks time and mulberry - it was indeed me. That’s my issue - I’m too cautious about it but I’m not sure that the defined benefit will go to my kids if I die the same way and as my husband is older, I don’t want to waste it! That’s the only reason for my considering it. Trying to find an IFA I trust is impossible...!

OP-the other thing about your husband is his expectations. Maybe he has no intention of relying on you at all? A lot of men have a lot of pride this way. He might be considering still working a few days a week to
Top up his state pension?

sammylady37 Viviennemary IceCreamAndCandyfloss nicky7654 alldoityourselfnow missing the point entirely. BECAUSE he has made zero provision for HIS retirement, the OP will have to fund him as well as her therefore she has not got the ability now to save for HER retirement (by which time, he will likely be long gone). So the OP will now look forward to scrimping through her dotage because whilst she is financing him through old age, he will not be around to do the same for her. He spent his money all his life and now wants to live off hers. They have only been together for 14 years....She never lived off his money as neither had much and BOTH have worked the entire 14 years they have been together. Nothing in the OP suggests she benefitting financially from him in the past 14 years but now she is expected to support him for the next 20-30 years???? And as a result will have a poorer retirement herself after he is long gone as she has had to support him rather than save for her own old age?? GET IT???? The OP doesn't want to give up work or live in luxury, she is just pissed off that her DH made no provision for his old age and so it turns out his provision is her. For the next 20-30 years. So she will be worse off when it is her turn to retire. SoloMummy you need to re-read the OPs posts. SHe has worked throughout their 14 years together. He has not bankrolled her. You have assumed she lived off him. She didn't. She has always worked. Now reel your neck in.

Nothing in the OP suggests she benefitting financially from him in the past 14 years

Jesus, talk about missing the point! If she (and her son) hadn’t benefitted from him in the last 14 years, there would be no issue with him retiring. They’d continue to have separate finances as you seem to imagine they now do, and he’d live frugally within his means, and she’d continue to live on her salary and work til retirement age.

They have only been together for 14 years

This ‘only 14 years’ narrative is hilarious. If it was a woman who had been with a man for 14 years and he now wanted out because she didn’t have a pension, there’d be a chorus of “you’ve devoted 14 years of your life to him” and “how awful to do that to you after 14 years” etc

So your son must be 14 or under, which means if you split you or DH will be the main carer for the son. This will impact finances too

Change the sexes and it would be a very different answer. He must be earning the lions share or else him living off his state pension would nt make much difference financially. You're married and you both will have to cut your cloth accordingly. He's retirement age and he deserves his retirement. He can however do more at hone to ease that side of things with you working full time. If you no longer love him then divories but as others have said you will lose some of your pension that way, nay be more than you think because you have more years to make it up.

sammylady37 She is his retirement plan. She is his pension. Because he will now live off her for the next 20-30 years, she will be poorer when her turn comes to retire. They both have worked so they have probably equally contributed to their (humble) lifestyle until now but now for the rest of HIS life, she will support him. If she wasn't around, he would not be able to rent where they currently live. He would have to probably go into a state funded home as he only has his state pension. His pension will not cover his half of their bills. The son will probably move out in 2-3 years and it will be just them. Her paying for 90% of everything for the next 20-30 years and then having poverty to look forward to when she retires and he is gone because all her earnings when to supporting him and not into her own retirement fund. Who gets to 68 with no plan other than to live off their partner? Their union is too short for her to fund hin for the next 2-3 decades. GET IT?

Porridgeoat son is 16

Her paying for 90% of everything for the next 20-30 years and then having poverty to look forward to when she retires and he is gone because all her earnings when to supporting him and not into her own retirement fund

If her DH has a full state pension, by your logic OP would be earning £90k a year or so to be paying for 90% of everything

You’ve not addressed my point above that OP says she already has a reasonable pension built up

You are entertaining though

Regardless of all the ins and out and legalities of pensions, surely @Champagneforeveryone the question is 'Do you love this man and want to stay with him'?

Your marriage vows say 'for better or worse/ richer or poorer'.
Do they mean anything to you?

The situation you are in is at least 50% your responsibility.

What you seem to be saying is that if he no longer works, (3 days a week) and brings in some income, you want to divorce.

So how long is he going to work for?

You can't draw your pension till you are 65 I assume, (work pension though could be 60 in public organisation), so that means he would be at least 10 years from now.

Are you suggesting he works till he is 78?

I find your thought process (or not thinking!) incredible.

Surely you knew that a much older H would retire long before you.?
Surely you did some maths and realised you could exist but would not be rich?

The answer is not to leave him but to up your own game- change jobs, get promotion - you are a young woman still- and make up the difference in income you feel you need.

@damnthatanxiety Would you say the same about a woman who had given a lot of years to caring for the children as H travelled the world sometimes 7 days a week.

I have a small occupational pension, although I have worked for over 40 years, but mainly part time as H earned more and I did the child care. I was a professional.

I am now 'fortunate' to benefit from DH's very good final salary pension.

Do I see him as my pension pot? Yes, if you want to see it like that. But we are a team - we divided up the roles of earning and caring.That's how a marriage should be.