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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DH over lack of pension

417 replies

Champagneforeveryone · 29/07/2020 11:12

So long story short, DH has been self employed for most of his life, and recently sprung it on me that he has zero pension provision aside from his state pension.

He's 68 now and still working 3 days a week, insists he will "work till he drops". However this will simply not be possible, for one thing his employer is unlikely to pay for him to renew his professional qualifications when they expire, and the work is physically fairly demanding.

He was furloughed during lockdown and loved every moment of it, lamenting about having to return a few weeks ago. Prior to returning to work he's always in a bad mood and complains endlessly about being tired afterwards. I know he's resentful as we live in a fairly well off area where all our older friends and neighbours are retired and living happy and financially comfortable lives.

Today he was telling me about how he has refused to do a job that he was asked, I don't know the ins and outs but by his telling it sounded like he spoke quite rudely to the secretary. He then said that it would be better if they sent him home. This is not the first time it has happened.

It's suddenly occurred to me that if he was sacked then he would have no choice but to "retire", much against my wishes.

With his state pension and my wages we could get by, but it would be a much diminished life and I am resentful that I will be picking up the slack. I think I would feel happier with where we are if he acknowledged it was in any way his fault or attempted to come up with ways to make the situation easier. Predictably he doesn't.

I'm not a gold digger and I don't have extravagant tastes, but I feel increasingly resentful that I will be working harder for a worse quality of life, while DH's poor choices will have little effect on him. I have in the past considered leaving and now wonder whether IABU?

OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 29/07/2020 17:37

I am really intrigued by posters saying that someone who reaches state pension age cannot draw that pension is their spouse is working.

Can you link to this?
It's certainly not the case in my marriage.

Divorced spouse!

JinglingHellsBells · 29/07/2020 17:40

I don't understand your comment @VanGoghsDog !

I think a lot of posters are very confused about something, but there is nothing to say that the spouse reaching pension age first cannot take their pension is a spouse is still earning.

@Champagneforeveryone This is a very simple but detailed guide to pensions by Age UK and covers all the eventualities such as divorce and so forth,

www.ageuk.org.uk/globalassets/age-uk/documents/factsheets/fs19_state_pension_fcs.pdf

JinglingHellsBells · 29/07/2020 17:43

Also- your DH would have been contacted by letter, 3 to 4 months before his state pension was due to start. Once he received this he would need to contact them to set it up.

I assume he has not done this OR he does receive a pension and he's making you think he doesn't!

He can still work if he earns money but he would be taxed on the combined income of pension and employment.

nicky7654 · 29/07/2020 17:53

Poor man should be retired at 68! His state pension is his 'wage' when he finally retires as he has worked very hard over the years. Give him a break at 68 he should be able to actually enjoy his life!

VanGoghsDog · 29/07/2020 18:06

[quote JinglingHellsBells]I don't understand your comment @VanGoghsDog !

I think a lot of posters are very confused about something, but there is nothing to say that the spouse reaching pension age first cannot take their pension is a spouse is still earning.

@Champagneforeveryone This is a very simple but detailed guide to pensions by Age UK and covers all the eventualities such as divorce and so forth,

www.ageuk.org.uk/globalassets/age-uk/documents/factsheets/fs19_state_pension_fcs.pdf[/quote]
Well, I'm not aware of the rule, but the people on this thread who have mentioned it have been very clear that this applies to divorced couples, not married couples. You are married, therefore it doesn't apply to you which could well be why you've not come across it.

I'm neither married nor divorced so it can't ever affect me.

I'm only taking from the posts on here though. You seem to think they are referring to married couples, but they seem to be referring to divorced couples.

abstractprojection · 29/07/2020 18:06

OP you are only in you’re late 40s!

Do you really want to be working to support the man, who has created this situation, in diminished circumstance not of your choosing for the next 20+ years plus carer etc. And all to be left an impoverished widow when you are in you’re 60s!

I say this as I assume supporting him will deny you the possibility of making adequate (above stat min) contributions to your own pension, and will not leave much left over for the perks of working.

VanGoghsDog · 29/07/2020 18:09

Also- your DH would have been contacted by letter, 3 to 4 months before his state pension was due to start. Once he received this he would need to contact them to set it up.

He doesn't have to take it though, he can defer it and it will increase. This is not unusual, lots of people do this.

My mum did it because my dad had a good pension for both of them, and she may as well have waited and let it increase because the increase was more than she could have got by saving the money they didn't need.
I think you can defer to age 75.

damnthatanxiety · 29/07/2020 18:15

@nicky7654

Poor man should be retired at 68! His state pension is his 'wage' when he finally retires as he has worked very hard over the years. Give him a break at 68 he should be able to actually enjoy his life!
Yes,he can retire now and live off his pension BUT that would mean using that pension to contribute a fair share to the household expenses and that would probably leave him with next to zero spending money. I suspect he will expect the OP to fund the fun stuff his pension doesn't stretch to. Most people would, after 50 years of working, have some savings. This man appears to have none at all
damnthatanxiety · 29/07/2020 18:17

Out of interest, what happens to people who don't qualify for a state pension and have no savings? What do they live on? Genuine question.

BonfireStarter · 29/07/2020 18:17

It isn't too late for him to start a workplace pension now. He has been pretty irresponsible, everyone should try to have a pension, even a very small contribution will help.

TellingBone · 29/07/2020 18:27

@BonfireStarter

It isn't too late for him to start a workplace pension now. He has been pretty irresponsible, everyone should try to have a pension, even a very small contribution will help.
Are you having a laugh? He's 68.
TellingBone · 29/07/2020 18:28

@damnthatanxiety

Out of interest, what happens to people who don't qualify for a state pension and have no savings? What do they live on? Genuine question.
Pension credit if they have no or few savings.
BubblyBarbara · 29/07/2020 18:32

Why are we focusing on money? Surely you should only be in the relationship if you like and love him! You have twenty years of work ahead of you anyway, it’s not like you can retire together. He’ll be past life expectancy by the time you retire.

doityourselfnow · 29/07/2020 18:54

The problem is I feel that's how I'm viewed, as the one who will continue to provide while he sits at home.

But he's 68! You're in your 49s, why should you give up work 20 odds years before he has?

doityourselfnow · 29/07/2020 18:56

You can sit around when you're 68 OP! Simple! Enjoy the rest of your working life.

JinglingHellsBells · 29/07/2020 19:01

@VanGoghsDog I didn't see any reference to divorced couples but if that is what was meant, fair enough. It doesn't make sense though really, because if they divorced, she would be earning but he would still be eligible for his own state pension .

Perhaps what posters meant was that if someone divorces and is entitled to part of a state pension as part of the settlement, they have to wait till they are of pensionable age too.

On the other hand, here, the OP may find she has to provide maintenance for her ex-H as she is the higher earner, we assume.

JinglingHellsBells · 29/07/2020 19:03

Also @VanGoghsDog the benefit of deferring taking a pension aren't so good now. We could easily afford to defer both our state pensions but haven't been advised to do so, as investments in some schemes outweigh the increase of deferring.

Camphillgirl · 29/07/2020 19:14

Why don’t you move to a rented house in a less affluent area. You can save a bit on the rent which will make up the shortfall from his not working.

Ellisandra · 29/07/2020 19:14

@BonfireStarter do you know how old he is? Confused

BonfireStarter · 29/07/2020 19:46

@Ellisandra I know he is 68. I work with people still working in their 70s though, they didnt make NI contributions when younger and didnt put money into a pension. Its sad, but i also find it odd when people claim 'ive worked hard all my life blah blah'. Not everyone did...

Tappering · 29/07/2020 20:01

The problem is I feel that's how I'm viewed, as the one who will continue to provide while he sits at home

I don't think the issue is that she wants to stop work. The issue is that he has no suggestions or interest in how they can afford to live a reasonable lifestyle, and the majority of the financial responsibility will rest with her because he will only have a state pension. Even then, it's not clear whether he's got his full stamp paid for the years required.

TheStuffedPenguin · 29/07/2020 20:10

[quote JinglingHellsBells]I don't understand your comment @VanGoghsDog !

I think a lot of posters are very confused about something, but there is nothing to say that the spouse reaching pension age first cannot take their pension is a spouse is still earning.

@Champagneforeveryone This is a very simple but detailed guide to pensions by Age UK and covers all the eventualities such as divorce and so forth,

www.ageuk.org.uk/globalassets/age-uk/documents/factsheets/fs19_state_pension_fcs.pdf[/quote]
Looking back at this I think there is some confusion regarding the state pension which of course he gets when he reaches the correct age and the OP's pension which will be shared with him if they divorce.

Timesdone · 29/07/2020 20:30

^^If you’re not eligible for a basic State Pension or you’re not getting the full amount, you might qualify for a ‘top up’ to £80.45 per week through your spouse’s or civil partner’s National Insurance contributions.

You can get the ‘top up’ if both of you have reached State Pension age ^^

Above is extract from gov pension site. My understanding is that everyone gets their basic pension based on contributions & retirement date but it is "top up" payments that are not payable unless both partners are if state pension age.

Lazydayt00day · 29/07/2020 20:48

If you are in UK look on www.gov.uk

Enter National Insurance number it will show you exactly how much you have paid per year.
You may need to log into the Government Gateway first

Secondly, you can see what date you can claim your state pension & how much

You need 35 qualifying years to receive a full state pension

Your husband should be able to claim his state pension now

conduitoffortune · 29/07/2020 21:02

Why are so many posters acting as if this man has bankrolled the OP for the past 14 years?? At no point has she said that this was ever the case.

Also, why are so many posters acting as if it's OP's fault that her husband hasn't bothered taking any responsibility for his pension? He doesn't have any additional needs, there is no reason that OP should be delegated all of his shit.

Ultimately, he has taken no responsibility for what happens after he retires and is going to allow all the the burden and grunt work to fall to his wife. I don't know how anybody can't understand her annoyance.