To not want to change my plans?

[DearTeddyRobinson]

Ugh I'm annoyed and ranting so apologies for any incoherence.
I've been really really busy and stressed at work, and my usual stress relief (running) is off the table due to tendinitis.
2 kids 4 & 7, DH and I both wfh full time since lockdown began. We have a nanny for 3 full days and 2 half days a week - this is great but equally we only budget for full time childcare outside of term time so it's costing us more than usual.
For some reason I end up doing all the meal planning and shopping and cooking as well. I work 9-5 and sometimes longer.
So - basically I'm knackered and stressed like a lot of people.
I managed to take this Friday off work to veg out while the nanny has the kids.
DH then decides to take the day off too. Ok.
Then he decides to cancel the nanny so 'we can have a nice family day' , without telling me. When i find out I immediately reverse this decision and reiterate the last bloody thing I want is more time with the kids. Fine, he apologises.
Then I wake up this morning to an email - he has booked lunch in central London for 12 noon on Friday. Surprise!!
Now the weather forecast is for 33 degrees. I want to spend the day pottering in the garden and snoozing, not hauling my sweaty carcass into Mayfair.
I tried to nicely say that I wish he had consulted me before making another unilateral decision that changes my entire day. Well that went down like a sack of shit, I apparently should have told him my plans so that he would have known not to make plans on my behalf??! I'm unpleasant, crap at communicating, and the last thing he now wants is to have a nice lunch with me.
I'm fucking raging. My day was changed, without my knowing, TWICE, and now I'm the bad guy??
I just want a fucking day to myself and he claims I never said that, I should have clarified etc etc.
My point is, why the fuck can't I plan NOTHING without him assuming I want him to fill it with his half arsed plans??
So - assuming you're still awake, tell me Mumsnet am I an ungrateful cow or is my DH an interfering pain??

Is he normally able to mind read?

I'd love it if my DP planned something nice for me. He obviously thought you were stressed and needed it.

Yanbu

Plan a day out for him and the dc. Tell him you are staying home.

I do think yabu regarding the nanny, hes not a mind reader. However, given that you explained your plans after that and he still went ahead and booked lunch then he's being a knob.

Everyone is being unreasonable. You for expecting him to know what you wanted without you telling him. Him for being arsey when you said you didn’t want to go for lunch. You both need to apologise to each other and then work on better communication skills.

YANBU. But maybe next time just say outright ‘I’m off Friday, no kids, no plans - just a day of vegging’.

Can’t see how it’s caused an argument you are allowed to not want to do something even if he planned it as a nice surprise.

Maybe this is your dh's way of saying you need to spend time together with him?...maybe he misses having quality time with you (on your own or as a family!) YABU to think that this should be all about you tbh. What wrong with chilling out in the morning and then going for lunch and have some you time in the evening??

No no no you are all meant to agree with me. Dammit. Thing is, I did say I wanted to relax but it was one of those conversations where I thought it was clear and he was obviously only pretending to listen.
Regarding spending time together, we have been cheek by bloody jowl since March 23rd. How could we possibly need more??

Depends: if he’s driving you, fine. If you have to schlepp into Mayfair on public transport, then YANBU. Lunch at 12? So you’d have to get your skates on. I’d be pissed off that he hadn’t bothered consulting me.

I don't actually understand why people think YABU. If I say to DH that I'm exhausted and am going to book a day off and don't add something like, "why don't we all take the day off and do something together" it's pretty much a given that I'm planning a quiet day. I mean, if you'd wanted a day off to spend with the kids, YOU would have given the nanny the day off surely? It doesn't seem like rocket science to me.

Also, when you then cancelled the nanny's day off (that must have been a fun conversation! ), again, I'd have thought that was a clear sign that you wanted a chilled day. Similarly, I assume you did not tell DH you were taking the day off and suggest he take the day off too so that you can have some lovely couple time?

I think your DH is being a dick here. I think he might be feeling that you don't get enough time together/as a family and in that I can sympathise. But bulldozing your need for a quiet day with no responsibilities is not the way to do it.

Also, this screams of a man who doesn't understand in the slightest the pressure you've been under. Which would also piss me off.

Wow must be nice to have a partner who wants to spend time with you, take you out for lunch etc. Honestly, you really are lucky. Some people have no one and cant even afford a meal in a pub never mind been taken out to lunch in Mayfair. If that's all you have to complain about then think yourself lucky.

I'm completely with you OP. You need to offload a lot more of the wifework to him.

In your shoes i would seriously contemplate going to a hotel after work on Thursday and only coming home Friday when the Nanny goes home.

i LOVE a day off at home with nobody there, just lately that's been like rocking horse shit (but i got one yesterday and it was bliss)

I'm rarely on the man's side here, but it does sound like he tried to do a nice thing and misjudged it spectacularly. I'd perhaps try to have a conversation, explain the mismatch and maybe agree to do something similar (PLANNED) in future.

I don't understand why people think you're being unreasonable, either.

I'd kill for a day to myself. I'm really struggling with not being able to pack my son off to his grandparents for a day!

If I booked a day off work and my husband cancelled nursery I think I would kill him. Actually kill him. The lunch wouldn't be an issue as he'd already be dead

He was trying to do something nice, the lunch could have been a lovely idea. Misguided but he had the best of intentions. Try not to be too hard on him, he’s probably feeling like he can’t do anything right!

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I'd feel the same in your shoes.

So you're struggling to pay for a nanny but happy to pay them whilst you are on annual leave.

You then told ypjr husband ypi dodnt want to spend time with your kids and have a day off and he organised a grown up posh limb for you.

Then you complain about him on the internet and accuse him of not listening.

Lock down has been tricky for lots of people, hes been stuck with you since March as much as you have been stuck with him.

You're luckier than most at the moment. Most of my friends are juggling working from home whilst looking after children. No nanny. So whilst I fully appreciate your need for 'me' time, I do feel you should stop and consider how fortunate you really are. Also if the nanny has the kids most of the time then you haven't actually spent that much time with the children so a day with the whole family would seem like a nice idea. I feel like you're being selfish tbh. Yeah, he should have consulted you first about the meal but it sounds like he wanted to do something nice for you.

I think you're both stressed out from the lockdown.

YANBU to want to stay home and chill out but you need to communicate that you don't want to go anywhere or do anything.

He is NBU to want to go out to lunch but he needs to speak to you about it rather than just springing surprises.

Perhaps try and find some other time (not Friday!) to enjoy a nice lunch out together without the kids?

You aren’t being unreasonable, it’s just some people on here can only see things from their own perspective and think just because they would like it everyone would and not listening to what you are saying, just as your DH hasn’t.

I’d be really cross with this and think it’s a good time to address the fact you are sorting all the meals.

My OH used to do the opposite. He’d book grandparents in for the weekend so we could go away childfree when I actually wanted family time away. He now knows that dinner dates are all good but weekends away are for all of us.

You may have been stuck together since March but how much of that has been quality time?!! To be honest I'm dinging it strange that you DON'T want a lunch date with your own dh!!

I’m with you On this one! Who cancels a nanny for the day to have extra kid time after lockdown!