To not want to change my plans?

[DearTeddyRobinson]

Ugh I'm annoyed and ranting so apologies for any incoherence.
I've been really really busy and stressed at work, and my usual stress relief (running) is off the table due to tendinitis.
2 kids 4 & 7, DH and I both wfh full time since lockdown began. We have a nanny for 3 full days and 2 half days a week - this is great but equally we only budget for full time childcare outside of term time so it's costing us more than usual.
For some reason I end up doing all the meal planning and shopping and cooking as well. I work 9-5 and sometimes longer.
So - basically I'm knackered and stressed like a lot of people.
I managed to take this Friday off work to veg out while the nanny has the kids.
DH then decides to take the day off too. Ok.
Then he decides to cancel the nanny so 'we can have a nice family day' , without telling me. When i find out I immediately reverse this decision and reiterate the last bloody thing I want is more time with the kids. Fine, he apologises.
Then I wake up this morning to an email - he has booked lunch in central London for 12 noon on Friday. Surprise!!
Now the weather forecast is for 33 degrees. I want to spend the day pottering in the garden and snoozing, not hauling my sweaty carcass into Mayfair.
I tried to nicely say that I wish he had consulted me before making another unilateral decision that changes my entire day. Well that went down like a sack of shit, I apparently should have told him my plans so that he would have known not to make plans on my behalf??! I'm unpleasant, crap at communicating, and the last thing he now wants is to have a nice lunch with me.
I'm fucking raging. My day was changed, without my knowing, TWICE, and now I'm the bad guy??
I just want a fucking day to myself and he claims I never said that, I should have clarified etc etc.
My point is, why the fuck can't I plan NOTHING without him assuming I want him to fill it with his half arsed plans??
So - assuming you're still awake, tell me Mumsnet am I an ungrateful cow or is my DH an interfering pain??

Wow must be nice to have a partner who wants to spend time with you, take you out for lunch etc. Honestly, you really are lucky. Some people have no one and cant even afford a meal in a pub never mind been taken out to lunch in Mayfair. If that's all you have to complain about then think yourself lucky

There's always one 🙄

Yanbu OP, but maybe you needed to spell it out to him.

I think it was a nice thought to book lunch out for you.
He probably thought you might like to get out of the house and away completely from the kids to do something more 'adult'!?
I can see why you don't want that but I do believe he had good intentions.
I've been properly out once since lockdown.
It was great to get out.
I have a company/team thing this afternoon as well. I can't wait to get out for a change of scenery and adult interaction outside of what I currently have!
Each to their own.
Cancel lunch and potter in your garden.
Or..... get out of the house and enjoy being waited on and having lovely food, cooked and served to you.

Did you tell him you wanted the day off to veg? If not, YABVU , sorry! I think he was trying to do something nice. Although I do understand wanting a day for yourself. He was U to originally cancel booked childcare like that though- it should've been discussed. I'm assuming you made your intentions clear though?

Ugh people I KNOW I'm lucky in tons of ways. Nowhere did I say we were struggling to pay for the nanny, but given the unexpected higher cost it doesn't make sense to add expensive lunches into the mix, in my view.
I know lots of people would love to be taken out to lunch etc etc. My point is that I had told my DH I wanted a day to chill - he hadn't heard or registered this and went ahead to make 2 sets of plans FOR ME without asking me. Then when I try to get things back to my original plan then I'm the bad guy.
God I'm turning into one of those posters who asks AIBU, then says you're all wrong I'm totally NBU aren't I?

I'd suck it up this time and enjoy a nice day out but then book another day off in a couple of weeks but don't mention it to anyone, when he realises just tell him you told him the week before!!

@DearTeddyRobinson
I would be happy to take such a lovely hubby off your hands! ☺️☺️☺️

He also has been with you in the same lockdown. He must be a saint, as you do sound unappreciative and high maintenance! He still wants to do something nice for you?
My advice to him is LTB 😂😂😂

You’re not being unreasonable at all. I love a day to myself, surely your other half could of just said “maybe I’ll take the day off too and we can do something” instead of taking over your whole day. You obviously booked it off for a reason!

In fairness to you OP, I'd have been livid with the cancelling of the nanny when I wanted to chill!
But lunch might be nice?

When he also decided to take the day off you should have clarified that you wanted a day by yourself. If you’d done that you would have avoided both subsequent incidents.

For some reason I end up doing all the meal planning and shopping and cooking as well. I work 9-5 and sometimes longer
This is the issue and why he doesn’t understand that you’re exhausted. He’s not sharing half of the drudge.

I'm unpleasant, crap at communicating, and the last thing he now wants is to have a nice lunch with me
I’m not surprised you’re raging. It’s like you can’t even take one day out for yourself without him complaining. It’s also your job to entertain him for the day. That’s not a day off for you!

Nothing in the way you've phrased it in your OP makes it sound like you made it clear to him you specifically wanted to veg out, it just sounds like you told him you didn't want the kids there, which is different. If this is a true reflection of how the conversation went, then I think YABU and need to work on your communication, and he was just trying to do something nice. If you did make it clear then yes you are not being unreasonable, but like others I'd find it hard to be furious that your husband wants to take you out and connect with you.

I could be reading too much into things, but between cancelling the nanny to spend time as a family and trying to take you on a spontaneous lunch, it sounds like your DH might be trying to "recapture the spark" as it were, whilst your language makes it sound like you're quite happy to drift away from him. If he's seeking out all these bonding experiences, perhaps you are in need of them. I don't say that to put it all on you if there are issues, perhaps you feel distant from him because you are fed up with carrying an unfair share of the mental load and chores in thr family. But if he is seeking out ways to bring you closer then perhaps now is the time to communicate and iron out those problems.

Rather than 'do something nice' for you maybe he should do what's fair and split the shopping, meal planning etc. Unless he does other jobs? I'd rather someone spread the load than occasional unwanted jestures

Most people's version of "chilling" would be spending time with the husband and children.

I'd consider a family day out (picnic in the park/NT property type day) as chilling, I'd consider sitting in a fancy restaurant with my DH, eating nice food and having a glass of wine or two as chilling.

I'd be quite hurt if my DH wanted to spend his time off all by himself away from the rest of the family, and got angry at the suggestion of spending time with the children or me. He was trying to be nice, and wanted to spend quality time with his wife and children, and you're angry at him for it. I'd be very hurt in his shoes.

God I'm turning into one of those posters who asks AIBU, then says you're all wrong I'm totally NBU aren't I?

There are lots of people on your side here. You just aren't seeing them!

YANBU.

All the people saying he is not a mind reader well neither is the OP! How was she to know he would make plans without talking to her first.

While it's nice he wants to spend time with you he should have asked did you fancy doing something together in stead of trying to hijack your day. Twice.

Theres nothing wrong with wanting some time to yourself. I would tell him that you appreciate the thought but next time run it by you first.

@Lilybet1980

My OH used to do the opposite. He’d book grandparents in for the weekend so we could go away childfree when I actually wanted family time away. He now knows that dinner dates are all good but weekends away are for all of us.

See? They can't do right for doing wrong!

I can see both sides really... I can totally see why you'd be unhappy your plans were changed but then maybe you didn't communicate them as clearly as you thought? Some people can't 'read between the lines' to see the underlying meaning which the other person thinks is clear - I certainly can't. But then again, I'm aware of this about myself so I always ask for clarification if there is room for something to be misconstrued.

I hope your day off is really relaxing and that you enjoy it, times have been touch recently!

YANBU in wanting a day to yourself
YWBU in not communicating that with your DH when he tried to plan a family day. You said you didn't want to spend time with the kids. You didn't say you wanted to spend time by yourself.

I don't understand why you rebooked the nanny after your DH cancelled it. Surely he could have done something fun with the kids, and you would've had the day to yourself?

If I want time to myself, I say to my husband that I'm planning to have an afternoon to myself while he looks after DD. They can do whatever they like, I won't be joining them. That way, even if we are all at home, he is fully responsible for DD and I don't get involved!

NOBODY LEAVES THE HOUSE AND I AM SICK OF IT.

If I got a day off work and had a nanny to hand then YES I would want to have a day to just chill out and have alone time - this does not mean I don't love my kids, just that I recognise that this lockdown has been a bitch for me because I am used to just having those few precious hours to have some peace and quiet. So yes, I agree, wholeheartedly that you should be able to spend your day as you wish.

However, I say this as someone whose husband NEVER organises a damned thing (I have to beg him to make me the occasional cuppa ffs) so this is not a hurdle I have to cross so in those terms I can see why, if he wanted to spend time with you as an antidote to his burnout, that he would feel upset that you aren't reciprocating.

Your wants don't cancel out his and vice versa I guess.

YANBU!!! Jesus I don't understand this concept that you should be SO grateful because your DH decided how you will be spending your day off.

People say the DH isn't a mindreader - why does that have to just be for the "poor" DH in this scenario? The OP is not a bloody mindreader either!! Perhaps if he had ASKED her first without ploughing ahead and making all these plans, this scenario would have been avoided.

He is completely in the wrong OP. And he also needs to do his fair share of the workload.

@MsSquiz

YANBU in wanting a day to yourself YWBU in not communicating that with your DH when he tried to plan a family day. You said you didn't want to spend time with the kids. You didn't say you wanted to spend time by yourself.

I don't understand why you rebooked the nanny after your DH cancelled it. Surely he could have done something fun with the kids, and you would've had the day to yourself?

If I want time to myself, I say to my husband that I'm planning to have an afternoon to myself while he looks after DD. They can do whatever they like, I won't be joining them. That way, even if we are all at home, he is fully responsible for DD and I don't get involved!

Presumably the OP rebooked the nanny because she knew she'd be left minding the DC all day rather than the DH?

So - assuming you're still awake, tell me Mumsnet am I an ungrateful cow or is my DH an interfering pain??

Both I'm afraid. You just need to make your plans clear from the outset, but you risk him opting out of spontaneous nice outings. You may be the loser in that one. I suggest you both plan things as a couple.

YANBU. The problem is not that you have a lovely husband who wants to do lovely things for you (as a lot of posters seem to think), the problem is him deciding what you should do with your day off.

I think it was a case of crossed wires which is leading me to say YABU. You said you wanted to be child free on Friday. If you'd wanted to be left alone in the garden you should've said this. Your husband tried to plan a nice child free lunch and it backfired. Maybe spend the lunch talking about how tired and stressed you actually are and then he can take the children out for the day at the weekend instead so you've got some time alone.

I can see exactly what you are saying, but fuck me I'd chew my arm off for a posh lunch with just DH right now! Or for him to even think of it... sorry.

To be fair though, I'm shielded and bored fucking rigid.

I do get a bit miffed if he interrupts my plans, today I have some study I want to do but DH has asked me to sort a couple of bits, that has me miffed, whereas he just see's it that I'm here all the time so it makes no difference.

I see both sides. I get being stressed: I have a 7 year old with autism and a 3 year old who is clingy and sassy. I work full time as a senior nurse and work is stressful af just now so a day to myself sounds bliss! So I get the disappointment. However your husband obviously thought he was doing something nice for you as a way to pay back your hard work and to show some form of appreciation.

The problem here is a total lack of communication: you for not telling him your plans and him for not asking. I'd go enjoy the day and then ask your husband to take the kids out for a few hours to let you decompress.