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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to change my plans?

130 replies

DearTeddyRobinson · 29/07/2020 09:38

Ugh I'm annoyed and ranting so apologies for any incoherence.
I've been really really busy and stressed at work, and my usual stress relief (running) is off the table due to tendinitis.
2 kids 4 & 7, DH and I both wfh full time since lockdown began. We have a nanny for 3 full days and 2 half days a week - this is great but equally we only budget for full time childcare outside of term time so it's costing us more than usual.
For some reason I end up doing all the meal planning and shopping and cooking as well. I work 9-5 and sometimes longer.
So - basically I'm knackered and stressed like a lot of people.
I managed to take this Friday off work to veg out while the nanny has the kids.
DH then decides to take the day off too. Ok.
Then he decides to cancel the nanny so 'we can have a nice family day' Angry, without telling me. When i find out I immediately reverse this decision and reiterate the last bloody thing I want is more time with the kids. Fine, he apologises.
Then I wake up this morning to an email - he has booked lunch in central London for 12 noon on Friday. Surprise!!
Now the weather forecast is for 33 degrees. I want to spend the day pottering in the garden and snoozing, not hauling my sweaty carcass into Mayfair.
I tried to nicely say that I wish he had consulted me before making another unilateral decision that changes my entire day. Well that went down like a sack of shit, I apparently should have told him my plans so that he would have known not to make plans on my behalf??! I'm unpleasant, crap at communicating, and the last thing he now wants is to have a nice lunch with me.
I'm fucking raging. My day was changed, without my knowing, TWICE, and now I'm the bad guy??
I just want a fucking day to myself and he claims I never said that, I should have clarified etc etc.
My point is, why the fuck can't I plan NOTHING without him assuming I want him to fill it with his half arsed plans??
So - assuming you're still awake, tell me Mumsnet am I an ungrateful cow or is my DH an interfering pain??
AngryAngry

OP posts:
Dozycuntlaters · 29/07/2020 11:24

Bloody hell, why are people telling OP to count herself lucky she can afford this blah blah blah, that's not the nature of the post.

OP YANBU - I get that he was trying to do a nice thing but if I wanted to chill and had a DH who cancelled the nanny then wanted to hot foot it up to London I'd be fed up too. He probably just thought it was a nice thing to do, and that it would be nice for you two to go out for a lovely meal but didn't put anymore thought into than that. Annoying but well meant.

TheOrigBrave · 29/07/2020 11:25

I managed to take this Friday off work to veg out while the nanny has the kids

Did you tell him this?

SkinnywannabeKBH · 29/07/2020 11:26

I think you're being very ungrateful. As others have said, he's not a bloody mind reader. Wise up and be glad he actually cares about you and wants to spend time with you and your children.

ZZGirl · 29/07/2020 11:26

He was trying to do something nice for you that you've thrown back in his face. You can relax by being out and away from the kids. Lunch is two hours, not your whole day. I think you've been quite unreasonable. You owe him an apology.

Original poster
DearTeddyRobinson · 29/07/2020 11:26

Thing is, lovely family days out are a lot of work for me. I have to plan them, sort food for kids, make sure timings work for dinner, bed whatever, pack bags, make sure everyone has sun cream/hats/ been to the loo etc etc. Then all the other usual stuff around the kids like cooking, sorting school shoes etc, it all falls to me. We work the same hours so not entirely sure why my time is less valuable.
I suppose I just felt I could finally have some time where I'm not sorting out everyone else and it was stolen!

OP posts:
my2bundles · 29/07/2020 11:28

He carnt read your mind. As for wanting more time away from.the kids, I'm on my own with my kids and haven't had a second alone for over 4 months, consider yourself blimming lucky.

Original poster
DearTeddyRobinson · 29/07/2020 11:28

@TheOrigBrave

I managed to take this Friday off work to veg out while the nanny has the kids

Did you tell him this?

Yes.
OP posts:
Original poster
DearTeddyRobinson · 29/07/2020 11:30

@ZZGirl

He was trying to do something nice for you that you've thrown back in his face. You can relax by being out and away from the kids. Lunch is two hours, not your whole day. I think you've been quite unreasonable. You owe him an apology.
An hour to get there. An hour to get back. 2 hours lunch. So 4 hours out of the 8 hours we have the nanny. Then I have to sort the kids dinner (nanny leaves at 5) and get things ready for one of the kids friends to come for a sleepover. DH KNOWS ALL OF THIS.
OP posts:
my2bundles · 29/07/2020 11:32

Poor you having to sort your own kids, you know every day things. Poor poor your. I'm being sarcastic by the way.

beautifulxdisasters · 29/07/2020 11:33

This Friday isn't really the issue is it OP? - it's his general lack of pitching in. If you'd been doing half the drudgy essential house and kids stuff since lockdown and he'd been doing the other half, you'd have had a fair bit of chill time since March and you'd probably really love to go for lunch with DH on Friday then maybe do something as a family on the afternoon.

You need to have a serious conversation with your DH about why he thinks it's fair that you've been doing everything.

beautifulxdisasters · 29/07/2020 11:35

@my2bundles

Poor you having to sort your own kids, you know every day things. Poor poor your. I'm being sarcastic by the way.
If it's so easy then why isn't her DH doing any of it? Hmm
DorisDaisyMay · 29/07/2020 11:38

YANBU

I sent the kids to the childminder yesterday afternoon just so I could veg. I cannot remember the last time I was alone.

Home alone for 30 mins. Loving being in bed, crocheting and watching Married at First Sight.

Oh, yip, DH drops back home because his job finished early ...I wanted to cry.

Original poster
DearTeddyRobinson · 29/07/2020 11:39

@my2bundles

Poor you having to sort your own kids, you know every day things. Poor poor your. I'm being sarcastic by the way.
Yeah that I have been doing since they were born. What's your point?
OP posts:
BlingLoving · 29/07/2020 11:40

@DearTeddyRobinson The thing is that he honestly clearly has no clue. You say you do all the thinking and planning as it is. So he has no idea of what you need a break from. Or how doing certain things just added to your workload. Which would just infuriate the fuck out of me quite frankly. In fact, DH, who is usually brilliant, over Christmas caused me to be so annoyed that my family were actually a bit worried by my levels of anger and whether our relationship was in trouble because he was so relaxed an hour before we left for an extended family pre-christmas event because he thought all he had to do was get himself dressed.....

TokyoSushi · 29/07/2020 11:40

YANBU, but I think he was trying to do a nice thing, go and demand he takes the kids out of a good few hours at the weekend so you can have some peace!

BunningAndStrave · 29/07/2020 11:41

I'd cancel the day off and book it for another day and not tell him when until the night before so he couldn't book the day off too.

Thislittlelady · 29/07/2020 11:42

He cancelled the family day cos you were unhappy. So he planned a new one. And your unhappy. You need to be clear with him op. He’s not a min reader. And ask him to help around the house more. Maybe then you would be more open to surprise situations.

YummyInMyTummy · 29/07/2020 11:43

YANBU at all! Hoping your husband understands how you’re feeling right now and what you might need (i.e. chill time) is not the same as expecting him to read your mind; you’re not strangers to each other. And when he got it wrong by cancelling the nanny, that should have been an indicator not to plan your day for you.
Maybe he should have just listened to you in the first place and remembered what you said about wanting a day to chill.
Yes he meant it all nicely, but he still got it wrong and is now blaming you.
And to the PP who says most people’s idea of chill time is family time e.g. picnic or NT day out, I totally disagree! That is the opposite of chill! So much work to get the kids out the house which inevitably falls to the wife/mum.

EllieQ · 29/07/2020 11:47

YANBU, especially with your later post about you having to do all the preparation and planning for the ‘lovely family day out’, as well as doing most/ all of the ‘wife work’ day to day.

DH and I are both off work this week, but DD is at holiday club for a few days, so we can have a break! Yesterday I spent the morning lazing in bed and reading while he played computer games downstairs, and it was lovely. There is nothing wrong with wanting time to yourself!

RandomMess · 29/07/2020 11:47

He clearly doesn't listen to you and has no bloody clue how much you do in doing the mental load and wifework above and beyond him.

TBH you need to divide the mental load and housework and parenting 50:50 and leave him to sink and swim.

I'm so cross on your behalf that when you didn't want a "family day" out he didn't just say he'd take the DC out on his own...

Bringmewineandcake · 29/07/2020 11:50

YA definitely NBU

GinDrinker00 · 29/07/2020 11:52

Nah YANBU. I’m one of those who needs to recharge too I’d be livid. Stick to your plans, he can take the kids out if he wants.

BlusteryShowers · 29/07/2020 11:53

YANBU. I can appreciate his gesture and attempt to treat you but he hasn't recognised your need for peace and downtime. Maybe arranging a nice lunch delivery would have been more appropriate.

DappledThings · 29/07/2020 11:53

He can't read your mind

He doesn't need to read her mind. He just needs to not make massive assumptions about what she wants to do. This isn't someone complaining that they wanted a surprise planned and the DH didn't realise that. That scenario would require him to be a mind-reader. This just required him to not interfere and make plans without any consultation.

OP YANBU in the least.

timeforawine · 29/07/2020 11:57

I'd have been pissed about cancelling the nanny, thats a joint decision, but the lunch would be nice and most likely air conditioned :-D

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