To not want to change my plans?

[DearTeddyRobinson]

Ugh I'm annoyed and ranting so apologies for any incoherence.
I've been really really busy and stressed at work, and my usual stress relief (running) is off the table due to tendinitis.
2 kids 4 & 7, DH and I both wfh full time since lockdown began. We have a nanny for 3 full days and 2 half days a week - this is great but equally we only budget for full time childcare outside of term time so it's costing us more than usual.
For some reason I end up doing all the meal planning and shopping and cooking as well. I work 9-5 and sometimes longer.
So - basically I'm knackered and stressed like a lot of people.
I managed to take this Friday off work to veg out while the nanny has the kids.
DH then decides to take the day off too. Ok.
Then he decides to cancel the nanny so 'we can have a nice family day' , without telling me. When i find out I immediately reverse this decision and reiterate the last bloody thing I want is more time with the kids. Fine, he apologises.
Then I wake up this morning to an email - he has booked lunch in central London for 12 noon on Friday. Surprise!!
Now the weather forecast is for 33 degrees. I want to spend the day pottering in the garden and snoozing, not hauling my sweaty carcass into Mayfair.
I tried to nicely say that I wish he had consulted me before making another unilateral decision that changes my entire day. Well that went down like a sack of shit, I apparently should have told him my plans so that he would have known not to make plans on my behalf??! I'm unpleasant, crap at communicating, and the last thing he now wants is to have a nice lunch with me.
I'm fucking raging. My day was changed, without my knowing, TWICE, and now I'm the bad guy??
I just want a fucking day to myself and he claims I never said that, I should have clarified etc etc.
My point is, why the fuck can't I plan NOTHING without him assuming I want him to fill it with his half arsed plans??
So - assuming you're still awake, tell me Mumsnet am I an ungrateful cow or is my DH an interfering pain??

Definitely NBU. Thank the stars I have a husband who has the wit to ask me before planning out my time. The OP's husband didn't need to be a mind reader, all he had to do was listen when she told him she wanted to chill. Well maybe a family day is a chill day for a lazy arse that doesn't do any child wrangling.

Since you told him you wanted to veg out and as your partner he should realise you're exhausted I'm going to YANBU.

OutOfHours no she isn't. He has trampled all over her plans twice with no consideration as to what she'd actually enjoy. He hasn't listened to a word she said. Go sort out your own relationship issues before you start verbally abusing strangers.

Re days out OP, you need to be getting your husband to help more with planning etc. Get him doing suncream/toilet while you pack bags, maybe buy a spare suncream and hats to keep in a 'day out bag' so 2 less things to think about packing

@Thislittlelady

He cancelled the family day cos you were unhappy. So he planned a new one. And your unhappy. You need to be clear with him op. He’s not a min reader. And ask him to help around the house more. Maybe then you would be more open to surprise situations.

How often should I be asking him until I give up?

YANBU at all. This is a bit off-topic but on days when nanny works until 5 pm could you not ask her to prep dinner for the DCs? Things like baked potatoes, tray bake for you to stick in the oven, etc...?

How often should I be asking him until I give up? Divorce him and let him take care of his own flat, and have sole responsibility for the children EOW. Less work and guaranteed alone time for you.

You're luckier than most at the moment. Most of my friends are juggling working from home whilst looking after children. No nanny. So whilst I fully appreciate your need for 'me' time, I do feel you should stop and consider how fortunate you really are.

Look up the Fallacy of Relative privation. It makes absolutely no difference to OP if other people have it worse than her she can't help them (probably) and her having a chill day off won't harm them or make their position worse.

Most people's version of "chilling" would be spending time with the husband and children.

Bloody hell, no. NO! I have fun with DH & DCs and we plan things together. But after a week on holiday together we always plan a day where we each do our own thing. (when DC were small we took a day each to do our own thing and left the DCs with the other).

OP told her DH she wanted a day to chill. Has he not noticed her doing all the stuff she's been doing? my guess is nope.

@DearTeddyRobinson

Thing is, lovely family days out are a lot of work for me. I have to plan them, sort food for kids, make sure timings work for dinner, bed whatever, pack bags, make sure everyone has sun cream/hats/ been to the loo etc etc. Then all the other usual stuff around the kids like cooking, sorting school shoes etc, it all falls to me. We work the same hours so not entirely sure why my time is less valuable. I suppose I just felt I could finally have some time where I'm not sorting out everyone else and it was stolen!

This is my problem at the moment too. I've been wfh since lockdown FT and DH did for one month and then is back to going to the office. Apart from dog walking and cooking a few times a week it all falls to me. Just keeping up with the laundry is almost a FT job. I got properly pissed off last night when I asked him to get two loads of washing in off the line and it was an issue, "well why don't we both get it in?"....... Tbf. He is a very good DH but it's the first time I've done FT in fifteen years so it's a change for all of us.

OP,

I hear you!

You sound run raggedy.

What does he do around the house?

Exactly how dim is he to not know you are shattered and NO a lunch that you have to travel and HOUR for, there and back on a hot day, may not be what YOU want to do on a hen's teeth rare day to yourself.

He sounds like a twit.

I sure as hell wouldn't take him being upset.

Hand over the shopping and cooking for two weeks, completely.

He needs a dose of your reality.

I hope he gets out of your way and gives you a break from HIM too, on your day off.

Enjoy!

YANBU.
I wouldn’t dare to plan DH’s day without consulting him first.
Working here as well, had my kids since they closed school.DH was furloughed.
I could weep I so need time alone that I haven’t had since sometime in March.

I also think you both are U. I also kind of feel for both of you: he'd like to spend some time with you and tried to arrange that and two options got rejected. And you wanted to have a 'all leave me alone' day and it already has been intruded twice.

What about you to change the plans for Friday and have a lunch with him. I guess you two with no kids around is a rare thing.
And then you'll have your relax day on Saturday while he'll look after the kinds for a day.

If he wants lunch then surely he can pop to Waitrose and buy a nice bottle of wine and loads of picnic stuff then sit on a blanket in the garden with the OP rather than booking some flashy "look how good I am" lunch requiring 2 hours travelling.

Poor you having to sort your own kids, you know every day things. Poor poor your. I'm being sarcastic by the way.

Poor DH not having to do anything and the OP doing every single thing for the DC since they were born.

She'd get 50% of her time for herself if she left him

Poor you having to sort your own kids, you know every day things. Poor poor your. I'm being sarcastic by the way.

Until the day I die I will never understand why caring for children is sooooo easy when the woman is doing it but sooooo difficult when a man is asked to pull his weight.

@DearTeddyRobinson

No no no you are all meant to agree with me. Dammit. Thing is, I did say I wanted to relax but it was one of those conversations where I thought it was clear and he was obviously only pretending to listen. Regarding spending time together, we have been cheek by bloody jowl since March 23rd. How could we possibly need more??

I agree with you!

This would drive me up the wall... It's easy to click 'buy' on a nice afternoon tea, but a true show of appreciation would be to regularly take on his fair share of the housework. You are not the bad guy here, OP.

YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE!!!!

Yes, days out with family are lovely, lunches with a spouse are lovely, but sometimes you just need need need to sit in silence in your own house and just be in silence, no demands, no chatting, nothing, especially after the last few months.

My husband is taking a day off next week as he's been stressed at work. Am I taking him out for lunch as a surprise? Am I fuck. He's going to spend the day himself in the house alone with his playstation for company because that's what he wants. What I might do I'd make sure he's got a fancy lunch in the fridge for when he wants it.

And he definitely knows better than to mess with any day I take to have myself. He will offer to take the same day off, but doesn't take it personally if I'd rather be myself.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable actually. Kudos to your husband for trying to do a nice thing but he obviously hadn’t paid attention when you told him WHY you wanted a day to yourself. If he wants a family day or a date day with you, he’s able to do that without hijacking your plans (no plans are sometimes the best plans!) but I’d be pissed off he was so tone deaf to how you’re feeling.

I suspect you are more tired of doing more than your share at home. Maybe time for a discussion about this with DH?

YANBU

I'd love a day to myself, WFH with a house full of people is tough. I got permission to go into the abandoned office for a day which was lovely to be on my OWN. Till bastards like my family and colleagues starting calling and zooming me to see how my alone day was going!!! Fuck off!!!

I'm sure you've been together long enough for him to know whether your the sort of person who likes surprises or not. Some people do and some don't.

And yeah, sitting in a nice restaurant drenched in sweat because he couldn't be bothered to check the weather forecast isn't my idea of a nice day out.

YANBU

i used to like a fancy lunch in london but i really don't want to go on tubes etc now for non essential journeys if i can avoid it.

I would have thought the discussion on what the plan was would be done when you said I AM HAVING A DAY OFF, as then my other half would generally ask what i was doing and if i wanted a day together i would have discussed with him anyway, which day is good for us both to have off together to do XYZ.
if he then said he was also booking it off, I'd have mentioned my plans of netflix and gaming, bit he was welcome to do his own thing as welll of course.

so overall i do think you are not Unreasonable but it should have been more obvious to him upfront that it was YOUR day off and you were spending it as YOU wanted to.

Thanks all. To be honest it's been a bit of a wake up call as to how frigging angry and resentful I am at all the wifework I do while he just suits himself. I keep telling him he needs to sort dinner etc and he just suggests bloody takeaways.
I've been trying not to cry all morning and I'm just exhausted. He did come and apologise for getting it wrong, and I apologised for being ungrateful. Thing is I'd love a fancy lunch or dinner out but when I'm in a better frame of mind, and when I've had some input! So I told him that if he wanted to do something to make me feel appreciated then some cooking and laundry wouldn't go amiss. I think it should be split 50 50 and there is no reason it shouldn't be which he had to agree with.
Anyway thank you all for your views. To those of you who think I should be counting my blessings, well you have really missed the point of my post.