To not want to change my plans?

[DearTeddyRobinson]

Ugh I'm annoyed and ranting so apologies for any incoherence.
I've been really really busy and stressed at work, and my usual stress relief (running) is off the table due to tendinitis.
2 kids 4 & 7, DH and I both wfh full time since lockdown began. We have a nanny for 3 full days and 2 half days a week - this is great but equally we only budget for full time childcare outside of term time so it's costing us more than usual.
For some reason I end up doing all the meal planning and shopping and cooking as well. I work 9-5 and sometimes longer.
So - basically I'm knackered and stressed like a lot of people.
I managed to take this Friday off work to veg out while the nanny has the kids.
DH then decides to take the day off too. Ok.
Then he decides to cancel the nanny so 'we can have a nice family day' , without telling me. When i find out I immediately reverse this decision and reiterate the last bloody thing I want is more time with the kids. Fine, he apologises.
Then I wake up this morning to an email - he has booked lunch in central London for 12 noon on Friday. Surprise!!
Now the weather forecast is for 33 degrees. I want to spend the day pottering in the garden and snoozing, not hauling my sweaty carcass into Mayfair.
I tried to nicely say that I wish he had consulted me before making another unilateral decision that changes my entire day. Well that went down like a sack of shit, I apparently should have told him my plans so that he would have known not to make plans on my behalf??! I'm unpleasant, crap at communicating, and the last thing he now wants is to have a nice lunch with me.
I'm fucking raging. My day was changed, without my knowing, TWICE, and now I'm the bad guy??
I just want a fucking day to myself and he claims I never said that, I should have clarified etc etc.
My point is, why the fuck can't I plan NOTHING without him assuming I want him to fill it with his half arsed plans??
So - assuming you're still awake, tell me Mumsnet am I an ungrateful cow or is my DH an interfering pain??

OP, I am bitterly disappointed that you discussed it like grown ups, I wanted drama!

Not really let's hope he hears you and gets off his arse re housework.

I can't believe that anyone's been giving you a hard time on this post. I am glad you've had a conversation about the wifework, that's outrageous. Now remain strong - "what's for tea, mum?" "Dad's getting it." "Where are my clean socks? Ask your dad" ... Ad nauseum.

Good luck!

@ContessaferJones haha I know what you mean, always much more satisfying when these things escalate
It's not the first time we've had this discussion to be honest, for an intelligent man he can be surprisingly bloody dense at times.

It’s a misunderstanding on his part. Maybe you have to be extra blunt with him for the message to hit home? So say ‘I’ve booked a day off to relax (extra blunt part) and that means I want to stay in, childfree, no have to go anywhere or do anything AT ALL, ok!’

I'm glad you've discussed it OP, I hope he takes it on board. I don't think ywbu. If I took a day off and was looking forward to a nice day relaxing alone, I'd hate for those plans to get changed.

YADNBU. If he really wanted to do something nice for you he'd take the drudge work off your hands for the day so you can properly relax and chill. I reckon you should ask him to do this and see what his reaction is.

Ah, cross-posted. So maybe you will get a proper chill out day after all. :)

I’m glad you’ve said to piece, now to stick to it. What’s for dinner mum? You know what , I have no idea. Dads sorting it and all I know is it will be healthy and home cooked.

YANBU

I dont think you're being unreasonable at all. At no point did he ask you if you wanted him to join your plans. Surely the normal, appropriate thing would be "I'm going to take friday off for some chill time" "oh that sounds nice, shall me and the kids take it off too and have some family time?" "No thanks I need some time away from the kids" "oh ok, would you like to go to lunch together then?" "No thanks I just wanna chill out in the garden and have some me time" " ok, hope you have a nice day"

Agreed I need to spell things out VERY CLEARLY the next time. And I have no idea what is for dinner. None at all.

How on earth do people think you're being unreasonable? He should have checked with you first before booking anything. You're not at his beck and call, decisions should be made jointly. And offload some of the wife work, you're not his servant.

I'm free for lunch in Mayfair on Friday! You do sound as if nothing will please you.

Lol I love fancy lunch but I get you OP. Nearly exactly this happened to me - had plans for a lovely day doing absolutely nothing and DP got wind of it, and all of a sudden we have plans, I supposed to be grateful and put on a bra...

More fool him, I fell asleep at nearly every point of our day out including our long journey home. He had the temerity to say the journey home was boring as I was asleep and not talking. I kind of shouted 'well I wanted a day to sleep and yes we had a LOVELY DAY, THANK YOU but I am VERY TIRED'

I'm not sure he really got the message but he did look a little sheepish after that. Prior to DP I was with someone who wouldn't plan what to have for dinner as he was cooking, so I find myself trying to figure out how grateful I should be for someone who plans things

My husband announced this morning he has taken Friday off, clearly expecting me to be delighted. The DC and I already have plans with friends. Happy to send him into town to meet your DH, OP?

@HelloDulling that sounds like an excellent idea. Perhaps @katy1213 would like to join them?
Katy did you read any of my posts?

No. Low attention span and I get bored quickly.

@OutOfHours

Your an ungrateful cow.

How I wish my DH would do something like this once in a while!

What a lovely, lovely person you are. I'd take that chip off your bitter.

[quote DearTeddyRobinson]@ContessaferJones haha I know what you mean, always much more satisfying when these things escalate
It's not the first time we've had this discussion to be honest, for an intelligent man he can be surprisingly bloody dense at times. [/quote]
I don't want to be negative because it's clear he's not an intrinsically bad man, but.... I'm not sure how mjuch of this is denseness and how much is selective hearing/forgetting. I am naturally less tidy than DH. There were a few arguments in the past where he'd be huffing and puffing because the lounge was a bit untidy and he had to clean it up, "again" and I'd lose my shit pointing out the 18 OTHER things I'd done that day eg making breakfast, tidying up breakfast, washing, making lunch, tidying up lunch, online shopping etc. It was like he just thought all that stuff just sort of magically happened and involved no effort on my part. Not least because I don't generally make a fuss of them and don't particularly mind doing the cooking and shopping. Doesn't mean it's not a chore and I'm not aware that if I wasn't making lunch, thinking about shopping, tidying up I couldn't be doing other things....

I think he's been unreasonable, but with good intentions so I'd find it hard to be annoyed with him. I def would be annoyed about the part with giving the nanny the day off!! But the second part.. sounds like he was trying to plan a surprise treat. Just got it a bit wrong

YANBU. Lockdown has been really tough on people WFH with their spouse and managing childcare. I completely understand the need to just be left alone for a bit in a quiet house and decompress.

OP,

Good you have had a chat.

You are still at the beginning of a long road of rearing your children.

Unfortunately it sounds like you have married a very lazy arse.

You need to take how you are feeling, and hang on to it for a bit.

Doing everything for children and home while working FT is a recipe for absolute disaster in your marriage.

That anger/upset/exhaustion will morph into fury/dislike/loathing if you are not careful.

In marriage there is a language of love.

When your husband does his bit, has your back, helps ease the work load, supports you emotionally, you will feel loved and valued.

When he knows bloody well that you are doing everything and continues to not see what needs doing, he is infact telling you that you are not important.

I think this kills real love in a marriage.

YOU can choose the type of marriage you want.

He needs to step up and stop being a spectator to the workload that keeps the house ticking over.

Hand over the responsibility of dinner for the next two weeks to get him started, plus the shopping.

He's let you carry this load for ever, surely it can't be too hard.🤷‍♀️

You need to change the dynamic here where he is a lazy twit and you are totally broken by doing it all.

Use today as a catalyst for change, and insist he get his act together.

IMO the suggestion of a take away any time he is asked to provide a meal for the family should be legitimate grounds for divorce🤣......it would really get on my wick.

That was for @BlingLoving ^^