DH's dinner lesson

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

Semi-lighthearted -

TL;DR, was I being mean to let DH cook for himself after work?

Today DH worked a late shift, coming home well after 9pm. This is the first time this has come about since having DC, but it'll be the first of many late shifts to come.

In the run up to him starting these shifts, I (being the anxious nag that I am) regularly asked him 'what would you like to do about dinner when you're working lates?' However, every time I asked, I got eye rolls and essentially a 'let's cross that bridge when we get there' response.

So tonight he came home and told me how starving he was. After asking me if I had made anything, and looking sufficiently forlorn, he started toying with the idea of ordering a takeaway. I urged him not to, as money isn't exactly flowing and we have things in the fridge that take about 25 mins to cook. He said he was too tired to go and put something in the oven.

In the end my pleas worked and he opted to go and put something in the over for himself. But he did so grudgingly, telling me how hungry and tired he was.

So let me be clear, I could have cobbled something together after DC went to sleep. It crossed my mind, but I thought to myself it would be better to leave it, because I would really like him to realise it's best to plan these things with me beforehand instead of expecting me to come through with solutions unprompted, and also I was tired and wanted to watch YouTube in bed.

What's the general opinion here? Was I too harsh? Should I have made something and said to him 'next time please tell me what you want before your night shift'? Or was I right to let him 'learn this lesson'? There's a fine line between being cruel, and being cruel to be kind!

I’m with you OP. I like a good life lesson. The things others think aren’t important suddenly become very important when they don’t happen.

Slightly different but fun - my husband had a habit of leaving recycling on the counter rather than in the recycling bin. After several requests it still happened. So I collected them all up and put them on his bedside table one day.

He kind of put two and two together but asked me why there were beer bottled and empty milk cartons on his bedside table and I said dead pan “oh I thought you were keeping them for sentimental reasons”

He laughed and ive never had an issue since 😂

I get your point but it just seems unkind to me, you are a family and it seems mean to not have just made an extra portion of whatever you ate and left that for him.

OP said she didn't make anything for herself. Also

Just to put it out there, if I had made a pot/tray/bucket of something for DC and I, I would have cooked enough for DH when he got home.

Could he have some of your leftovers? I guess you need to talk about this in advance. He could make something before work and heat up on his return. If you are asking whether you should have made him something, I suppose it depends on whether he can be bothered cooking when he comes home. If he likes cooking he would probably rather make it yourself. You could have offered - watch YouTube after that. 9.30 would give you a few hours viewing before bed.

YANBU and I don't think it's OK for a grown man to have to 'learn a lesson'.
An adult conversation would be initiated by HIM and would start something like 'So as I'm going to be doing night shifts, I thought what we might do about dinner is...'.

My DP and I do this if one of us is out socialising/working late. It's not hard and it's just part of being a sensible adult.

I agree that he just expects you to do the wifework of thinking of things; it's even worse in this case because at the same time he 'tuts, sighs and eye rolls' because he thinks you think too far ahead.

I'm not sure exactly what he expects you to do. I'd be having a serious word.

I used to work shifts including night shifts and my husband would always ask me what I wanted for dinner or how he could help. Often, being exhausted, I didn't know so would just say something vague but he would still plate me up a portion of whatever he had made for himself. He would never, ever, have let me come home after a long hospital shift and not have a meal to eat. Jesus wept, just make an extra portion of your dinner, if he doesn't eat it then you eat it as leftovers for lunch the next day. What's the harm. This behaviour seems petty and selfish.

My partner used to finish at 10.30 pm regularly in his old job. I would often Dr o something in the slow cooker those days leaving it on warm. Else plate a meal to re-heat. Failing that I would put a microwave meal or pot noodle in the house. Not ideal but if he couldn't be bothered it was quick and easy.

God, what a joyless post.
Yes, I think it would be nice to have something already cooked for when he comes in.
You seem to really overthink these things, but it comes down to kindness really.

You're playing sexual politics over this? For goodness sake, plate up his dinner when you made everyone else's. You've got a microwave?

I agree with the others. Mean leaving him to cook for himself when he’s been working late, especially since you could have just kept some aside. I always cook a little better extra for my husband when he’s on lates or leave him a sandwich. A little consideration wouldn’t hurt.

She didn’t have any dinner, so couldn’t have made him an extra portion of what she had.

She did have meals easily ready to go in the fridge that he could’ve had but the poor lamb was too tired to open the oven door.

I cook one meal for the whole family. If my husband is late, he gets it out of the fridge and outs in microwave. I never make two meals. Just make dinner and he can reheat.

My husband does a couple of late shifts a week and usually I put something aside when I'm cooking for everyone else, but if we are out for dinner (we go to a friends once a week) he sorts himself out, but I do always let him if he needs to sort his own dinner before he leaves work, so he can decide or shop on the way home if he wants something specific. Not too much wife work, but saves wasting food or him being sad and hungry!

@FuckPolitenessSSDGM

I used to work shifts including night shifts and my husband would always ask me what I wanted for dinner or how he could help. Often, being exhausted, I didn't know so would just say something vague but he would still plate me up a portion of whatever he had made for himself. He would never, ever, have let me come home after a long hospital shift and not have a meal to eat. Jesus wept, just make an extra portion of your dinner, if he doesn't eat it then you eat it as leftovers for lunch the next day. What's the harm. This behaviour seems petty and selfish.

As aptly described upthread in response to about the twentieth time someone suggested it, she did make an extra portion of hers. There was a lovely big plate of fuck all ready and waiting.

FOR THE LOVE OF THE GODS THE OP DID NOT MAKE ANYTHING FOR HERSELF SO THERE WAS NO 'EXTRA' TO PLATE UP FOR HIM.

@iklboo

FOR THE LOVE OF THE GODS THE OP DID NOT MAKE ANYTHING FOR HERSELF SO THERE WAS NO 'EXTRA' TO PLATE UP FOR HIM.

This. RTFT.

Perfectly reasonable to plate up whatever the rest of the family is eating. Not reasonable to expect a meal cooked from scratch when a) he hasn't responded to her questions about what he wants and b) she hasn't made anything for herself.

"she did make an extra portion of hers. There was a lovely big plate of fuck all ready and waiting."

Not too big a plate. I'm watching my figure.

I usually take a pack up when I'm on a late shift as I don't feel like eating much when I get home at 9/10pm.
Dh cooks for him and the dc and will plate me something so if I am actually hungry I can eat it, or have it for my lunch the next day. If dh is out and I cook then I'll plate him something. We all pretty much eat the same stuff at the same time usually though.

He is not that fussed as you are about 'planning' meals which is fine so trying to prove a point was a bit silly, but deep down you could have easily cooked more of what you had for dinner and he could've reheated that!

In asking the question you know deep down that is the answer, he will eat whatever you will cook for him...

I can absolutely assure everybody that he wouldn't eat 'whatever I cook'. Tonight, for example, I was thinking of having chicken and pasta for myself and DC, so I offered to make extra of that. (I offered this while I was stood outside his work handing him his lunch.) But he wants to stick with his cauliflower cheese that he asked for yesterday. I'm still going to make that for him. DC had a microwave chicken casserole in the end because I decided against cooking for myself, and there's not enough of that to leave aside for DH.

I really am enjoying this thread though. It's been a nice distraction!

I'm a shift worker, DH isn't. On occasion, I've come home from a late shift, knackered and hangry to find he's fed the kids but hadn't decided on anything for us, let alone cooked anything, which is very frustrating when all you want to do is eat, watch mindless telly then crash. So yes, I think it was unreasonable, and a bit petty tbh.

If only there was a way to keep a plate of food aside for someone from a meal cooked earlier for other family members.

Do you actually eat anything OP?

Is this thread like the "Cancel the cheque" thread I've seen mentioned a few times? 😁

@maddiemookins16mum

If only there was a way to keep a plate of food aside for someone from a meal cooked earlier for other family members.

She’s already said that he would not have eaten what she made for the DC.

In my house I shop for all the food and cook all the meals so DH doesn’t really get a choice about what is made unless I offer him up a few choices beforehand. He’s never complained once (wise man lol), he’s always grateful for a cooked meal. Just cook any meal and place it in the microwave for him to reheat. If he doesn’t eat it then that’s his look out. You just cook whatever you want to cook and don’t ask him. There’s no pressure then and no need to be anxious about it.