DH's dinner lesson

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

Semi-lighthearted -

TL;DR, was I being mean to let DH cook for himself after work?

Today DH worked a late shift, coming home well after 9pm. This is the first time this has come about since having DC, but it'll be the first of many late shifts to come.

In the run up to him starting these shifts, I (being the anxious nag that I am) regularly asked him 'what would you like to do about dinner when you're working lates?' However, every time I asked, I got eye rolls and essentially a 'let's cross that bridge when we get there' response.

So tonight he came home and told me how starving he was. After asking me if I had made anything, and looking sufficiently forlorn, he started toying with the idea of ordering a takeaway. I urged him not to, as money isn't exactly flowing and we have things in the fridge that take about 25 mins to cook. He said he was too tired to go and put something in the oven.

In the end my pleas worked and he opted to go and put something in the over for himself. But he did so grudgingly, telling me how hungry and tired he was.

So let me be clear, I could have cobbled something together after DC went to sleep. It crossed my mind, but I thought to myself it would be better to leave it, because I would really like him to realise it's best to plan these things with me beforehand instead of expecting me to come through with solutions unprompted, and also I was tired and wanted to watch YouTube in bed.

What's the general opinion here? Was I too harsh? Should I have made something and said to him 'next time please tell me what you want before your night shift'? Or was I right to let him 'learn this lesson'? There's a fine line between being cruel, and being cruel to be kind!

Start at you mean to go on, probably the wisest words ever spoken by women when it’s comes to this sort of thing.

If you want him to participate in the domestic burden and mental load of planning and thinking, then don’t do it for him. Which you’ve done and you’re point has been made.

Personally I would automatically make an extra portion of what I’m having without thinking about it, which my OH would thank me for. Or he would be happy to have an excuse to eat hot dogs, which he keeps as stash of for such occasions. He would never order a takeout as he’s too tight

@rayoflightboy

But why does it need two people to plan meals

Because sometimes its nice to ask other people what they fancy to eat.Also you can get a pain in your arse,having to think of dinners every night of the week.

Exactly. Planning meals, deciding what to buy, cooking it, balancing the household budget, trying to please others is all a mental load which typically women carry alone and is invisable and unappreciated by men, who benefit from it but choose not to ‘see it’ and even tut, groan and eye roll when you try and include them even when it’s for their own pleasure ie. what they want you to cook for them

Asking him what he wants is not on unless you're asking what he wants to make. If you're cooking you decide and he can like it or lump it. Also, if you're wrangling toddlers for 12 hours or more a day it's not unreasonable to let him know that you clock off housework at 8.30 (except for dealing with dcs of course).
So a freezer stock of stuff that he can heat up himself when he gets home. And NO complaining

People on MN are so quick to shout “1950s!!!” With no context whatsoever

The context is a man who had all morning to organise something, does sod all outside paid work, has refused offers from the OP then still whinges that the OP after a much longer day won't leap out of bed with his pipe and slippers to prepare an ad hoc menu for him.

Struggling to see any excuse for him in this. Also depressing how few people acknowlegde that its a fundamental parenting fail not to be able to prepare food.

I get this OP because my DH is similar. I plan and will ask him questions like whether he'd like anything added to the shopping lift or what he'd like for dinner and he acts like he couldn't possibly think about it in advance.

So if your DH is being like that then it might help him to learn why we need to plan ahead!

YANBU.

Your family is set up so that you care for the children (toddler twins is pretty full on) while DH goes to work- your responsibility is childcare. It is not your responsibility to do all of the family thinking, plus telepathy. Of course it's unreasonable for your picky-sounding husband to expect you to intuit what he fancies for dinner and have it ready for him- he is a grown-up, he can use his words, and if he wants dinners made for him he can take part in conversations where food orders are planned.

If he's working late, he presumably starts late. If he sleeps late and you have an early start, he shouldn't begrudge you going to bed early. If he gets up with you, the family morning workload could be shared so that one of you gets some dinner cooking for later that night and the other does the child-wrangling.

Personally I would automatically make an extra portion of what I’m having without thinking about it

The OP didn't have an evening meal, so that was a big bowl of fuck all. Hence the problem!

@CeibaTree

Everything needs to be planned down to the minute, that's the only way things stay working here!

But why does it need two people to plan meals? I think from your posts you are the one who does most of the shopping and cooking (forgive me if I'm wrong) so just make a meal plan if that's what you are into, and then he can eat what he is given or have some toast - but you must know his likes and dislikes. I get that this is 'wife work' though, but if that's the role (shopping and cooking) that you are currently responsible for, just get on with it on your own :)

It needs two people to plan meals if one of them is fussy and 'doesn't fancy' what's been bought and cooked. If he was happy to eat whatever had been made earlier for the family he wouldn't need to contribute to planning, but he isn't happy with that.

Op. Completely reasonable
If as you say you aren't cooking for yourself anyway , why plan for him if he won't do it for himself or even engage with you when you ask him about it.
Eye rolling in response to your questions about planning meals is what I'd expect from a teenager not a husband .

Maybe next time he will answer when whe you want to discuss what to do about evening meals ( particularly if you wouldn't be cooking yourself something otherwise )

@SuckingDownDarjeeling

I wish I'd used the desktop site and enabled voting, I can bet the result would be as close as the Brexit referendum. I'm still no closer to knowing if I was too mean or not! I have to say though it is comforting knowing at least some people would have done the same, or at least think I'm not a total cow. And I'm about to take the DC on a walk to the shops to get ingredients because... I now know what DH wants to eat tonight! Hallelujah**

Looks like it worked op. Sounds good to me

To all those who say they'd be so sad to come home from a late shift to no dinner, would you also roll your eyes if your partner asked what you wanted? Or would you say 'That would be lovely, thanks. I'm not fussy.' or 'Can you make me something on toast please?'

So he had several options of things to put in the oven that were all easy to do - so what on Earth was it he was grumbling about? He claimed he was too tired to put something in the oven!

He claimed he was too tired to put something in the oven!

Surprised he isn’t expecting the OP to cut up his food for him...

He didn't have to roll his eyes. That's really crappy.

This thread has inspired me to talk to DP about meals as we’ve started living together relatively recently. We decided that we will just do our own thing usually but will offer to cook the other food when we feel like it as a nice gesture. He’s currently cooking yay. We don’t have children so have the luxury of independence I suppose. Thanks OP for bringing this up as I too am an anxious planner whereas DP doesn’t mind shopping last minute etc. You might have saved our relationship

@Regretsy that genuinely made me smile I'm very glad to hear it. And all the best for your new lives together!

DC asleep, I'm making a quick stir fry, then going to watch YouTube in bed

Lovely @SuckingDownDarjeeling enjoy! I recommend the new supernanny USA on channel 4 online if you’re not too toddlered out!

[quote SuckingDownDarjeeling]@Regretsy that genuinely made me smile I'm very glad to hear it. And all the best for your new lives together!

DC asleep, I'm making a quick stir fry, then going to watch YouTube in bed [/quote]
Glad you've got it sorted now - hope that he "gets it" and keeps it up.

HOWEVER - if he refuses to eat the stir fry when he comes in (it's not the best thing for reheating, IMO), then let that be the last time you do such a meal for him.

Him being fussy is all well and good when he's around, but it doesn't sound like you have the funds to be wasting food any more than getting takeaways - so there's no point you prepping him a meal that he then doesn't eat.

As others have mentioned, slow cooked stew type food that reheats easily and well, or risotto (if he'll eat that), baked potato etc. are all easy options in a microwave. So are frozen microwave meals! But for heaven's sake don't be getting anything OUT of the freezer in readiness for him, again in case he "doesn't fancy it" and it goes to waste. He's GOT to be capable of opening the freezer door and choosing what to have and then microwaving it, surely? I mean, if he needs that much guidance, then leave him a note or something but I'd be in despair if I was married to someone who couldn't fecking work it out for themselves!

As for all the "unkind" comments from the doormat types - oh do fuck off. Kindness doesn't get respect from partners, it gets more treatment like doormats.

Thank you @ThumbWitchesAbroad . It's very reassuring to see that it wouldn't be unreasonable for him to put a frozen meal into the microwave himself after work. For me, the 'bother' of cooking is in the prep work, so I don't think I'd mind putting something in the oven or microwave at the end of a long day in DH's shoes. I've done it before! I know I got flamed for it by a poster earlier on in the thread but I still think that kindness doesn't mean handing someone everything on a silver platter. That's a great way to set someone up for massive disappointments in life. As well as them expecting the same treatment from others and then making others miserable. Children or not, why enable it!

I used to save a plate for my husband who would get home later. He resented it. Felt I should cook a second time just for him.
I never folded.

I'm not a cafe so would just cook what I'm cooking if hes on plates I'd save some and he would do the same for me.....you could do extra and freeze

I dont think YWBU or harsh; but I hardly ever ask DH what he fancies for dinner. He - essentially - gets what he's given. Kids included. Unless he requests something in particular during the week and I'll make that.
In your case; I'd make something for DC and myself and save him a plate in the oven. He can either heat it up or go without!

This morning me and adult DS
Me What are your plans tonight I’m asking re making dinner
DS. I’ve no idea what I’m doing
Me. Let me know by lunchtime please

Phone rings at 5.01pm
DS what’s happening about dinner
Me. Nothing as you didn’t get back to me , there’s stuff around you can sort yourself

Prediction
When he arrives home whatever I’m doing will be interrupted around some kind of discussion about his food.

He’s moving out in the not too distant future when he will realise just what a royal, never ending pain in bum dinner is 🙄

Sorry YANBU one bit I could never live with a man again for just this kind of issue

I get your point but it just seems unkind to me, you are a family and it seems mean to not have just made an extra portion of whatever you ate and left that for him. Especially as you say money isn’t exactly flowing, surely it’s better all round just to cook and leave for him.