DH's dinner lesson

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

Semi-lighthearted -

TL;DR, was I being mean to let DH cook for himself after work?

Today DH worked a late shift, coming home well after 9pm. This is the first time this has come about since having DC, but it'll be the first of many late shifts to come.

In the run up to him starting these shifts, I (being the anxious nag that I am) regularly asked him 'what would you like to do about dinner when you're working lates?' However, every time I asked, I got eye rolls and essentially a 'let's cross that bridge when we get there' response.

So tonight he came home and told me how starving he was. After asking me if I had made anything, and looking sufficiently forlorn, he started toying with the idea of ordering a takeaway. I urged him not to, as money isn't exactly flowing and we have things in the fridge that take about 25 mins to cook. He said he was too tired to go and put something in the oven.

In the end my pleas worked and he opted to go and put something in the over for himself. But he did so grudgingly, telling me how hungry and tired he was.

So let me be clear, I could have cobbled something together after DC went to sleep. It crossed my mind, but I thought to myself it would be better to leave it, because I would really like him to realise it's best to plan these things with me beforehand instead of expecting me to come through with solutions unprompted, and also I was tired and wanted to watch YouTube in bed.

What's the general opinion here? Was I too harsh? Should I have made something and said to him 'next time please tell me what you want before your night shift'? Or was I right to let him 'learn this lesson'? There's a fine line between being cruel, and being cruel to be kind!

So OP didn't eat any dinner? Or she purposefully made something for herself and the kids knowing it would not stretch to 4? This is so mean spirited. Ffs. What it boils down to it that your dh worked a late shift and rather than be kind and loving to him, even if he didn't give you a bloody meal request, you decided to teach him a lesson after a long day. This is spiteful. I would be gutted if husband treated me like this but then maybe there is more give and take in my marriage than OPs. My husband has come home late, after a long week working away, when I've told him I would leave him a plate for him when he gets in if he's hungry and he has assured me he would eat in the airport only for him to come home and not have eaten but be hungry and I've still managed to make him some beans on toast/baked potato or similar whilst he's in the shower because to me that's whats a marriage and being part of a team is about.

@Happynow001

Is this thread like the "Cancel the cheque" thread I've seen mentioned a few times? 😁

Yes, yes it is.

Reminds me of a friend who doesn't like to 'plan too far ahead' either and has therefore missed out on a good few trips away for the weekend. Planning ahead is just sensible but if he doesn't want to do it, it is not your responsibility to magic something up when he wants it. To be fair, if I weren't cooking at all I'd not do anything for his dinner at all either. He can plan something the night before and doesn't need a woman to do it for him. I work with loads of men and women in a shift working environment and they can all plan their meals without needing their mums or wives to do it for them.

BTW ignore those posters who are saying it's mean of you not to plate up the dinner they assume you were making as they seem not to have understood what you said in your first post about basically having offered to do this and got a slightly mocking response from your OH!

@FuckPolitenessSSDGM no... I didn't eat any dinner.

I do eat. I just haven't been very well recently.

I have had many rows with dh over the years in which I’ve basically said “I don’t mind doing all the work but I need you to do half the THINKING”.

I’ve found the menopause very helpful because my brain is completely fried, and he’s realised he’s going to have to start using his brain instead of mine.

"I don’t mind doing all the work but I need you to do half the THINKING"

Yes yes yes a thousand times yes. This is exactly how I have been feeling. Can I borrow your brain? You're better at phrasing things than me.

Well good luck to you OP. I sincerely hope these little lessons and point scoring exercises don't come back to bite you on the arse

So OP didn't eat any dinner? Or she purposefully made something for herself and the kids knowing it would not stretch to 4?

No she didn't eat any dinner. She didn't purposely make anything for her and the kids knowing it wouldn't stretch to 4.

Instead of asking him what he would like for dinner why not make a couple of suggestions and see which one you BOTH decide would be preferred. Choose dishes that can be prepared earlier so that you can quickly reheat them or use a slow cooker. Working late is really draining so , yes, I do think that you were too harsh trying to ‘teach him a lesson’.

I remember this scenario. Many moons ago when I was capable of work and was also married. I used to to on call after hours too. I’d offer to cook food if he was on a late and he refused then moaned when there was nothing. I prepared a full meal like a lesagne that just needed to be finished off by him and leave some for me and the freezer - he’d eat the bloody lot! I’d crawl in after doing 16 odd hours for a few hours of on call at home to nothing!
There’s no answer and no pleasing some people.
Can he eat at work and take a ‘ping‘ meal in with him and a snack when he’s home?

I'm really not sure why you can't have a conversation with your DH before he goes to work 'do you want me to put anything on for you later or will you sort yourself out?' I've got twins and yes, you're right, routine is vital, but it has to take the whole family's needs into account. They won't be two forever. In short I don't think you were wrong to not sort something out this time, but maybe get more organised in future - both of you.

I'm really not sure why you can't have a conversation with your DH before he goes to work 'do you want me to put anything on for you later or will you sort yourself out?'

In the run up to him starting these shifts, I (being the anxious nag that I am) regularly asked him 'what would you like to do about dinner when you're working lates?' However, every time I asked, I got eye rolls and essentially a 'let's cross that bridge when we get there' response.

@SuckingDownDarjeeling So... you usually cook for him AND make his lunch AND you are perfectly happy to cook his dinner after his late shift... but every time you have asked his meal preferences or wanted to have a basic chat about how best to cater for him, he just rolled his eyes and disengaged.

Then he came home, expecting you to have cooked for him?

No. You are not being unreasonable to have left him to it.

You weren’t being unkind. You sound like quite a thoughtful person, based on your post and replies.

Hope he now realises that a bit of communication goes a long way.

When asked what he’d like to do about late meals... exactly how hard can it be for him to say:

“Oh yeah... thanks for thinking of me- I’d love x, y, z...”

or “I’m not sure but I’ll drop you a text in the afternoon.”

For everyone saying you are being difficult, I think they’ve missed the point.

It’s his inability to acknowledge your communication with an ounce of kindness or respect that’s the real problem.

You’re the one trying to do something for him... and he thinks you’re being annoying by asking for a bit of input?

At this stage I’d be ordering myself a takeaway pizza and leaving him the crusts

Thankfully, the day after 'the incident', DH gave me some great answers for what he'd like after his late shifts, I've since been out and bought what I need, he had dinner last night and dinner is in the overnight for tonight, and I've been assured that if I ask again a few days beforehand, he'll work with me to come up with ideas. All in all, I'd say we're a lot more organised now

Overnight = oven 

@MacBlank , the OP gave him opportunity to ask for dinner, he didn't and she isn't a mind reader.

@MacBlank actually I think you might be my ex 😂 thanks for the laugh, I needed that.

@MacBlank

WOW, what a bitch. You sure you're not my ex.

I mean, I got no problem in the kitchen, a meal for 2 or a meal for 30, no probs, and no it won't be spag bol from a jar!

You grazed so weren't hungry. In other words, you'd finished off the kids food, and ate crap all day, so come time for him to come home from work, of course you weren't hungry.

Rather than think, he must be tired from working late, and doing him something simple to microwave. You decide, fuck him, let him cook himself.

You sure you even love him? No I'm serious.

Bloody hell. Talk about OTT.

Oh my god, is this thread still going?

If one more person says, “could t you have plated up whatever you had for dinner..,?” Well, that”s it.

Firstly - that phrase makes me want to vomit. I don’t know why - an image if some gross, slobbering individual ladling some vile sloppy mashed potato and gravy in some dingy brown frowsy kitchen comes to mind.., Please stop!! Some phrases need to be banned from English.

Secondly, there was NOTHING TO “PLATE UP” THANK GOD (BLEURGGH)

OP, what is need to know now, is why you are taking sandwiches to his workplace? Has he heard of cafes?

MacBlank making a bigger leap than skippy on steroids and projecting harder than an Odeon employee on Avengers opening weekend.

I mean, I got no problem in the kitchen, a meal for 2 or a meal for 30, no probs, and no it won't be spag bol from a jar!

Maybe you could cook for the OP's husband? Then everyone would be happy!

Wouldn't want him.to be disappointed after with the next day's choice! 😎

@Capr1 the phrase makes me wretch too I imagine the gruel from Oliver Twist.

The past few days I've been going for long afternoon walks with DC (trying to shift some lockdown weight) and a couple of times I called him up and asked if he wanted a sandwich and to say hi to DC. They love to see him at work. It's certainly not going to be a regularly planned occurrence (I hope!). Incidentally, when I saw him today, one of his colleagues was telling me how miffed she was that the salad she'd made herself for her dinner had gone off in the heat, so she's going to have fish and chips at work. She finishes the same time as DH. I can only imagine she will cite 'had to make own salad' as her reason for divorce.

I do not get this compulsion that so many have on MN to drop everything in order to feed hungry men, and to berate any woman that's seen as letting a man go hungry. Even for a second, even if he's as capable as she is of shoving a meal in the freezer. Hungry man, sound the alarms!

Man refuses to say what he wants to eat and then acts forlorn that wife hasn't read his mind? Clearly mean wife doesn't love him. Man eats a lasagna that's supposed to feed four? Naggy wife should stop complaining and realise that he's probably starving after his busy busy working day. Man sits with his feet up expecting to be catered to while partner runs around after six kids under five including a colicky newborn? Oh don't be so precious, OP, surely you can rustle up a quick risotto, I was cooking five-course dinners for my poor hubby after he got home from his 9-5 working day and never once complained that I'd given birth the day before, tut tut tut.