DH's dinner lesson

[SuckingDownDarjeeling]

Semi-lighthearted -

TL;DR, was I being mean to let DH cook for himself after work?

Today DH worked a late shift, coming home well after 9pm. This is the first time this has come about since having DC, but it'll be the first of many late shifts to come.

In the run up to him starting these shifts, I (being the anxious nag that I am) regularly asked him 'what would you like to do about dinner when you're working lates?' However, every time I asked, I got eye rolls and essentially a 'let's cross that bridge when we get there' response.

So tonight he came home and told me how starving he was. After asking me if I had made anything, and looking sufficiently forlorn, he started toying with the idea of ordering a takeaway. I urged him not to, as money isn't exactly flowing and we have things in the fridge that take about 25 mins to cook. He said he was too tired to go and put something in the oven.

In the end my pleas worked and he opted to go and put something in the over for himself. But he did so grudgingly, telling me how hungry and tired he was.

So let me be clear, I could have cobbled something together after DC went to sleep. It crossed my mind, but I thought to myself it would be better to leave it, because I would really like him to realise it's best to plan these things with me beforehand instead of expecting me to come through with solutions unprompted, and also I was tired and wanted to watch YouTube in bed.

What's the general opinion here? Was I too harsh? Should I have made something and said to him 'next time please tell me what you want before your night shift'? Or was I right to let him 'learn this lesson'? There's a fine line between being cruel, and being cruel to be kind!

Well I’m glad to hear you’re not traipsing to his work with twins in tow and sandwiches because he’s asking you to. That would actually be ridiculous. And I say that as one with a “can’t cook / won’t cook” DH.

Oh dear. Someone hasn’t read the original post properly. You missed the point entirely.

Luckily her husband isn’t as nasty and immature as you... instead of calling her a bitch (classy!) he has actually said what he’d like to eat in order for her to cook it.

I imagine he’d feel sorry for you if he could read your comment.

It’s hard to feel annoyed by you when all I feel is pity.

Go and cook yourself some superior spaghetti and chill out.

I don’t know how long you’re together either you’d partner but you’ll find doing something as simple as making enough for the two of you when you’re cooking and leaving a late for your partner when he comes in will go an awfully long way towards getting along and fostering a good relationship

If he has an issue with what you cook, then by all means have a go at him to let you know what he wants.

I’m sorry but my opinion was you were quite uncaring and not supportive of him. Presumably he’s out working to earn money to support you all and you can’t Even leave him any food when he comes in hungry and tired from working a late shift? Really?

Put yourself in his shoes.

@AdoreTheBeach I already cancelled the cheque.

It will get a bit easier as the children get older then they will eat the same and you will have time to cook.
The other option for now is when you do cook for home do an extra portion and freeze then he has options on days you're too tired or don't was to.

@GoldenOmber

🤣🤣😂!!

@Crosswithlifeatm I was just thinking similar thoughts about when they're older. They're already very helpful even so small, so I can easily imagine us all cooking together in a couple of years. I don't think things will be this fraught forever, thank god. It's just, while things are like this, sometimes I really do feel like hiding under a rock. I don't have a lot of mental energy as it is, and I want to be able to focus on DC an making sure they're looked after. So for me, that meant asking DH to meet me halfway with the thinking. And despite the battle, I do feel it was worth it. It's just made things a little easier.

Only just saw this "Oh don't be so precious, OP, surely you can rustle up a quick risotto, I was cooking five-course dinners for my poor hubby after he got home from his 9-5 working day and never once complained that I'd given birth the day before, tut tut tut."

😂😂😂

You are making top many excuses, if you want to make your relationship to last you've got 2 choices, make something earlier in the day, you obviously knows what he likes, or batch cook and put in freezer (buy one if you haven't got one, no more excuses) and get it out of the freezer for when he comes home, whilst you lay in bed watching TV he can re heat it...good luck with your relationship

My husband hates meal planning too. Unless I actually say, "Well I did ask you but you didn't make a decision" he wouldn't think he was being unreasonable at all.

@alig99 I really do have to ask... do you genuinely believe that I am saying I'm not ever going to cook for DH when he's on a late shift? And if so, how on earth have you come to that conclusion? I would assume I worded it totally wrong, but most people seem to be able to reply to what I actually said, even when they don't agree with it.

God I’d just let him sort himself out!

If he didn’t have a wife he’d have to feed himself.

See that's an excellent point. I've talked to DH and even he believes that he could have been a bit more cooperative when I was planning. That doesn't mean I was necessarily right for not whipping something up after bedtime, although I'm so glad I didn't to be honest, but if I had done nothing to effect change and never spoken to him about it, he would be totally oblivious. He wasn't being spiteful when he dismissed the conversation, he just couldn't see why it was important and the time, and I sincerely think he never would have done.

Sorry that last post was meant for @PotteryLottery

You are making top many excuses,

And you have not read about 99% of the thread.

@alig99

You are making top many excuses, if you want to make your relationship to last you've got 2 choices, make something earlier in the day, you obviously knows what he likes, or batch cook and put in freezer (buy one if you haven't got one, no more excuses) and get it out of the freezer for when he comes home, whilst you lay in bed watching TV he can re heat it...good luck with your relationship

Interesting... what exactly is it about his penis that stops him from making something in the mornings (when he's not working)? Or that prevents him from batch cooking at the weekend to put in the freezer?

Depends if you work. I don’t work but instead I do the lions share of shopping and cooking. In a situation like this I would do a Shepard’s pie or casserole - something that could be heated up and keeps well, or if I didn’t want to cook I’d make sure that there was a pizza or ready-meal curry to bung in the oven. He’s working, if you’re not out working then since you’re in anyway it wouldn’t hurt you to make sure that there’s some quick easy food ready.

Yabvu

Why were you 'handing him his lunch' at work earlier in the day?
If he was hungry enough he'd zap a few leftover chicken nuggets and cold pasta in the microwave, stir a bit of pesto into it and move on with his life.
He's lived with you for a good while, he must know you have peculiar eating habits. If he won't eat the Kids fodder then I think you are right to get him to take the lead on what he needs to do about food for himself on the late nights.

He is a grown man you don't have to feed him. If you cook something for yourself earlier do him a plate. Otherwise don't worry about it. He could always put something in a slow cooker in the morning or you could.

First of all I wanted to type "he is not a child, so please stop treating him like one", then after reading another of your posts OP, I realised that he does actually act like a child, and wants you to be his mummy as well as his wife! Like a previous poster I would ask him in the morning what he would like for his dinner, but before he gets a chance to reply I would say "please no more eye rolling, if you don't know the answer to the question, how do you expect me to?, and I will not be making anything for you when you come in hungry again as I get tired too, but I might roll my eyes". Having said all that, when he got home wanting a takeaway, I would have said I am not sure we can afford it, what do you think, then after you both had a very quick discussion, I would agree to the takeaway, but also point out that that can't happen everyday he works late!

Sorry OP just ignore my above post please, for some reason I thought that I had got to the end of the posts, when really I must have still been close to the start! I had got slightly tipsy on Prosecco earlier after a great celebration (can't say anymore, as it would be too outing), and that - when I don't usually drink at all - and with just over one hours sleep the night before, I completely missed the rest of your posts.
Anyway, it looks like you got the right results with your actions, and you have my total sympathy (but a bit of jealousy as well) with having the terrible Twos twice over, and at the same time!

I know it's a long thread, but sooooo many people commenting without reading it - why would anyone do that?! OP must have been wound up to screaming pitch.

Any empathy I might have felt for the shift worker evaporated with the report of the eyeroll, sorry. OP has held a firm sensible line and her DH has stepped up to grown-up status. Job done, I say.

It isn't only children who manipulate people through food issues!

If you don't work outside the home and are the one who does the food shopping I would get in some things that he could make in 5 minutes instead of 25: eggs, beans on toast, microwave meals, etc. And if you do cook a grownup meal cook it for four and put the leftovers in the fridge. Then leave him to heat up whatever he wants himself. If he thinks there will be nothing quick to eat at home he will start picking up a takeaway on the way home, and you will be even more annoyed than you are now.

Not a problem @Bl3ss3dm0m , congratulations on the big thing! And I've added Prosecco to my shopping list