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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can a man really love his step children as his own?

130 replies

luckoftheirish92 · 28/07/2020 18:06

Hi everyone. I have 2 children, 8 and 5 years old. DH has been in their lives since they were 4 and 1. They have no contact with their biological father. I am currently pregnant with my third and his first and I am wondering if his bond will change with my other two children when baby comes along. DH tells me that he loves my children as if they were his own, that they are his kids. He has been there through illness, taught them to ride bikes, wiped away tears and had tears of joy at nativity plays. I love him and love our family and that won't change, but wondering if others have been in a similar situation. Do men really love their step children as their own?

OP posts:

YgritteSnow · 28/07/2020 18:08

A few might but not many. I hope yours is one of them.

EducatingArti · 28/07/2020 18:10

I think it is entirely possible.
I don't have my own children. I have 2 nephews that I love immensely and can't imagine loving my own child more.
Of course I don't know what I would feel like if I did have my own though! I imagine it would be similar to having a second or subsequent child. You don't love the first one less because you have a second!

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 28/07/2020 18:13

Given that their dad isn’t in the picture to complicate matters and that he’s been in their lives since they were little and able to have a positive impact as a parent must make the bond he has with them much stronger than many.

I’ve heard many step mums on here say that they love their SDCs like their own, so I don’t see why he couldn’t, but nobody knows until their child is born how they will feel, so try not to preempt how it will work out.

GinDaddyRedux · 28/07/2020 18:14

@YgritteSnow

A few might but not many. I hope yours is one of them.

Why do you say "not many" so confidently? Do you have the stats?

I was raised since primary school age by my stepfather. So was my best mate as it happens (his stepfather from age of 8).

Both of us having amazing, loving fathers who claim us as their own without question.

I know Mumsnet loves to place a hierarchy around stepparents but there are loads of folk who just love the people they have in their life that they chose to be around. It doesn't need to have a "Who do you think you are?" geneaology and DNA dimension for true love to exist.

LST · 28/07/2020 18:14

Of course. One of my closest friend has 3 stepsons. They all idolise each other.

WeAllHaveWings · 28/07/2020 18:15

I don't think it matters if it is a woman or a man. I think they can love them enough when they are there in their lives everyday, but their own child will always be a bit different.

Does it really matter? As long as he does love them and treats them all fairly (age dependent) and the dc don't notice the difference.

But, that is my personal opinion, you will have someone along shortly with their own opinion and says they love their dog just as much as their child so it must be possible!!

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/07/2020 18:15

He doesn’t know how he’ll feel. No one ever does until they have their own.

Do your DC know he’s not their father?

TheFallenMadonna · 28/07/2020 18:17

My dad started as my step dad and became my adoptive dad. He says he feels no difference between me and my younger brother and sister (his biological children), and I love him like I love my (biological) mum.

GinDaddyRedux · 28/07/2020 18:17

@AnneLovesGilbert

He doesn’t know how he’ll feel. No one ever does until they have their own.

Do your DC know he’s not their father?

My stepfather knew how he felt before he had "his own". None of us feel any different to each other.

Generalist statements like this just continue to reinforce the "biological children > stepchildren" stuff that prevails on here.

MrsKoala · 28/07/2020 18:19

Yes. I think it’s possible. My friends dad is her half sisters step dad and no one really knows apart from very close friends. Their mum got with him when dd1 was 2 and then they had dd2 when dd1 was 4. He adopted dd1 the same time as his dd2 was born and proudly announced to friends that he was a father twice over. He has never treated them any differently and is a brilliant father to them both.

KezQueen · 28/07/2020 18:20

Mine said he did to my mum. Then when I moved out and had my own children it was as though a literal switch went off. Now I can see that it was a toleration so he had a roof over his head.

Sorry OP. My experience is based on reality, but I appreciate it is a cynical one.

elenacampana · 28/07/2020 18:20

Yes they can. A cousin of mine has a different biological father to his two younger siblings, they’re all in their 30s and 40s now. I didn’t even know they had different biological fathers until I was older because they’ve always been so close to each other and both of their parents. I don’t believe my uncle sees his older child (non bio) any differently to how he sees his two younger (bio) children. He has always been an excellent father to all three and showed unquestioning loyalty to all three also.

Libmama · 28/07/2020 18:23

I feel this is a subject I can answer honestly. My DS is 6. His biological dad has never been in his life and he sees my DP as Daddy. He calls him daddy 50% of the time and he’s been around since DS was 2. DP has always told me he sees DS as his own and nothing in his behaviour made me doubt that.
... Then we had DS2. 18 months ago. In that time DPs behaviour has sadly changed with DS1. He’s become less tolerant and obviously (in my opinion) loves DS1 less I think he now realises he doesn't love DS1 as his own now he’s got DS2 to compare that love too. Which is heartbreakingly sad for DS1.
This is a source of constant argument between us as I over compensate for it and am fiercely protective with DS1 and let him get away with far too much, but in my eyes he’s only 6 and he’s bloody amazing. He makes me proud every single day

GrumpyMiddleAgedWoman · 28/07/2020 18:23

I think they can.

My cousin married a single parent of one daughter, and they went on to have several DC together. He loved (still loves) all the (now adult) DC, made no distinction between the oldest and the rest, but never expected her to change her last name to his, out of respect for the fact that she might want to maintain a link to her father (who was not in the picture).

When she reached adulthood, she asked if she could use his last name, as he had been such a great dad to her.

He is an amazingly sweet, kind man, though.

FedUpofLockdown123 · 28/07/2020 18:28

I think so. My step dad loves me as his own he brought me up from the age of 2. I was an arsehole child and teenager to him but now we have a father/daughter relationship and he's more of a dad than my real dad. I'm probably closer to my step dad than his sons from a previous relationship are too.

Imissmoominmama · 28/07/2020 18:29

Yes.

I am a step child and DS1 is a step child. We are both loved immensely by our step fathers. I wouldn’t have tolerated anything less for DS. He’s now 32 and has a home of his own, and DH continues to love and care for him as much as he does our two.

DomDoesWotHeWants · 28/07/2020 18:30

Quite likely - or adoption wouldn't be a thing, would it?

D4rwin · 28/07/2020 18:36

My husband is a step son. Has a sister and half siblings. He has his Dad in his life but is very much 'the eldest' to his step dad. There is a bond there that is very much one of father/ son.

My husband his also a step dad. He acknowledges that my eldest have a dad but it's very much him that was there for school things, bike riding, first sleepovers, parties, dates. We also have our youngest together.
He always acknowledges the difference in that they have an other dad, as he feels himself. He does love them and has frequently shown his priority to be the welfare of all of his children. He says his bond to his two fathers is equal as are all the children.

backseatcookers · 28/07/2020 18:36

@DomDoesWotHeWants

Quite likely - or adoption wouldn't be a thing, would it?

This. I'm adopted and quite confident my parents love me as much as they would do if I shared their DNA. Whether I'm being an angel or a little shit

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/07/2020 18:42

I stand by no one knowing what it’s like to have your own children till they arrive. It doesn’t mean you don’t love step children as much, l believe some men and women do, but getting a child as a result of who you’re dating isn’t at all the same as getting one you chose to bring into the world before and from birth.

I love my step children. I don’t love them less now I have my own but I do love my own more. Love isn’t finite so I just have more love to give in general. I’ve known them since they were quite little but they have two parents and I’m a bonus parent figure. My daughter only has me and her dad. It’s a different relationship. She needs me in a way they don’t. I made her. If we’d adopted her she’d still be more mine than my step children are as DH and I would still be her only (day-to-day) mum and dad.

donquixotedelamancha · 28/07/2020 18:43

I've adopted twice. I'd walk through fire for my kids. It's daft to suggest that sharing DNA makes any difference unless the person differentiating is a dickhead.

backseatcookers · 28/07/2020 18:45

@donquixotedelamancha

I've adopted twice. I'd walk through fire for my kids. It's daft to suggest that sharing DNA makes any difference unless the person differentiating is a dickhead.

🙌🏻 🙌🏻 🙌🏻

doodleygirl · 28/07/2020 18:46

Yes they can. DH loves my DD like his own two.

Caryler · 28/07/2020 18:50

My stepdad has been in my life since my sister and I were pretty much the same age- 3 and 1. We don’t remember a life without him and although my bio dad is in the picture and a decent guy, my stepdad treats us as his own. He had more children with my mum and never once have I ever felt different. I call him dad, he always calls us his kids. If he does feel differently, I have never felt it!

RUOKHon · 28/07/2020 18:51

I think it’s much easier to love step children as your own if the other parent is completely out of the picture.

I love my step child but certainly not like I love my own two children. But then again, my step child’s mother is very much in the picture 50:50 with my DH, so it would be inappropriate for me to consider DSC ‘my own’, if you see what I mean.

If, for whatever reason, DSC’s mother disappeared from the picture, I’d find it easier to see them as ‘mine’.

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