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Original poster

Can a man really love his step children as his own?

130 replies

luckoftheirish92 · 28/07/2020 18:06

Hi everyone. I have 2 children, 8 and 5 years old. DH has been in their lives since they were 4 and 1. They have no contact with their biological father. I am currently pregnant with my third and his first and I am wondering if his bond will change with my other two children when baby comes along. DH tells me that he loves my children as if they were his own, that they are his kids. He has been there through illness, taught them to ride bikes, wiped away tears and had tears of joy at nativity plays. I love him and love our family and that won't change, but wondering if others have been in a similar situation. Do men really love their step children as their own?

OP posts:
backseatcookers · 28/07/2020 23:18

@TheBlessedCheesemaker

My parents have two full biological kids, and I was adopted. Without a shadow of a doubt I was loved and protected MORE than my brothers. My parents have said that they felt over-protective of me in a way they didn’t feel with their biological kids. x
I love this Thanks
BruthasTortoise · 28/07/2020 23:22

I have 2 DSSs and 3 DSs. I have raised my two DSSs from early childhood and love all of my children equally. I am their Mum as far as they and I are concerned.

MotheringShites · 28/07/2020 23:23

I don’t think anything can replicate the bond a biological parent has to their child. You don’t know it until you’ve experienced it. I remember thinking I could never love a child more than my niece - then I had my own babies.

That’s not to say you can’t have a wonderful, albeit different, relationship with other children. Just be realistic about your expectations of him.

frustrationcentral · 28/07/2020 23:24

@whiteroseredrose

Possibly. A colleague had a 3 year old when they married and then had a child with her DH.

When the subject of wills came up her DH was adamant that their estate be split equally between the boys as he never wanted is step son to feel as if he was loved less.

My DH is the same, there's absolutely no way he would have it any other way
backseatcookers · 28/07/2020 23:26

@MotheringShites

I don’t think anything can replicate the bond a biological parent has to their child. You don’t know it until you’ve experienced it. I remember thinking I could never love a child more than my niece - then I had my own babies.

That’s not to say you can’t have a wonderful, albeit different, relationship with other children. Just be realistic about your expectations of him.

My parents would beg to differ, I'm adopted and I genuinely they love me just as much as the would a biological child Smile
HolyForkinShirt · 28/07/2020 23:30

My dad became my dad when I was 18 months old approx. No contact with sperm donor.

I can honestly say I have never been treated any different to his bio kids.

He was at every sports day/ parents evening. Picked me up when drunk at parties when I was an awfully behaved teenager. More recently Has been amazing through my ex leaving me and financially sorted things for me.

He very often forgets he isn't my bio dad. (Recent medical problem in his bloodline and encouraged me to get checked also)

A few of friends have the same experience as I. Although they also has their bio dads absent through childhood.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 28/07/2020 23:32

I think it’s only when the relationship breaks down that you really see the truth in this. My ex was ds1’s “dad” day to day from age two to eleven or twelve. But that relationship didn’t survive our divorce. Even when he did still see him, once he wasn’t with me there was a real difference in how he treated the two boys, in fact I began to notice it as the relationship broke down - how he favoured ds2. So unfortunately you just never know. That’s not to say there aren’t some fabulous step parents out there.

HolyForkinShirt · 28/07/2020 23:42

@MotheringShites

I don’t think anything can replicate the bond a biological parent has to their child. You don’t know it until you’ve experienced it. I remember thinking I could never love a child more than my niece - then I had my own babies.

That’s not to say you can’t have a wonderful, albeit different, relationship with other children. Just be realistic about your expectations of him.

I really have to disagree.

My step dad is my hero. He has treated me exactly the same as my brother and sister (his bio kids)

He published a book recently and it was dedicated to his three children. His will is split 3 ways etc...

It's not everyone experience, but it's absolutely possible.

Tillygetsit · 28/07/2020 23:59

Mine does. We have 1 dc together and I had 2 by previous marriage when we met.
My eldest was a little wary to begin with but dh is very laid back and waited for him to come round.
He refers to dcs as his children and as exh is very flaky about contact etc, he provides a consistency.
There is no favouritism towards his own dd and it's one of the main reasons I love him.

Northernsoullover · 29/07/2020 00:03

My dad has been around since I was two. He even adopted us. I've been very lucky. I do have a half brother but the only time I ever think about it is when I see a thread like this. Normally I just see it as my complete family. No steps or half siblings.

Nighttown · 29/07/2020 00:51

Comparing it to adoption is silly. Though some step parents adopt their stepchildren, it’s not the norm. Parenting via adoption has involved the person desperately wanting a child, and undergoing a lengthy, frustrating, invasive approval process to assess their suitability, and thinking very hard about what they can offer a child, before they’re anywhere near a match.

A stepchild is most often a child who is only in the stepparent’s life because of their relationship with the child’s parent. Often there’s another involved biological parent. Often the step parent-child relationship does not survive the end of the relationship between step parent and biological parent. There’s seldom anywhere near the same purpose and commitment as with adoption — and in many cases it of course isn’t needed, as the child already has two parents they see.

choli · 29/07/2020 01:45

I’ve heard many step mums on here say that they love their SDCs like their own*
I've heard many in real life say that too.
The story usually changes rapidly when they have a child of their own .

howfarwevecome · 29/07/2020 02:07

My stepdad would have done anything for me and me sister. We were his as far as he was concerned.

trixiebelden77 · 29/07/2020 03:00

Imagine what kind of empathy deficit you’d need to have to come into a thread in which multiple people have shared that they are loved equally by their step parent and dismiss their experience because you know better.

CleanQueen123 · 29/07/2020 06:50

The person I call dad is technically my step father. You'd never know unless I told you.

He got together with my mother when I was 18 months old and they had my sister when I was 4.

He and his family have always treated me in exactly the same way as my sister and my cousins.

He's been an amazing dad and is now an amazing grandfather to my daughter.

In fact, I often say that out of the three parents I have, he's the most reliable. My biological father has been mostly absent and my mother is only helpful and supportive when it suits.

She ran off with another man when I was 16 and there was never any question of me not staying in the family home with my dad and sister.

However, I do think I'm probably in the minority and really hit the jackpot when it came to a step parent. So many of my friends have step parents and that is what they are.

user1493413286 · 29/07/2020 06:53

I think so; an important part being that they don’t have their dad in their lives so he has been their dad. I love my DSD differently to my DC but crucially for me she has a mum so I don’t need to love her like my own but like a step parent

Bluesheep8 · 29/07/2020 07:08

Mine does. I've got two Dads as far as I'm concerned.

SimonJT · 29/07/2020 07:58

Comparing it to adoption is silly. Though some step parents adopt their stepchildren, it’s not the norm. Parenting via adoption has involved the person desperately wanting a child, and undergoing a lengthy, frustrating, invasive approval process to assess their suitability, and thinking very hard about what they can offer a child, before they’re anywhere near a match.

In family adoption, NC with entire family and as childish as it sounds I genuinely hate the family member he is related to, I didn’t know the toddler existed, no desire to have a child, no real process of becoming approved at panel. Just literally dumped on me for six weeks of temporary care that I wasn’t particularly keen on providing.

StCharlotte · 29/07/2020 08:09

I think so. A friend of mine had two SD's. No children of his own. His wife left him and left her children with him. Seeing that little family get through the initial trauma and then flourish over the years was heartwarming.

(And your children's birth father has also proved that having your own isn't a guarantee of paternal love.)

QueenofmyPrinces · 29/07/2020 08:20

I imagine it will help that he’s known your children from when they were you young and they were the only children in his life up until now.

However, I have two children and if I met a man who had got young children I could never love them like my own. I’m sure I would think they were lovely, I would hopefully treat them all the same and
I’m sure after time I would love them, but it would never be the kind of love I have for my own children.

Like I said though OP, it may be different in your case because your children were the first on his scene and his biological baby came afterwards.

It’s understandable that you have these reservations but if your DH is as wonderful as you say then I’m sure everything will work out lovey for you all Flowers

Notredamn · 29/07/2020 08:23

No. But my children have their dads in their lives. DP has a good relationship with them though, and we're a blended family. Equally I couldn't love someone else's children like my own, I just know I couldn't.

SusanneLinder · 29/07/2020 08:29

My husband's is a step dad ( although he hates that because he is just their Dad). Been together since my 2 girls were young. Sperm donor isn't in the picture. We have our own DD also. They are all sisters, he is Papa to his grandchildren and he would fight tooth and nail for all his girls. If there is a difference, I can't see it and neither can they. He was proud Dad when he walked his girls down the aisle.

labyrinthloafer · 29/07/2020 08:31

@MotheringShites

I don’t think anything can replicate the bond a biological parent has to their child. You don’t know it until you’ve experienced it. I remember thinking I could never love a child more than my niece - then I had my own babies.

That’s not to say you can’t have a wonderful, albeit different, relationship with other children. Just be realistic about your expectations of him.

Do you have step or adopted children?

If not, you honestly don't know - a niece is not remotely the same.

HookShot · 29/07/2020 08:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

WaterOffADucksCrack · 29/07/2020 11:23

My stepdad didn't bring me up but he still loves me as his own. He's very involved with my children and we have a really strong relationship.

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