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AIBU?

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Original poster

Can a man really love his step children as his own?

130 replies

luckoftheirish92 · 28/07/2020 18:06

Hi everyone. I have 2 children, 8 and 5 years old. DH has been in their lives since they were 4 and 1. They have no contact with their biological father. I am currently pregnant with my third and his first and I am wondering if his bond will change with my other two children when baby comes along. DH tells me that he loves my children as if they were his own, that they are his kids. He has been there through illness, taught them to ride bikes, wiped away tears and had tears of joy at nativity plays. I love him and love our family and that won't change, but wondering if others have been in a similar situation. Do men really love their step children as their own?

OP posts:
MadameMeursault · 28/07/2020 22:35

My friend’s stepdad does. She calls him dad and he gave her away at her wedding, even though she still sees her biological father. They have an incredibly strong bond. He came into her life when she was 6, and he went on and had another child with her mum which didn’t change anything. Your DH sounds lovely OP, I’m sure you’ll all be a very happy family together.

Itsjustabitofbanter · 28/07/2020 22:41

For all those comparing adoption to this situation, it’s so not the same thing

anothernewyear · 28/07/2020 22:42

My step (hate that word)father came into my life when I was one. My parents separated for around a year when I was 7. He paid maintenance for me and had me at weekends. No contact with my biological father.
They got back together, married and had two children together. I have never been treated differently to my siblings. He always been my father.

Swirlyceiling · 28/07/2020 22:43

DB loves his stepson dearly. Idolises him and thinks he is amazing. His real dad has never been in the picture.

But DB does have a biological son who is a few years younger and says he loves them differently.
Loves them both huge amounts but it is his DS that his keeping him staying in his toxic marriage, not DSS.
Doesn't want to leave his biological son and be a part-time dad to him.

isthisyearoveryet · 28/07/2020 22:44

I always think about this. But OH always talks about DS as his own so I'm guessing he does.

Flipsockflop · 28/07/2020 22:45

My stepdad has been in my life for 30 years since I was 8, he loves me and has given me the same financial support as he has given my sister and brother (they are his biologically). However he definitely feels differently towards them than to me, I love him dearly so I’m not saying it from a place of bitterness.
I actually think he favours my sister over our brother so maybe it’s a favourite child thing rather than a stepchild thing.

I have my own 2 children and if I were to divorce their father and take on a step child I cannot imagine that the love id feel for it would be the same as I’d feel for my own. I think it would be the love you have for a family member that isn’t your immediate family, maybe?!

chubbyhotchoc · 28/07/2020 22:46

No. I don't think so. I think it's possible to be very fond of step children but love is a stretch and certainly not like your own.

Flipsockflop · 28/07/2020 22:47

Oh and to add to my last post he does say he has 3 children, never 2 children and a stepdaughter.

Beekeeper1 · 28/07/2020 22:55

Easy to answer, in principle, for me - I adore and dote on my stepdaughter, regard her as my own daughter, will always love, support, guide, protect and provide for her, within my means and capabilities, give her a helping hand financially when she is older, always be a friend as well as a step parent and do whatever I humanly can to help her navigate life.

I have no biological children of my own, but sincerely hope that, were my partner and I to have children, nothing would change in respect of my feelings and attitude toward my stepdaughter, she would be no less significant or loved than my own.

Wilberforce1 · 28/07/2020 22:59

I always thought so because my stepdad always told me I was his daughter just as much as my sister who was his biological daughter, he said he loved us exactly the same.

Just before lockdown he asked me to sign a document for his will and then decided to tell me he was leaving 70% to my sister and 30% to me, he has obviously never loved me like his own daughter and yes I'm still pissed off after all of these month!!!

Yeahnahmum · 28/07/2020 23:00

I think he can/could love them as his own . However once his own flesh and blood will be born, he will have different feelings for this child. But imagine the situation in reverse: so would you.

Leobynature · 28/07/2020 23:00

The difficulty with this is that many of the step fathers in question are with the said partners and living with the step children. I wonder how many step fathers who after separating from the partner still maintain contact and financial support of their ‘step’ children who they raised as their own. I don’t believe theirs many men who will maintain contact with the step child after the relationship has broken down like a biological father would.

ChloeCC · 28/07/2020 23:04

I don't believe anyone really feels the same about step children as they do about their own. I am a step child and a parent. My step mother doesn't love me like she does her daughter (and nor do I expect her to) and I wouldn't love any step child like I love my own children. However, I would happily be proved wrong.

5plus3 · 28/07/2020 23:05

My DP adores my DC. He refers to then as his and does everything and more that a dad does. We went through a rough patch last year and he was absolutely adamant that, if we split, he was having the kids regularly. 2 out of 5 even said they'd go with him if he moved out. I think it totally depends on the man

cheeseislife8 · 28/07/2020 23:06

Yes, absolutely. My childhood best friend has a wonderful stepfather, who has been at every achievement and important event, raised and supported her and her DSis from an early age and is the first person she calls in a crisis in her 30s. It can happen

1Micem0use · 28/07/2020 23:06

@HookShot if you dont mind me asking how did that even happen? The family friends mother dating and finding a serious longtime relationship whilst pregnant/with a newborn?
I've been single since early pregnancy, and quite frankly I cant think of anything I would've liked to do less than date whilst growing a human, and I dont understand how logistically she could've had the time to date whilst caring for a newborn.

1Micem0use · 28/07/2020 23:07

Just to be clear, I'm not judging, and I've heard of this happening before. I'm just like... how?

Singlebutmarried · 28/07/2020 23:07

My dad did and still does.

TheBlessedCheesemaker · 28/07/2020 23:07

My parents have two full biological kids, and I was adopted.
Without a shadow of a doubt I was loved and protected MORE than my brothers. My parents have said that they felt over-protective of me in a way they didn’t feel with their biological kids. x

thepeopleversuswork · 28/07/2020 23:15

The point about the role of the biodad is a good one: I have a DD who is 9 and a boyfriend (who I don't live with). He's not her stepdad and may never be her stepdad -- I'm not sure we will ever life together and we have deliberately kept contact at a low enough level that my DD doesn't feel he's being imposed on her.

I've noticed, though, that there's a direct correlation between the quality of my daughter's relationship with my by and the part her dad plays. Her dad was abusive and has serious mental health problems and is in and out of her life. Despite this she still loves him very much but when he's on the scene (usually for short bursts of time) her attitude towards my by deteriorates.

cinders222 · 28/07/2020 23:15

Yes, I adopted my little girl and I could not love someone as much as I love her although we share no DNA

thepeopleversuswork · 28/07/2020 23:15

bf not by. D'oh

anothermansmother · 28/07/2020 23:16

Definitely my dad (step) moves in with us when we were all teenagers and really difficult and refers to us as his children, dotes on us and my children.
My friends dad (step) is the same and even after his mother died he officially adopted them and even now idolises them.

frustrationcentral · 28/07/2020 23:17

DH is DS1's step dad. He's been in his life since he was two and we've lived together as a family since he was 3 and a half. DS2 was then born two years later.

DH dotes on DS1, very much calls him his son, very involved in his life - as much as I am - so goes to parents evenings etc, is always on the rugby sidelines cheering him on.

Does he love him as much as DS2? I don't know. It's tricky to see, DS1 has always been a mum's boy , DS2 has always been a dads boy, so I'd say DS2 and DH have a closer relationship because of that, which I think distorts my view of it. I think I'm always aware of how DS1 feels and I'm very protective of him. I know that whatever DH feels, he never shows a difference between them and would be devastated if he did appear to not show as much love to DS1 as DS2

natashalawblaws · 28/07/2020 23:17

Like with everything there is no one answer. It may be great or it may change when he will have his own DCs. Perhaps not immediately.
My personal experience was that it all appeared to be "love" while I was on my own (and definitely to win my mum over, perhaps unconsciously) but when biological DCs arrived I was the odd one out. In my experience it was inevitable that I was interfering with his ideal family dream.
I think that early in life the sacrifices are relatively small so it is easier to be all inclusive and treat all as equal, but when DCs are older and the demand on parents change, cracks do appear. But not always of course.