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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can a man really love his step children as his own?

130 replies

luckoftheirish92 · 28/07/2020 18:06

Hi everyone. I have 2 children, 8 and 5 years old. DH has been in their lives since they were 4 and 1. They have no contact with their biological father. I am currently pregnant with my third and his first and I am wondering if his bond will change with my other two children when baby comes along. DH tells me that he loves my children as if they were his own, that they are his kids. He has been there through illness, taught them to ride bikes, wiped away tears and had tears of joy at nativity plays. I love him and love our family and that won't change, but wondering if others have been in a similar situation. Do men really love their step children as their own?

OP posts:

lukasiak · 28/07/2020 18:59

My husband does, but I think it's a lot harder when the kids own father is in the picture. The same with stepmothers. My sd from my first marriage's mother has never been in the picture, and my bond for her far exceeds anything I feel for my current sd whose mother is very much involved.

StopGo · 28/07/2020 19:00

It's a rare step-parent that is truly able to embrace a step child as their own. My DSF was one of those people, none of my stepmothers were. Hope you've picked a good one.

StripeyDeckchair · 28/07/2020 19:01

DTs are 16
They call my partner Dad and there is no difference between how he treats them & how he treats DS & DD who are his children.
DTs have not had contact with their father for 12-13 years (his choice) and see partner as their Dad.

LazyDaisy10 · 28/07/2020 19:03

I wondered this, my dh has been in my ds life since he was 4 now 14. I know he loves him the same as our dd. He never treats them differently, does things with him without us and generally is just a great dad. My ds calls him dad, he calls him his son never stepson or stepdad although ds knows it's not biological dad. His biological dad isnt in the picture at all so that may make it easier but yes he definitely loves him the same as if he were his own

TheMumblesofMumbledom · 28/07/2020 19:05

My dh does, he refers to them as his children and there's nothing within reason he wouldn't do for them. He's a far better father than their biological, useless excuse for a father.

MorrisZapp · 28/07/2020 19:06

Absolutely. My step dad is my world! He's been there, grafting, cooking, loving, laughing and teaching us for over forty years. I adore my dad but my step dad is easier to chat to about personal stuff.

He's grandad to all our kids and he's as much of a parent as it's possible to be. He isn't with my mum any more but that changed nothing, he's still the rock of our lives. It's only in adulthood I truly appreciate all he did and does for us.

wifflewafflebiscuit · 28/07/2020 19:08

Yes it's possible. DH has a wonderful stepfather. He treats him the same as the two children that came after.

Casschops · 28/07/2020 19:08

OP I wonder if the answers from this could be extended to adoption too? Im an adoptive parent and obviously this question could be Do people love a child that they have no biological link with less than they would love a child with whom they are biologically linked? Im not acting all offended but I would like to known peoples thoughts. Might just start a thread.
In answer to your question I believe that yes they can and do frequently. I know families with step parents and adoptive parents with one biological child in addition to their adopted child. They love them in equal measure. I so think how you cpme to love them is different, with a biological child it is for some people there straight away as they have time in utero to bond. With an adopted or step child it grows and before you know it you can't think of your life without that child.

TheFormidableMrsC · 28/07/2020 19:13

I'm afraid I've had a negative experience of this and I am currently helping a friend who is going through same. My ex-h was a really loving stepfather for many years. When DD turned 13, we had a baby of our own, we'd been married for more than a decade. He absolutely turned on her. I had no idea about what was happening until he had an affair and left when DD was 15. Then it all came out (physical abuse, not sexual). He'd also been giving her "guilt" money after the assaults. It was horrendous and DD eventually had a breakdown and required professional help.

I am sorry to pass on my negative story but it is a perspective. However, I also know very very many happy families where there have been step-children and subsequent new babies and it's been very successful. I think that is the more likely scenario in your case. Could your DH consider adopting your children? That would be a lovely way to make your entire family "one"?

Coldspringharbour · 28/07/2020 19:15

Can any step parent love a step child as much as a birth child. I suppose it depends on the person, the children and the situation. I grew up with a step mother who didn’t like me at all. The child she went on to have with my dad was like the prodigal son. I could do no right.
@Caryler that’s so lovely and should the OP hope. Your step dad sounds lovely.

SimonJT · 28/07/2020 19:16

@donquixotedelamancha

I've adopted twice. I'd walk through fire for my kids. It's daft to suggest that sharing DNA makes any difference unless the person differentiating is a dickhead.

Same, but only one child at the moment.

Misscoffeecrazy3 · 28/07/2020 19:17

I think it depend on the situation. I have a SS who lives with us three days a week. His mam has him the rest of the time. We do have a bond but it definitely isn’t the same as the one I have with my two bio children even though we’ve been in each others lives for ten years. I don’t feel that he’s missing anything from me not seeing him a son and him not seeing me as a Mam. As a PP said, I’m an extra parent figure, he has two very present parents. Saying that if he didn’t have a Mam in the picture I think I would have felt much more like he was ‘mine’ and bonded with him as such. From what I know of other step parents in the same boat they feel the same as I do.

Misscoffeecrazy3 · 28/07/2020 19:18

I would liken my feeling for him as how I feel about my niece and nephew.

funinthesun19 · 28/07/2020 19:19

I think it’s much easier to love stepchildren as your own when the other parent isn’t around.

My brother loves his two stepchildren as his own, made easier by the fact that he is the only father figure they have. When I was a stepparent I didn’t love my ex’s child as my own (nowhere near), because the relationship between us was very very different to that what my brother has with his stepchildren.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/07/2020 19:21

It's a rare step-parent that is truly able to embrace a step child as their own. My DSF was one of those people, none of my stepmothers were. Hope you've picked a good one.

You can be a “good one” and treat the children the same even if you don’t love them the same.

Lots of people talking about how they were treated the same by their step parents as their half siblings, which is as it should be, but it doesn’t mean the step parent felt exactly the same about them.

OP is asking if he’ll love them the same, not treat them the same.

1Micem0use · 28/07/2020 19:23

My own SD was horrifically abusive, and now I'm no contact with both him, and my mother. They have a child together, and we were treated drastically differently. There was a big enough age gap that I was used as a nanny.
One of my university friends has an amazing SD who went on to have a child with her mum, and continues to this day to be fantastic.
So it takes all sorts.

Rtmhwales · 28/07/2020 19:30

I think I agree with other posters that it's usually easier if the biological parent isn't in the picture.

DP seems to love my DS the same as his two DC, DS's dad has never been in the picture.

My DSC spend 50/50 time with their parents. I treat them the same and am fond of them but definitely don't love them as much as my own child and I suspect future DC we may go on to have. Maybe it'll grow with time though.

ArnoldBee · 28/07/2020 19:30

As my husband would say stop finding problems where you haven't got any.
The proof will be in the pudding and to be honest as long as he doesnt treat your children badly it doesn't matter what he feels.

One2Three4Five6 · 28/07/2020 19:39

My stepdad took on 3 of us when he met my Mum, all varying ages, 2-12
He and my DM went on to have another 2 DC, and at literally no point have we 3 ever felt like his 'blood' DC were any different to us.
Honestly he is absolutely the best Dad in the world, and an amazing Grandad to mine and my sisters DC. He has been there for me in ways my bio father never was, and actually gave me hope that there are decent men in the world.
When people ask him how many children he has, he says 5. Not 3 step kids and 2 kids. Always 5, with no hesitation explanation.
So yes, it is possible that a man can love his stepchildren as much as his own.

Caryler · 28/07/2020 19:39

@Coldspringharbour thank you! He is! I love my biodad too, but I can call my stepdad about absolutely anything you would normally call a dad about and he is there in a flash.

I think since he’s gained grandchildren that bond has also been strengthened. I think he worries about his place amongst the grandparents, but the kids love him to death - and the eldest only realised the other day that he isn’t my biological dad (never hidden it but its also not obvious as we call both dads ‘dad’). He’s probably the favourite grandparent out of all 7 grandparents the kids have actually :)

I am aware that my case is a little less common but I hope it gives the OP some heart! Trust your partner’s words, I’m sure he loves the bones of your kids.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 28/07/2020 19:45

I don't have my own children. I have 2 nephews that I love immensely and can't imagine loving my own child more.

I would have said this 5 years ago about my nieces & nephews.

I absolutely love my two more/in a completely different way. They are part of me.

MsEllany · 28/07/2020 19:48

I think they can, or at least come close to it, but only if the bio dad isn’t in the picture.

I have a step son, I love him, but it’s not the same as the love I have for my own children. But then, I gave birth to them, that probably complicates things.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 28/07/2020 19:54

I think a lot depends on the attitude of the mother. If you marry a man he becomes stepDAD to your children. But many mothers set up barriers -- they are MY children, I will discipline MINE the way I see fit. He will deal with HIS Ex and HIS children.

A blended family should be truly blended. Physically, financially, emotionally, with a combination of love and respect that does not distinguish between biological relationships.

fantasmasgoria1 · 28/07/2020 19:54

I'm sure it can happen. However my fiance has a step son. Once he and his ex divorced he didn't see that much of his step son and has said to me although he felt affection for his dss it was nowhere near like the live he feels for his dd. He doesn't speak to his dss anymore because he refused to give him money and he received some very hurtful messages so he said that's it. There is a back story with his dss.

Helpimfalling · 28/07/2020 20:00

I personally couldn't love any as much as my own but everyone is different

He cant know as he has not had his own yet but i hope he does i really do

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