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Original poster

Can a man really love his step children as his own?

130 replies

luckoftheirish92 · 28/07/2020 18:06

Hi everyone. I have 2 children, 8 and 5 years old. DH has been in their lives since they were 4 and 1. They have no contact with their biological father. I am currently pregnant with my third and his first and I am wondering if his bond will change with my other two children when baby comes along. DH tells me that he loves my children as if they were his own, that they are his kids. He has been there through illness, taught them to ride bikes, wiped away tears and had tears of joy at nativity plays. I love him and love our family and that won't change, but wondering if others have been in a similar situation. Do men really love their step children as their own?

OP posts:
Helpimfalling · 28/07/2020 20:04

Adoption i feel is different

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/07/2020 20:04

I think it very often changes when their own child comes along whether male or female. Usually in the wider family too from what I’ve seen.

HowLongCanICallitBabyWeight · 28/07/2020 20:09

FIL is actually DHs step father, he's been in his life since he was two. DH is NC with his biological father, because he was a violent abusive twat who didn't want anything to do with DH. FIL and DH are so close, no one would imagine they aren't biologically related, they share interests, mannerisms, terrible sense of humour, DH is actually closer to him than he is his mum (they get on fine he's just closer to his step dad). FIL absolutely dotes on our DS and he is grandpa , no step, no nickname just grandpa. I agree with @Georgiagirl52 once MIL and FIL were clearly in it for the long haul and got married he took on an equal share of all the parental stuff, so a true bond was able to form, rather than MIL being the parent and FIL just being around

FortniteBoysMum · 28/07/2020 20:10

My mother and my brothers dad split when I was 14(my stepdad). Together since I was 6 months. He still calls me every week as I now live 150 miles away. Still comes up to stay and still insists he will be walking HIS Daughter down the aisle when she finally gets married. His my dad and always will be. My partner has raised my eldest since aged two. We have another son together and he swears after 12 years if we ever seperated he would take me to court for access to both kids if needed. My sons biological father is just like my biological..... F**King useless.

MrsKoala · 28/07/2020 20:17

My half sister’s step dad definitely loved her as much (actually more than) as his own children. When my sister got married our dad and her step dad walked her jointly down the aisle. The step dad paid for most of the wedding and my dad even thanked him in his father of the bride speech for being a brilliant dad to her.

possumgoddess · 28/07/2020 20:17

My OH came into my family when my children were grown up and left home. We don't have any children together. He has children of his own of a similar age to mine. I truly believe he loves my children as much as his own - even though, or maybe because, he didn't bring them up. He has always been there for them and they love him too. I know I am unbelievably lucky!

FudgeBrownie2019 · 28/07/2020 20:17

I think it can happen.

DH and I met when DS1 was 2. His Dad and I separated when he was under 6 months. I don't think DS really remembers much of life without DH being present, I don't think he knows any different.

However, DH is like a big butterball of love. If you chopped him in half there'd be goodness running through his veins; in over 12 years knowing him I've never seen him lose his temper, behave unkindly or harm anyone. So of course he adores DS1, of course he cherishes him, of course their relationship is lovely. That doesn't mean I would assume every step parent is like that, or that every child is as fortunate as DS1. Ex has married an incredible woman who DS1 adores. It is a fluke that DS1 has parents and step parents who all love the bones of him - I can't imagine so many children do. As a result DS1 is happy, kind and a truly lovely human.

I took a huge amount for granted when DS1 was younger - as I've got older and witnessed friends remarry and have step families I've realised just how much goodness, kindness and patience goes into being a wonderful step parent. DH is one in a million.

Original poster
luckoftheirish92 · 28/07/2020 20:22

So many heartwarming comments. Thank you everyone. My DH is a brilliant Dad!!!

OP posts:
Crystal87 · 28/07/2020 20:27

Yes they can. I had 3 kids when I met my DH and I had another baby very early on into the relationship. At the time of meeting him my youngest was only 7 months old so he very much raised her with me as he did my other children. He treats them all equally and doesn't give his own child preferential treatment. He tells me he loves them all the same and I believe him from the way he treats them.

coronabeer23 · 28/07/2020 20:27

I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever that my dad loves my step sisters as his own. They’re in their 40’s and he has been in their life since they were 2 and 4. At times he is shown preference for them over his own children

HookShot · 28/07/2020 20:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

wornoutmama1 · 28/07/2020 20:30

Yes.. I have a stepfather who treated me as his own and it didn't change when he had his own daughter with my mum.

Purplepie78 · 28/07/2020 20:33

I don’t know. I love my step daughter but not like I love my own. I’ve been in her life since she was 3. She’s now 30 odd!

PolloDePrimavera · 28/07/2020 20:38

My stepdad brought me up from the age of 4, he considers me his daughter, I consider him to be my dad. They didn't have any more children.

Flowers009 · 28/07/2020 20:43

Unless he raised them from a baby then no.

onesleep · 28/07/2020 20:43

Yes definitely. And in fact I think it will strengthen his bond with them as he realises truly what it is like to be a parent. I appreciated my nieces and nephews so much more after having my own. Different but hopefully you know what I mean.

whiteroseredrose · 28/07/2020 20:44

Possibly. A colleague had a 3 year old when they married and then had a child with her DH.

When the subject of wills came up her DH was adamant that their estate be split equally between the boys as he never wanted is step son to feel as if he was loved less.

Dylaninthemovies1 · 28/07/2020 22:07

My brother did. He was 19 when he met his wife. She was 21 with a 5 year old.

As soon as he turned 21 he married his wife and they adopted her daughter together.

She’s now a woman in her 30s, and throughout her childhood and beyond, he has adored her and looked after her, just as he does his biological daughter

AlmostAJillSandwich · 28/07/2020 22:25

Personally no, i think step parent, adoptive parent, and biological parent relationships are all different.

RUOKHon · 28/07/2020 22:25

Adoption is not the same. It’s not so much a question of biological/non-biological, it’s more to do with your role and how it’s shaped by the dynamic of the relationship.

Why would I love a child who already has a loving mother in the same way as I love my own children, who only have me as their mother? My children need me for love, comfort, survival when they’re tiny, I have to meet all their emotional needs (as does their dad)... just the same as an adopted child. The bond is intense and strong.

I can offer love, support, comfort and kindness to DSC, but they don’t particularly need it from me because they already get plenty of that from their mum and dad. And when you only see them EOW, that same bond just isn’t going to be there.

RUOKHon · 28/07/2020 22:27

Yet it would be different again if DSC lived here full time and their mother was out of the picture. Then it would be all on you to meet their emotional needs and the relationship would be based on a stronger bond.

JRUIN · 28/07/2020 22:29

No.

Ponoka7 · 28/07/2020 22:30

My Uncle did. He later adopted them. I'd like to think my step grandad did with me and my Sister, he gave no indication that he didn't. If anything I was the favourite.

People are quite capable of leaving their biological children, men more than women, so I don't think it's worth worrying about, there's no guarantees.

peakygal · 28/07/2020 22:30

I had 2 children when I got in a relationship with DH. He absolutely adored them and when I got pregnant on my 3rd and his first I had the same worries but it was no different. He treated them all the same

Itsjustabitofbanter · 28/07/2020 22:33

It’s possible they can, it’s unlikely though I think. My step dad met my mum when she was 3 months pregnant with me. He already had two children from a previous relationship. I’m lucky that he treated me like a daughter for the 15 years he was with my mum. For me he was the only father I’d had. But then they divorced and he never spoke to me again. He still spoke to the children he had before he met my mum though.
And I’m watching a close family member go through it now. This man met my relative when her baby was one and they had an amazing bond. Until his own (first) child came along 3 years later. And now my poor relative isn’t just pushed to the sidelines but actually treated like shit.