To ask for more money from DP

[whatthehay]

Back story:

DP moved in with me and my DC a year ago. He was renting a flat for £500pcm before this. We spoke about him moving in and he said he'd pay me the £500 rent. I agreed at the time but now I feel resentful and I don't know if AIBU.

I own my house and the mortgage is relatively small, I have 4 DC and obviously don't expect him to support them. I lost around £800 per month in tax credits when he moved in as I was no longer eligible. We are both self employed. I pay all the household bills, buy the food (cook the food) do the laundry/ housework, childcare etc. My monthly bills inc. utilities/mortgage/sky tv etc are £1500.

He does the dishwasher most nights and moans about the kids not helping around the house, if I asked him to hoover he would and he does any DIY that needs doing or fixes stuff when it breaks. He buys occasional shopping/wine/takeaways/meals out. He paid for some wood (around £300) for a project in the garden and spent a few days making it recently (I paid £2k for the rest of the project finished by a professional)

I know it's not his house and they are not his children but I feel like he's getting a really good deal for £500 a month. He paid that in rent but then paid food/utilities/council tax etc on top before he moved in. I am 20 weeks pregnant with his baby so my costs are going to go up. We have had a few conversations where I've said I'm supporting him but he maintains he pays his way/contributes.

AIBU to ask him for more?

He should be paying for food/utilities.

YABU. Hes just him, you have you then all your kids and its your house. Hes being fair.

He should pay half of all bills including food, car servicing, boiler checks. He should pay nothing rent wise to avoid him having claim on your house if you break up. You could charge him for cleaning as he doesn’t do enough. You shouldn’t have to ask him to clean really, he’s a grown adult who should be able to read the needs of house running, not a small child.

Can’t you both just have life insurance for both if worried about wills etc

For goodness sake OP not another single parent/cocklodger story. There are enough of them on here for you to realise whats going on here.
Wake up and smell the roses, either he pays up all the money you are missing or ships out.
Don't let a man live off you. If you allow it they do not respect you, don't do anything just sit on their arses and let you run around after them.
Do a spreadsheet or list of all of your outgoings and tell him to pay half or leave.
There is nothing more soul destroying than a stingy cocklodging man.

@madcatladyforever

For goodness sake OP not another single parent/cocklodger story. There are enough of them on here for you to realise whats going on here. Wake up and smell the roses, either he pays up all the money you are missing or ships out. Don't let a man live off you. If you allow it they do not respect you, don't do anything just sit on their arses and let you run around after them. Do a spreadsheet or list of all of your outgoings and tell him to pay half or leave. There is nothing more soul destroying than a stingy cocklodging man.

Maybe read the thread?

OP would have been entitled to tax credits until transferred to UC, so within a few years.

Ultimately, when you move with someone but are not prepared to share everything financially, the only fair distribution is to look at all the income coming in, and all what is coming out and transfer whatever dum that means you are left with a similar disposable income.

Now that would mean you left with the same to then pay for 4 kids and him only one, but at the same time, he can put some aside towards a home if you separated, a home that of you joint child too, so that would for the best.

Still I sent fathom why someone in your situation with 4 children having lost your ex husband would choose to have a child with another man without fully committing to him. This man must have taken quite a place in your children's life, I would have thought that the more he felt you totally committed to him, the more he is to feel totally committed towards your children too?

Or maybe it just all happened too quickly.

How old are your children and why didn’t you use the inheritance money to pay off your existing mortgage before committing to the expense of another property?
You keep talking about how much he benefits if you die, as if that’s likely, but it isn’t even accepting your experience as a widow might make you more prone to think it is.
You don’t give enough info for us to decide if you’re being unreasonable or not - how much does he earn? How much do you earn? It’s as much about the income as the outgoings.

Fuck sake he's got it made! My lodgers pay more than him and they certainly don't get free food and all their meals and laundry done!

He saw you coming!

And now you've got a baby on the way!

How much disposable income does he have after giving you £500?

Doesn't sound like a partnership to me. Sounds like you've got yourself another kid!

OP...I think you have let yourself get into a tricky situation now compounded by being 20 weeks pregnant to add to your already 4 children (assume this latest was planned?).

In essence you have a version of a cocklodger now. He has merrily added another to your family unit but isn't now behaving as being a family unit financially. You shouldn't be worse off, and you will be even more so when child no 5 arrives.

He won't get any better if you don't have a firm conversation. Of course if he moves out he will be liable for CMS once the child is born.

Frankly...I am amazed you have made such generous provision in your will for him. If you were to die early, then surely all the money would need to be realised to support all your children (who would be their guardian and is this in your will?) and need to be available via a trust fund to support them NOW and not in years to come when he feels it is ok to move out.

He doesn't need to know what is in your will when he is behaving like this

This is complicated but I think YABU op, sorry! Things that are red herrings that I don't think you can use as arguments

• Exact cost of bills - as they would be much lower if not for the 4 dc. You could have a house half the size.
• TC loss - would have lost it anyway
• Him getting a "lovely family home" - filled with 4 dc that aren't his!

The only thing I think going forward is look at how much the new baby is going to cost in terms of feeding/bottles/nappies/clothes etc say just a example that’s £150 a month you split it so he now pays £575. So he is now paying more for his child as well if that makes sense.

Agree with this.

Hmm...my thoughts for what they're worth...

I think asking him to cover the £800 you were losing when he moved in would have been reasonable. But you didn't, and sounds like you could afford the drop in income so I guess you made a decision that it was worth it so that's fine.

On the face of it £500 a month seems fair, if not more than fair. I suspect if you worked out his share (50% of council tax - not sure why PPs think he should only be liable for the 25% extra you're now paying, and id likely count the kids as half people for other expenses) then it would come to less than £500. I wouldn't expect a contribution to 'rent' but would think it's reasonable for him to pay a bit more than his fair share of bills, or pay for more treats etc, in acknowledgement of the fact that his outgoings are much lower because he's getting free accommodation.

Going forward though, things should of course change with the new baby coming along. You need to work out the shortfall in covering household expenses during your mat leave - he should be covering at least half, but perfectly reasonable for him to cover more than that if required. Then going forward there will of course be an extra person in the household, for whom he's partly responsible, so I'd expect household costs and his share of those to increase.

What does he say when you raise the issue,.
How did he feel about you buying the 2nd property to rent out and gain an income from? Is there a reason why you didn't buy a property with him and have more of a case for sharing finances. I thought 16k meant you couldn't claim tax credits.

This is quite a common problem when there are assets on one side of the relationship. The problem you have is you want to change the agreement that should have been clearer before moving in together and definitely before having a child together. Whilst he has no opportunity to build a stake in the assets he will always be a lodger and you have to both accept the power dynamics of this. You feel he should pay more, he may feel differently.

Oh no. I was going to say move him out again but now seen you're pregnant. He is taking £300 from your children every month and you have allowed it. He needs to contribute more but also you should have sorted all this before he moved in.

@aquashiv we were actually going to buy the second property jointly but he couldn't get accepted on a mortgage

I also didn't have £16k while I was claiming tax credits 🙄

I think that the £500 rent is not unreasonable as he was paying it before and he has an lifetime interest in the house. But that's just rent.

On top of that why isn't he paying his half of council tax

His portion of food (1/4 seems fair if the kids are young)

His portion of utilities, etc.

50% of your maternity and baby's costs

I can't see any man who would see your income go down, whilst he benefits from lower bills as anything other than deeply unpleasant.

You lost £800 yet he only pays £500 - so in effect you are paying £300 (plus paying for his food & utilities) to have him living with you. He's costing you a fortune! I hope he's a bloody good shag at least!?

What kind of fully grown man (with a baby on the way) gets fed and housed for £500 a month.

Tight, tight, tight.

If he was a real grown up man he’d just chuck you a grand a month. Find me a good provider / family man that has to pay out less than 1k for home life. There isn’t one. All the others are cocklodgers.
If he was really serious about his and your future he’d be talking about getting on that mortgage.

Plus I also disagree with this mentality that these new boyfriends “shouldn’t have to pay for your/my kids”

They don’t have to, but why pick a man that doesn’t want to join up as a real family? Who is quibbling over a hundred quid here or there?
Gross.

I would say £500 was fair before the pregnancy. Moving forward he needs to pay more.

If roles were reversed nobody would be calling the woman cocklodger (or equivalent).
I'd say you are borderline financially abusing him if you take more off him.
You are treating him like a lodger paying rent, but he isn't. But he has no stake in the property or your children.
Yes, all the women who move in with their partners should find their kids and mortgage or they are stingy cocklodgers. Look forward to the day I see that on MN.

@Goinghometocallie

Plus I also disagree with this mentality that these new boyfriends “shouldn’t have to pay for your/my kids”

They don’t have to, but why pick a man that doesn’t want to join up as a real family? Who is quibbling over a hundred quid here or there?
Gross.

It isn’t the odd £100, four children are going to cost considerably more. My single child costs £100 a month to feed, paying for four other children would be nuts.

He doesn't want to be on the mortgage as he was made bankrupt due to losing a business and lost his flat. Which is why he was renting. He thinks that if that happens again he doesn't want me to lose my home or the kids their inheritance.

However we need an extra bedroom for the baby so will need to do a loft conversion and it's likely that I will need him to be on the mortgage to raise the funds for that. So it's not like he definitely won't have a claim to the house ever.

Everything has gone up recently, insurance, the mortgage, the utilities, food prices. I don't think I'm being unreasonable actually to ask for a bit more help.