To ask for more money from DP

[whatthehay]

Back story:

DP moved in with me and my DC a year ago. He was renting a flat for £500pcm before this. We spoke about him moving in and he said he'd pay me the £500 rent. I agreed at the time but now I feel resentful and I don't know if AIBU.

I own my house and the mortgage is relatively small, I have 4 DC and obviously don't expect him to support them. I lost around £800 per month in tax credits when he moved in as I was no longer eligible. We are both self employed. I pay all the household bills, buy the food (cook the food) do the laundry/ housework, childcare etc. My monthly bills inc. utilities/mortgage/sky tv etc are £1500.

He does the dishwasher most nights and moans about the kids not helping around the house, if I asked him to hoover he would and he does any DIY that needs doing or fixes stuff when it breaks. He buys occasional shopping/wine/takeaways/meals out. He paid for some wood (around £300) for a project in the garden and spent a few days making it recently (I paid £2k for the rest of the project finished by a professional)

I know it's not his house and they are not his children but I feel like he's getting a really good deal for £500 a month. He paid that in rent but then paid food/utilities/council tax etc on top before he moved in. I am 20 weeks pregnant with his baby so my costs are going to go up. We have had a few conversations where I've said I'm supporting him but he maintains he pays his way/contributes.

AIBU to ask him for more?

Where is the father of your four children in all of this? You keep avoiding this question.

Also how old are your children?

How much does he earn???

Does he pay for things when you go out?

Do your other children’s father pay?

To be honest this situation is a bit of a pickle. The only thing I think going forward is look at how much the new baby is going to cost in terms of feeding/bottles/nappies/clothes etc say just a example that’s £150 a month you split it so he now pays £575. So he is now paying more for his child as well if that makes sense.

The tax credits wouldn't have been cancelled by the inheritance as it isn't taxable income. Any rental from the property would have counted though

With 3+ children, op would still not be migrated onto uc and when she was, she would have a year where the 16k limit on savings was ignored

However if he moves out now, that triggers a new uc claim and op would not be eligible (possibly - not definitely) to claim

Bit late now though!

Op, what are your plans to split costs once the baby arrives? I'd just focus on that to be honest.

OP he is being ripped off, he has to support and live with 4 children that aren't his and contribute to a mortgage that is sealed off against him. I'd hate that, you still have to cook if he wasn't there and clean but now he is there you expect him to be childcare for your children as well as paying as much as possible towards the house and by proxy supporting those children.

Also you would have lost the tax credits when you got the inheritance even if you hadn't brought a second house. Sounds like he should run from the vagina lodger.

The tax credits wouldn't have been cancelled by the inheritance as it isn't taxable income. Any rental from the property would have counted though

But it would count as savings when OP put it into her account.

" £500 a month would be fine if OP was renting a room to him as a lodger but he’s meant to be her partner (the clues right there in the name). No wonder there are so many cocklodgers around! "

OP's the one treating him like a lodger rather than a partner though, not him. She's the one who's decided he can have no claim to her home.

As I understand it the reason a single parent would no longer be entitled to the additional tax credits is because you are now a couple and are considered a two income household. The problem is that you two have a financial set up that’s more a one income household (you and your dc) plus a lodger! Which presumably suited you but now you seem to want him to make up the difference to what you were entitled to before he moved in which is basically asking him to accept some financial responsibility for your existing dc. Something that really should have been considered before moving in together!

It’s simplistic to say he’s better off than when he rented a flat and therefore owes you. He had the benefit of having the entire place to himself whereas in your house he’s sharing with 5 other people and has zero security. If you decide to kick him out he needs a decent deposit and months rent.

In terms of what he’s “costing” you there’s little difference really in the cost of running a household of 6 v a household of 5 (if you can let go of the idea that he’s to blame for your lost tax credits) so given you apparently wanted a set up where you and your dc were financially separate to him, £500 doesn’t seem unreasonable.

if he rented one room in a house and had to pay bills and food, it would be a lot more than the 500.

Living together has lost you 800 so the difference is 300.

That 300 should half be paid by you and half by him, in my view, so you are both 150 worse off than when you were both single.

I think the bloke is a fool tbh!

"if he rented one room in a house and had to pay bills and food, it would be a lot more than the 500."

I paid under 400 for rent and bills in a shared house so maybe a bit more than 500 if you include food. Not loads more.

@KilljoysDutch

The tax credits wouldn't have been cancelled by the inheritance as it isn't taxable income. Any rental from the property would have counted though

But it would count as savings when OP put it into her account.

Yes, which also don't count for tax credits purposes apart from the income from them - ie the actual interest earned above £300 on savings counts as part of your income

@Jeremyironsnothing

if he rented one room in a house and had to pay bills and food, it would be a lot more than the 500.

Living together has lost you 800 so the difference is 300.

That 300 should half be paid by you and half by him, in my view, so you are both 150 worse off than when you were both single.

See the the only way that works is if there’s acceptance that as one of the two adults, he has equal financial responsibility for the household of six. Which is the only way I would consider moving a partner in if I were a single parent tbh (cos otherwise you’re dropping £800 for what, shagging convenience ?)

However the OP and her partner want to live as a couple (with a shared child thrown in for good measure) while at the same time she and her 4 dc are a separate unit unto themselves and partner is another separate unit of one. All in the one household.

It just sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.

@TheLegendOfZelda thank you for that. I guess I just assumed things would carry on as usual when the baby comes. It definitely needs addressing.

He must be crackers to effectively be paying off a mortgage which isn't his, and for kids which aren't.
No woman who posted on here would be given such advice. He needs to get his name on the mortgage and a share of the house, I guess that's not going to happen.

He's not getting ripped off at all, he's paying less than he did before but getting all his meals cooked, all his laundry done, cleaning done and he gets to live in a lovely family home not in a damp shitty rented flat.

Why are you cooking all the meals, doing all his laundry, and all the cleaning?

If he was bringing in the money and you were looking after the house, that would be one thing. But you're not sharing his money at all. So he needs to pull his weight with the housework.

Given you have 4 kids, it won't be a straight 50:50 split. But he should be cooking on at least 2 nights, doing all his own laundry, and regularly hoovering / doing the bins / cleaning the bathroom (whatever you prefer).

@CantSleepClownsWillEatMe

Agreed. And regardless £500 a month for everything is ludicrously low. He is getting some bargain, his disposable income must be very nice. And maid service to boot.

meanwhile the OP is getting what exactly?

I don't know why everyone is jumping on the he has no stake in the house thing. If I were to die next year he'd be able to live here mortgage free for 21 years. Then they sell and split the money between the children one of which is his. I think it gives him plenty of time to save up for something else.

There is also a cash gift for him in the estate.

I did actually gift him the second property in my will originally but my DM felt it was unfair as it was family money that bought the property so should be for the children. So I changed it.

I get nothing if he dies, except his kid.

He isn't building an investment in the house so it doesn't seem fair that he pays more towards it.
But he should be doing half the shopping, cooking, housework and when his dc arrives childcare for that dc.

He would benefit if you die OP but statistically it is more likely that you would just split up. He would then just have to leave the property with no rights.
Mumsnet would never advise a woman to accept this arrangement either.

Do you get any maintenance for the 4 children? Because that's what should be going towards the £1500 (which seems very high if the mortgage is low).

You're expecting a child together, you've made that commitment, isn't it time to start considering shared accounts and budgets?

My DCs father passed away. I get a small pension.

The way you speak of him is cold like a business transaction not a loving couple expecting a child I'm guessing the child wasn't planned.

Sorry to hear that, that's horrible.

@AllsortsofAwkward
We are a loving couple very much looking forward to the birth of our very much planned baby.
I guess my 'tone' comes from the amount of hate I'm getting on this thread!

What I wanted to know was - am I being unreasonable to feel like he should contribute more. Clearly I'm being very unreasonable.