To ask for more money from DP

[whatthehay]

Back story:

DP moved in with me and my DC a year ago. He was renting a flat for £500pcm before this. We spoke about him moving in and he said he'd pay me the £500 rent. I agreed at the time but now I feel resentful and I don't know if AIBU.

I own my house and the mortgage is relatively small, I have 4 DC and obviously don't expect him to support them. I lost around £800 per month in tax credits when he moved in as I was no longer eligible. We are both self employed. I pay all the household bills, buy the food (cook the food) do the laundry/ housework, childcare etc. My monthly bills inc. utilities/mortgage/sky tv etc are £1500.

He does the dishwasher most nights and moans about the kids not helping around the house, if I asked him to hoover he would and he does any DIY that needs doing or fixes stuff when it breaks. He buys occasional shopping/wine/takeaways/meals out. He paid for some wood (around £300) for a project in the garden and spent a few days making it recently (I paid £2k for the rest of the project finished by a professional)

I know it's not his house and they are not his children but I feel like he's getting a really good deal for £500 a month. He paid that in rent but then paid food/utilities/council tax etc on top before he moved in. I am 20 weeks pregnant with his baby so my costs are going to go up. We have had a few conversations where I've said I'm supporting him but he maintains he pays his way/contributes.

AIBU to ask him for more?

So actually the house was yours and their father’s in the first place? Then there is no doubt that that house HAS TO go. To the dcs.
And him being able to stay until the baby is 21yo is a pretty good deal if it’s no also linked with him looking after the older ones.

[quote whatthehay]@AllsortsofAwkward
We are a loving couple very much looking forward to the birth of our very much planned baby.
I guess my 'tone' comes from the amount of hate I'm getting on this thread!

What I wanted to know was - am I being unreasonable to feel like he should contribute more. Clearly I'm being very unreasonable. [/quote]
Actually i think the answers are a mixed bag @whatthehay.

You don't sound like a team. I'm shocked you would have a planned baby when you have 4 dc to consider under the circumstances especially the additional cost of having a large family and going on mat leave and returning to work and childcare. You dont sound on the same page at all.

How long have you been together? I couldn't imagine having a child with someone who didn't want to fully be a part of my family, children included. Ask of this he's only a sixth of the household, yes fine as a casual boyfriend, until he decided to have a baby with you, now you're going to be a family unit and he has other children to think of and a partner and mother of 5 (!!) to think about.
It's also concerning that you're setting him up for a mortgage free life and gifting him things in your will, why? You're not married? If it's about providing for your mutual child, he gets to stay in your house but at the moment he doesn't even want to contribute equally to a combined household, what would happen to your other children would they be ousted from their family home?

The more you post the more I pity the kids.

Nope he needs to do more I also had this issue and my partner improved

How old are your dc? What do they do around the house?

More to the point, what does your p do around the house? He's not pulling his weight with housework etc, and I'd fix that right away.

I think once a couple decide to live together then all the money should be put together and pay bills ect then what ever is left you both can spend on what you want. Weather you have child already he knew this and still decided to move in. I think you should talk to him about becoming a proper family and having a joint bank account. You both are making a comment so why shouldn't you both be equal in every aspect

@Nicole0896 - if that’s the case then OP should put his name on her house.

How much disposable income do you have each and what is the pain for when you are on maternity leave and possible nursery fees?

I don’t know if this helps OP but what I did when DP moved in (he was previously renting, I own my home with a small mortgage thanks to a family inheritance):
Made a spreadsheet with all ‘house’ costs mortgage, council tax, utilities, insurance, tv and broadband etc and he pays half of the total as rent. We then agreed an extra £150 on top of this for food shopping (due to the way we work I tend to do the food shopping so it is just easier he gives it to me). We both run our own cars, mobile phones, gym memberships etc. Maybe doing a breakdown like this would be a good place to see what sort of ‘deal’ he is getting. We also have a co-habitation agreement that agrees he has no claim on my property and likewise I have no claims on his company and investments.

Imo you should t be worse off with him moving in. I'd say that the £500 rent is fine, but he also needs to be contributing to food and also helping out more around the house. If you've lost £800 in benefits, this should be made up by his contribution and sharing food and bills etc

Username6345789did youre dp have to pay towards 4 dc? Totally unfair to expect to pay half of everything when op has 4 dc to support thats not down to him to support and have zero claim or stake in the house hes paying for.

Time for a spreadsheet OP. The only non 50-50 thing on there should be what you pay for your kids.

Congratulations on your baby.

Blended families are complex and there aren't hard and fast rules. Its more than whats fair/ what it would cost him to live elsewhere. I think individual happiness needs to play a big part.

At the end of the month its important, if there is money in the pot, that you both have discretionary spend.

Without contributing to children he's been paying £500. Its normal for rental to go up a percentage each year, so this is something to consider. I'd have thought something like 5%. If you were living apart the basic maintenance payment for one child was historically 15% of earnings - I know the calculations are more complex than this but its a nominal starting point. Then maybe half of big ticket items, nursery fees, holidays, school stuff etc.

If you're keeping things seperate, I'd keep an eye on household bill creep that is actually things which are his costs. Special beer/ wine/ whiskey. Certain subscription services that anyone can use but you get because he wants them etc

Yes, OP I think the "I lost £800pm when he moved in" thing isn't really strictly true. You would have lost that £800pm regardless when you inherited the money to buy your 2nd property. So even had he not moved in, your tax credits would have ended at that point regardless.

So your loss of tax credits needs to be taken out of the equation.

Realistically he pays 1/3, and is 1/6 of the household. What he pays is fair. He should pull his weight around the house more, definitely, but financially, I don't think he should be paying more.

@Birkenshock

Yes, OP I think the "I lost £800pm when he moved in" thing isn't really strictly true. You would have lost that £800pm regardless when you inherited the money to buy your 2nd property. So even had he not moved in, your tax credits would have ended at that point regardless.

So your loss of tax credits needs to be taken out of the equation.

Realistically he pays 1/3, and is 1/6 of the household. What he pays is fair. He should pull his weight around the house more, definitely, but financially, I don't think he should be paying more.

Again ....

No

The tax credits would not have been stopped because of the inheritance

@BluebellForest836 yes I agree if they are wanting to be a family and commite to eachother then he should go on the house aswell. I think everything should be 50/50 and in both names.

I'm currently in a similar situation where my partner has moved in to my flat, we have a baby together and he only gives me 200 a month and thinks this is OK. So I'm now looking for a house for me and my son to move to as he obviously is not ready for proper commitment.

If 2 people want to live together and be a whole. Then they should put everything into it.

Nicole0896 your'e situation is different you share a child op has 4 dc from a previous relationship that is alot to support. Yet he's expected to proved for them and pay into a household he has nothing to gain from he effectly could be paying for the next 20 years and get no benefit. That's not a partnership she can't have it both ways.

Sorry, but if you can't even work out how to share costs fairly without asking a bunch of strangers on mn, why on earth are you having a baby together?

I'm a young widow too and I'd never move a man in. Way too complicated

@StCharlotte

Time for a spreadsheet OP. The only non 50-50 thing on there should be what you pay for your kids.

All the bills are affected by the kids though. 4 kids means more: Water Gas (a bigger house to heat) Electricity Council tax (a bigger house again)

So if you’re going to get a spreadsheet out, all these costs need to be divided into six so he is only paying I’m his fair share.

If one of my female friends was in this situation, a boyfriend with four kids leaning on her to pay half of all the house costs while not having her name on the mortgage, I’d be very worried for her.

If one of my female friends was in this situation, a boyfriend with four kids leaning on her to pay half of all the house costs while not having her name on the mortgage, I’d be very worried for her.*

Especially if the boyfriend was using the money she gave him to help fund a 2nd property, and she had no rights to that either.

I'm really tempted to wait a couple of months, then post the OP's exact scenario with the sexes reversed, and compare the response. MN is forever telling posters not to pay rent to their partner.. unless the partner is a woman, apparently

@MrsNoah2020

* If one of my female friends was in this situation, a boyfriend with four kids leaning on her to pay half of all the house costs while not having her name on the mortgage, I’d be very worried for her.*

Especially if the boyfriend was using the money she gave him to help fund a 2nd property, and she had no rights to that either.

I'm really tempted to wait a couple of months, then post the OP's exact scenario with the sexes reversed, and compare the response. MN is forever telling posters not to pay rent to their partner.. unless the partner is a woman, apparently

This.

I’m just absolutely aghast that somebody can get an inheritance, own two properties, and still claim benefits paid for by taxpayers who possibly can’t afford one property of their own, according to MN. It’s bloody disgraceful. And doesn’t MN generally hate landlords too? If this situation was reversed, and a woman was moving in with a guy with four children, everybody would be advising her to get her name on the property deeds, but apparently this doesn’t apply the other way round?