Aghhh MIL

[misstiggiwinkle]

My hugely overbearing, manipulative and down right rude expat MIL has just announced that she will be arriving at our house on Thursday morning (at 5.30am) straight off a flight from Hong Kong (where she lives) as they are going into a new lockdown on Wednesday due to rising corona cases.

I'm 28 weeks pregnant with dc3, my husband is also on the vulnerable list. We have been extremely careful for the last 4 months and other than my 5yr old going to school with very draconian social distancing (squares in the playground, classes of 7 etc) and now the bloody woman wants to cross the world on a long haul flight, travel to us on public transport and pitch up for 'breakfast'. AIBU to say no?! And if IANBU then how to I stop her turning up regardless as she's that sort?

Her plans are then to 'hop on a train' to Edinburgh next week to go and stay with her 83yr old mother and visit her daughter along the way (who by the way is a hospital DR). I just feel like it's so painfully selfish and just because she fancies a holiday.

Trust me I have a backbone and have had many a show down with her. But she's like Teflon, nothing sticks and she does it anyway

Yes, because she knows she can!
Trust me, do NOT give in as she'll carry on for ever more if you let her.

Ring immigration. Tell them she's not intending to quarantine. She is intending to travel all over the country coming from a current hotspot.

Do not let her in. Tell your DH he is not coming back in if he goes outside to speak to her.

Don't let her leave a suitcase. It could be contaminated.

My MIL and FIL used to do the tag team thing: MIL would grudgingly accept when she was told no (usually because she was giving us a week's notice for a family gathering which clashed with something we'd had in the diaries for months or being invited to our house and demanding that the visit be for much longer and entirely on her terms) and then a couple of days later would be the phonecall from FIL to say she'd been in tears. When DH realised it was emotional blackmail (he thought it was normal behaviour before I came along) he learnt to keep saying no even if there were tears. So then the passive aggressive letters started addressed to me. I sent one measured response and then did not engage any further. I've been NC for almost four years and DH speaks to them relatively frequently (they never phone him because parents don't apparently, it's entirely down to thr children to keep in touch). But he hasn't seen them in three years.

In a way I pity them because DH is an only child, they don't have much other family and no friends because they live in the middle of nowhere and have chosen for the last 30 years to not get out and socialise). But ultimately they've brought it on themselves

Do not let her in. Tell your DH he is not coming back in if he goes outside to speak to her.

This. Seriously.
Just seen the post from a pp saying that maybe he's playing both sides - I'd want to know what he's been saying? Has he actually said no or is just being a dithery twat and umming and ahhing?
can you tell I know exactly where you're coming from and sympathise
Seriously, you need to stand your ground. I KNOW it's hard, but I know from experience if you carry on letting someone bully you into saying yes/undermining your decisions etc it will only carry on and keep getting worse. Especially when baby's here! Put your foot down now.

I’m sorry, that really doesn’t work for us

@MollyMinniesMum

I’m sorry, that really doesn’t work for us

Seriously, have you read the thread? 🙄 Respect to you OP, you are standing your ground. I've been there, it's really hard to see your husband trying to please everyone but my God it has been worth it. You will both come out happier

I would tell her that you are displaying symptoms and waiting on being tested and so she can't come. That'll put her gas at a peep!

Haha no?

I'd be asking her if she's actually deranged then telling her like fuck is she staying.

Mental.

Blimey, talk about Rhino hide... No one should cave in to this absolute bully of a woman. It's your family home; just say NO! (As you already have) and tell your DH if he doesn't say NO too, he can cluck off and stay with Mommy Dearest.

What time is her flight landing and how far you from the airport? I'm dying to know what she does

She does sound like a total nightmare! She needs to stay away if she really cares about her family.

Oh dear god! Please OP, do let us know you’ve shuffled the old moo off!

Your Mil is a manipulative bitch. Did she actually get on the plane though? What will you do OP if she’s standing on your doorstep?

Good luck OP. 🤞🤞 for you.

Ugh what a nightmare of a woman. But I'm sure you already know you have more of a DH problem than a MIL problem Maybe this will be the straw that broke the camel's back for him and he will actually be able to start standing up to her. We can only hope!!

Good luck. Open a window and talk to her through that, and no more!

Fizzygreen youre a legend. Exactly that!!!!

She is like a dog with a bone isnt she. Believe me if your husband goes to meet her she will end up back at your house with the line that 'there are no hotels free' or she 'doesn't have the money' or 'she has a booking but not for a couple of days and then its too late so whats the point' etc. You are going to have to be so firm with your DH and tell him that if he goes to see her you will lose all respect for him and he will have to isolate with his mother for 14 days as you will not have either of them endangering the rest of you. I can't believe she cares so little about the safety and well being of her family.
Its a hard one and I really hope you win this one .

If she turned up at my door I would be asking her if she is mentally unwell and maybe your dh should phone a doctor for her.

Your dh is not seriously going to meet her for a coffee is he?!

Get your DH to tell her she needs to plan to quarantine at her own expense. You don't need to get involved. He needs to own their relationship rather than you be responsible as it's his parent. He might find this difficult but you need to have firm boundaries with her or she will trample all over you both.

I am sorry you are having to stress about this at this time of your pregnancy.

@forrestgreen perfect reply

Nightmare.
Used to have one like this. One of the blessings of divorce. Although I'm not suggesting that.

Has she actually left her husband on his own in Hong Kong?

He must have a good life insurance policy.

I really hope the next post from you isn't about how she is in your spare room

Your MIL is a classic narcissistic

Get your DH to read the website “daughters of narcissistic mothers” (it’s applicable to sons too) and read the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.... it explains the Dysfunctional family dynamics you have described here perfectly: the narcissistic demands, the emotional manipulation, the verbal abuse/narcissistic rage, the flying monkeys in the form of passive/enabler FIL yada yada yada

Honestly these people are boring and predictable it’s almost laughable. Except that in this case she’s being beyond selfish and irresponsible because her actions could affect countless people.

Just say No. no to everything from now on. Just release yourself from any physical or emotional obligation and free yourself from this nonsense.

She won’t ever change. Narcissistics NEVER do.

The saying goes: The game is rigged. The only way to win, is not to play the game.

I went NC with my ILs 5 years ago.... the peace is blissful

Good luck