Aghhh MIL

[misstiggiwinkle]

My hugely overbearing, manipulative and down right rude expat MIL has just announced that she will be arriving at our house on Thursday morning (at 5.30am) straight off a flight from Hong Kong (where she lives) as they are going into a new lockdown on Wednesday due to rising corona cases.

I'm 28 weeks pregnant with dc3, my husband is also on the vulnerable list. We have been extremely careful for the last 4 months and other than my 5yr old going to school with very draconian social distancing (squares in the playground, classes of 7 etc) and now the bloody woman wants to cross the world on a long haul flight, travel to us on public transport and pitch up for 'breakfast'. AIBU to say no?! And if IANBU then how to I stop her turning up regardless as she's that sort?

Her plans are then to 'hop on a train' to Edinburgh next week to go and stay with her 83yr old mother and visit her daughter along the way (who by the way is a hospital DR). I just feel like it's so painfully selfish and just because she fancies a holiday.

Your DH declines the visit. How long is Hong Kong locking down for?

Ha!

Lock her out.

"Obviously you understand you can't stay with us because we're shielding. It would be lovely to meet for a socially distanced coffee after you've finished your 2 week isolation"

What was the programme called please? @babybunny123

"Obviously you understand you can't stay with us because we're shielding. It would be lovely to meet for a socially distanced coffee after you've finished your 2 week isolation"

This from pp

Hi it was on BBC 1 last night around about 7-7.30 pm cannot remember the title, should be on iplayer. It was about how China didnt lock down quick enough and how they allowed people to travel and how it spread. There are some upsetting scenes as well in that awful market.

Im so sorry MIL we actually moved Last month, did you miss the email? hope your 2 week isolation in a hotel isn't too boring

That a hard NO! There’s a reason that HK is going back into lockdown!

More than 100 new cases a day, no more than 2 people in a group and masks at all times when outside, even when exercising. It’s not going well out there and she’s coming to UK for purely selfish reasons.

Stand your ground, it’s not worth hosting her unless she quarantines in UK for 2 weeks first.

3rd wave in HK

Thank you all!!! A resounding concurrence with my thoughts exactly .

DH unfortunately finds it really hard to stand up to his mother as she emotionally blackmails and manipulates him any time he goes against her wishes (trust me I know this is a problem and has caused many an argument in our marriage. Don't get me started about the time she turned up outside my hospital room after the birth of ds1 and claimed I was 'keeping her from her grandson' as I refused her entry due to having my catheter taken out). The woman is a down right bully and has spent her life getting her own way. I am firmly against this but frustratingly it will cause yet another row

I will send DH the link to the iPlayer programme

@forrestgreen

"Hi, what a shame you didn't check with us. We're shielding due to us both being vulnerable so will be unable to host due to you being a risk to us. Best wishes."

This covers everything you need to say without being unpleasant about it.

It also halts any possibility of discussion very effectively.

I am firmly against this but frustratingly it will cause yet another row
Don’t let it! The answer is no.
No discussion.
No argument.
No!

I really think as a vulnerable person you have the right to put your foot down (her behaviour is bonkers so it wouldn’t be unreasonable even if not pregnant but especially now!). I think you need to tell DH very firmly it’s not happening and be prepared to bear the brunt of her response (let it slide off you she is INSANE). IME with overbearing MILs things actually improve when you start to stand up for yourself and set clear boundaries. Sorry you’re having to deal with this it’s stressful.

I am firmly against this but frustratingly it will cause yet another row
Don’t let it! The answer is no.
No discussion.
No argument.
No!

This. Tell him explicitly: 'I am not going to argue about this.' Repeat as necessary.

Why would it cause a row?

It's not a case of trying to compromise a bit!

Your husband is vulnerable!

Does he love his mum so much that he willing to risk his life & leave you & the kids without him??!!

I agree.
No argument.

Just NO.

@FizzyGreenWater

NO.

She's downright rude? Good. That means you don't need to bother being tactful. Communicate with her the way she communicates with you.

How has she 'announced' this - email? Text? Sounds as if you've yet to react/respond. If so:

'What the hell? How dare you just announce that you're turning up on our doorstep! The answer is no. No way. I'm pregnant, we are both vulnerable, we are already busy and stressed. How utterly RUDE of you to think you aren't even obliged to ask if it's ok to come and stay in our home. I am absolutely furious MIL - I would have expected better of you. Don't turn up on our doorstep as we will not be able to let you in for very obvious reasons. We will not risk infection. If you arrive on the door I'll simply call a taxi and pre-book you into a travelodge until you can go back to (sister).'

Time to explode. Shock her. If she's a rude manipulative cow, it's probably long overdue and will make your life easier from here on in. Get angry.

What will your H say? I'm assuming he'll roll over, as this is how these situations develop in the first place. If so - time to shock him too. Roar.

WTF have I just read?!

Please send Forest Greens response and do it now before she accidentally gets on the plane and professes not to see your message. Better still, call her, then there is no room for misunderstandings

Oh my goodness!!!

Erm, is she FUCK!
Get your DH to tell her no way will this be happening and to not take any of her nonsense!

This!
Jesus, get her told. She doesn't get a say, there's no way she can do that.
Lockdown means lockdown, not piss off to another country to run away from it and put your family at risk too!
Just WTF lol.
I'm the least confrontational person ever but that's a hard, HELLLLL NO from me.
Tell her seriously straight (in writing!) so there's no confusion - "sorry, we are unable to put you up or see you as we are in the vulnerable category and we're shielding. So if you do come over we will not be able to see you or put you up.
Then make sure your doors are locked in case she thinks she can wear you down by just turning up anyway!
Stand firm.
Some people!

I am firmly against this but frustratingly it will cause yet another row

Tough shit, if she's going to treat people like that then surely anyone reasonable wouldn't cause a row when they're pulled up on their crap.

1. A camera doorbell.
2. Strong door bolts.
3. Landmines.

If your DH can't bring himself to stand up to her you can do it directly. Be polite, but be firm. She will not be staying with you, you think she's better off getting ready for lockdown, but if she does visit the door will stay locked.

And I'm assuming that as soon as Hong Kong locks down a UK quarantine order will follow - tell her you'll have to inform 'the authorities'

Yes, also landmines