Aghhh MIL

[misstiggiwinkle]

My hugely overbearing, manipulative and down right rude expat MIL has just announced that she will be arriving at our house on Thursday morning (at 5.30am) straight off a flight from Hong Kong (where she lives) as they are going into a new lockdown on Wednesday due to rising corona cases.

I'm 28 weeks pregnant with dc3, my husband is also on the vulnerable list. We have been extremely careful for the last 4 months and other than my 5yr old going to school with very draconian social distancing (squares in the playground, classes of 7 etc) and now the bloody woman wants to cross the world on a long haul flight, travel to us on public transport and pitch up for 'breakfast'. AIBU to say no?! And if IANBU then how to I stop her turning up regardless as she's that sort?

Her plans are then to 'hop on a train' to Edinburgh next week to go and stay with her 83yr old mother and visit her daughter along the way (who by the way is a hospital DR). I just feel like it's so painfully selfish and just because she fancies a holiday.

What's happened in the past is one thing but there's now a global pandemic thrown into the mix.
So NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!!!!!
DH needs to be with you on this and if he's not then he can go and stay in a Travelodge or wherever with her!
Stick to your guns OP! This is important!

@misstiggiwinkle Sorry to be presumptuous but do they only speak mandarin/similar? If English speaking, can you not speak to her or FIL??

You have to tell your DH it's you or his ,mum.

She cannot stay. So she gets upset? Boo Hoo! So what?

He needs to be more worried about upsetting you than upsetting this tyrant.

I agree crocs and landmines are the only way forward.

Have you or DH messaged her OP?

Please can you let us know what happens.

Thanks

@Alwaysinpain no, the are British. Expatted to Hong Kong. A number of years ago I stopped replying to her messages/calls and have left it to DH - his mother his problem, as she makes me so irate. DH has said no she can't come but he's hiding out in the spare room on 'calls' all day so I suspect he'll appear later with a 'shes said she's coming anyway so how do we make the best of this'.

I think the challenge over the years is that DH and I got together when we were v young -18 and at the time Mil was still a big part of his life. Roll forward 15 years, 8 yrs of marriage and nearly 3 dc and she can't seem to realise that he's a fully grown man with his own family and responsibilities. She still treats him like he's 15 and expects him to act that way too. She scolds him like a little boy. I really feel for him (even though it drives me mad that he ever gives in to it)

@sunnyday I'll keep you posted! Bare with me though as getting a minute to be on my
phone is tricky

If your DH has any idea what's good for him he'll realise that the grief his mostly-overseas DM can give him in the long term would be hugely outweighed by the grief his ever-present wife could give him every day, for ever, IF he failed to step up to the plate on this issue. Basically, you have to be scarier than her. Not an easy task, as she's had a lifetime of practice at being a pain in the butt... but you are talented

So OP why don't you/DH just tell her she has to stay in a hotel?

I am just 😳

It's one of those situations where if DH says she can stay I'd be asking him to move out and share a hotel room with her...

Have you replied to her at all?

"she can't seem to realise that he's a fully grown man with his own family and responsibilities."

It would help if he started acting like one where his mum is concerned though!

Will she and FIL not be returning to perhaps retire/ live in uk permanently soon - with situation there not being what it was? I know 2 different people who left there recently. Both came to UK.

I would just reply “no. If you turn up you’ll be turned away unless you quartine yourself in a hotel for two weeks.” What a cf.

Can you report them to someone as recent travellers coming from a Covid-19 hotspot who are not self isolating for 14 days? Is that possible? You're not responsible for their accommodation for that time and you want the authorities to know in case there is another spike in infections in your location.
If necessary, tell MiL that if she doesn't leave you alone, you will be left with no option but to report her to authorities if she doesn't self isolate for the recommended time period in suitable location away from you.

Send the message saying she can't stay/see you. Reiterating it. She turns up, the door is closed, yell from an upstairs window 'oh you got on the plane, was it a good flight? Don't let us keep you from walking to your hotel for quarantine!!!'. Because I get the DM guilt your DH has. But be clear before she flies she can't stay with you. Then you're guilt free ignoring her on the doorstep.

Also from a window ask if she has a will in the UK. Because if she's infected and hospitalised things could be complicated since she DOESN'T LIVE HERE AND TURNED UP ACTING LIKE A DICK.

Apologies OP I may be dealing with similar

I'd politely say: MIL, like fuck you're coming in. I'll put breakfast on the front step. The door will remain locked.

Your DH also needs to read this about a surge in HK cases - BBC News - Coronavirus: Hong Kong hospitals face 'collapse' as outbreak grows
www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-china-53575875

Don’t let her in. It is as simple as that. Tell her she is to book a hotel.

For others talking about quarantine, HK is currently on the safe list so it's not legally required. Although given their surge it doesn't seem safe from a practical perspective.

I am concerned about you OP. Please do not compromise or allow DH to do so. This is not the time for it. He must grow a backbone fast, but if he does not do so in time, it will be down to you alone to protect yourself and your family. Absolutely do NOT allow her to enter your house. For what its worth, standing up to bullies is usually very effective, Be angry with her, hideously angry - she will get the message.

Hope you're ok OP?

She's on the flight . We've said she's not welcome repeatedly, queue phone call from
FIL to DH to say how much he's upsetting his mother etc etc. DH is now making noises about going to meet her for a coffee outside when she arrives...me and the dcs will not be joining. She will pull a stunt like 'oh I'll just leave my massive suitcase at your house' etc and worm her way in. It's what she does and it's happened before. I've told DH that if he gets closer than 2m from her then he will need to quarantine for 2 weeks away from us...

I'm tempted to 'develop symptoms' this afternoon and put our house into isolation