Aghhh MIL

[misstiggiwinkle]

My hugely overbearing, manipulative and down right rude expat MIL has just announced that she will be arriving at our house on Thursday morning (at 5.30am) straight off a flight from Hong Kong (where she lives) as they are going into a new lockdown on Wednesday due to rising corona cases.

I'm 28 weeks pregnant with dc3, my husband is also on the vulnerable list. We have been extremely careful for the last 4 months and other than my 5yr old going to school with very draconian social distancing (squares in the playground, classes of 7 etc) and now the bloody woman wants to cross the world on a long haul flight, travel to us on public transport and pitch up for 'breakfast'. AIBU to say no?! And if IANBU then how to I stop her turning up regardless as she's that sort?

Her plans are then to 'hop on a train' to Edinburgh next week to go and stay with her 83yr old mother and visit her daughter along the way (who by the way is a hospital DR). I just feel like it's so painfully selfish and just because she fancies a holiday.

Does he love his mum so much that he willing to risk his life & leave you & the kids without him??!!

Not love, but brainwashed.

OP, you're going to have to put your foot down. If he won't tell her, you will have to, and if he starts arguing with you, tell him you'll move out if she comes. Then do it. (Stay at a hotel or Air BnB.)

He's going to have to decide who his priorities are with, his mother, or his wife. If he's willing to put you in danger, then he's not worth your love.

@BrightYellowDaffodil has it - love option three

BrightYellowDaffodil you forgot Dig A Moat and Fill it with Crocs

Portcullis?

Ooh yes, a moat. One of those ones with the gate house where they could pour boiling tar on invaders.

Time to put the big girl pants on OP. You tell your husband that even if he is prepared to risk his health, you are not prepared to risk that of your unborn child. Either he tells his mother she cannot stay with you TODAY or you do it.

No discussion, no arguments, just the good old Mumsnet classic of “That doesn’t work for me/us.”

I can't believe what she expects! But tell her ASAP OP, as she will be leaving soon.. or already left??

If she does still travel I wouldn’t be threatening to call the authorities. I would actually call them.

You need to tell her sharpish so she doesn't set off .

Yes - it is nearly tomorrow - Wednesday - in HK now. Have you told her yet?

Get her told quickly. If your dh doesn't look like he'll back you up. Pack a bag for you and ds. Put near the back door. When dh asks why tell him you'll be walking out of the back door if she walks in the front. Tell him to hug his ds properly now as you'll be gone for 14 days from when she leaves. And considering how he's shown he doesn't have your back you'll be doing some serious thinking.

Sorry for MiA - school holidays!

She's definitely coming to the UK so there is no stopping her short of Hong Kong cancelling flights tomorrow. Even then I recon she'd find a way.

I have to say that although in the past it was definitely a DH problem of not standing up to her, now it gets messy when he does, she then emotionally manipulates him, he comes back to me trying to seek a compromise and he gets firmly stuck in the middle of two strong minded women . When he doesn't give in to her he ends up with FIL on the phone giving him a telling off for 'upsetting his mother' and it's would make her so happy' yada yada yada. It's really tricky and we've had 15 years of it and it's the same circus every time. This time is different though, she's actually being dangerous and it's making me angry that she's being so selfish

Btw, currently googling where to get hold of land mines

Don't know how you've put up with this for 15 years.

She's going to be staying with you, whether you like it or not.

So basically, not only is she risking you by staying with you, she's putting her two fingers up at the quarantine restrictions? F&@k that. We've all sacrificed too much for people like her to put us at risk again. Grass her up.

Book them a hotel reservation and send them the info. Tell them you will not see them until after a two week quarantine. If they show up at your house anyway do not let them in. Tell your DH if he lets them in your marriage is over. And mean it. Does he value your life and your unborn child more than his parents' whims? Make him prove it.

I'm 28 weeks pregnant with dc3, my husband is also on the vulnerable list.

"No MIL. You are not staying here. You may be willing to risk your sons health, as well as your grandchild to be, but I am not. This decision is final."

although in the past it was definitely a DH problem of not standing up to her, now it gets messy when he does, she then emotionally manipulates him, he comes back to me trying to seek a compromise and he gets firmly stuck in the middle of two strong minded women grin. When he doesn't give in to her he ends up with FIL on the phone giving him a telling off for 'upsetting his mother' and it's would make her so happy'

Tell him not to bother coming to you for 'a compromise'. He's a grown-up, for Christ's sake, he can wrangle his parents. And he should tell his father to lay off too.

This time is different though, she's actually being dangerous Yes. So you have to defend your family's health.

Jesus Christ, fake your own death!!

fake your own death!!

The response from @forrestgreen is perfect; add in the bit from @tiredanddangerous too. Good luck!

OP, my mum’s parents were exactly like this. Coupled with suicide threats from my GM via GF which always scared the life out of my mum as GM’s sister had actually done it.

The toll that took on my parents’ marriage eventually killed it and I cannot tell you how much my siblings and I wish my mum had told them to fuck off once and for all so we never had to see or hear from them again. GF died and GM got worse by the year. She eventually turned on us and we all suffered from my mum being stuck in the FOG. As an only child who’d emigrated a 12 hour flight away from them she felt obligated to put up with the evil bile and bitterness they dished out as they didn’t have anyone else.

Your kids will suffer too if your DH doesn’t find his fucking backbone and start sticking up for you and putting his own family first. My dad used to say he hoped my mum was giving us a good example of putting other people first and he was so so very wrong. All we saw was our beautiful, kind, wonderful mum being treated like shit. Not healthy or positive.

There are some wise and hilarious responses on this thread and I hope some levity is helping you. But the intention of my downer contribution is to get you to think about the wider picture. You should read Toxic Inlaws if you haven’t already. Gird your loins and tell your DH his job is to protect you, and himself, from this bat shit toxic selfish cow.

Tell him that while MIL is staying you will be using the household money to stay in a hotel elsewhere.

'Oh what a shame, we are away on holiday until 15 August. Maybe we can catch up then.'

Then run as far away as possible for a few days.

Tell her she should have asked first. Offer to help her book a connecting flight to Edinburgh.