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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if we're doing the right thing

126 replies

Kitten0192 · 27/07/2020 18:09

I'm new here but could do with some advice

My son is 20 and my granddaughter is 3. Her mum wanted her to be adopted but my son said he'd bring her up. Anyway he has with abit of my help and her mum hasn't contacted him until a few days ago. Asking to see granddaughter and son has said no because it'll confuse granddaughter and he said he doesn't want her involved in his or granddaughtees life. Her mum has said he can't stop her being involved in her daughter's kife.

Are we being unreasonable can we have some advice please

OP posts:
Campingintheraintoday · 27/07/2020 18:12

Unless the dm has issues with drugs or alcohol yabu to deny your dgd a relationship with her dm.
A judge would likely agree with this..

sockonmyhead · 27/07/2020 18:12

Has your son spoken to his daughter about her mum at all?

LST · 27/07/2020 18:15

What reason is there to deny contact? It must be hard for you all for her just to pop up out of the blue.

UndertheCedartree · 27/07/2020 18:16

I think it would be a positive thing for you GD to have a relationship with her mum unless there is an issue like drug use. Is your son worried she won't be reliable in contact with her? Does she contribute financially? Not that that should prevent contact but may indicate she is serious about being involved in her DD's life. I agree that a judge would want her to have a relationship with her mum.

MsEllany · 27/07/2020 18:18

YABU.

Your son can’t punish his daughter by denying her access to her own mother. She might have wanted her adopted but she’s clearly had a change of heart - not really unexpected considering she was what, 16/17 when the child was born?

KittyFantastico · 27/07/2020 18:21

He needs to put his own feelings aside and consider what is in the best interests of the child. Unless there are safety concerns then in most cases it would be in the child's best interests to have some sort of relationship with her mother.

He can go to court to define the terms of this but realistically its easier for them to sort it out between themselves if at all possible.

Happyspud · 27/07/2020 18:31

You are being unreasonable I'm afraid. And you won't be able to stop her so your best bet is to keep her on side and come up with a plan with the mother for how to both introduce her and build her into your granddaughters life. It's shit but this is the situation and your gd has a right to her mother. I'd say the same if it was a father swanning back in too. I just hope she really has genuinely good intentions.

Original poster
Kitten0192 · 27/07/2020 18:34

No she doesn't contribute financially. Son hasn't given a reason he just said he doesn't want her involved

OP posts:
SummerSnapdragon · 27/07/2020 18:35

Grand parents don't have an automatic right to see a child, if you can't come to an informal agreement court is the only way and the court will usually decide what is in the best interest of the child:

www.gov.uk/contact-grandchild-parents-divorce-separate

Nanny0gg · 27/07/2020 18:38

Does your DGD have any contact with her mother?

pepperycinnamon · 27/07/2020 18:40

YABU, this is not about her parents but about your granddaughter. Unless she is at risk of abuse then she has a right to have a relationship with her mother, supervised at a contact centre if necessary.

Mintjulia · 27/07/2020 18:44

Your grand daughter is entitled to know her mother. It isn’t up to your son.

The mother is on the birth certificate and can go to court and gain access, unless she has a history of serious drug abuse, mental Health issues Etc. Much better to co-operate and try to co-parent amicably.

YoBeaches · 27/07/2020 18:47

Well the mother does have rights to see her daughter and if she goes to court then she will be granted access unless there are specific reasons why she shouldn't be around the child. I understand your son might have negative feelings towards her but he has to continue to put dd first.

The mum should also be paying for maintenance towards the child's upbringing. Your son should discuss this with her.

She can't just 'see' her at the drop of a hat, but they should agree some form of supervised contact to build a relationship until the child is comfortable in her care 121. Or until it doesn't work/ mum doesn't show up etc.

It may simply be that she's grown up a bit since being pregnant and would like a second chance with her dd.

Original poster
Kitten0192 · 27/07/2020 18:47

@SummerSnapdragon son has full custody of granddaughter

@Nanny0gg no granddaughter doesn't have any contact with her mum

OP posts:
YoBeaches · 27/07/2020 18:49

Does he have full legal custody or was this just verbally agreed between them?

If the former then the mum needs to take it back to court if son doesn't want to change current arrangement.

june2007 · 27/07/2020 18:50

Well if this is the first time in 3 years that she has contacted I would proceeed with caution. How about sending some photies and have a supervised visit in a mutual area and see how it goes. It would be nice if she could reestablish a relationship. But ofcourse it has to be graduel. Do think some stark sexism on this thread as sure response would be different if boot was on other foot.

sockonmyhead · 27/07/2020 18:51

I don’t think your son is being unreasonable for needing some time to get used to the idea but ultimately it’s in everyone’s best interest that he resolves this amicably.

There’s no need to rush into contact, taking things slowly is the best way for everyone to feel comfortable with the changes. Maybe encourage your son to meet and discuss how this can work, burying his head in the sand is only going to make things more difficult long term.

Livelaughwhat · 27/07/2020 18:52

So let me get this right - your granddaughter has had no contact with her mothers side of the family for 3 years? And now they’ve appeared wanting access?

YaWeeSkitter · 27/07/2020 19:07

I can see where hes coming from in trying to protect your DGD from being hurt or confused. Both may well happen but you and he can help prepare her for the first meeting and then see how it goes. I know the mother hasnt been in contact for years but she has had some growing up to do no doubt and is ready to take the next steps.
She wont go away just because your DS says no and it will be so much better all round of the pair of them come to some sort of amicable arrangement.
Of course there is the very real possibility that she finds that she doesnt bond with the child or vice verse and it all fizzles out. But 3 is a good age for the first steps. If it does all go horribly wrong DGD will soon forget all about the lady who came to see her.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 27/07/2020 19:08

a lot of people seem confused and think this is about the girls mum but its about her Grandma wanting contact is that right?

It definitely wont confuse a 3 year old, and unless a backstory they should be allowed contact.

Plus it may be nice to have a bigger family for her in the future

Chloemol · 27/07/2020 19:08

If her mum now wants access, whatever your son feels she has a right to see her daughter. I suggest getting legal advice, and perhaps start at a contact centre

Also she should be paying child support

Eileithyiaa · 27/07/2020 19:09

Hmm this is tough. I'm sat looking at my 3 year old daughter thinking how this would make me feel if I was in your sons shoes.

On the one hand, at 3, she will understand the concept of mummy and will be excited to have this new person involved, especially a mummy.

On the other hand, if it all goes tits up and the mum decides to stop contact then the little girl will be crushed.

If I was your son, I would agree to the contact, because in 10-15 years time it might backfire if his daughter finds out he blocked access and it could seriously affect your sons relationship with his daughter.

On the other hand, it might really work out and she gets to see both parents regularly.

So,

A) See mum and contact is stopped = daughter sad but dad can support and know he tried.

B) Stop mum from seeing daughter = daughter sad in future if she realises there was a missed opportunity and pissed off with dad.

C) See mum and everything goes well = happy everyone.

Stopping contact is the shittiest choice.

vintageyoda · 27/07/2020 19:15

Your GD has every right to have her mother in her life. It's just not your son's decision to make. The same is true when the roles are reversed. As long as there are no safeguarding issues then it is a huge mistake to prevent a child from having a relationship with their parent. It won't end well if your son sticks to his guns.

Chloemol · 27/07/2020 19:15

@TheGirlWithAPrince

I read it that the child’s mother has contacted them wanting to see her daughter and her mother ( ie child’s grandmother on her mothers side) has said the ops son can’t refuse, which I believe is correct.

Twigletfairy · 27/07/2020 19:19

I can understand that her coming out of the blue would be quite upsetting. But at the end of the day what would be in the child's best interest? Unless there is a huge backstory about the mother, then usually it is in the child's best interest to have their mother in their life.