To wonder if we're doing the right thing

[Kitten0192]

I'm new here but could do with some advice

My son is 20 and my granddaughter is 3. Her mum wanted her to be adopted but my son said he'd bring her up. Anyway he has with abit of my help and her mum hasn't contacted him until a few days ago. Asking to see granddaughter and son has said no because it'll confuse granddaughter and he said he doesn't want her involved in his or granddaughtees life. Her mum has said he can't stop her being involved in her daughter's kife.

Are we being unreasonable can we have some advice please

I think granddaughters mums should be able to have a chance but don't want to go behind sons back by letting her. Son hasn't said the reasons why he doesn't want granddaughters mum involved he just said because he doesn't want them in their lives,

I would get the mum to commence the mediation process. This should sort out whether she wants to pursue this or it’s a flash in the pan idea.

I think you need to explain to your son that long term his DD could be very damaged by not having a relationship with her Mum.

Not having your Mum in your life is one of the biggest rejections possible as well as a huge social stigma. Why does he want to deny her another a person to potentially love and support her?

She was a scared young girl from a religious family, not an abusive parent.

I get that he is hurt and worried for the child. But there is no reason to keep them apart.

I mean, if he had good reason to believe that child would be at risk in seeing her mother that's one thing, then I would let courts decide. But just because he doesn't want it to happen? No.

I suggest that he put everything in writing, and keeps screen shots of texts.

His aim is to sound reasonable, while still protecting child.

So a suggestion would be a letter along the lines of:

I am willing for you to begin to make cnotact, but this needs to be done in a careful slow and sensitive way. How about

1. a letter and a photo
2. a short visit in a neutral setting eg playground
3. one visit per week of about half an hour until relationship has developed and then see

I would also say that he does not want her to try and hug or pick up the dd, as she is a stranger, and that interactions must be at the dd's comfort level, so if she gets distressed, they will leave

Courts are very keen to see that you have been accommodating and reasonable.

Also in his letter, he needs to say that if she wants more, she will need to apply to court as he has full custody.

I recommend that he always has a third party with him as witness when they meet.
BUT he does need to try and make this work. So he needs to prepare dd for meeting her, and encourage dd to become friends with her.

@Kitten0192 your son is amazing!! There aren't many 16 year old boys who would step-up like that.

As others have said its not about him now, it is about his daughter. I absolutely get why he doesn't want her anywhere near but I do think he needs to realise that if she took it to court she would get access. It would start as supervised and move from there.

I would encourage him to do the right thing, he should contact the social workers involved at the time if he can and get advice, at the very least they can help arrange contact centres etc for safe visits.

His daughter deserves the chance to know her mum. She was a young, scared child with no family support. Assuming there is no more to.it ie drug abuse then she deserves the chance.

I think your son needs to tell her to go through the courts and then at least any access will be legally set up it will also test whether she’s really serious . With your update about her parents it does make me wonder if she was pressured to not keep the child and now she is independent can do as she wants . Obviously on the face of it it will be a good thing for your granddaughter to have her mother in her life .

Totally understandable he would feel like this and we'll done on him for taking on such a responsibility at his age. He really deserves a medal.

However part of growing up as we become parent is to learn that our children are not our possession and we need to make decisions based on what is best for them even when this goes against what might be best for us, or hurts our feelings, or doesn't feel fair.

What is best for this child is to be given the chance to build a bond with her mother even if the mum failed her for her first 3 years. That is without a doubt.

What is essential though is to ensure that this will be sustainable and what she brings is positive rather than sorrow and disappointment.

He needs to put his feelings aside, meet with the mum and discuss why she has changed her mind and assertain that she is fully committed and prepared to do it in away that is best for the child rather than her.

Considering their still young age, they would most likely both benefit from the involvement of a professional.

I'm in the minority here but I completely agree with your son.
After 3 years of nothing she's now decided she wants to meet her granddaughter, not good enough, tell her to sling her hook.

You can bet this will all revolve about mum wanting to sneak back in, I think it would open a huge can of worms and back away. Use the pandemic as an excuse, say youll consider it then but currently your being strict with the rules and don't want to meet for safety reasons.

Most people here seem to be incapable of reading the OP’s posts properly. It’s not the child’s mother who wants contact. It’s her maternal GRANDMOTHER. After three years??? I would tell her to do one.

@SleeplessNutNotInSeattle nope it's Granddaughter's Mum that wants contact.

If social services were involved and he was given court awarded custody, he should go back to social services and ask for their support and advice. She must've been deemed to be a risk to the child in some way, that's not for your son to assess whether she still is now. It also means everything is done properly, of he allowed her access and she's still a by

@HowLongCanICallitBabyWeight erm no if a mum wants to put a baby up for adoption at birth it's done via social services and they contact the biological father...

Most people here seem to be incapable of reading the OP’s posts properly.
I don't know why you are so incapable of reading it properly.

Tbf, it is slightly ambiguous but I'm pretty sure the OP is referring to the child's mum and not the child's maternal grandmother.

OP, can you please confirm you are not referring to the child's other grandmother?

Definitely get social services to help facilitate contact at first. It would be awful if it went wrong and it's a lot of pressure on your son to decide what speed and how to handle it. Social services will help them build it up to a good relationship

OP has confirmed its the child's mum.

*if he allowed access and she's still considered a risk he could be seen as not safeguarding the child appropriately

@RandomMess the OP stated for the safety of the baby. I work in this area I know how the process works thanks

Honestly, I agree with your son. How do you know this isn't some passing want by this girl? How do any of you know that she will step up and be a mother to her own daughter? She may just want a little contact and then run away again. That will confuse the child.

So no. She can do what every man has to do. Go to court and fight for access. If she's actually wanting to see her daughter, she'll do it. If she doesn't, you've got your answer.

@HowLongCanICallitBabyWeight at no point did the OP say it was for the baby's safety, she clearly said the Mum wasn't ready and wanted her to be adopted.

@RandomMess she did yesterday at 10:34

LOL safe with her son!!

OP, I think you and your son need to imagine the conversations he might have with his daughter when she's older. She'll ask about her mother, and while it's one thing to have to say that her mother never wanted anything to do with her, it's quite another to have to say that he didn't let her spend time with her mother. I know it's hard, and I understand why he feels like he wants to refuse, but it really is important for the child that she is allowed to see her mother.

And on the safeguarding point, obviously it shouldn't be unsupervised access, at least at the start. If the father doesn't want to see her, maybe OP could take her granddaughter.