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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if we're doing the right thing

126 replies

Kitten0192 · 27/07/2020 18:09

I'm new here but could do with some advice

My son is 20 and my granddaughter is 3. Her mum wanted her to be adopted but my son said he'd bring her up. Anyway he has with abit of my help and her mum hasn't contacted him until a few days ago. Asking to see granddaughter and son has said no because it'll confuse granddaughter and he said he doesn't want her involved in his or granddaughtees life. Her mum has said he can't stop her being involved in her daughter's kife.

Are we being unreasonable can we have some advice please

OP posts:
Feralkidsatthecampsite · 29/07/2020 09:46

Maybe your ds is worried whatever upbringing the girl had that made her give up her baby would be somehow passed to his dc via the dgm.

TeenPlusTwenties · 29/07/2020 09:49

The child deserves an opportunity to get to know her mother.
Your son should not deny that.

HowLongCanICallitBabyWeight · 29/07/2020 09:56

@RandomMess she didn't say that, she said they were involved to make sure baby was safe. If the child's father has equal parental responsibility, why would there need to be a safeguarding assessment? There wouldn't be if the child's mother had sole custody. It would only be if there was a possibility there may be a risk to the child, given he was awarded sole legal custody is unlikely that risk was seen at coming from him

honeylulu · 29/07/2020 09:59

Son needs to proceed with caution. If pursued in court the mother would likely get access. But sudden exposure to her mother who is a stranger might be traumatic for the child and care needs to be taken to ensure her mental and physical health is not at risk in any way.

I'm not sure who the correct advisor would be - social services?

How your son feels is understandable. It must be a right slap in the face after all this time for the uninterested mother to barge in but she does (or rather will have) rights to see the child, and the child has the right to see/know her.

KeepingPlain · 29/07/2020 10:00

If this thread was about a young mother not wanting the dad to see his child because he fucked off when the baby was born, you'd all say he has to go to court to get access.

It's no different just because she is a woman. She gave up her child. She didn't want the child. Now suddenly she does? Fine no problem, prove it. Go to court and fight for access. Prove you want to be in your child's life. How does anyone know that she won't abandon her kid again? You want to mess up a child? Let her do that, that will really fuck the poor kid up. Really make her feel unwanted.

GinGinHooray · 29/07/2020 10:05

The mother would get access if she goes through the courts.

This way he has more control over the visits and frequency.

Also, if in years to come when his DD finds out her mother wanted to see her but he blocked access, she may never forgive him.

Goinghometocallie · 29/07/2020 10:09

Phone the social workers and ask for their help in how to deal with the situation properly. They’re not all bad. They’re there to do the best for the kids. They will help you set up access in a slow and controlled manner.

TinkersTailor · 29/07/2020 11:07

@SleeplessNutNotInSeattle The OP ha clarified several times that it's the child's mum who wants contact.

The only one incapable of comprehension is you.

HoppingPavlova · 29/07/2020 11:10

The mother would get access if she goes through the courts.

Yes, that’s right, but would she actually bother to do this. If yes, then at least it shows she has commitment and will be unlikely to come in, throw things into disarray only to bugger off quickly. If she can’t be bothered to jump through those hoops then it shows she is not serious and thus may be a fleeting ‘want’.

The other benefit of court is that, given the background, there is no way she is just going to be granted open slather initially. They will direct a schedule based on best interests of the child considering the mum is a complete stranger at this point.

pinkyredrose · 29/07/2020 11:10

He's in the wrong. He sounds rather bullheaded about it too, he's got no good reason to not let his daughter see her mum.

TinkersTailor · 29/07/2020 11:13

@KeepingPlain When we're talking about adults that should know better, yep completely agree.

But a 17 year old girl from a strict, religious family...
Abortion probably not allowed, child out of wedlock definitely not allowed.
I'm not of the belief that she truly wanted to give up the child, I think she was forced.
If not by coercion, then by making her life a misery until she'd no other option.

Yes, things should be taken very slowly, the child should be the main concern of everyone but I'm thinking the mum has been through hell too.

Choukette · 29/07/2020 11:15

The OP is confusing - it could be relating to either the Mother of the Child or the Grandmother of the Child due to the overuse of Her and Mother.

That being said - all these people saying "suddenly meeting a stranger is traumatic" etc. seriously, WTF, do you keep your children in bubbles? Ours meet strangers quite frequently, some they get to know, some they just meet once or twice. They haven't been traumatised (along with the millions of other children who meet strangers every day).

Yes, Grandmother should have access to the child, but agree it should start and build up slowly with regards to her being alone with the child in the future.

Your DS may not have thought about this, but for health or medical reasons - him or his daughter may need to have contact or information from his daughter's maternal family in the future.

KeepingPlain · 29/07/2020 11:20

@TinkersTailor

In all fairness though, we don't know that though. We don't know why she gave up the child, if the religious family was the reason or not. Maybe it was, but how do we then know she won't just run away again to keep her family happy?

She cant just flit in and out of the child's life when she feels like it, and no one has a clue as to whether she will do that or not, not even the father.

She needs to prove she's changed her mind. Giving access even through controlled means could still end up with the child being abandoned again. But now she's old enough to start understanding what's happening. That's not fair on the child at all. The mother is capable of understanding the situation and what she's done fully, if she does regret it and wants to make up for it, going through court and then slow contact will be a price she's willing to pay.

Cupoftchaiagain · 29/07/2020 11:22

Can you help him to agree a slow start with her - letters, photos, then phoning at a regular time, - she will need to show she can be reliable dependable and put child’s needs first. You don’t have to hand contact to her on a plate but do need to make it possible.

TinkersTailor · 29/07/2020 11:29

@KeepingPlain Oh no, I completely agree.

I just think the son shouldn't be saying absolutely not, no way.
Start v. small definitely, not even F2F contact at the start and build up.
If she lets baby down then he'll know where he stands.

I just think a blanket ban on a 17 year old who's had no parental support and a rough ride is a bit harsh - dad was lucky that he had support from family, she didn't have that luxury.

KeepingPlain · 29/07/2020 11:43

@TinkersTailor

Yeah very true, he needs to give her a chance to show she has changed. Saying no completely isn't fair unless there's a very good reason.

HollowTalk · 29/07/2020 11:55

[quote SummerSnapdragon]Grand parents don't have an automatic right to see a child, if you can't come to an informal agreement court is the only way and the court will usually decide what is in the best interest of the child:

www.gov.uk/contact-grandchild-parents-divorce-separate[/quote]
This is about a young mum's right to see her daughter - the OP is the grandparent.

1Morewineplease · 29/07/2020 11:58

I would contact Social Services for advice on this.
Given that we don’t know the whole story and that SS have previously been involved, I’m not sure that we should be giving advice on here.

Oliversmumsarmy · 29/07/2020 12:20

I can understand why your Ds is blocking access. He might think she will take away his child after he has done all the hard bits.

If this woman did go through with giving her baby away then she wouldn’t be able to come back into the child’s life only if her child contacted her at 18

I would start off with a few pictures and letters and maybe 30 minutes in a park or play centre but any more and she needs to go to court to get a formal access agreement.

I must admit I would want to know her motives.

Even if your Ds has full legal custody what was stopping her from visiting her child once per week for 20 minutes or showing a little interest in her baby

My question would be Why Now?

burdog · 29/07/2020 12:36

Very unreasonable, sorry.

steppemum · 29/07/2020 14:28

READ THE THREAD people,
or at least the OPs posts, she has clarified that this is the child's mother asking for access.

PicsInRed · 29/07/2020 14:48

@bethg21

if this was a woman posting you would all be telling her naaaaa he had his chance fuck him off ! lol
If this was a woman, she would be told the father would be awarded contact and not to unreasonably withhold contact - starting slowly - unless there were genuine safety concerns.

Looking at the age, was this girl mid teens when she got pregnant? Barely out of childhood herself. Perhaps she didn't have the support systems to keep the baby, but she went through with the pregnancy and gave the child to the willing father (or his family, anyway). I'm not seeing a dangerous monster here. I would proceed carefully, but the family courts would say proceed you must.

PicsInRed · 29/07/2020 14:52

Reading about the religious family, this sounds rather Magdalene Sisters and I don't think it's likely this child truly wanted to give up her child at all or had much choice in the matter.

How much did she understand about sex and contraception at 16 if she was from such a background? This is just so terribly sad.

Wonderland18 · 29/07/2020 15:14

I’d advise she needs to go through the courts for access, they won’t grant her 100% and will likely start with minimal getting to know each other contact. It’s the safest way to integrate her mum into her life after all this time.

Original poster
Kitten0192 · 29/07/2020 16:10

This thread is about granddaughters mum not grandmother.

Dgd mum was 17 and son was 16 when she was born.

@PicsInRed not sure how much she knew but when son told me she was pregnant he said they were both drunk

OP posts: