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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if we're doing the right thing

126 replies

Kitten0192 · 27/07/2020 18:09

I'm new here but could do with some advice

My son is 20 and my granddaughter is 3. Her mum wanted her to be adopted but my son said he'd bring her up. Anyway he has with abit of my help and her mum hasn't contacted him until a few days ago. Asking to see granddaughter and son has said no because it'll confuse granddaughter and he said he doesn't want her involved in his or granddaughtees life. Her mum has said he can't stop her being involved in her daughter's kife.

Are we being unreasonable can we have some advice please

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitten0192 · 28/07/2020 19:31

Anyone else? She's been texting son again today saying he has to let her see dgd

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 28/07/2020 20:04

When did she contact your son?

I would be inclined to say, let me think about for a month and contact me after 5 weeks. You can have whether she is serious or a flash in the pan.
Is there any safeguarding concerns?
Would social services be someone that could help out?

I be inclined to say yes she could see dgd at her home for a few hours and see how it goes.

heartsonacake · 28/07/2020 20:05

@Kitten0192

Anyone else? She's been texting son again today saying he has to let her see dgd
He does have to; she’s the child’s mother and he’s no right to keep them apart.

Obviously small steps at first, but he can’t stop the mother from seeing her child.

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 28/07/2020 20:08

Imo if her attitude is getting shirty I would advise her you are seeking advice from ss...
And do so.

RandomMess · 28/07/2020 20:11

It's the same as if it were an absent father, he can insist on mediation and then court.

If the Mum is serious then she needs to commit to building up contact slowly and start coughing up up maintenance willingly.

Pollypocket89 · 28/07/2020 20:16

Can you go back to social services and ask for advice?

I'd only allow supervised visits

TeenPlusTwenties · 28/07/2020 20:16

I would say allow contact but obviously supervised by someone and short time.
Your son needs to know she is going to stick around and be constant.
Maybe start with a couple of hours in the park once a fortnight and go from there?

123rd · 28/07/2020 20:17

Is your son still in contact with a social worker type support ? Maybe ask their advice

forrestgreen · 28/07/2020 20:20

Tell him to let her know that she can go through the courts to gain access and he'll put a claim in for maintenance.
Both should be happening if she has no issues.

HeddaGarbled · 28/07/2020 20:25

They weren’t far off children themselves when they had the child. She panicked. He needs to forgive her.

Rtmhwales · 28/07/2020 20:36

*He does have to; she’s the child’s mother and he’s no right to keep them apart.

Obviously small steps at first, but he can’t stop the mother from seeing her child.*

I'd imagine he well can, until the mother makes an actual application to court. Again, I'd have my DC in this situation (mother or father) advise the non contact parent to proceed with a court application and inform them I'd be making a child maintenance claim. That little girl has the right to be financially supported by both of her biological parents.

If the mother is serious about having a relationship with her daughter now after nothing for three years, she will pursue it. If it's a passing interest, she likely won't.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 28/07/2020 20:36

Did your 17 year old boy look after this baby or was it you? Did the childs mother have an equally supportive parent - unlikely from the sounds of it. Both the child and her mother have every right to develop a relationship with each other. That is solidly in the child’s best interests unless the mother is a dangerous drug addicted pedophile (& even then courts still allow access to some fathers). Start facilitating this in a way that suits you all or the Courts will force it.

ZeldalovesLink · 28/07/2020 20:41

I think your son should aim to facilitate contact but proceeding very slowly. She can’t waltz in after 3 years and expect for step right back into your granddaughter’s life.

If she’s willing to take it slow with video calls progressing up to short meetings with your son present and then take it from there then I think it would be in your granddaughter’s interests to make it happen. But if she is simply expecting to have as much contact as she wants on her own terms she is being totally unreasonable.

Original poster
Kitten0192 · 28/07/2020 20:52

No he isn't in contact with social services anymore and we weren't sure if they'd be able to give advice.

She contacted son last week.

@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo son mostly looked granddaughter when she was a baby but I helped and still do when he's working etc

OP posts:
BobCat2020 · 28/07/2020 21:05

She should have to pay maintenance if she wants contact.

MaskingForIt · 28/07/2020 21:18

Your son is either the most mature teenage father ever, or this is a reverse.

Original poster
Kitten0192 · 28/07/2020 21:28

@MaskingForIt what do you mean reverse?

And forgot to add in my previous reply that granddaughters mums parents are quite religious and strict so I don't think they were supportive especially as son and granddaughters mum weren't in a relationship

OP posts:
Pollypocket89 · 28/07/2020 21:31

I think it's sad people wouldn't believe a young boy would take care of his own child. I'm not sure what to advise, op, but best of luck

IncrediblySadToo · 28/07/2020 21:33

Your son is a credit to you, raising his DD when he was so young himself (though I suspect you've helped more than you're letting in)

I can totally see why he doesn't want DGD's mother seeing her, I wouldn't either as she hasn't bothered with her in 3 years & wanted to adopt her out. If she had adopted her out she wouldn't have the option to change her mind 3 years in!

I'm not sure, given she wanted to have her adopted out and signed full custody over to DS I'm not sure if she'll get access or not, but probably. However, that's not really the point - what is in DGD's best interest?

He needs to say if there's an actual reason he doesn't think she should she her, beyond him not wanting her to because HE has brought her up for 3 years without her & doesn't want her wading into their lives now & upsetting the nice life he's made for them.

Id be pissed off too, but unless he has good reason to think she won't be good for/to hus DD then he should find an amicable way forward.

As much as it'll be difficult for him.

HeddaGarbled · 28/07/2020 22:29

‘Hasn’t bothered’ is unfair: she was 17 with strict, religious parents. You don’t know what she’s been through in the last 3 years. She’s a victim, not a monster. Have some compassion.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 28/07/2020 22:36

How will he explain to his daughter in years to come that her mother wanted contact but he refused.

He simply cannot do that to her. Surely it's better for her to know that both her parents love her.

They cant get legal agreements drawn up for visitation, maintenance etc, but she is far better off with two parents who love her.

If he wants to be the loving parent he has proved to be so far, then he needs to put his daughters best interests first and foremost here.

TinkersTailor · 28/07/2020 23:08

Reading that she's from a strict, religious family has changed things a bit for me.

The poor girl must have been through hell with her family carrying the child, I don't reckon she wanted to give her up for adoption - I imagine she was forced.
I imagine abortion was off the table and she had no other option.

She was just 17. We're not talking about a secure, stable adult who should know better.

Your son is lucky to have you. He's had parental support emotionally as well as physically (and likely financially too.)
I'd implore him to think of what he would have done if he didn't have you, if he was in her position.

He doesn't and, in this situation definitely, shouldn't have the right to stop her from building a relationship with her child.

RandomMess · 28/07/2020 23:23

Your granddaughter will benefit from building a positive real relationship with her Mum.

You and your DS need to proceed with caution but open minded. Mediation would be a good way forward to discuss with her what relationship she envisages in the future and what she thinks are the steps to get there.

RoseTintedAtuin · 28/07/2020 23:23

I think (hope) access is likely to be granted To mother but I would suggest it is in the interests of all parties that it goes through the courts. That way everyone understands where they stand legally and your son (and the mother) will be sure she is serious about being a stable and continuous part of your grand daughters life. It might also give him space to get to grips with the mother being part of his life having spent time coming to terms with the likelihood she wouldn’t be.

Shizzlestix · 28/07/2020 23:28

The mum has a right to see her child. She can go to court and will almost undoubtedly be granted contact. Is your son worried he’ll lose custody? That’s unlikely given he has full custody. Your granddaughter has the right to know her mum and I hate to think how she’ll react in the future if her dad tries to prevent her knowing her mum.

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