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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if we're doing the right thing

126 replies

Kitten0192 · 27/07/2020 18:09

I'm new here but could do with some advice

My son is 20 and my granddaughter is 3. Her mum wanted her to be adopted but my son said he'd bring her up. Anyway he has with abit of my help and her mum hasn't contacted him until a few days ago. Asking to see granddaughter and son has said no because it'll confuse granddaughter and he said he doesn't want her involved in his or granddaughtees life. Her mum has said he can't stop her being involved in her daughter's kife.

Are we being unreasonable can we have some advice please

OP posts:
DontTouchTheMoustache · 27/07/2020 19:20

Sorry OP I think YABU. i can totally understand how hard this is.for your son and why he would feel this way but legally she will be able to get access rights. As pp said it would be better all round to keep things amicable and do things on your terms without getting courts involved.

2020wasShocking · 27/07/2020 19:21

@TheGirlWithAPrince

a lot of people seem confused and think this is about the girls mum but its about her Grandma wanting contact is that right?

It definitely wont confuse a 3 year old, and unless a backstory they should be allowed contact.

Plus it may be nice to have a bigger family for her in the future

I don’t think that’s right.

I think the majority of people are right and that it is about the child’s mother wanting access. Not the grandmother (from the other side) of the child

2020wasShocking · 27/07/2020 19:25

It’s hard OP but I think as others have stated, I thunk he’ll have to let her see DC. It seems unfair but he’ll have to put his feelings aside and think of what’s best for DC.

I can understand why he’s cautious though. I suppose the ‘mum’ of DC would have been a child herself when she was born so maybe she’s grown up.

Caravanserai · 27/07/2020 19:28

OP, is it the child’s other grandmother or her mother who wants to see your granddaughter?

TinkersTailor · 27/07/2020 19:31

Unfortunately, he has no legal right to stop her from seeing the child.

I imagine if it went to court she'd be granted contact (even if in v. small doses to start with.)

I'm sorry, the situation sounds tough.

OhYeahYouSuck · 27/07/2020 19:35

It's quite clearly the child's mother who has reappeared asking for contact.

If you son refuses it could get messy. She has PR. How would your GD feel in years to come when she finds out her mother did want to see her and her father refused?

TheGirlWithAPrince · 27/07/2020 19:43

ohhhh her mum has contacted!! in that case it would be disgusting to refuse that. and tell you what if i grew to find out that my parent had stopped my relationship with my other parent then i would go NC because no one has the right to do that to my life, unless its because he wants to protect from abuse which this is not.

He Needs to let his daughter see her mum and yes the courts would say the same as its in the childs best interest

heartsonacake · 27/07/2020 19:51

YABVU. Your son doesn’t get to decide he doesn’t want her involved; it’s not up to him.

She’s the child’s parent too and it’s in the best interests of the child to have both parents in their lives (obviously barring abuse etc.)

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 27/07/2020 20:03

The best thing would be to allow short, regular contact which is supervised by someone your son trusts. He needs to be able to show that he hasn't prevented contact- not just to the court but to his daughter when she is older. The child's mother might or might not keep up the contact, but she needs to have the chance, for the child's sake.

It's easy to see why he wouldn't want to allow it, but it could go badly for him if he doesn't. Honestly, courts hate that sort of behaviour.

beautifulxdisasters · 27/07/2020 20:10

Your granddaughter has a right to know her mum OP. I know it's very difficult but that's the way it is.

Agree with PPs that it would be in your DS's interest to do this on his terms rather than forcing his ex to take him to court.

puzzledpiece · 27/07/2020 20:11

Maybe making the mother aware she is liable to full child support would persuade her not to have contact? If your DS thinks she would be an unfit mother? Then again it may be in the child's interest to have a relationship with her mother? A court would be the best people to decide that.

bethg21 · 27/07/2020 20:17

if this was a woman posting you would all be telling her naaaaa he had his chance fuck him off ! lol

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 27/07/2020 20:18

If it's contact for the other dgm then no law says you can be the only one.. A bit tricky if the dm doesn't want to know dgd but if ds was 17, how old was his gf?
Pretty hefty decision to have made as a teen herself...

Original poster
Kitten0192 · 27/07/2020 20:19

It's granddaughters mum who wants contact

Thanks everyone for all of your replies. I did tell son the other day itd be best if he let her see granddaughter but he said no because she didn't want her so I agreed with him but you've made me see we are bu so I'll let him know as itd be easier than going to court

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitten0192 · 27/07/2020 20:35

@Feralkidsatthecampsite Son was 16 and granddaughters mum was 17 when granddaughter was born. Granddaughters mum was going to put granddaughter up for adoption because she wasn't ready for a baby and she wasn't in a relationship with son so they wouldn't have been a family

OP posts:
YoBeaches · 27/07/2020 20:41

And fair play to your son by the way, for standing by his dd so young. At that age it could have been easy to let the adoption happen. Credit to you. Hope it works out positively.

MsJinks · 27/07/2020 20:45

I think the replies may have been more moderate if it had been a dad turning up after 3 years. My child’s father used to want to see her, then go off for years at a time - very hurtful but he did this with all relationships and his own parents suggested waiting until she was older at one point where he casually tried to drop in. As an adult she does not resent my refusal at that point now she has been on the receiving end of his peculiarities. I think in this case you’ve got to give it a go, but gradually build it up from very little to start - if you’ve not seen the mum for 3 years you don’t really know how she will be - if she is genuinely here to stay and putting her daughter first she will understand. Courts can be necessary but are dreadful, drawn out, cause further strife between parents and benefit mainly the solicitors sadly. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be worried, to feel upset, to think you need to protect the child, to react initially with a no - but probably unreasonable to not start building blocks for contact. It will be hard for your son - and you - though, not sure why some people aren’t seeing this - hopefully it all turns out well in the end for all of you.

Lovethyselfff · 27/07/2020 20:59

I think it’s unreasonable to fully deny contact. I suggest he proceeds cautiously and starts of slowly, e.g an hour a week in a beau real place whilst dad is there also and just slowly increase it each week. I would say he needs to have a conversation with the mum to confirm that she wants to be a permanent fixture in their daughters life.
They was both young, yes he stepped up but she should allowed to make amends.

Rtmhwales · 27/07/2020 21:01

Does your son have full custody legally?

Personally I'd say no and let her pursue access through court. Same thing on here that's always suggested when dead beat dads show up. And I'd pursued her for maintenance too.

InThisMultiverse · 27/07/2020 21:19

He can refuse. She can take the matter to
Court. A section 7 report will be completed. This will consider mum’s commitment among other things and recommend a form and frequency of contact that promotes the welfare of the child and is manageable for the mum. A Court would not want to introduce frequent contact if mum will go awol in a few months or doesn’t recognise the impact of her failure to develop a relationship with the child thus far.

AragornsManlyStubble · 27/07/2020 21:27

If it’s her other grandmother then no, I would deny contact and let her fight it in court. She hasn’t bothered up until now and the child deserves better.

I was that child except my grandparent never bothered, even if they had I would have wanted someone to tell them to bugger off.

AragornsManlyStubble · 27/07/2020 21:29

Shit sorry, I misread! Though in all honesty my answer doesn’t change, I was left by my mum and although we have a relationship now I wish someone had also stopped contact when I was a child.

OneForMeToo · 27/07/2020 21:34

I think it’s need to go slowly. And definitely not introduced straight off as mummy’s here. She needs to understand this three year old doesn’t know who she is and that she’s going to have to just meet without expectations or pressure on the child to preform to whatever idea she has.

She also needs to start paying maintenance and actually prove she’s going to stick around. She also needs to thank her lucky stars your son stepped up 100% or she wouldn’t have any chance to change to her mind.

She could take your son to court and they would order contact starting small and building up.

steppemum · 27/07/2020 23:17

I think the replies may have been more moderate if it had been a dad turning up after 3 years.

I have seent his question asked many times over the years on mn, and the answer is the same as on here.
You don't get to refuse your child the right to get to know their parent.
BUT you have the right to take action to make sure that happens in a way that is healthy for your child.
In this case, slowly, start with photos and letter/card, build up to short meet etc etc .

She can go to court and demand custody, and she will get access. So better to be in the position where you have some control over how it happens

Original poster
Kitten0192 · 28/07/2020 10:34

Thanks for all of your replies

@Rtmhwales yes son has full custody legally and social services were involved (to make sure granddaughter was safe etc)

OP posts:
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