To consider dating men who are less intelligent than I am?

[happylittletree]

Disclaimer: I know I sound like a dick.

I come from a very low class background and I have clawed my way into respectability and a decent living through sheer will and probably some measure of intelligence. In most of my life, I'm surrounded by intelligent and educated people.

I have gone through a terrible breakup and I would like to date again someday.

In a recent conversation with a lovely and very gay (male) friend, he seemed shocked that I wouldn't just go for a less intelligent man. I think he's done this.

I feel that there is a lot of cultural pressure for women to be with men who they consider to be superior in some way. I realise that I have totally internalised this.

Thoughts? Help...?

Ladies , it's scarce out there .

You don't sound like a dick.

It depends what you mean by less intelligent. No degree? Not well educated? Not able to hold political discussion with you?

Maybe be open-minded to people from all walks of life, rather than trying to find someone 'superior'. My partner thinks I'm cleverer than him because of how I speak and my knowledge of grammar. I think he is cleverer than me due to his understanding of advanced Physics!

I couldn't be with someone I thought was 'thick'. Maybe I'm a dick too. 🤷🏻‍♀️😁

How are you measuring intelligence? If you can have an interesting conversation with someone, hold similar values and have things in common then does it matter what their IQ is?

My dh has more qualifications than me but he'd say I'm more intelligent than him.

It depends on what you want from a relationship and what you value.

For some people intelligence (in the conventional sense) is absolutely essential, others place more of a priority on other things: reliability, affectionate nature, looks, money, you name it.

It also depends how you define intelligence: there are many different ways someone can be intelligent (being very well-read vs mathematically bright but not confident with the written word, street smart vs book smart, creative smart etc) and you can cut off your nose to spite your face if you're looking for intelligence which fits into a particular template and ignore someone who has a different kind of intelligence. It's also worth pointing out that some of the most obviously academic people can lack a lot of common sense and emotional intelligence.

I think you're right that there is some cultural pressure on women to seek out men who are, or are perceived to be, more intelligent than them. That's probably partly a hangover from the days when the man was expected to be the breadwinner and therefore settling down with a man who was significantly less intelligent was probably saddling yourself with someone with poor earning capacity.

I think if you are very intelligent and ambitious and want to be challenged you are likely to struggle with someone significantly less intelligent than you are because you are going to get bored and lose respect. But I wouldn't rule someone out because they're not an academic whizz or an intellectual showboater.

I have a degree but my fiance doesn't. He's a very intelligent man. We talk in depth about a variety of subjects and it's obvious that he's intelligent.

I just asked my DP how many gcses he has and he answered 'four?' . He's the smartest guy I know. Obviously I would say that. Smashes everyone on countdown and mastermind and consistently is better than me in almost everything including English (which is v important in my work).... can find solutions to almost everything.

Emotional intelligence? He's learning.

Are you conflating educational success with intelligence?

How are you judging the intelligence of these men? What is it you are looking for, conversations about the world or politics, someone well read? or someone to crunch the numbers on the next shuttle launch or do sudoku with?

I think you need to narrow down what it is you do want.

Having a degree doesn’t necessary equal intelligence. It just means you chose to go to University. However there are some people that are not intelligent, can’t hold a conversation, have no Interest in what is going on in the world and Generally a bit dull. I wouldn’t lower your standardsz

There is no way I would consider dating someone less intelligent. I really admire intelligence and it is my number one requirement in a partner.

I can't imagine being part of a team where there was a significant difference in intelligence. I could date someone with slightly higher intelligence but not someone who is even slightly less intelligent. I don't want to have to educate a partner.

Intelligence is the trait I value most highly in a potential partner.

I have postgraduate degrees but I would happily date an airhead who looked like Henry Cavill. Get yourself a hot sexy man and forget about his brain!

This is the part that may be dickish: I judge this based almost totally on my own perception of a man's intelligence. I am not even sure how much it relates to education. My parents aren't educated, but I completely respect their respective areas of intelligence. To me, it's very obviously a separate thing.

I have dated MDs and thought they were super dumb - they tend to be able to absorb a lot of information and apply it in a limited context but then to have very conventional ideas about many things. Obviously this is a broad generalisation, but I think the point is that this is quite a nuanced thing.

Back to me being dickish: people I know talk about how intelligent I am as if it's intimidating. I'm not trying to humblebrag about this - I'm actually sincerely confused about how to deal with it as a woman in a world where men also tend to want the be the superior party.

Ps the reason I mention my gay friend is just because he's amazingly intelligent and successful, and he seemed confused by my approach. I think that men in general may not feel so boxed in by wanting a partner who is superior to them.

Sod anyone who goes into a relationship WANTING to be the superior party. Why would you want those people? Why would anyone?

Whoops - just realised I phrased that poorly, I'm talking about the sort of man who wants their women barefoot and in the kitchen/woman who wants their man to pander to her every whim. Relationships should be shared, not one superior.

Widening your catchment area doesn't mean you'd be superior. Sounds like you'd be horribly bored in that situation.

I assume you’re dumbing down your communication here given your unusually high level of intelligence....

Being able to converse is important. Beyond that I’m not at all sure how one measures intelligence in a way that allows for comparison? What is marking people out as superior in this area?

I read your comment about the ‘super dumb’ doctors you’ve dated as perhaps indicating you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder, is that possible? It’s certainly how it came across. Do you have a lot invested in maintaining a veneer of ‘intimidating’ intelligence? Most highly intelligent people don’t tend to.

Lol having a degree doesn't make you intelligent, the fact you don't know this basic fact is comical

@Flowers009

Lol having a degree doesn't make you intelligent, the fact you don't know this basic fact is comical

Finally someone said it!

And you've dated 'super dumb' MDs?

I don't know whether to laugh or feel sorry for the way you're putting yourself across here OP.

You're not covering yourself in glory no matter how often you admit to being 'dickish'.

Yabu.
You sound judgemental to me.
Just because someone doesn't have a masters or a degree, doesn't make them inferior to you.
They maybe creative or more hands on than you, a different intelligence, not inferior.

My DH thinks I'm more clever than him because I went further in college. In my eyes he's more clever than me, as he has a huge grasp on history, is far more up to date than I am on politics and current affairs and has worked extremely hard to get where he is today .

Be open minded and you mum at just find what you're looking for.

I’m not sure what you want to gain other than intelligence. What other personality qualities are you looking for? Isn’t been more compatible, kind and being treated properly by somebody more important?

It sounds very shallow OP.

*May just find what your looking for

Honestly if you've gone through a terrible break up I'd just fill yer boots with a hottie and go from there tbh. Keep an open mind. As long as you click with them and share a sense of humour there are all sorts of people you could fall in love with. Good luck for the future OP

I thought I was clear that it's not about degrees? My point is that doctors are very intelligent in their own way but I have not typically connected with them because many I've encountered just don't seem intellectual I guess (?).

This is based purely on my own perceptions. Maybe this sounds snobbish, but I basically don't want to feel that I have to explain everything to a potential partner.

I also just want to feel he is smarter and can make all the decisions in the the relationship. This seems rather backward?

Thanks @toastmeahotcrossbun

I also just want to feel he is smarter and can make all the decisions in the the relationship. This seems rather backward?

It makes you sound like a child wanting to marry her parent to be honest.

I think you have a lot of growing up to do.