Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider dating men who are less intelligent than I am?

152 replies

happylittletree · 26/07/2020 23:07

Disclaimer: I know I sound like a dick.

I come from a very low class background and I have clawed my way into respectability and a decent living through sheer will and probably some measure of intelligence. In most of my life, I'm surrounded by intelligent and educated people.

I have gone through a terrible breakup and I would like to date again someday.

In a recent conversation with a lovely and very gay (male) friend, he seemed shocked that I wouldn't just go for a less intelligent man. I think he's done this.

I feel that there is a lot of cultural pressure for women to be with men who they consider to be superior in some way. I realise that I have totally internalised this.

Thoughts? Help...?

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 27/07/2020 00:23

There are different types of intelligence. On paper I am more intelligent that DH (Mensa level IQ etc). He was chatting to me in his second language (English) whilst watching the news in his third (French). I do not have these sorts of language skills. So am I really more intelligent? My DB is amazingly practical he will have taken something apart and fixed it whilst I look for the instruction manual. Who is the more intelligent?

Don’t rule people out because of a narrow view of intelligence. Rule people out for being obnoxious, closed minded, boring, bigoted etc.

Original poster
happylittletree · 27/07/2020 00:23

@Bananabread8 that's an interesting point. I remember a friend telling me she couldn't stand men under 6 feet tall. I thought it was so gross and shallow. I can see this may be similar

OP posts:
Original poster
happylittletree · 27/07/2020 00:25

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude to be honest, I didn't think I'd write off your partner. Where did you find such a person?

OP posts:
TooFrickinHot · 27/07/2020 00:26

Meh, some people only like tall men, or men they feel can physically protect them, or witty men or whatever.. Personally I'm similar to you in that intelligence is really important to me. Date who you like.

WorraLiberty · 27/07/2020 00:27

Where did you find such a person?

What does that matter?

Do you think people like that congregate in the same place? Confused

Original poster
happylittletree · 27/07/2020 00:27

@WorraLiberty this is exactly what I am concerned about. Am I a dick?

OP posts:
Llamazoom · 27/07/2020 00:27

Lots of people are intelligent in different ways, I’m a whizz at maths but can’t for the life of me read a map, my exH barely knows the times table but can read a map and make furniture from instructions competently while I would still be scratching my head hours later.
Swings and roundabouts surely. Having a degree doesn’t make someone superior or more intelligent than someone who doesn’t. Awful snobbery.

Original poster
happylittletree · 27/07/2020 00:28

@WorraLiberty I'm an immigrant and we are in a post COVID world. I am very keen to learn how people are connecting!!!

OP posts:
TooFrickinHot · 27/07/2020 00:28

I also just want to feel he is smarter and can make all the decisions in the the relationship

Yikes! I missed that bit.. Honestly you need to do some soul searching about that one.. That's really not healthy!

WorraLiberty · 27/07/2020 00:29

[quote happylittletree]@WorraLiberty this is exactly what I am concerned about. Am I a dick?[/quote]
You're certainly coming across as one a bit yes, but more childish I'd say given that you said I also just want to feel he is smarter and can make all the decisions in the the relationship.

Seriously this is 2020 and you want a man to make all the decisions in your relationship?

That's not smart or intelligent at all. Think about it.

WorraLiberty · 27/07/2020 00:30

[quote happylittletree]@WorraLiberty I'm an immigrant and we are in a post COVID world. I am very keen to learn how people are connecting!!![/quote]
Oh

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 27/07/2020 00:31

I bumped into him on a night out with friends and took a chance. We’ve been married for 20 years.

Bananabread8 · 27/07/2020 00:31

I don’t think your comparison is similar. At least height is clear cut (and your friend made it clear). From what your saying OP it’s all confusing. So you have spoken to Drs and you haven’t connected... you have assumed it’s based on intelligence (or lack of). Connection isn’t based on intelligence though?? So maybe you didn’t connect with the Dr but it’s for a totally separate reason

Original poster
happylittletree · 27/07/2020 00:34

Emotionally I want a man to make the decisions. Intellectually, I know that's bad.

This is all highlighting to me how I feel so need someone else to guide meConfused

But also if I enter into a relationship with someone I want to know they are not total idiots. Even this seems like such a high bar based on what I've seen

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 27/07/2020 00:37

But also if I enter into a relationship with someone I want to know they are not total idiots. Even this seems like such a high bar based on what I've seen

What would you say is preventing you from being accepted into more intelligent circles?

SleepingStandingUp · 27/07/2020 00:37

You've internalized some definite nonsense
You day you're an immigrant, in your culture are men seen as above women, shoulders the house and the women within? Cos you keep talking about superior and wanting someone superior to you.

People arent superior to you,they're just different.
A man who is going to come in and manly make all the decisions in not one likely to respect your needs and values and interests.
It's ok to find intelligent people more attractive, but dont judge a book by its cover.The only way you willow how intelligent in whatever way you define it is to talk to them.

Original poster
happylittletree · 27/07/2020 00:37

@Bananabread8 that may be true!

OP posts:
Iggypoppie · 27/07/2020 00:39

I used to go for intelligence and ended up with a self obsessed misery guts whose only focus was with writing a book about WW2.

Now I just want someone caring and funny. Because if we can laugh together it that's shows we're on the same level, regardless of academic achievement.

cushioncovers · 27/07/2020 00:39

Academic intelligence yes. Emotional intelligence no.

Llamazoom · 27/07/2020 00:39

I think you may have a few daddy issues going on and there’s this new thing called feminism, all the intelligent women with degrees are into it. Check it out.
What a bizarre thread.

WorraLiberty · 27/07/2020 00:40

Where are you an immigrant from OP?

Bananabread8 · 27/07/2020 00:42

We all want things. You can’t over plan things and it sounds like your doing this. Don’t drop your standards if that’s what you really want and makes you happy go for it. I do think you could miss opportunity by basing too much on intelligence. Not everybody is at the same level and it’s unrealistic to expect everybody to be. I’m intrigued to know how you know someone is really intelligent and not just knowledgeable.

FraughtwithGin · 27/07/2020 00:42

Why not go for someone, who is kind, amusing and cuddly?

Zilla1 · 27/07/2020 00:42

Most people are not able to judge their own (or other people's) intelligence very well.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Illusory_superiority

TooFrickinHot · 27/07/2020 00:43

Op my dp is cleverer than me (academically, plus generally just 'sharper'). I'd be lying if I said that wasn't part of the attraction. But he definitely DOESN'T make all the decisions in the relationship Shock. Honestly I think you need counselling or something to examine why you'd want someone to do that. Worth spending some £££ now to set yourself up for healthy relationships in the future.