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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider dating men who are less intelligent than I am?

152 replies

happylittletree · 26/07/2020 23:07

Disclaimer: I know I sound like a dick.

I come from a very low class background and I have clawed my way into respectability and a decent living through sheer will and probably some measure of intelligence. In most of my life, I'm surrounded by intelligent and educated people.

I have gone through a terrible breakup and I would like to date again someday.

In a recent conversation with a lovely and very gay (male) friend, he seemed shocked that I wouldn't just go for a less intelligent man. I think he's done this.

I feel that there is a lot of cultural pressure for women to be with men who they consider to be superior in some way. I realise that I have totally internalised this.

Thoughts? Help...?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 27/07/2020 00:43

Oh I see from your posting history you're an American immigrant.

Original poster
happylittletree · 27/07/2020 00:44

I'm from the United StatesConfused

I'm not locked out of of intellectual circles.

OP posts:
Zilla1 · 27/07/2020 00:44

And that's without even discussing whether there is a general intelligence to assess.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 27/07/2020 00:50

OP, I'm sorry, but I just don't understand what it is you're asking, or what you want? You are sounding a little dickish, tbh.
DP is far more intelligent than I am, but utterly lacking in emotional understanding. We butt heads over things quite frequently as a result, because I'm always looking at things differently to him. But we challenge each other all the time, and that's healthy, surely? He doesn't look down on me because I don't have a degree, and I don't look down on him because he doesn't see things as pragmatically as I do.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/07/2020 00:55

Ok also you've dated MDs and doctors and it still hasn't clicked so what kind of thing do you not click on? You said you don't have to want to explain stuff tho them?
Do you mean explain how an aeroplane works or why you're crying over an advert? How to keep house of blue to understand you? Maybe we can work out what you're. missing.

A!SO consider therapy

backseatcookers · 27/07/2020 01:09

I don't think you mean smarter than you, you mean able to hold their own in a conversation / debate and be intellectually curious and enjoy talking about most issues.

If that's the case then that's not snobbish, it's wanting a partner who feels equal rather than someone you need to teach or someone who you will end up trying to force conversation with.

Fieldofgreycorn · 27/07/2020 01:19

I think you’re massively overthinking it. Just get on with meeting people, socialising and enjoying yourself. Take an interest in other people - for who they are instead of obsessing over yourself, your intelligence and what you think of their intelligence.

1forAll74 · 27/07/2020 01:21

I think you are dwelling too much on this issue. It is not the way to think about any potential partner. There are much deeper and more important things about a person, other than them being intelligent and well educated.

There are hundreds of men out there,who are not well educated, but will have many different great aspects to their personalities, and make great partners. It's not the best thing to do, and try and do a like for like thing when trying to choose a partner.

9PointsOnMyLicence · 27/07/2020 01:29

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katy1213 · 27/07/2020 01:36

How old are you? Because, honestly, you don't sound so intimidatingly intelligent that you need to be too worried about finding a partner at your own level.

CaptainCorellisPangolin · 27/07/2020 01:41

I can see wanting to be with someone who's reasonably intelligent (not necessarily academic), but there's absolutely no reason why your partner would have to be smarter than you.

FortunesFave · 27/07/2020 01:43

I don't like the term lower class. It's shitty. Do you mean working class? That's better.

I'm wc and have "made good" but I don't have a chip on my shoulder. It sounds like you do.

SelkieQualia · 27/07/2020 01:51

You need to address the wanting a partner to make decisions for you thing. Very unhealthy.

9PointsOnMyLicence · 27/07/2020 02:00

I agree with you OP. I married a man based purely on looks not brains. He is muscular, goes like a mechanical bull and has a thick 12 inch cock. No doubt I'll soon tire of him.
We've been married for 50 years, but sooner or later I'll get bored with him.

IncorrigibleTitmouse · 27/07/2020 03:41

I kind of get where you’re coming from. Years ago, I had a conversation about this with a friend who had just started dating her (now) husband. She had quit her job and found another to go out with him because she was his boss. That actually isn’t particularly relevant, but that was the situation.

I was single at the time and we were talking about what I was looking for etc. I told her I would struggle to compromise on: intellectually curious, great at serious conversation and debate, well-travelled or highly eager to travel, and that I could not date a picky eater.

Well, she thought I was mad. Firstly she said I have no physical standards and that’s why I ‘always end up with fat men’. 😂 She said she never had any kind of deep conversation with a partner, that’s what friends are for. And that my other things were just unimportant. For her, her partner had to want at least three children, not be born and raised anywhere but our home city (having all sides of family close by was really important to her), play a sport regularly and have a particular style of hair/grooming.

My point being—we like what we like. Intelligence and worldliness is incredibly attractive to me. Being sporty is not. I watched my Mum’s irritation at being a ‘sports widow’ every single weekend and I find pretty much any organised team sport deadly dull to watch or talk about. I love to surf and hike and ski but that’s about it! You can’t really compromise on what you find attractive if it’s a dealbreaker for you because if you force it it’s unlikely to last anyway!

ATaleOfTwoCovids · 27/07/2020 03:51

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HannaYeah · 27/07/2020 04:35

Look for someone you consider your equal. You don’t pull a cart with two mismatched animals, you pull it with two who are equally strong. Life is a big cart.

Guineapigbridge · 27/07/2020 05:26

So many mean people on this thread trying to knock the OP down a peg. So British to be actively hostile to self-promotion of any type.

OP as someone who was looking for similar things in my 20s I can now say that what I value in a partner has changed. The most useful traits my husband has are not his intelligence (although he is very intelligent, he still puts apostrophes in the wrong place) but his PRACTICAL SKILLS and his KINDNESS. The man can fix anything, which is so useful around the house, and he is genuinely kind to me and our children. Those two things are more important than intelligence, IMO, so my advice is to base your dating decisions on that.

Guineapigbridge · 27/07/2020 05:28

Look for complementary skills not equal skills. That way synergy lies.

Upherefordancing · 27/07/2020 05:40

Intelligence comes in very different forms though. I'm university educated but my DH is not - my work is very cerebral and his is practical. I think that's what attracted me to him - my previous long term partner was also university educated and my DH seemed so fun and spontaneous in comparison.

The writer, Julie Burchill, called universities "sausage factories for the brain" - I'd take emotional intelligence over academic intelligence any day!

It's also worth pointing out that my father has a PHD and thinks my DH is one of the most intelligent men he's ever met...

Rachel1350 · 27/07/2020 05:55

I confess I haven't read the full thread but I think the issue may not be intelligence here but respect. Respect in a relationship is essential. If the OP values intelligence and doesn't respect a partner less intelligent than her (however she measures it) then the relationship won't be worth pursuing.

DropOfffArtiste · 27/07/2020 05:59

If you look for someone to make all the decisions for you, you will be easy prey to controlling and abusive men.

SarahBellam · 27/07/2020 06:05

My DP is far more intelligent than I am. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no eejit, but he is one of those super-nerd geniuses. He doesn’t care. He’s happy as a clam.

Original poster
happylittletree · 27/07/2020 06:39

A lot of people here have ignored everything I have said about intelligence (I have clearly said it's not about degrees) just because they want to have a go at me. That's dumb and boring.

Maybe the posters who have said it's about clicking and respect have it right. When I think someone is dumb, it may just be that we are not compatible. Unfortunately, it's very rare for me to meet a man whom I consider interesting enough to want to know better.

Also, I know I need to work on the desire to have a 'strong and superior man' to take charge. That's obviously unhealthy and will lead to emotionally abusive relationships (like my last one).

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 27/07/2020 06:49

If you want a man who's going to make all the decisions, OP, I wouldn't go for one who's thicker than you. That's not a very clever thing to do.

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