to expect my dad to give me the same as sister

[HerNameWasEliza]

Sister and I are both married. One child each. Her household income is much larger than ours (say 8-10k take home a year more). Sister had serious illness which was, thankfully, not life threatening but meant she was unable to work for about 6 months. Her partner was able to carry on working with maybe only a slight drop in income. Partner is the major earner, bringing in about 2/3 of the family income. They have not joined their finances together.

Sister wants our dad to give her money and thinks I'll be OK not getting the same too as these are special circumstances. I said we have had periods with very little income, though this was dry up in our business related and not ill health and dad did not give us money then. She said that's different.

AIBU to think that if dad gives her money he 'should' give me the same too? (I'm not after his money btw, I would never ask him for cash and would never expect him to share what he has earnt). Or am I being a CF for thinking I deserve the same when my sister has been really ill and that affected their income? (they had no illness insurance BTW. Could have afforded it but it's expensive and they decided to enjoy the extra cash instead).

YABU - your dad should help sister our and give her money he doesn't give you. Her situation is unique.
YANBU - 'fairness' is still important and if he gives her cash he should give you the same.

Your sister shouldn't expect your dad to give her money, but even if he does that's nothing to do with you.

Obviously it's up to your parents, but I do believe in treating siblings fairly from a financial perspective, so YANBU.

If my sister was struggling and my parents could help, no I wouldn’t expect a share.

I would be grateful to receive help should I need it in the future, but why would I take for the sake of it? That’s greedy.

Do you need money are you struggling??? It’s your dads money he can do what he wishes. And I am assuming you and your sister are adults you shouldn’t be taking money off your parents it’s embarrassing

It's your dad's money, it's up to him. I'd hope he would do the same for me if I ever needed it. But does she actually need bailing out?

He shouldn’t give you money just because he’s giving her money - that’s ridiculous.

However, you should feel that he was equally willing to give you money as he is her, if you should ever need it. That’s “fairness”.

My much lower earning younger sister has been given loads by our parents, me - nothing. But I know if I needed it, they care enough about me to do the same for me.

With all due respect your sister’s situation is a temporary blip and your dad can probabably genuinely help. Yours might be a long term situation that no amount of money may fix.

If my sister had been ill and needed some financial help it would not cross my mind to think I should get the same. I know she would think the same. It's kind of awful to expect to be given money you don't need (if you had needed it badly enough you could have asked when necessary) just to make it 'fair'.

I know for a fact that both my parents and my in laws have given our siblings money at their times of need. How much, I have absolutely no idea as it's none of my business. I'm just grateful to have loving parents and in laws that are lucky enough to be in a position to help their adult children if needed.

In most families this sort of situation is dealt with by the inheritance to one of the children being reduced by the amount of extra support they got. You should suggest your dad does that

Your sister is experiencing financial hardship due to a long period of illness. Her husband won't support her and she's had to ask her parents for money, which is pretty embarrassing for an adult.

I don't understand why you're envious of that.

I don't expect anything and I would never ask my dad for money. We don't really have a situation - we have enough money. There have just been times when things have been really, really tight. It's not that I expect money it's just that my sister sort of assumed that I'd be OK with him giving her money and not giving me the same and I found myself thinking "I'm not OK with that" and then feeling bad. She is short of cash but because she and OH don't share their money (she had to 'save up' for mat leave) and because they have enjoyed their wealth over the years and made no provision for a rainy day (which I don't criticize, it's not for me to say how they manage their finances)

You are both married parents

Stand on your own two feet and stop expecting have outs

You both sound like CF's

Yabu both of you

Neither of you should expect any money. I hope he gives his money any way he likes - and if that means your sister then that's up to him.

It sounds like your sister is in a pretty crap marriage if she had to save for her maternity leave. That's shocking.

Your sister has been ill which has impacted her income, and whilst she has a partner they haven’t combined finances - is that right? If so, I’m not surprised your dad may want to help her if he can, and I think you are being a CF expecting him to give you the same now when you aren’t in the same position. If you were then really stuck for money for reasons outside your control in the future I would anticipate your dad wanting to help you then.

You sound very judgmental of her to be honest, for example in terms of the insurance. I assume perhaps you don’t like her very much?

Treating children equally doesn’t require identical treatment at all times.

Good idea @BubblyBarbara

@killerofmen she's not embarrassed. She seems to be OK that they have never joined their finances and did not seem to object to having t o continue to pay her share whilst on mat leave caring for their child. It always grated on me that she was being treated like this and that he was not valuing her contribution but I tell myself not to judge as it's not my business.

(And yes your sister sounds like she is in an awful relationship if she had to save up for her maternity leave! I’m not surprised your dad may want to help her on that basis either!)

@Shamoo god, no I love her to bits! Not judgemental at all I'm just trying to lay out the whole situation here. We have no such insurance either.

Dad is not offering her money BTW, she is cross that he's not offering it to her.

@Ellisandra

My sister's household income is a lot more than ours. Their basic outgoings are pretty similar so it's not a case of giving more to the lower earner. Though obviously, last year their household income was actually a lot less and pretty much the same as ours I'd guess. We are used to living off less, of course.

Why wouldn’t you want your dad to do something to make her life easier when she has been very poorly and has an arsehole husband? Families are supposed to help each other out. I just don’t get why you would feel resentful if you genuinely ‘love her to bits’.

It all seems like a control issue to me. You even had to define what YABU and YANBU would mean for this post. Maybe you need to just chill out a bit!