to expect my dad to give me the same as sister

[HerNameWasEliza]

Sister and I are both married. One child each. Her household income is much larger than ours (say 8-10k take home a year more). Sister had serious illness which was, thankfully, not life threatening but meant she was unable to work for about 6 months. Her partner was able to carry on working with maybe only a slight drop in income. Partner is the major earner, bringing in about 2/3 of the family income. They have not joined their finances together.

Sister wants our dad to give her money and thinks I'll be OK not getting the same too as these are special circumstances. I said we have had periods with very little income, though this was dry up in our business related and not ill health and dad did not give us money then. She said that's different.

AIBU to think that if dad gives her money he 'should' give me the same too? (I'm not after his money btw, I would never ask him for cash and would never expect him to share what he has earnt). Or am I being a CF for thinking I deserve the same when my sister has been really ill and that affected their income? (they had no illness insurance BTW. Could have afforded it but it's expensive and they decided to enjoy the extra cash instead).

YABU - your dad should help sister our and give her money he doesn't give you. Her situation is unique.
YANBU - 'fairness' is still important and if he gives her cash he should give you the same.

Sounds like you're having the wrong conversation.
Try:
Hey if I ask Dad for 5k you wouldn't want the same off him too would you?
Why do you need 5k?
Oh I didn't earn theast few months so I'm behind with the bills
Well isn't Gary helping you out?
Oh you know me and Gazza have our own finances.
Well yes, but so do you and Dad and you're OK having cash off him. You need to ask Gary to help you out.
Oh but Dad can afford it and Gary doesn't like it when I'm needy
Well even so, it's really inappropriate to expect our father to bail you out financially when your husband of 15 years is sat there with a perfectly flush bank account.

Neither of you actually need it; he should keep his wallet shut for both of you this time. Your sister is being an entitled arse.

@SleepingStandingUp

Her OH's bank account is not flush because he spends a lot of money! Cars, meals out, expensive clothes etc. He has no cash cos he's spent it all! The rest of the conversation is exactly on the money (as it were!) though

How do you know so much about your sister's income? There's the issue right there. No boundaries.

My DH's sister lives rent free with her Dad and always has...they have the same Dad...DH has never expected to be given the same in return because he hasn't!

Why would he? He's moved out and she hasn't...she's almost 50 now and has never been someone who was capable of being alone.

She's not got any disabilities she's just happier at home. Imagine if DH asked for "the same"??

Weird.

It's up to your father how he distributes his wealth. You and your sister are both married with children. I guess that you consider yourself to be an adult, but your plea to be given money just because somebody else was seems childish in the extreme.

Firstly it's not up to your sister, what you should feel.

You have both chosen your partners, the way you split your economies, what you do and how you spend your money. Own it, don't go running to your parents for money unless it is absolutely essential.

Of course there are times when it may be necessary, but it doesn't seem to be the case here. Tell sister she should have the money talk with her partner, if anyone should be supporting her shouldn't it be him first and foremost?

[quote HerNameWasEliza]@SleepingStandingUp

Her OH's bank account is not flush because he spends a lot of money! Cars, meals out, expensive clothes etc. He has no cash cos he's spent it all! The rest of the conversation is exactly on the money (as it were!) though[/quote]
When he's earning more than enough money to support you at this time?

I 100% agree that going to her father instead of her spouse is ridiculous.

@HerNameWasEliza
If you were really struggling during the recession (like couldn't pay rent, bills etc) , and your Dad knew and could have helped but didn't, I can see why you'd feel a bit peeved now. But perhaps he didn't realise or didn't think you'd feel comfortable taking the money etc. Hypothetically he might not have supported your business/career choices. I know the recession was tough, I graduated during it and have ended up in a career that's pretty recession proof but also quite low paid and hard work because of it. I'm still inclined to say I think illness is different because you really don't have any choice/control and if very unwell often few options ... But then you could argue that smokers who get lung cancer had some control etc.

A comparison I could make, my friend was complaining that her sister has several kids and not much money so seems always get first dibs on GP for childcare. But she feels like she has to carefully organise her childcare and is limiting the number of kids she has so she can afford to not have to ask GP. She complains about it as not fair but has also never really discussed with the GP, whereas the other sister seems just to expect them to do it. I think it's unfair but also not sure the GP realise it's an issue.

@HeyHoLetsGoAgain

That's just mean. It's not just because someone else has as you put it. My sister's household income is much larger than ours and it only makes sense for my dad to bail her our if her OH does not. We have struggled. To date, they never have. It's not that simple and there's no call for just being nasty and insulting. Perhaps this is not the thread for you. I am going to ignore any future comments from you as I don't want to engage with people who are just looking to virtue signal. It's not that I just want people to agree with me. Others have helpfully presented other idea. It's just that I want to engage with people who can have different thoughts but do so respectfully.

@HerNameWasEliza I definitely see your frustration and would just be angry that her husband isn't stepping up leaving your dad to foot the bill. A very selfish man.

@HerNameWasEliza to add...be proud of yourself treat even in the most difficult of times you haven't had to run to your dad. I'm sure he'd be there for you if you really needed him to be.

Treat = that

@Keha

The illness was definitely not self-induced in any way whatsoever, for context. It was just hideously bad luck.

@SleepingStandingUp

I'm not sure what you mean? My sister's husband is not supporting me!

Bloody hell you two are a right cheeky pair. I think your sister should leave your Dad alone and focus on getting support from her husband. She chose to marry him and have a child, why should your father have to fund her poor partner choices. And you're also grown up enough to be married with a kid. Stop expecting hand outs and leave your poor father alone

Thanks all. It's very late here and I'm off to bed.

It's interesting to read the different points of view here. My in laws have several children and are quite well off but happily live quite an inexpensive lifestyle. So they have lent and gifted money to their children/grandchildren many times over the years. They don't see the point just sitting on money. We've always paid anything back because thats important to me and I don't want to feel beholden to them. But I know others in the family haven't and I don't think anyone is keeping tabs on who has what.

It doesn’t sound like your dad/parents have actually agreed to give her any money, yet you are still staking your claim on your parents Cash?! Is this to give them advance warning of your demands?

In your parent’s shoes I’d be furious if one of my children demanded i hand over my hard earned cash, when they aren’t really in need, because i helped out one of their siblings who’d been very ill.

it’s not your money and you have no say in how it is spent or who it is given to. Absolutely none of your business if your dads gives your sister money- it’s between them and up to your parents what they do with their money. Likewise if you had been helped by your parents.

Why would you want your parents to give you money when you don’t need it right now anyway? That’s breath-takingly entitled! Especially if having to give you both means your parents can’t help your sister when she needs it and they want to help.

Obviously, if you’ve really needed financial assistance in the past but your parents has refused, then i could understand why you might be upset if they are happy to give your sister support now. Although, it may be possible if that were the case, that your parents would have liked to help you but could not due to their circumstances at that time but are now in a position to help. It might sting a little, but would you really want your sister not to be helped because you couldn’t be?

Both of you sound immature and grabby.

What a grabby pair you are. I wonder what your dad would think were he to see this thread. She's cross that he's not offering money - and you're upset that she might get one over on you. I hope the poor man sees through the pair of you and spends what he's got on himself. KIng Lear's horrible daughters spring to mind!
Don't you feel embarrassed about yourself when you read all these comments?

@Tinamou Obviously it's up to your parents, but I do believe in treating siblings fairly from a financial perspective, so YANBU.

I agree with you, if this was a dead parent's will. However, why should she be asking your dad for money OP, the bank of mammy and daddy should close when the kiddies are all grown up and surprisingly enough, your attitude is I want the same too; rather than, she should not be asking your dad for money and instead should be dealing with her mean piece of crap partner who doesn't't think they should be splitting everything 50-50. What is the point of being together then? You all need to sort out some fucked up attitudes to life and what is fair.

My parents have helped out my siblings more than me. No idea how much more, but I'm aware that they've received more in the way of financial/practical/emotional help than I have. They've also helped out family friends more than they've helped me. The difference is that DH & I share our finances & he has a stable career which earns enough for us to have food on the table.

DPIL, OTOH, have helped us out - mostly DH before we were married but they've given us gifts when there were things we couldn't afford. Every time they give us anything they make a show of making everything even between all their DC; even to the point of giving money to the DC with no financial issues so she could buy a fancier version of something she was planning to get anyway. The money they gave to us was to benefit our DC & fill a need. I'm not bothered by what they choose to do with their money, but it does get a bit awkward when we're sitting round having a cuppa & they're explaining, in great detail, what they're giving to other siblings to make it "fair." Every time we reassure them that it's their money &, as much as we appreciate their help, they could buy one sibling a golden palace if they wanted & it would still be none of our business! I might be a little curious about where they got that kind of money from though...

With our DC, we intend to go for an "each according to their need" approach. If they need help, & we can give it to them, we'll offer. We won't be keeping score though.

You keep banging on saying "oh but they earn more than us". Who cares? You sound like a child who's having a tantrum.

You're both ridiculous expecting handouts when you're married with children and husbands. You should both be ashamed of yourselves. You especially for begrudging her when she's unwell and basically telling her if she asks for money you're asking too. And as for her husband, she's choosing to stay with him and not do anything about their finances.

Also your attack on @HeyHoLetsGoAgain was completely unnecessary. You've singled them out for no reason when majority of posters have said the same, if not worse.

Your bil sounds horrible. Perhaps be grateful for what you do have, not what you don’t. It sounds as though your dad is a very fair man. He shouldn’t have to help your sister out. But if he doesn’t it sounds as though she will find herself in a very difficult situation. The overall household income is immaterial if her husband is abusing her financially. That must be far more frightening and stressful for her than if you and your dh found yourselves in the same situation because you could depend on one another. She has to turn to people outside her marriage. This isn’t how a loving life partner acts.