to expect my dad to give me the same as sister

[HerNameWasEliza]

Sister and I are both married. One child each. Her household income is much larger than ours (say 8-10k take home a year more). Sister had serious illness which was, thankfully, not life threatening but meant she was unable to work for about 6 months. Her partner was able to carry on working with maybe only a slight drop in income. Partner is the major earner, bringing in about 2/3 of the family income. They have not joined their finances together.

Sister wants our dad to give her money and thinks I'll be OK not getting the same too as these are special circumstances. I said we have had periods with very little income, though this was dry up in our business related and not ill health and dad did not give us money then. She said that's different.

AIBU to think that if dad gives her money he 'should' give me the same too? (I'm not after his money btw, I would never ask him for cash and would never expect him to share what he has earnt). Or am I being a CF for thinking I deserve the same when my sister has been really ill and that affected their income? (they had no illness insurance BTW. Could have afforded it but it's expensive and they decided to enjoy the extra cash instead).

YABU - your dad should help sister our and give her money he doesn't give you. Her situation is unique.
YANBU - 'fairness' is still important and if he gives her cash he should give you the same.

Her partner was able to carry on working with maybe only a slight drop in income. Partner is the major earner, bringing in about 2/3 of the family income. They have not joined their finances together.

I genuinely wonder why some people get married.

Has she asked your dad for the money?
You said she's cross that he hasn't offered it to her, not that he hasn't given it to her when asked.

By the sounds of it it won't occur to him to offer it to her....because why would it? Surely he will just assume that the husband had to pay the bills and that was that.

Your sister has had a serious illness and a reduced income so is struggling. How bad is the struggling? If she can't afford to pay the bills then her husband and other family members should help her out. If she can't afford the usual spa treatments or favourite expensive hair products or other luxury, then no one should help her. They should have put some cash away for a rainy day really.

You are definitely sounding like a grabby cf. you sound jealous of your sister because their household has generally had a higher income and they have had things you couldn't afford and now that your sister might get cash from a parent, you feel like you could maybe have asked in the past but didn't so missed out on this money.

Just be grateful your sister is recovering.

Your not a child OP, not a case of making both children equal. Your sister clearly has struggled a lot in comparison to you, so no I think Yabu.

Another thing OP, based from what you have said, I think your sister needs help navigating out of her financially abusive marriage. Try support her too see what is clear as day to all of us here.

Good grief, Did you argue over how many roast potatoes you got as children as well?

We’ve helped our kids out on an as and when basis. We won’t be adjusting our will to allow for it, and if one of them ever suggested it they’d be sent away with a flea in their ear. My money to dispose of as I see fit, not for them to allocate based on what they consider ‘fair’.

you sound grabby and entitled. Your jealous shes getting money and you're not -end of and want people to alleviate you of this shrieking obvious fact..YADBU . Grow up.

Your sister has been ill and is a financially abusive relationship. I don’t think it’s the pounds and pence she’s upset about not being offered but the emotional support, I think you should all concentrate on that, and thank your lucky stars that you are well and you have a supportive husband.

YABU. Why should you get money just because she does?

Your bil is a complete arse. I can't believe that he won't support his wife when she is ill and I would be pretty angry about my dad effectively subsidising him.

I can see as a parent how worried your dad must be about her and how he wants to help.

Basically your sister needs to divorce her horror of a husband

Errr no. I never asked my parents for money, my sister on the other hand did, and often. That was their business.

@HerNameWasEliza but you are criticising her? Just because you say you’re not criticising her doesn’t mean you aren’t?

You also say you don’t want his money, but you do!!!!

You don't need it so are being a bit of a brat to be honest

@HerNameWasEliza

I don't expect anything and I would never ask my dad for money. We don't really have a situation - we have enough money. There have just been times when things have been really, really tight. It's not that I expect money it's just that my sister sort of assumed that I'd be OK with him giving her money and not giving me the same and I found myself thinking "I'm not OK with that" and then feeling bad. She is short of cash but because she and OH don't share their money (she had to 'save up' for mat leave) and because they have enjoyed their wealth over the years and made no provision for a rainy day (which I don't criticize, it's not for me to say how they manage their finances)

@HerNameWasEliza but you are criticising her? Just because you say you’re not criticising her doesn’t mean you aren’t?

You also say you don’t want his money, but you do!!!!

It is absolutely nothing to do with you.

I can’t imagine most people on here who are saying YABU wouldn’t care if their parents gave a sibling a fair amount of money and not the other. Easy to say that but in reality can’t imagine it happening.

I think keeping it fair is the most important, as you will add tension between siblings. When my second child was born we had started a savings account for our first and we topped the youngest savings account up To match their siblings .

I wish people would RTFT the sister is not getting money, she just thinks she should get money
She should sort her relationship out instead of expecting hand outs off her father
YANBU op

If in the future I had to help DD1 out financially, I wouldn't be automatically giving the same amount to DD2 at the time, but I would certainly note that DD1 had been given money and I would try and even things out financially in some way with DD2 in the longer run. Like if one went to university and the other didn't, I'd try and make sure the other one was helped out to the same amount.

It's none of your business. Your dad can do what he likes with his money.

In terms of "fairness" that is a view of an eight year old. You are an adult and have to accept your father's choices.

OP grow up - you arnt entitled to your dads money just beause he may give her some. maybe in the future you will need it and he will give it to you and not her.

Your grabby and act as if its some competition between you and your sister ... they need money they asked for it you didnt and shouldnt take money off your dad just because he gives it to your sister.

My dad does worry about the relationship my sister is in, as do I. He's not offering her money though. Actually my dad has always said fairness is really important to him and he did once give my sister some money (about £500) when her car broke down and he gave me the same then

What a strange mindset. So if your car broke down in future and he gave you money, he’d feel he had to hand your sister an unasked for bonus in that occasion as well ?

Children’s presents should be perceived by them as roughly equal ( no matter if they actually aren’t in monetary terms) because of the very black and white way they regard fairness.

As an adult, if a parent is moved to help one offspring out of a hole because they have the money and can do so, it should not be expected to be balanced out for siblings. The dynamic of that is bizarre.

Sorry but I think you are being unreasonable. It’s between your dad and your sister.

We have never been given equal money in my family - though have been fortunate that occasionally we have been helped out.

Example

• mum gave me £2k towards the wedding when I got married. She didn’t give bro anything “to make it fair” He wasn’t getting married and neither is he likely to.
• when I moved out for the first time she bought me a fridge but she didn’t give my bro a fridge or the financial Equivalent.

-we had a house extension the other year and she offered to pay for the new carpet as she knew the conversion was £50k Extra on the mortgage and money was tight!

She will have given my brother money over the years but I couldn’t care less.

If your dad gives you money now and you spend it on something nice, don’t expect him to help you out if your car suddenly breaks or you end up out of work or something.

What do you want the money for anyway? In case you get sick or for fun? Because your sis didn’t get it for fun.

You are a CF.

And you are jealous about money which isn’t great trait.

My parents gave my DB and SIL 10s of thousands for IVF. At the same time I was pregnant and had hyperemesis throughout and received only SSP which then meant my maternity pay was only SMP throughout. So I was thousands of pounds down. I was given nothing.

By the time I was pregnant my dad had recently passed away and I imagine things would have been different if he had still been alive.

This preferential treatment of DB/SIL was just one of many symptoms of a problem that has lasted my lifetime. I'm now no contact with my mother for these many other reasons. The way I look at the money is that my DB will likely 'pay' for every penny of it if our mother needs elderly care as he will be dealing with it all!! I also have a really cute nephew

OP you need to think about whether your dad is just trying to support your dsis or if this is symptomatic of a wider problem and go from there.

I know how you feel OP. My dh has been unwell for many years. First time he had cancer, we had 3 dc under 5, and I was a SAHM! We were financially in dire straights, but no way would I have dreamed of asking anyone for money. A few years later dh had another illness (lost his job through it), which meant he was in a hospital nearly 100 miles away for several months! I was commuting back and forward, trying to juggle my dc, my own job and supporting him. My mil came to me and said she wanted to give me something to help, and handed me £20 to use towards my phone bill (as I was calling them to keep them updated on how their son was)! That was the only help (I never expected anything) we ever got, despite being in debt and financially on our knees.

My sil and her dh on the other hand have always been well off, with a lovely house (no mortgage), 2 newish cars and cruise several times a year. Her dh was a third owner of a family business. When the business was sold he got several £100k! Good for them, none of my business.

My eldest dd helped ils out with shopping, housework etc. and never got a penny for this, but was happy to just help them. She came back from their house one day (really upset as she knew how hard up we were) and told me that her aunt and uncle had visited. When she was bringing them all tea she had overheard fil saying that he would transfer some money to help them. When he realised my dd had overheard this he said to her that it was because sil had lost his job so he wanted to help! Shortly afterwards sil and bil went on a luxury 28 day cruise to celebrate their retirement!

Fil is now alone (mil died). He has shown his favouritism of my sil’s children, who he showered with gifts, despite them only visiting when they wanted money or something else off him (even gave one of them his car), to the extent my dcs no longer visit him as it has been so hurtful to see that they are always second class gc to him.

It was up to them how they spent their money. However it really rankles that ils would see their son and family on their knees, without helping, whereas he would give money to his dd and sil, to spend on a holiday costing several thousands of pounds.