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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect my dad to give me the same as sister

141 replies

HerNameWasEliza · 25/07/2020 23:57

Sister and I are both married. One child each. Her household income is much larger than ours (say 8-10k take home a year more). Sister had serious illness which was, thankfully, not life threatening but meant she was unable to work for about 6 months. Her partner was able to carry on working with maybe only a slight drop in income. Partner is the major earner, bringing in about 2/3 of the family income. They have not joined their finances together.

Sister wants our dad to give her money and thinks I'll be OK not getting the same too as these are special circumstances. I said we have had periods with very little income, though this was dry up in our business related and not ill health and dad did not give us money then. She said that's different.

AIBU to think that if dad gives her money he 'should' give me the same too? (I'm not after his money btw, I would never ask him for cash and would never expect him to share what he has earnt). Or am I being a CF for thinking I deserve the same when my sister has been really ill and that affected their income? (they had no illness insurance BTW. Could have afforded it but it's expensive and they decided to enjoy the extra cash instead).

YABU - your dad should help sister our and give her money he doesn't give you. Her situation is unique.
YANBU - 'fairness' is still important and if he gives her cash he should give you the same.

OP posts:

Chloemol · 26/07/2020 00:39

You sisters husband should be providing for the family, not expecting his father in law to do it

He’s shameful

1Morewineplease · 26/07/2020 00:39

Matching presents for children , based on value is what parents do for dependent children. Eg £30 Trike for one child and £30 farm set for the other.
When the children move out and co-habit with a partner then it changes.
Yes you might get equally paid for gifts for Christmas and birthdays but outside of that , you have no say in your parents’ distribution of their money.
If your parents felt that your sister’s life has been severely impacted financially then it’s entirely up to them if they want to help her out.
Your parents probably feel that , financially, you’re on an even keel.
I appreciate that it might not seem fair to you but it’s your parents’ money.

Original poster

HerNameWasEliza · 26/07/2020 00:41

@Didiusfalco I take your point! I guess it would be nice if my dad helped but it's the 'you'll be happy not to have anything too' which I'm not so comfortable with if that makes sense. We have had bad times and I would never have expected dad to bail us out and not share the same with her. She's not unable to eat or anything BTW, if she were I would do whatever it takes to help her myself.

OP posts:

Original poster

HerNameWasEliza · 26/07/2020 00:42

It all seems like a control issue to me. You even had to define what YABU and YANBU would mean for this post. Maybe you need to just chill out a bit!

Oh I thought that was quite normal as I'd seen a few other people do it!

OP posts:

Original poster

HerNameWasEliza · 26/07/2020 00:44

@1Morewineplease I do agree with you though I also know that my dad does know that we are a lot less well off (we are both quite open about finances, as is he). If he chooses to give her cash and not to me I will say nothing and I will do nothing as it is his money to do with as he wishes, it's not that I'm planning to have a go or anything, it's just me questioning my gut reaction which was 'that doesn't feel OK'.

OP posts:

Purpleartichoke · 26/07/2020 00:44

My dad has given my sister money on multiple occasions. I’ve always made it clear that I don’t need his money and he does not need to make it even. I‘m not entirely selfless. I would like to think that his ability to help me on a rainy day would not require him having to consider an equal payment to my sister at the same time. Once I explained it like this, he understood and stopped offering me money.

Original poster

HerNameWasEliza · 26/07/2020 00:45

@Chloemol yeah, it is. I do slighly wonder whether my sister's anger at my dad for not offering to bail her out is a part of enabling her OH to continue to think mainly of himself only.

OP posts:

IdblowJonSnow · 26/07/2020 00:47

How much money are we talking here? Hundreds or thousands?
I'd stay out of it personally, she shouldn't have told you.
No I wouldn't also expect the money 'just because'.
She shouldn't have to go to your dad when her husband could help. That's really odd. Maybe shes saving up to leave him?!

Original poster

HerNameWasEliza · 26/07/2020 00:47

@Purpleartichoke Yes I can see where you're coming from. I think it is more for me about the fact that she is expecting my dad to help rather than expecting her husband (of 15 years) to help. Perhaps I need to get over that though as although we share money (me and OH), that's not how everyone does it in a marriage.

OP posts:

Original poster

HerNameWasEliza · 26/07/2020 00:47

Definitely not saving up to leave him (that's a fund I'd find a way to contribute too.....). She is hoping for a couple of thousand I think.

OP posts:

notdaddycool · 26/07/2020 00:49

When we needed it my parents effectively gave us an advance on our inheritance but didn’t give to siblings them. Now they look like they might need but I’m in a good place, they may get I won’t be asking. You don’t need it now, but knowing it’s there in the future is great. Don’t be greedy.

Fatted · 26/07/2020 00:52

I suppose it's a bit different because she is having to go to your dad rather than to her own DH. But I guess that's another thread on its own entirely.

But I am one of four kids. We are fortunate enough that my parents are able to help us financially with things. There are times I have had to go cap in hand to them, there are times I know they have helped my siblings out too. I don't expect them to spend the same on me as my other siblings. I know that my parents would always help us if we were struggling.

Jeremyironsnothing · 26/07/2020 00:56

She should be asking hep dp for money, not her dad. How embarrassing. I think you should feel sorry for her.

1Morewineplease · 26/07/2020 00:57

[quote HerNameWasEliza]@1Morewineplease I do agree with you though I also know that my dad does know that we are a lot less well off (we are both quite open about finances, as is he). If he chooses to give her cash and not to me I will say nothing and I will do nothing as it is his money to do with as he wishes, it's not that I'm planning to have a go or anything, it's just me questioning my gut reaction which was 'that doesn't feel OK'.[/quote]
It’s really difficult.
My adult children are at very different earning levels. If I give some money to the poorer one to pay some bills, should I give the same amount of money to the other one just because?
Maybe your dad thinks that you and your sister are in different financial places . It’s hard to say.
It would be great to hear from your dad’s point of view.
I fully appreciate that you’re feeling sad about this, and I don’t know how you can move on from this unless you challenge your dad.
But you sound like such a lovely person who wouldn’t dream of it.

Mintjulia · 26/07/2020 00:57

The basic fact is that what your dad does with his money is nothing to do with you. Who he leaves it to and in what proportions is nothing to do with you. If he chooses to give some to your sister (or not) is nothing to do with you.

Unless your dad lacks mental capacity, I can’t see why you need to be involved at all.

verypeckish · 26/07/2020 01:01

@Aquamarine1029

You're quite the grabby fucker, aren't you? Who your dad gives money to, and as to why, is none of your business. As an adult you shouldn't expect a thing from him.

Bit over the top.

As far as I can see, the dad hasn't offered any money, or indeed even been asked for it yet.

This is about how the OP feels about her sister's grabbiness, and whether or not it is fair for her to ask for some - and if that happens, whether both siblings should be treated the same. The OP isn't being grabby, and in fact says she would never ask her dad for money in this way.

Original poster

HerNameWasEliza · 26/07/2020 01:05

@verypeckish

Thank you. Yes that is exactly it. When we hit a financial wall a few years ago we got a lodger in and took out loans which took a good few years to pay back. I really would never ask anyone else for money and I won't ask now. I am just challenging whether my gut reaction is something I need to challenge in myself or not.

OP posts:

HoppingPavlova · 26/07/2020 01:05

Both of you are odd. You are grown adults with families yet the solution to things seems to be running to your father with your hands out. It sounds like you have both never really grown up.

Original poster

HerNameWasEliza · 26/07/2020 01:09

@1Morewineplease
My dad does worry about the relationship my sister is in, as do I. He's not offering her money though. Actually my dad has always said fairness is really important to him and he did once give my sister some money (about £500) when her car broke down and he gave me the same then (unasked for and very gratefully received). My sister knows his love of fairness but thinks this is 'different' because of the cause of her need.

I do feel like maybe I'm just being selfish though. We could use the money and things would ease for us if we got an influx of cash but that's not the same as 'needing' it.

OP posts:

Keha · 26/07/2020 01:09

If my parent did this, I would hope that if I were ever in the same situation they would do the same for me. But I wouldn't expect that money now and I'd hope it wouldn't happen. I do think there is a difference between illness and problems with a business, because illness is something you have no choice and control over/isn't a decision you've made. For example I've chosen a releatively poorly paid career, but wouldn't expect my parents to be to give me more money than my sister because of that. I know my in laws are helping out my SIL during the pandemic as she has lost her income, we haven't so I wouldnt expect them to give us money. If something unpredictable happens to us in future and they could help us out, I would hope they might. They might not be able to then if retired etc.

Original poster

HerNameWasEliza · 26/07/2020 01:12

@keha

Thanks for sharing. That's very helpful. I think the recession affecting the business was also not something we had control over though?

OP posts:

warriorsmain · 26/07/2020 01:12

Sorry nrtft. Firstly, I don't really understand why it's down to your dad to fund her when she is married...her husband should most definitely be supporting her during such a bad time. Secondly, I also don't think that there should be equal shares of finances between siblings in such circumstances. If my sister needed financial help from my parents, I would never expect that I should also receive anything unless one day I fell into unfortunate circumstances.

Original poster

HerNameWasEliza · 26/07/2020 01:14

@warriorsmain

No me neither, but this is just what she said.

OP posts:

Original poster

HerNameWasEliza · 26/07/2020 01:16

@warriorsmain

Sorry, just to add, I do think your point is the nub of it for me. Her and her OH still have more income than me and my OH if you treat them as a 'couple' financially. But if you treat her as single financially speaking then things are not so great for her and hence the she hopes for a handout from my dad. Maybe the source of the tension in my head is that she is feeling, to all intents and purpose, like a single person financially, whereas I am seeing them as a couple financially who therefore don't 'need' help any more than we do.

OP posts:

SeaToSki · 26/07/2020 01:18

She should be asking her OH to step up and pay for his child’s and partners living expenses rather than expecting her father to bail her relationship out. By asking her father she is not having to face up to the fact that her OH and her have a very dysfunctional relationship and she should be focussing on that first

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