to expect my dad to give me the same as sister

[HerNameWasEliza]

Sister and I are both married. One child each. Her household income is much larger than ours (say 8-10k take home a year more). Sister had serious illness which was, thankfully, not life threatening but meant she was unable to work for about 6 months. Her partner was able to carry on working with maybe only a slight drop in income. Partner is the major earner, bringing in about 2/3 of the family income. They have not joined their finances together.

Sister wants our dad to give her money and thinks I'll be OK not getting the same too as these are special circumstances. I said we have had periods with very little income, though this was dry up in our business related and not ill health and dad did not give us money then. She said that's different.

AIBU to think that if dad gives her money he 'should' give me the same too? (I'm not after his money btw, I would never ask him for cash and would never expect him to share what he has earnt). Or am I being a CF for thinking I deserve the same when my sister has been really ill and that affected their income? (they had no illness insurance BTW. Could have afforded it but it's expensive and they decided to enjoy the extra cash instead).

YABU - your dad should help sister our and give her money he doesn't give you. Her situation is unique.
YANBU - 'fairness' is still important and if he gives her cash he should give you the same.

If my sister was down on her luck I would give her some money myself
And if my parents gave her anything that would entirely a matter for them and I would not expect or accept anything from them

You sounds so pathetic OP. Grow up he can do what he likes I would not give you anything for your entitled attitude.

we are both quite open about finances, as is he
And that is the core of the problem. There is no need for these to be discussed so openly.

Your sister should be able to ask your father for financial help and your father to agree to it, or not, without having to discuss it with you. Same with you.

Your sister sounds like she is in a finicial abusive relationship. So many people over look this because it’s their parter or husband but if you live with someone and you are married. They should be the one to support you in times of need not your dad OP. Why didn’t your sister get Mat leave? Why was she saving up.
I don’t think your dad should give you or your sister money at the moment. However if he did speaking as a parent.... I don’t think I would leave one of my children out unless I absolutely couldn’t afford it.

Your sisters husband sounds like an absolute arsehole.

Holy shit, your sister's husband Cates so little for her she has to save up for maternity leave and when she is really ill he won't support her and you are jealous your Dad steps in in to help her. Unbelievable, your poor sister must feel so unloved by her husband and ashamed she has to ask her Dad for help. You should be supporting your dsis OP. You are in a much better place than she is or would you prefer a tosser of a husband who treats you like your sister's husband treats her? Wake up to yourself.

I said YABU from the OP, however, reading further posts I think you should be more concerned with your Dsis’s relationship. Is he financially abusive or just bad with money?
Either way I can understand your Dad wanting to help her out. I don’t think you need to treat children the same.

Different but similar. I have 2 adult sons still living at home saving for deposits but 1 who earns less says he's happy not to find s place of his own ATM. I charge one son who earns almost double other sons wage more 'keep money' even though son who earns more works longer hours. Also I have helped out son who earns less by paying for him to do lorry driving course and test so he could get job. I have told other son I will give him £5k towards deposit if he saves up £10k. Dd had a lot of help with uni and masters fees but not much financial help since marriage. All kids know I am safety net if they lose job I will help them get back on their feet. None of my kids ever ask for anything though. I would not be happy if I was helping one child and the other two demanded equal financial support. Money do up to me how I share it. I try to be fair though.

In most families this sort of situation is dealt with by the inheritance to one of the children being reduced by the amount of extra support they got. You should suggest your dad does that

Christ almighty, I will never understand the entitlement some on MN have to other people’s money. Imagine the arrogance necessary to go to one’s father demanding he account in his will for the money he may have chosen to give to one of his adult offspring in his lifetime, to even it out and ‘make it fair’. I hear children whining about things not being fair, i expect adults to understand that life isn’t fair and there is no right to be treated fairly in such situations. On a similar thread recently someone suggested that it should be made illegal to bequeath different amounts to adult children. They actually wanted legislation to dictate how someone can dispose of their assets.

The fact that the OP responded to the above post with ‘good idea’ tells a lot about what this is actually about. It’s about greed and grabbiness. I’ve seen no mention of concern for her sister’s health or welfare, it’s all judgement on the income, spending habits and choices the sister has made, with a side order of martyrdom thrown in.

I hope your Dad sees through you.

@caringcarer

Different but similar. I have 2 adult sons still living at home saving for deposits but 1 who earns less says he's happy not to find s place of his own ATM. I charge one son who earns almost double other sons wage more 'keep money' even though son who earns more works longer hours. Also I have helped out son who earns less by paying for him to do lorry driving course and test so he could get job. I have told other son I will give him £5k towards deposit if he saves up £10k. Dd had a lot of help with uni and masters fees but not much financial help since marriage. All kids know I am safety net if they lose job I will help them get back on their feet. None of my kids ever ask for anything though. I would not be happy if I was helping one child and the other two demanded equal financial support. Money do up to me how I share it. I try to be fair though.

It is up to you how you share money. From the kids point of view (even if they are adults) it causes problems. Like you explained in your situation it sounds fair. But I couldn’t not be fair to my child. How would you feel.

Hmmmm, tricky one.

My parents paid the odd bill for me when I was 1st starting out & trying to juggle my finances - I never asked or expected it & was exceeding grateful. Step-brother unaware as far as I know.

Over the years, they've bailed him out countless times, amounting to far more money, sometimes as a result of genuine misfortune but a lot of the time due to his blatant stupidity!

Not gonna lie - there's been the odd occasion when I've felt 'hard done by' & been annoyed by the imbalance but then I know that it's their money & they can do what they like with it & if I ever needed them to, they'd help me out again.

I'd say just let it go. Your sister sounds like a bit of a CF but it's your parents choice at the end of the day.

I don't think either of you should expect anything from your parents, you're obviously not 10 anymore.

Sorry - hadn't read the bit about BIL being a twat - your sis isn't a CF after all! Fair play to your dad for helping then. What's your problem?

I’m the mother of adult children and I have helped them both out at different times when I thought it was necessary.
I would be a bit disappointed if one felt they deserved extra money just because the other one had received it.
After all it’s my money and I’ve worked hard for 42 years to be in a comfortable position, so I feel it’s up to me to make the decision.

Your Sister has been very ill .Apart from the obvious fact that she has been unwell ,she had the extra stress of finances as well .Unless you are really "on the floor" ,and struggling to the point of not being able to pay the bills . Then I am sorry to say I think you are being a bit of a CF TBH! Really if you are worried about your future treat yourselves to some illness insurance ,and stop worrying about being short changed .I believe in being benevolent ,and if you give money freely (not too much obv!) then it will come back to you in some way .I am sure you would rather have your good health anyway ,that is a gift no amount of money can possibly buy!

Sammylady37 Agree totally .Life Isnt Fair was my DM no 1 saying when I was whinging about something! I also tell my DC that too.

Op, I think you might be if the mind that fair = equal. But it does not. Fair means that everyone gets what they need or deserve while equal means that everyone gets the same regardless of need

You are completely unreasonable. To be honest your sister sounds like a cf as well. It's completely up to your dad.

My dad gave my cf sister thousands to buy a new car. She could have just got a job and bought her own. I have a lot more money than her. I didn't expect my dad to give me money though. No one told me of course, I found the transaction on his bank statement when helping him with something else. He shouldn't have given it to her either (he receives disability benefits) but I would never say that to him.

You're quite the grabby fucker, aren't you?

Along with the sister.
Should both grow up and stop expecting hand outs from bank of Dad.

@Galaxycat No I' really not criticising her. It's just that when you make a particular choice, the outcomes of that can be seen as your responsibility.

Interesting what everyone is saying about how hard up is she and how split their finances are. She is not 'on the floor' and is less near to it that when we struggled. When push comes to shove, her OH will help out but he does not like to and as I said does not have loads of actual cash as he spends it all (another consequence of their past choices). I don't think this is a critical stance as critical would be saying they've done something wrong and I don't think they have 'done anything wrong' just that they took a particular path and this is where it led them to.

I don't wish I'd asked for money in the past BTW. I really would never ask for money from my dad or anyone and it's not because I don't think he'd say yes, it's because I am an adult and need to make my own bed and then lie in it. If I spend my cash on a fancy holiday rather than saving anything for a rainy day and then it rains, well it's me that's going to affect. I would not expect someone else to bail me out.

Interesting re: whether things have tipped enough for her to be in a financially abusive relationship. She does not complain about the situation so perhaps that makes it harder for the family to see that's what might be going on. They do pay proportionate amounts into the household coffers. BTW, but I think her OH won't help out with car payments and things like that when the chips are down (things she considers to just be her bills).

Well it seems like quite a clear verdict so thank you all for sharing your thoughts and I will take all the feedback on board

YABU. I don't really understand. You say you don't expect it but that you are bothered ?! You're quite contradictory in your messages. Aside from that, my parents are always adamant to give me and my brothers the same amount of large money (e.g. same amount of money towards house deposit / same amount at Xmas etc...) but sometimes they chuck me some petrol money when I've travelled home, sometimes they wire by brothers money for XYZ. I've always said that I don't expect to be treated equally in regards to money and that I would prefer none of us to be in difficulty rather than worrying about being treated equally. Same goes for my brothers, if they needed some money, I would give them some if I could afford to.
Your sister has been unwell, they need money, and you are cross about it?! If you had needed money in the past then you should have asked for it.

Surely it would be a loan? So wouldn't matter. I can't imagine 'taking' money from a parent as an adult. But have been fortunate enough that my MIL helped us out when we hit a rough patch a few years back. We insisted on setting up a direct debit and repaid every penny! We are adults and can't expect to be bailed out by someone else's hard work, parent or not.

I think you’re getting a hard tim op. It isn’t about the money, it’s about being an adult. You’d ds has made choices about finances,they haven’t worked out due to illness. She’s looking to her father not her husband to bail her out. No one can tell me this is right... I’m sure for better or worse, in sickness or in health are in vows. If they divorced your ds would get half of everything. But theses were decisions she has made. Bailing her out allows the situation to continue and in this situation I wouldn’t help my kids. I might offer for them to move home with me and leave the financially abusing dickhead she’s married to, but that’s a different thread! It’s one thing to run separate finances but to leave your partner high n dry through maternity leave/severe illness is just wrong. As is expecting your fil to bail you out so your own expensive lifestyle is not curtailed

I'd be bothered too.
PIL gave SIL £10 k to get on the housing ladder and paid for all her wedding. DH got nothing.
She was less well off because of personal lifestyle choices she had made, choosing to travel round New Zealand whilst DH studied further after his degree and earns well. The long term underlying hurt is dreadful.