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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is she?

146 replies

MrsWarleggan · 25/07/2020 12:14

Sisters 40th in September and she wants to do something as a family. In Feb we rented a beautiful house for my dad's birthday it was lovely but as I was on SMP DH and I couldn't afford it, so our friends very kindly paid for us. She wants to do something similar. She started up a group and sent a link to a house. Messages went along the lines of... "Ooh lovely, just wait to hear from Mrs Warleggan and I will book it" no mention of cost so I clicked on it and each couple would have to pay £500. Plus £80 petrol to get there and back and a share of the shopping for the weekend. We haven't got near on £700!! I said that whilst it was beautiful we haven't got that sort of money. So we in effect have buggered up the weekend.

Together DH and I earn £32k privately renting, have 2 kids trying to buy 1st house.

Sister and BIL earn about £80k small mortgage, no kids.

Friends in Wales joining us £100k+, no kids.

Mum and dad can't afford but will go into debt for it, brother earns £30k lives at home pays no rent. They can afford it.

My sister text me last night asking me what our budget would be. I replied saying there was no budget and that whilst we would love to go, we physically cant afford it. She read the message but hasn't replied. The whole thing has really upset me. I spoke to my mum and she said she understands, but that she doesn't want to be put in the middle.

Ive been made to feel like the poor relation, and that I've ruined her birthday. I had planned to take her to her favourite restaurant which would set me back about £140, but had always planned that so have been putting money since the beginning of the year. I spent most of last night crying. It's made me feel like utter shit. She does so much for my girls and I would do anything for her, just not this.

AIBU, or is my sister and the rest of the party?

OP posts:
shemadeit · 25/07/2020 12:17

Put your foot down. Do not get into debt for a weekend in a cottage or whatever it is.

If she’s annoyed let her be annoyed because no person who really cares for you would ask you to spend money you don’t have to make them happy.

EatsShootsAndRuns · 25/07/2020 12:17

Phone her. You need to talk it out not text at each other. She asked your budget, you can't afford £700, so she was asking what could you afford?

Pelleas · 25/07/2020 12:21

YANBU but I think it would help to come up with an alternative proposal. Could you look at cheaper accommodation, a shorter break, just making a day trip to the cottage while your family stay there?

UnfinishedSymphon · 25/07/2020 12:22

£500 from each couple????? How long for?

LovingLola · 25/07/2020 12:22

She’s your sister.
Ring her.

Jeezoh · 25/07/2020 12:23

Your sister is being a cow. Tell her you’ve been saving up to take her out for lunch so that’s your budget. She’s in the wrong here, not you

Redraptor · 25/07/2020 12:27

Please ring her. You cant gauge tone and feeling properly over text.

Norma27 · 25/07/2020 12:27

I always think it is bizarre when people expect others to spend a fortune celebrating their birthday. I wouldn't be able to afford this and would say no. If they are offended, that is their problem.

Original poster
MrsWarleggan · 25/07/2020 12:27

@UnfinishedSymphon

Its for 3 nights. It is stunning.

OP posts:
Happynow001 · 25/07/2020 12:28

£700 would be a good chunk of your rent, wouldn't it? You need to stand firm and, whilst sad, there's no need to feel guilty about this. Your sister had a lovely idea but, unfortunately, hadn't taken your different financial circumstances into account.

I agree with the PP who said phone her and speak to her direct. Tell her you were proposing to treat her to a lovely meal just the two of you.

Hopefully she'll see your viewpoint but, if not, that would be down to her..

Sad that your parents will go into debt for this, but that doesn't mean you should. 🌹

Lalaok · 25/07/2020 12:29

Astounded that she thinks it’s reasonable to ask everyone to pay £700 to attend her birthday.

devildeepbluesea · 25/07/2020 12:31

Expecting, essentially, a gift worth £500 from every individual party attending seems the height of entitlement to me. And I expect she'd want physical gifts too.

It's all very well your mother saying she doesn't want to get involved, but I think even in adulthood it's the parent's job to point these things out.

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 25/07/2020 12:34

I agree you should call her. Talk it through and tell her your plan for the meal out. We earn around £60,000 a year in our house hold with 4 children and tbh we wouldn't be able to afford that sort of money for 3 days!

OwlinaTree · 25/07/2020 12:35

You could ring her and say your budget is £140 which you have saved to take her out for lunch.

Could you drive over for a day of the holiday?

IAintentDead · 25/07/2020 12:42

My family do things like this and as often as not don't even ask me. At least 2 of them are millionaires, so can afford to do what they want when they want.

dontdisturbmenow · 25/07/2020 12:46

*My sister text me last night asking me what our budget would be. I replied saying there was no budget"
You couldn't afford £100 or even £50? Saying you have no budget at all is quite hurtful. Its not like you're not earning anything.

Maybe if you said you found afford £100 max, she'd have said that she'd pay the difference?

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 25/07/2020 12:49

I agree that you need to ring her.

I would tell her either what you had planned or your budget. I would also consider telling her what the £700 would equate to in your budget, such as the whole cost of Christmas or how ever many weeks rent and ask her how she would expect you to make up the shortfall? I would also emphasise that it’s not about love or not wanting to celebrate but you can’t afford it.

thegcatsmother · 25/07/2020 12:50

I'm in a similar dilemma. My Mum has a trip on her bucket list that she expects my brother and I to fund for her 80th in August. We would have to pay for ourselves and then half each of her costs. Whilst I could do it, dh has recently retired, and I am job hunting, having moved back from abroad last year.

It won't happen this year now, but I don't want to shell out the best part of £750 just so Mum can be driven across a bridge in Scotland. That's flights, hire car, hotels, meals, travel to an airport (so petrol or train fares etc).

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/07/2020 12:51

Your budget is £140 isn’t it? That would potentially just about afford a weekend in a premier inn, Just not the lavish do she had in mind.

user1493413286 · 25/07/2020 12:52

She or anyone else doesn’t seem to have got annoyed though so has there been a falling out or anything?
She is being unreasonable expecting you to pay that much on your budget but in my experience people who earn a lot more don’t always understand other people’s budgets. In all honesty though I would be unlikely to pay £500 for 3 nights even if I could afford it. I’ve Stayed in stunning air bnbs for £150-200 for a weekend which has felt affordable but if you don’t have it then you don’t have it. I also think that if she wanted to go away then she should have talked to you about it at the beginning of the year so that if you’d been able to you could have saved up.

Iamthewombat · 25/07/2020 12:58

Are you saying that because your friends paid for you on the previous trip, for your dad’s birthday, you had no idea what renting this sort of house cost?

I suppose I don’t understand why you didn’t tell your sister at the outset that you couldn’t afford a trip away for her 40th. If you’re now saying that you have no budget, she’ll be wondering why you didn’t just say, as soon as the idea was mooted, “count us out, we can’t afford it, sorry but we’ll take you out to dinner instead”

Wecandothis99 · 25/07/2020 13:00

She sounds like a spoilt brat

RealLifeHotWaterBottle · 25/07/2020 13:00

It sounds a little as though you might be catastrophising here. Its ok to say you can't afford it, and it doesn't bugger up the weekend - just means if they go ahead you would sit it out.

You do have a budget - the £140 - so I'm nit sure why you told your sister you didnt (suspect you were upset, seeing the worst case scenario and worrying when you replied). Can you call her, explain what you had been planning and that even though you can't go on a weekend away you'd still love to take her for dinner?

Thislittlelady · 25/07/2020 13:00

You don’t have to justify your financial circs to your sister. That’s outrageous. It’s none of her business. Just say it looks lovely have a nice time but I can’t afford to join you. Btw, I’ve been putting money away for your gift and was wanting to know what date I should book your favourite restaurant as our birthday gift to you......

WooleyJ123 · 25/07/2020 13:01

Yabu

You do have a budget, £140 why not tell her this instead of no budget

I would be miffed that my family wouldn't be willing to spend anything celebrating my birthday, thankfully we do big trips for birthdays and it's normal and we can all afford it but you're being intentionally difficult

It's on you to come up with an alternative if you're the only one who can't stump up the money. Why not suggest you meet them for one of the days for a meal out; or see what can be done with the £140 you set aside.