AIBU or is she?

[MrsWarleggan]

Sisters 40th in September and she wants to do something as a family. In Feb we rented a beautiful house for my dad's birthday it was lovely but as I was on SMP DH and I couldn't afford it, so our friends very kindly paid for us. She wants to do something similar. She started up a group and sent a link to a house. Messages went along the lines of... "Ooh lovely, just wait to hear from Mrs Warleggan and I will book it" no mention of cost so I clicked on it and each couple would have to pay £500. Plus £80 petrol to get there and back and a share of the shopping for the weekend. We haven't got near on £700!! I said that whilst it was beautiful we haven't got that sort of money. So we in effect have buggered up the weekend.

Together DH and I earn £32k privately renting, have 2 kids trying to buy 1st house.

Sister and BIL earn about £80k small mortgage, no kids.

Friends in Wales joining us £100k+, no kids.

Mum and dad can't afford but will go into debt for it, brother earns £30k lives at home pays no rent. They can afford it.

My sister text me last night asking me what our budget would be. I replied saying there was no budget and that whilst we would love to go, we physically cant afford it. She read the message but hasn't replied. The whole thing has really upset me. I spoke to my mum and she said she understands, but that she doesn't want to be put in the middle.

Ive been made to feel like the poor relation, and that I've ruined her birthday. I had planned to take her to her favourite restaurant which would set me back about £140, but had always planned that so have been putting money since the beginning of the year. I spent most of last night crying. It's made me feel like utter shit. She does so much for my girls and I would do anything for her, just not this.

AIBU, or is my sister and the rest of the party?

Mrs Warleggon wants £2000 for you to rent her holiday home for what? a week? ! £500 each for 4 couples.

You could tell her your budget is £140 (that's what you were planning to spend). It's not impossible to find somewhere to stay for a weekend together on that sort of budget for each couple is it?

She sounds like an entitled brat. You have not ruined anything. They want to go so badly, they can pay the extra. They can just assume people with pay for her birthday.

Just seen its for a weekend. I'm amazed at these figures.. £500 each x 4, and £110 per couple for a food shop for two days? What are you eating? It seems a lot.

If she really wants you there, she'll fund it. Expecting you (or your parents) to go into debt for her birthday is outrageous.

We had a weekend away for our 25th wedding anniversary for close friends and family. To save this sort of nonsense, we paid for everyone, (instead of going on holiday that year).

She's a CF and a mean one, too. She ought to be offering to pay your parents' share.

I think your text was probably taken the wrong way... You saying there was no budget looked like you hadn't prepared to spend anything on her birthday (which is fine if you don't normally spend much/anything). Maybe you could explain that you had 140 as a budget for a meal out with her and maybe call to do it. I don't think anyone is reacting like you are spoiling everything. Do they know you friends paid for the trip for your dad's birthday?

You don’t have to justify your financial circs to your sister. That’s outrageous.

I don’t think that the OP’s sister is asking the OP to justify her financial choices. She’s asked the OP what her budget is for a birthday trip. She might have been planning to make up the difference.

What crime has the sister committed? I think she’s getting a raw deal. The family took a trip away to a rented house for the OP’s dad’s birthday in February. A friend generously paid for the OP. The OP’s sister might not know who paid; she’ll have thought, well that was a lovely trip for dad’s birthday, let’s do something similar as a family for my 40th.

So she sets up a WhatsApp group, adding the OP, to plan a weekend away. It’s at this point that the OP should have spoken up and said, sorry, funds won’t run to a weekend away for us, we’ll do something else with you. She didn’t.

The sister finds a house to accommodate everyone she thinks will be coming. It’s only when she sends the link that the OP says no, too expensive. The sister asks what the OP can afford, presumably to find something more affordable, and the OP replies “nothing”. The sister hasn’t replied yet.

How is that “making the OP feel like a poor relation” and how does that justify a night of crying?

I wouldn’t pay £700 for a weekend away, I could rent a cottage for a week in Scotland for that price.

Is it a castle she is wanting to rent for the weekend.?

Don’t discuss things through text as typed words can be taken differently than spoken word, phone her and discuss it like adults.

Is it a castle

Op are you wanting the others to pay for you (like your friends did last time?) Why else say your budget is nothing? And cry all night. It's not the end of the world if you can't go. Your sister will get over it.

I'm in a similar position to you we would have to say no too. You're being very sensible to not put yourselves into debt for it, I commend you. When I gave up work to become a sahm, I was asked for an individual contribution towards fil birthday present so £120 from me AND again from my husband. We were surviving on £22 000 a year! Husband felt embarrassed enough to try and borrow the money. I decided to message the organiser to explain we couldn't afford it. Never got a reply! Do things to suit yourself and never put yourself into debt for another.

Ive been made to feel like the poor relation, and that I've ruined her birthday

Has she actually said this? As far as i can make out from your post, she has asked, you've said you can't afford it, so she has contacted you privately to ask what you can afford, which isn't unreasonable?

You don't need to get into debt over this but I agree you need to pick up the phone and communicate.

I voted YABU, primarily for lack of communication with your sister. You've said that she does so much for your children, so she's clearly kind and generous, and wouldn't want to make you feel like the poor relation. You need to talk to her directly about what you can afford.

Your sister has behaved appallingly and highly insensitively. Most people would struggle to afford such an expensive trip and your income puts you well below average for UK household incomes. As it's in September why don't you suggest 2 nights in a tent somewhere and see if you can borrow camping equipment from friends. Then you can say to your sister that your budget is £60 and with the other costs you would still have to save to even afford that.

I am not expecting friends to pay. I didn't expect them to pay for it last time either. I cried because I feel as if I have ruined her birthday. She knows I had something planned for her.

If you want to do something special for your 40th you pay for it.

If you want certain people to celebrate with you and can't afford to pay for everyone you chose either to do something with them they can afford or something you can afford to pay for so they don't have to.

She is BU

OP you have not ruined her birthday. If she is so materialistic that she can't have fun and celebrate without costing people cast sums of money then it really is her that is the problem not you.

Well I think if your sister wants this for her birthday, it's up to her to treat you. We've done this a couple of times in our family, and whoever wants the house pays for it. The rest are invited as guests.

it's insensitive of her, knowing your financial situation. Why has she put you in this position?

She could take you all out for a meal instead.

Dim Sis is being unbelievably crass, embarrassing you like that.

Next move;

Decline the unnaffordable holiday house,
make a home-made birthday card
Her present can be a photo album of snaps showing the first 40 years in the life of the Princess of Tactless.

What crime has the sister committed? I think she’s getting a raw deal. The family took a trip away to a rented house for the OP’s dad’s birthday in February.

When you are loaded, as the sister is, you don't move forward at all with any plans for expensive items without first checking out with people whether this is something they want to and would be able to do. You don't do this publicly and you don't ever suggest such ridiculously expensive trips to people who are clearly struggling. It's not a crime but it is highly, highly, highly insensitive and suggests that she does not in any away process her financial privilege.

Whilst YANBU to say you can’t afford this trip, and certainly not unreasonable to refuse to go into debt for it, I don’t think she’s done much wrong either. When this plan to go away was mooted, why didn’t you say that you couldn’t go? Given you had gone on a previous trip in similar circumstances, she probably didn’t think it would be an issue. If you had said you couldn’t go from the outset it would have saved any confusion.

As it is, you said you couldn’t afford the place she’d suggested. She asked you what you could afford- Reasonable response. You’ve told her You can’t afford a trip right now- also reasonable. She hasn’t been rude or fallen out with you, you haven’t been rude or fallen out with her. I don’t think there’s much more to be done, except call her and let her know you plan to take her out for dinner instead.

Has she actually said that you ruined the weekend? Otherwise I think you are being a little unreasonable. Maybe they could work something out if you spoke and told her you had the restaurant £140 budget and you couldn't cover the petrol etc. Maybe you could celebrate with her separately at a restaurant or she could help with costs.

If she is pressuring you, saying you ruined the trip then YANBU, but it's hard to tell what she has actually said.

You haven’t ruined her birthday but you should have given a straighter answer, IMO.

“We really can’t afford more than £150” for example.

Does she know that your friends paid for you to go with your dad? Maybe she thinks you could borrow again for hers, in which case you need to set her straight!

Either way, she’s your sister. I’m not usually one of those posters who bang on about ringing over texting. But in this case, her being family I would.

Plus if you can manage to speak to your mum about it you should be able to manage to speak to your sister!

Agree with others that you need to give you sister a call. Are you usually close? I would assume "what's your budget?' mean "OK, we'll sort something out you can afford and/or we'll make up the difference for you". Saying no budget suggest you agreed to the weekend but weren't expecting to pay to me: I suspect that's not how you meant it to come across, but that does give her nothing to work with. If you've saved £140, say that (could you make it up to £200 do you think?) I guess the problem is that the issue of 'how much can everyone afford' didn't get raised when the original plan was mooted - and tbh, a budget of £140 was never going to stretch to a weekend house was it, so maybe that was the point to say 'sounds fab but we can't afford it at the mo'? I assume from the petrol cost you are citing that a day trip isn't viable - could you find a local campsite, so you still spend the days with them but sleep separately?

YANBU.

And anyone who thinks otherwise is just nuts imo.

This has been an awful year for a lot of people on top of already struggling to get by before covid kicked in. On top of that, you've been on maternity pay for a chunk of it. Your sister wants a luxury weekend and is putting the pressure on?

fuck her.

And your parents are insane as well to be going into debt to accommodate this.

I'm surprised she hasn't offered to pay as she is expecting everyone to come along. I'm assuming she knows your income, as you know hers. We've all been at stages in our lives where forking our an extra £700 isn't an option. Even if you had the spare cash, it doesn't mean you want to spend it on her birthday weekend away.