AIBU or is she?

[MrsWarleggan]

Sisters 40th in September and she wants to do something as a family. In Feb we rented a beautiful house for my dad's birthday it was lovely but as I was on SMP DH and I couldn't afford it, so our friends very kindly paid for us. She wants to do something similar. She started up a group and sent a link to a house. Messages went along the lines of... "Ooh lovely, just wait to hear from Mrs Warleggan and I will book it" no mention of cost so I clicked on it and each couple would have to pay £500. Plus £80 petrol to get there and back and a share of the shopping for the weekend. We haven't got near on £700!! I said that whilst it was beautiful we haven't got that sort of money. So we in effect have buggered up the weekend.

Together DH and I earn £32k privately renting, have 2 kids trying to buy 1st house.

Sister and BIL earn about £80k small mortgage, no kids.

Friends in Wales joining us £100k+, no kids.

Mum and dad can't afford but will go into debt for it, brother earns £30k lives at home pays no rent. They can afford it.

My sister text me last night asking me what our budget would be. I replied saying there was no budget and that whilst we would love to go, we physically cant afford it. She read the message but hasn't replied. The whole thing has really upset me. I spoke to my mum and she said she understands, but that she doesn't want to be put in the middle.

Ive been made to feel like the poor relation, and that I've ruined her birthday. I had planned to take her to her favourite restaurant which would set me back about £140, but had always planned that so have been putting money since the beginning of the year. I spent most of last night crying. It's made me feel like utter shit. She does so much for my girls and I would do anything for her, just not this.

AIBU, or is my sister and the rest of the party?

Knowing that you couldn't afford your dad's do, wouldn't it have been more than likely that you couldn't afford the similar thing that your sister wanted to do & you could just have said that straightaway?

Tbh it's not what I would want to do even if I could afford it!

If it's what your sister wants to do why isn't she hiring the place herself & maybe asking for money towards food?

How far are you going that it’s going to be £80 in petrol? That’s the part that’s boggling my mind

I'm always amazed at why people expect others to fork out big money for a celebration for someone else.

Hen parties abroad, destination weddings all can cost a fortune to attend. If you want such a thing then pay for people to attend.

My idea of an expensive holiday is not watching someone else get married.

I feel the same way about this.Your family know you aren't as well off as they are and it was mean to select such a place. Don't feel bad because of their selfishness.

@howfarwevecome

The OP's sister has not been dignified. Her original proposal to celebrate her birthday was not dignified: she wasn't paying for it all, she was expecting everyone else to.

You don’t know that that’s not the norm in OPs family. Lots, including my own, use significant birthdays as an opportunity for get togethers, weekends away etc.

It’s not a matter of people being forced to go or pay out huge sums, it’s generally a case of “X is 40 next April, will we do a weekend away/what do people fancy?”. In my family it’s often me, sis, dm and two sils and it’s not a case of anyone being expected to go - people opt in or out if it suits them.

For us the upcoming “event” is what encourages us to make definite plans where we might otherwise vaguely say we’d like to do this or that together but never get round to it.

How do groups of people ever arrange to do anything together if nobody is allowed to suggest it in the first place??

Of course you're not unreasonable, £700 is a lot of money. Your sister must know you can't afford. Why can't she just have a meal out or something like that? It's excessive.

Given she hadn't replied to your message I don't see why you have been made to feel like the poor relation? I think that's your own inner feelings.

She wasn't unreasonable to invite you.
You weren't unreasonable to decline.
She want unreasonable to ask for a budget to try and make it work.

So.... what's the problem here? I missed it.

Why not tell her your budget and come up with a solution

I agree. Try a website like HometoGo.com Its a holiday let search engine. I typed in holiday home for 8 adults, four double bedrooms, 2 bathrooms in Devon and there are several lovely ones for less than £600 for a weekend.

There are loads of alternatives to find.

Would you accept if it was paid for? It's going to be dreadful if your sister offers and you still say you still can't come because you think the petrol and food costs are too much.

And are the couple invited this time, the same friends that paid for you last time? They might feel in a difficult position now.

How do we know that the OP is ‘clearly struggling’? Why do you assume that her sister would know? I don’t know how much my sister earns, and she doesn’t know our household income.

With the income she has quoted, 2 kids, in rented accommodation and trying to save for a house it will be obvious to anyone who cares to see that things are very tight for them. 63% of families in the UK will have more income than this OP and she has mentioned other signs in her post that things are tight.

So we in effect have buggered up the weekend.

You haven't buggered it up, your sister has by choosing something so unaffordable.

Your sister is being very unreasonable to expect people to fork over that kind of money to celebrate her birthday. Even if everyone was very comfortably well off, that's quite rude!

Springing it on you all of the sudden wasn't particularly nice, either.

I'd guess that she's disappointed right now, which is why she's sulking and too "busy" to talk. She'll have to get over it.

You've already made it clear that you were planning to take her out for her birthday. If you want, you could text that you could spend the money you'd been saving for that outing on something else, if she'd rather do something else instead of the meal out-- but honestly, if she was expecting something that would cost you £700, I'm not sure she'll be satisfied with a more reasonably priced rental. Still, you could try.

Whatever happens, I would try to stop crying over it. You're not stopping the others from going, and her unreasonably grand expectations are no reason to wring yourself out emotionally!

Do not feel guilty! Your sister is being ridiculous if she expects you to pay that amount of money to celebrate her birthday.

My siblings and I earn different amounts, but even if we didn’t I would never presume that they would fork out for a holiday that I had chosen.

I think you’ve been very thoughtful in planning a day out with your sister and budgeting according to your income.

If she wants the whole family to be together in one particular place then imo she should pay for it.

I sympathise, with this, had a similar scenario twice, one MIL wedding anniversary, other kids wanted to send her on a holiday which would have cost 2 grand for each of us, we had 2 mortgages, (I had several jobs) having lost house, and contents to baliffs, (ex H tried to kill me, stopped paying bills and mortgage) 4 DKs, told have to get a bank loan, by siblings with no mortgages and no kids. Relative getting married, posh hotel several hundred miles from home, ended up with dress from charity shop, driving there and back, everyone else stayed at the hotel) DH had just been made redundant.

"How far are you going that it’s going to be £80 in petrol? That’s the part that’s boggling my mind*

Me too! That's about 600 miles worth of gas in a car that does 40mpg. I wouldn't drive somewhere 300 miles away for a weekend.

By the time I got over being knackered from the journey, it'd be time to come home again. Mind you, we live in the crowded south of England, in one of the few counties with no motorways, and whenever we go anywhere it seems to be mostly on rural roads.

If it's almost all motorway, I suppose that's not much more than 4 hours.

Ah not nice to presume people have alot spare money. When I was 40 we did a girls wend but I made sure to keep it in everyones budget price wise. Families can b tricky

But she planned something that they’d done before, and I’m assuming OP didn’t broadcast the fact that she’d taken money from friends for it. So sister could be forgiven for thinking it was ok again.

When it wasn’t, she asked the OP what her budget was. Got a bit of a shitty reply for her troubles.

She hasn’t done anything wrong.

We've had a longer chat. She's not angry or upset she's just disappointed as she wanted us all to be together on her birthday. I said that I would look for alternatives for what we've got if she doesn't mind not doing what I had already planned. I suggested maybe a city break in hotels/air bnbs and all come together during the days to do stuff, but she didn't seem particularly keen. Anyways tonight will mostly be spent scouring the interweb.

How do we know that the OP is ‘clearly struggling’? Why do you assume that her sister would know? I don’t know how much my sister earns, and she doesn’t know our household income.

With the income she has quoted, 2 kids, in rented accommodation and trying to save for a house it will be obvious to anyone who cares to see that things are very tight for them. 63% of families in the UK will have more income than this OP and she has mentioned other signs in her post that things are tight.

No, you have misunderstood. It’s the ‘clearly’ bit I’m questioning. The OP has told us her household income. We don’t know which part of the country she lives in; £32k in County Durham is a very different prospect to £32k in Surrey.

How is the sister, or anybody else, expected to know the OP’s household income unless they openly discuss it? I don’t volunteer to family or friends how much I earn. Nor do most people.

The rented property the OP lives in might be perfectly nice. Not everybody saving to buy a house is by default ‘clearly struggling’.

The fact that the OP went on the February trip for her father’s birthday, which sounds very similar, wouldn’t suggest to the OP’s sister that she is ‘clearly struggling’. The sister probably doesn’t know that somebody kindly stepped in and paid for the OP. I very much hope that wasn’t in response to a ‘woe is me, I don’t know what to do’ text., and instead was a genuine unprompted offer.

Unless the OP and her family are noticeably short of essentials and can’t afford the utility bills, etc., I think it’s a bit of a stretch to surmise that the OP’s sister must know that she is ‘struggling’.

@Iamthewombat

I'm in the SE. Everyone was fully aware that our friends paid for us, and we were of course extremely grateful. We also are very open about finances.

I would be in your position too, we simply could'nt afford that, £700 for 3nights is insane tbh.

Don'y feel guilty.
You can't afford it, explained this from the start. If your sister or anyone else has an issue, that os their problem.
End of

Your family sound just so dramatic I can't get my head around it.
You've been crying all night because you can't afford a trip that would be fairly expensive for a lot of people
Your sister won't answer your calls just because you said no
Your mum doesn't want to get 'into the middle' of an argument that shouldn't even exist
Your parents live so close to the breadline that £700 would send them into debt yet they have your grown brother on a good wage living rent free with them
Your brother and sister, despite earning good wages and having no dependents would be happy with your parents going into debt just for a minibreak, and your parents would be happy to do so to avoid an argument

Sounds like a trip away with you all would be exhausting. How do you even decide where to eat with all these feelings about everything!

Also I have to say I don't get the MN default position of "They are basically demanding a £x present" whenever anyone invites someone to a holiday to celebrate a special occasion, whether it's a wedding, birthday, hen do, whatever. No - the occasion is the reason for the holiday but the money is for YOUR PART OF A HOLIDAY. You are not giving the person £x by any stretch of the imagination - the cost of the holiday is YOUR flight YOUR hotel YOUR food etc. If you can't, or don't want to spend your money on that then YOU DON'T HAVE TO!

Hen dos are the worst for this - if I agree to go on one I don't think I am being roped under the guise of duty and obligation to generously donate £300 to the bride in exchange for 72 hours of hellish torment - I think I am spending £300 on a holiday for me. If I don't want, or can't afford to go on holiday to that place, or with those people I just say no, but usually I don't because (shocker) like lots of people outside of MN I actually ENJOY spending time with my friends and think any excuse for a holiday is a good one!

Agreed, @thevassal